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[Waxer]

Hi, I've been married for 36 years, I absolutely worship my wife. 3 years ago we allowed a other man I to our lives. We had a relationship that I found it exciting to watch my wife pleasured etc. Well at first it was all fun. After a while I noticed my wife changing. She started getting frustrated and shirt with me. I was too stupid to realise she had fallen in love with this other man. One day we were driving up north and she told me a big list of things I did wrong. I still didnt get it. Once we arrived we had an argument and she told me she wssnt in love with me any more but was in love with this other man. I begged her to stay with me and she did. She told me she would try in our marriage but refused to give him up. In short over the next few years she told me another 4 times she was in love with him. She also told me a number of times she would choose him over me if I made her choose. These days she tells me she loves me and isbt in love with him and it's just friendship. She cant understand why I cant just forgive and move on. Ive got depression and something like ptsd. I cant live without her, but I can see shes getting to the point of bot wanting me to stay because she cant deal with my meltdowns when I get bouts of depression. I dont know what to do. I seriously wish I would just have a heart attack and die, trouble is I believe in afterlife and csnt bear the thought of going thru eternity without her love. She tells me she loves me yet Katy night said if I have one more meltdown that will be it. I'm seriously thinking of committing suicide but if i fail she will lose all her li e for me and I'll be alive without her love, if i succeed i gotta go through eternity without her. I love her so much, I'm totally in love with her , every time I hear her voice or see her I melt. I dont know what to do

[Waxer]

You know Tim, that means the world to me that you said youd be here with me, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Yes I think I'm learning some strategies to handle things better. Last night I had the bikes ready for my angel to ride up the headland and have a cracker and a glass of wine, she was beautiful to me and today as well. She said to me , you know, we are going to get through this and be ok. I just said, I hope so kitten as youve been the live of my life for 38 years and always will be.

[smallwolf]

I am happy for you. It sounded like a wonderful evening.

And it is also good to hear that you are learning some strategies as well that you are able to put into practice in your relationship.

I am a people pleaser (still), and that has pros and cons - well everything has pros and cons, for example my brother is self-centered! Anyway, I have diverted. I was feel quit low some time ago, and with with help my psych and the exercises I was given I was able to be a little more assertive and would find that it would not damage relationships.

As I mentioned in my previous post reversing changes can take time but it is worth it. Whatever it is that you are doing, keep doing that as it seems to the working for you.

[Waxer]

Just tvoygyt I'd drop in a d let you wonderful people know how I'm going. My angel has been beautiful to me for al.ost 2 weeks now, shes been patient and kind and at the moment feels like we ate getting a bit of our mojo back. God I hope this continues as I'm still so hesd over heels in love with her. I'm still not well though, I e managed to not meltdown in front of her, but sometimes I just burst into tears when my stupid brain reminds me of the pain I e been through, my biggest fear now is that outside influences could come between us. I am fearful of when she sees her sisters as they (despite not ever being able to hold a relationship together long term themswkves) give her advice that usually includes convicted cing her I control her. Last time she came home from a visit I went to see who had text when I was expecting our daughter to text and she had handed her password (being technopho ic I know she couldn't have done it herself her sister would have done it) I asked her why and she full on attacked me about controlling her. I said if she has nothing to hide why hide password? Then she really got angry so I let it go, given her deceit in not too distant past now I'm worried shes hiding something, I wasnt before then. She then carried on about being able to go away whenever her she wants without me. I wanted to trust her with her sisters but find it hard ot to resent them now

[Waxer]

How do I know if I'm insane or not? I'm guessing if I am insane I might not know it? My beautiful angel is still being lovely to me, very snappy today but I'm handling it better and she is definitely way way nicer to me, but the whole thing has taken such a toll on me, I dont even know any more if I'm sane or not. I think I am, even though I'm still a bit unwell, but Ive been told so many times I should get committed I just dont know. Personally as my angel has been nicer to me I feel like I'm getting stronger, but I am still very very emotional

[smallwolf]

Not sure what sort of answer you are looking for.

You sound OK. I wonder if you are perplexed by the change in your wife's attitude towards you?

Real change takes time, so that saying that you are still emotional would be natural.

I would like to reply to your previous post as well, but will try to do that next time. Stay strong!

Peace to you,

Tim

[Waxer]

My daughter had to move in with her hubby and our 2 gc with the mother law. I've been out of sorts last few days worried about lots of things, today was a long long hard day moving them, my daughter was very emotional , they couldn't afford to stay as she cabt with due ti new bubs. My son in law apparently did something that my wife took as a threat, when he made a trio to the other house by wife started saying what an ass he was etc and my daughter burst I to tears dating in couch , she was distraught about moving etc and trying that my wife had always hated her choice of partner etc. I asked my wife to not talk about him in front of my daughter as it easnt helping her in fact it was hurting. Later she started carrying on about it again and I barked at her, can you please stop it might be helping you but I'd not helping our daughter. I didn't know my daughter was on one if the runs to the house. Later when I realised she wsdnt there I apologised to my wife saying I'm sorry for barking at her but didn't know my dsughtyt wasnt there and just wanted to talk to her later. My sister in law then attacked me for dismissing my wife concerns, I told her to but out of our marriage , we got into a heated argument and my widectook her side, told us both to stop which I did, but my sister in law kept starting up again, my wife kept taking her side and eventually I snapped and sai I wanted a separation. Later when I cooled down I tried to make up with my wife but she was it I terested . Cut a long story short, she says I need professional help again. I'm not resk ayre what's happening in my head, I thought it was an argument about my sister in law butting in and any husband would be angry their wife kept taking her side but my wife says I'm not well and she feels like shes sitting in a time bomb. I agreed to let her co.mit me (though she says its just therapy) I feel like she has no loyalty to me and its killing me, she seems to think I'm insane and says she cant di it any more. I dont know any more if I'm sane or not. I'm prepared to do anything to keep her as when it's good its absolutely wonderful, but I'm honestly half thinking what's the point.  I have tried to find the right help, the mens shed never called back, the abuse line helped a bit but not much, the psychiatrist had no interest in my and never even read my 2 hour questionnaire. can someone tell me how I know if I'm insane or if iys just my wife being uncaring ? When I did the questionnaire I thought it was pointing to be being bipolar, but I dint know if shaking hand and jumping at tiny unexpected sounds is part of that , I thought I might have PTSD from trauma of the affair and the stingray episode, I just wish the psychiatrist had helped instead of just telling me to get on the drug he suggested which dudbt help. I think maybe it's all too hard, I'm worried about my dad, my daughter and my wife and the virus and my hrsd is so full I think it would be easier to not be here

[Sophie_M]

Hi Waxer,
We are so sorry to hear about what you are struggling with right now. We can hear how overwhelming it is for you trying to work through this. Please remember that you don't have to do it alone - there is always help available to you. We have sent you a private message with some additional support.

Feel free to tell us more about what you're feeling here on your thread. Our community is here for you.

[Waxer]

I've got a 10am phone appointment booked in with a clinic to see what next steps are to help me . I still think most of my problems are from not being able to feel like I'm the most important person to the live of my life. But I also know I'm still unwell in my head. I do wish God would just take me just dont let me remember anything after this all went haywire and I lost my wifes love and devotion

[Waxer]

I spoke to the respite thing this morning , they said they're program is 5 weeks of which 3 weeks is in their premises. No visitors because of the coronavirus. I got off the phone crying because I was thinking about all sorts of things like how can I survive without my family with no visitors while this virus is intensifying, worried about my work, worried that my wife wont be waiting for me, my wife then started screaming at me which made me cry more so she screamed louder that she cant handle this that I was more worried about virus than myself etc. The more she screamed the more upset I got, no compassion whatsoever. I think shes lost it all fur me and it's a lost cause, so unfair as I'm like this cause she broke my heart a number of times and even now when in prepared to do what she wants despite it being so upsetting, no compassion. Shes about to go to work , I'm seriously thinking I dont want to be here anymore, the worlds going to shit, my wife doesn't love me, my sisters dont talk to me I still haven't met my hidden sister who's younger than my daughter, my dad had a heart attack yesterday cause the nurse gave him the wrong medication, i cant see him because of virus and he may die before I get to see him again, my sisters in law who
cannot maintain a relationship in their own lives seem intent on breaking us up by continually undermining me.I've got depression anxiety I think I might be bipolar what the fuck am i living for i just want it to go away i could handle it all if my wife loved me and if she made me feel like she was loyal to me, but everyone else in her life is more important than me. I think if I go away fur 3 weeks she will probably shack up with her lover and that will be it I think I've had enough, I cant face any more, Ive tried to get help, a disinterested psychiatrist, counsellor who kept clock watching mens shed who didn't get back to me, lifeline who  kept saying they could feel my pain. I'm a teacher and my work seems to think I'm expendable anyway, maybe I am , maybe I should just expend myself, I've actually come close a few times in the past, I just dont know if I have the willpower either way , maybe my mind can just check out , windrr if I can train my mind to pretend I'm not here. I dont wanna do this to my daughter and grandchildren oh God help me, I just dont think I can keep living in this shit world. I was so happy a few years ago, I'm a decent man I've tried so hard to be perfect for my wife, I e gi en it everything I've done everything on her list speak to her so beautifully, bought her nice house sports car only ask her to work as much as she wants tickle her hair or neck every night shes got her own spending account, I know in my heart theres nothing else I can do apart from try this respite but even that isn't enough fur her. I dint want to live without her, I dont want anybody else, I'm 60 I've had enough life, i think about 33 years of my 39 year marriage were happy I just hope when I go gid will let me only remember those and not the heartache

[smallwolf]

hi, sorry I could not reply to you before now except I had some issues with the web site yesterday when I tried to respond.

there is a lot on your mind at the moment and not just with your wife, but other family members and your dad as well. I wonder if you are able to talk with your dad using skype or similar and video chats - it would not be the same as being there in person but at least you would be able to see each other.

I am also sorry to hear of the negative experiences you have had recently with mens shed etc. And with your issues with people in the health field, I am guessing that all you want is for someone to listen to you.

Is there someone at your workplace who you are friends with? someone that feel you can talk to and/or unload on?

Lastly, can I ask if you have installed and setup the beyond blue safety plan? If not, please have a look here...

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning
 
please remember there are people that care very much about you. Even me.

Tim