Feeling worthless and losing control

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Just saying a quick hello before I go on, I'm new to these forums hoping to become a part of this community.

Basically I've felt myself really struggling with the effects of low self-esteem lately on me and feeling really worthless. I've always had fairly low self-esteem in relation to my image since I was really young but I used to at least be happy about my abilities and was overall fairly positive.

This year however - and especially the past couple of months - I've habitually been excessively judgemental of myself and been practicing some unhealthy coping mechanisms. I've been constantly picking out all my flaws like saying to myself I'm ugly and that I'm no good at the sports I play and that no one prioritises their friendships with me because they don't care about me (because honestly that's what has been happening recently). Over the past couple of months I've been at a constant all time low where I don't seem to feel happy much and I'm constantly distracted by the fact that I feel terrible.

It feels like I'm out of control and I hate the feeling, but I've discovered to regain control I distort my eating patterns to starve myself in the mornings up until after school where I can't handle it and I end up bingeing. It sickens me every day that I can't control myself in that way but I know I've gotten into a brutal cycle and it feels like it will only stop when I learn to have control over my eating, only to starve myself all day. I also started self harming about a month ago, but I stopped that about a week ago and even though its been tempting I'm so far resisting the urge.

I've been regularly in contact with a counsellor from kids helpline over the past month and a half and its been helpful but I'm still struggling to find the worth in being resilient when I can't even find it in myself. I feel really down all the time and I'm tempted to just follow my emotionally unstable thoughts and not try to fix stuff because I'm on my own anyway (well that's what it feels like) but I'm at a dilemma in my head between giving up and me 'logically' knowing that I need to fix something. That being said, the fact that I understand that makes me seem like I've got myself sorted even though I don't and it puts me off seeking help further (in person). I want help but I feel like my problems aren't big enough and I'm scared of being judged even though I know it will be to the contrary but I really struggle to accept it when people actually say that I am deserving.

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Yeah - I mean technically just started holidays because we're finishing early like today rather than Thursday. Means we miss cross country though which kinda sucks but also I like mildly sprained my ankle or something so I think I got lucky it's postponed till next term. Which also means my teachers haven't had the chance to give us any holiday homework - and all my assessments are finally done (yayyy). I got home this arvo though and two I was meant to email already were in my outbox so...

Sorry that was kind of random, but I'm kinda in a similar place till I talk to my psych so yeah

[Guest_4643]

Oh I'm sorry. I'm thinking of everyone in lockdown and with the QLD and NSW floods. It sucks.

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Yeah, although hopefully the lockdowns don't last too long and everyone affected by the floods is doing ok x

I'm pretty annoyed at myself because I feel like I'm failing at therapy if that's even possible. Literally I'm so held back by anxiety to even say 'There's been some stuff going on that I don't know how to explain' or 'I'm struggling to bring things up' like I just can't do it.

And then it's like to make myself 'feel better' I end up invalidating myself going 'oh all that stuff you wanted to talk about - it's not that bad anyway so it doesn't matter. Like, what? Why do I do that?

Like how am I meant to feel better when I can't get myself proper help, really. Like I'm getting support but not for so many things. It's like as soon as I go into therapy 'I'm fine' and just quietly agree if she directly asks me about thought patterns, etc. I also when I'm talking always leave out things I'm uncomfortable with. And it's like say I wrote down what I wanted to tell her, I'd feel too awkward to give the paper to her.

I also get really anxious in therapy, like last night over zoom I was getting cold sweats but did I say anything? No. Because then it would feel like I was being a burden. Too hard to deal with. Broken. Which I probably am.

I just feel so hopeless. I don't know what to do anymore.

[therising]

Hi jumpy jellyfish 🙂

As we're trying to work our self out, we can sometimes underestimate what an incredibly tough process this can be. It can even feel hopeless at times, until we begin hitting the milestones.

Do you think your therapist gets a sense of how hard it is for you to talk freely? Do you think she picks up on your anxiety? Does she come across as very reassuring?

I think sometimes we're conditioned to some degree to downplay things, like how we feel or the thoughts we have running through our head. There are a lot of typical phrases used throughout this type of conditioning as we're growing up, such as

• You'll be right. You just need to get on with things
• Suck it up
• You're too emotional. You need to tone it down
• Keep your thoughts to yourself

I could go on and on but you get the gist. So, before you know it, you get into the habit of downplaying things and are left wondering where that habit originated from.

I try not to discourage my kids from speaking freely about their thoughts or how they feel their connection to life and people. If anything, I try and get them to practice expressing themselves and getting a greater sense of how they feel. As I say to them 'Your feelings are your compass. Your feelings will give you some direction'. Learning the skill of 'compass reading' means feeling when something's wrong or 'off', feeling when you're down and therefor need raising, feeling when you're energised and then finding ways to channel that energy productively and so on. If only our parents had have said to us 'Okay, now, we're going to get in touch with our feelings more so we can make more sense of the situation'. Typically, it doesn't happen. Typically, we need to re-learn how to do it. I say 're=learn' because we were really good at expressing ourselves when we were little. Hoping your therapist will be a legend in helping you to gradually re-learn healthy self-expression and how to voice your feelings so as to understand them better.

What does this 'down' feeling mean? What is this 'anxious' feeling telling me? How did I come to gradually feel this level of exhaustion, when I haven't been able to feel it ever before? Why now? Our feelings (how we experience life through our mind and body) are all highly relevant.

I have faith in you that you will come to develop the skills related to self expression and self understanding. Believe me, it's not easy, especially when you're getting started.

🙂

[Guest_4643]

Hey, I'm sorry I haven't replied. I've been struggling a lot myself, sometimes I just browse without commenting on anyone's threads or my own. I like your new profile picture, it's cute.

Yes hopefully the lockdown and flood victims are ok, it's so sad. It's ok if you feel like a certain type of therapy or therapist isn't working for you, I know that's not exactly what you said. Therapy takes time, so it's ok to fail it. I've failed it before myself.

You're not a burden, I assure you.

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Hey therising,

I don't think she knows that I'm keeping whole issues hidden and the extent of my fear of talking freely goes but I think she does realise that I get awkward about talking as I often go quiet when she asks me a question. She's good about it though, and when I am talking I often look to her for reassurance because I start doubting myself, and she says to me something like 'keep going, you're doing well' which is the validation I need and I can appreciate that. I think she's amazing with it but I think I've gotten so used to masking things that the issues I'm not bringing up, it's impossible to know of course if I don't say anything.

When I was younger I guess hearing 'stop complaining' in my head I remember, always bottle stuff up like I couldn't share anything. It's not even that I was hearing that often - it's just that me being me, hearing that once made me apply it to everything and feeling maybe that things weren't worth or bad enough to share.

I bring this up because I had a difficult day with food yesterday and just was really feeling negative about myself. It's bringing back these memories of how I've always felt like this - I remember being barely 6 years old in prep or grade 1 and my friend saying something along the lines of 'it's good if your thighs are small, see look at mine' and I went 'yeah... mine are like yours too' (my thoughts = oh my gosh I'm so fat) to say about a week later 'you know, it's good if your thighs are big because it means your strong' (my thoughts = wait, but what about what she said before? she's lying- what's wrong with me I'm so ugly). Like what 6 year old girl should have those sort of thoughts about herself? None. Now almost 9 years later without anything changing or ever even telling anyone what I thought about myself no wonder I'm struggling.

Been up all night listening to music which basically reflects my mood. It's not always the chirpiest but it makes me feel comfortable. Meanwhile I have been having suicidal thoughts, moreso contemplating the idea of commiting suicide rather than actually having intent or wanting to die. Basically saying I'm safe, I'm just thinking about it.

I've had a rough couple of days, I'll say that, but hopefully today will be better.

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Hey, don't worry about it I do that too sometimes until I have the mental energy to actually reply. It's perfectly ok

I'm sorry you're struggling a lot - I hope you're feeling alright at the moment xx

thanks also 🙂 you're profile picture is pretty adorable

With feeling like I'm failing therapy, it's annoying and frustrating more than anything - and I feel that annoyance and frustration towards myself for being held back by anxiety about talking about what I'm dealing with. I've always hated being the centre of attention, and found myself seeing talking about myself self-absorbed, or worrying constantly about others judging me - something I've never seemed to grow out of. Definitely wasn't just a shy kid phase or smth. But it's like I need help getting over that stuff, but I can't get help if I can't ask. It's a big loop.

Thank you, a lot of the time I do feel like one, or more like I convince myself I'm a burden. I get really sensitive to what other people say and like I said before worry about judgement and whenever I say or do something I imagine what I think they're thinking which is always something bad about me. I just have a tendency to pick out my flaws and then think about how they must bother others. How annoying I am. How much I complain. How I can't be happy. How I overthink everything. My self esteem is kinda shot but it's always been like that. Something I really want to learn to work on.

Take care xx

[Sophie_M]

Hi jumpy jellyfish :-],

We are so sorry to hear that you're struggling and have been having thoughts about suicide. Thank you for letting us know you are currently safe, and for sharing your feelings. Please know that you've come to a safe, non-judgemental space to talk things through and our community is here to offer as much support, advice and conversation as you need.
 
We're so glad you have a therapist who you are working hard to talk to about your thoughts and feelings. We’d also encourage you to contact Kids Helpline or  Headspace for additional support when you need it – both offer phone and online counselling 24/7 specifically for young people aged 25 and under. We are also reaching out to you privately by e-mail.
 
The community is here to support you and you are not alone. Please keep checking in here to let us know how you're doing.
 

[therising]

Hi jumpy jellyfish 🙂

It's amazing the stuff that comes to mind when you begin making progress, all those thoughts buried somewhere that have been partly responsible in making you you. I know it doesn't always feel like progress, especially when the thoughts can be somewhat painful. From my own experience, the painful thoughts can often be the most revealing ones. Many a time I've struggled with making sense of some of the painful or disempowering thoughts before, BAMM, I'm left with the revelation 'No wonder I've been feeling so lost or 'messed up' or angry!' Can't help but wonder who put those body image thoughts into your 6yo friend's head. Can't help but wonder if she had an older sister or a mum who had issues herself? They would have come from somewhere.

You're psych sounds amazing. 'Keep going, you're doing well' are words you may eventually find you're saying to yourself. For now, you're psych is saying them for you. Down the track, other words that may come to mind may be 'You're making progress' and 'You don't need to be so hard on yourself'. There are definitely times where we can face a kind of psychological or spiritual deafness, where we can't hear the kindness we long to hear within our self. It's kinda drowned out by that screaming cruel chastising voice that says 'Pull your goddam socks up and stop being so weak and dramatic! You're cycling through the same poop when you should be getting on with things'. Me, I'm a super cycler. I will cycle through the same stuff until I eventually hit an epiphany. Even then a cycle may replay itself but...and here's the thing...it will do it on a higher level of self understanding each time. It's a mind altering process that can definitely feel challenging.

With the suicidal thoughts, my advice is to be very careful. They may simply be thoughts at the moment without intent but if you find at any stage that they're becoming more intense you 100% need to have someone help you manage them. From experience, there were times where I could feel the thoughts growing to the point where they become overpowering, during my depression. You do not want to let them get that bad.

A complacent person rarely questions anything or anyone, including themself. Someone desperate to evolve questions everything and everyone, including themself. Evolving beyond who we believe our self to be can be a painful process. Having people guide us in discovering and taking hold of our new self is what can make the difference.

🙂

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Yeah, I feel like because there's so many things that happen that can be upsetting at the time but seem to 'end' I guess, but stick around in your head - it's no wonder that constantly having that in the back of my mind has been hard. I know I've always held onto things that people say as well, and it's like over time I've gotten more and more aware of people and their reactions to me, but it also causes me to make assumptions that others are thinking bad things about me based on insignificant things. My psych sent me this thing with unhelpful thinking strategies to see which ones I do (ngl all of them) and that jumping to conclusions (of what other people do) is something I do all the time.

That negative voice in me is pretty overpowering a lot of the time... and it's like when I try and finally think something good about myself it goes 'wait, no, what is this!? I'm not used to this- you don't deserve this (____ insert negative thought about myself)' but hopefully eventually I can let the nicer voice through a bit and not the bullying one. It's interesting - and I've just thought of this - schools and media and everyone makes a big deal of trying to stop bullying, but when we talk badly to ourselves all the time, we're basically bullying ourselves - but we mostly just get told 'you're saying that for attention' or literally just 'stop it- stop saying that'.

I got some support from my KHL counsellor the other day, and she also told me I could connect with her again yesterday which I did for some extra support. I felt bad about connecting more regularly then maybe I normally would, but I just tried to convince myself while I was waiting to connect to the chat that she offered which means she thought I needed it and trying to convince myself no, I'm not being a burden. I've felt a bit better today - had a bit of a cry this morning but I'm ok at the moment. I've been being supported by her with suicidal thoughts anyways, so even though it's not in person I just feel better about being able to express my thoughts without all this stress and judgement. Hopefully they don't get to the point of being really overwhelming but if they do, I'll be more inclined to tell my psych, although I would hope before then (if that ever happens) I've gotten more comfortable sharing things with her.