Feeling worthless and losing control

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Just saying a quick hello before I go on, I'm new to these forums hoping to become a part of this community.

Basically I've felt myself really struggling with the effects of low self-esteem lately on me and feeling really worthless. I've always had fairly low self-esteem in relation to my image since I was really young but I used to at least be happy about my abilities and was overall fairly positive.

This year however - and especially the past couple of months - I've habitually been excessively judgemental of myself and been practicing some unhealthy coping mechanisms. I've been constantly picking out all my flaws like saying to myself I'm ugly and that I'm no good at the sports I play and that no one prioritises their friendships with me because they don't care about me (because honestly that's what has been happening recently). Over the past couple of months I've been at a constant all time low where I don't seem to feel happy much and I'm constantly distracted by the fact that I feel terrible.

It feels like I'm out of control and I hate the feeling, but I've discovered to regain control I distort my eating patterns to starve myself in the mornings up until after school where I can't handle it and I end up bingeing. It sickens me every day that I can't control myself in that way but I know I've gotten into a brutal cycle and it feels like it will only stop when I learn to have control over my eating, only to starve myself all day. I also started self harming about a month ago, but I stopped that about a week ago and even though its been tempting I'm so far resisting the urge.

I've been regularly in contact with a counsellor from kids helpline over the past month and a half and its been helpful but I'm still struggling to find the worth in being resilient when I can't even find it in myself. I feel really down all the time and I'm tempted to just follow my emotionally unstable thoughts and not try to fix stuff because I'm on my own anyway (well that's what it feels like) but I'm at a dilemma in my head between giving up and me 'logically' knowing that I need to fix something. That being said, the fact that I understand that makes me seem like I've got myself sorted even though I don't and it puts me off seeking help further (in person). I want help but I feel like my problems aren't big enough and I'm scared of being judged even though I know it will be to the contrary but I really struggle to accept it when people actually say that I am deserving.

[therising]

Hi jumpy jellyfish 🙂

It can definitely be challenging to be kind to yourself. Most of us aren't really taught how to be kind to our self under different circumstances and even why we should be kind to our self. So it's kinda like how do you practice what you've never been taught. It becomes a matter of figuring out how this 'being kind to yourself' business works, once you've hit the point of wanting to do it.

Trying to think in what ways I've gradually learned to be kind to myself. A few that come to mind:

• Instead of being hard on myself, I try to wonder about myself. I used to beat myself up a lot, insisting on how 'stupid' I was for behaving in a certain way or telling myself I was a failure when I didn't succeed at something. Nowadays it's more 'I wonder why I did that?' and 'What's the reason for why that didn't work out the way I wanted it to?' Definitely much better to wonder. Wonder leads us to graduate toward greater self understanding, higher consciousness. Self degradation doesn't offer this opportunity
• Spotting faults in the systems or people we're dealing with leads us to naturally be kinder to our self. You could say 'Struggling to manage this mountain of homework is not my fault'. Who built the mountain? Who created the struggle? It wasn't you. The struggle is inevitable which actually makes you a champion under the circumstances. The education system creates too much work. Sometimes we can be left feeling the fault in the system (stress)
• In personal evolution there is self love. Recognising you have the right to evolve is important. Your mum recognised this when she helped you set up meeting the psych. She could have said 'No, work it all out yourself' or 'You'll be right' but she didn't. She loves you and is invested in your evolution

I believe, as we graduate through life, we can find more and more opportunities in becoming kinder to our self, loving our self.

You mention you feel you can sense a natural understanding of people, their nature. This is an amazing natural ability or you could say super natural. How does it feel to meet with your supernatural self? 🙂 Do you wonder about people's nature more than you judge their nature? Does this wonder lead you to think differently? Practicing wonder makes you a more open minded person. It's much easier for inspiration to enter an open mind rather than a closed one.

Sounds like 5:30am is one of your best times of day for productivity. You've made a new discovery. That's progress.

🙂

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Thanks mb20lover and therising xx

I'm so tired of everything at the moment. It feels like I can't properly enjoy myself or anything. I just don't know what to do. I feel so hopeless. I just- idk

[Sophie_M]

Hi jumpy jellyfish :-],

We are so sorry to hear that you're feeling so tired right now and that you aren't able to enjoy much of anything. It sounds really tiring and we can really hear how hard it has been for you. You are a valuable member of this community and we are here for you. We urge you to continue to be as kind to yourself as possible and keep reaching out for support whenever you need it..

We'd also encourage you to contact a caring, trained counselor to talk through some of these difficult feelings you are experiencing. As you know there is Kids Helpline. that you can contact via telephone and online counselling service specifically for young people aged 25 and under.

The community is here to support you and you are not alone. Please keep checking in here to let us know how you're doing.

[therising]

Hi jumpy jellyfish 🙂

I really feel for you so very much. It's a torturous feeling, when you feel the 'stuckness' of life and nothing appears to be moving forward or changing. The thought 'I just can't tolerate this' becomes perfectly understandable.

When you say 'I'm so tired of everything at the moment', it might pay to throw a 'because' into that statement. 'I'm so tired because of everything at the moment' draws attention to how tiring everything really is becoming. A couple of examples

• You have a long day at school only to come home and do more work. A lot of mental activity can become physically exhausting. Not only are you mentally exerting yourself at school and through homework but you're also working your brain when you're lying in bed thinking of what you need to get done in the coming days. The education system really does anger me at times, what they do to young people. Interesting how in other parts of the world there's not so much schoolwork given out because it's recognised that a student who's not exhausted is more alert and productive
• Mental anxiety/stress and the chemistry that is released through the process can overwork the physical body, leading to physical exhaustion and even chronic fatigue for some people. It can be like running a mental marathon day after day, triggering physical hyperactivity. Imagine what would happen if you ran a physical marathon for weeks

A lack of what we do can sometimes be just as significant as what we're doing that leads to exhaustion. The lack can create an imbalance. If you imagine a set of old fashioned scales, on one side where there is all work, on the other side there may be no adventure/recreation. Recreation or re-creation is important when it comes to re-creating our self. On one side there may be a pile of stress and on the other no relaxation. On one side there may be all the things that exhaust our energy and on the other side very little energy input. So, without adventure or recreation, without relaxation and without significant amounts of energy input, there is great imbalance. We may have been living the imbalance for a long time and not feel it but once we begin to feel it...we can really feel it, in a lot of ways. The mind and body can tolerate a lot before they feel an imbalance.

A productive form of activity to consider is 'Active relaxation'. This involves activating certain types of mental and physical/chemical energy. Could be the recreation that begins to tip the scales.

🙂

[Guest_4643]

I'm sorry jumpy jellyfish, I wish I could do more. I'm here for you though, we all are

[jumpyjellyfish-]

I guess these are some things that are making me tired. Here goes anyways

I'm so tired of everything, because:

• I have heaps of assignments and my teachers and myself have very high expectations which is causing me to stay up late and be physically tired
• I'm not eating properly so that's also probably weighing into things and I'm not providing my body with energy at the right times
• I expect myself to be able to get over things quickly when I don't want to think about them but I am naturally an overthinker and worrier (partly blame genes for giving me anxiety but I guess to put a positive spin on that I could say I'm thoughtful - more like thought full but same difference right)
• I'm feel like I'm putting on an act at school a lot of the time pretending to most people that I'm fine and same with at sports and stuff and that is exhausting to keep up (pretending to have energy and motivation)

There's more to be honest but hey, don't wanna keep rambling about all the things that suck. I'll try with the active relaxation thing - it's hard sometimes though to do something because it's like you have to just do it but to 'just do it' you have to be motivated enough. Motivation has been a struggle recently - or lack thereof. I suppose that's what you mean though by a lack of something tipping the scales the wrong direction.

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Thanks mb20lover.

I'm not exactly doing myself any favours at the moment - had afl today, had to play for both of our 15's teams so that was tiring, also hurt my ankle kind of playing. It's not too bad though I guess. Tomorrow I then have an inter-school touch gala day thing all day which I have to leave early for. So I should probably be asleep... Yeah nah. Not me last minute finishing an assignment. Again. Last one for the term. I find it stupid that I sacrifice my sleep and my sanity to be honest doing an assignment that doesn't even matter that much but here I am. Need to stop doing this next term.

Been a lot of thoughts running around my head. Seeing my psych tomorrow, hopefully I can open up to her a bit more - there's been a lot nagging at me. Why am I here? I don't know anymore.

[therising]

Hi jumpy jellyfish 🙂

You definitely sound thoughtful in a lot of ways. It's skillful to detach from thoughts at times, that's for sure. Still trying to master it myself. Got so much to do on the horizon and I can feel what this is doing to me. Sitting here analysing how to play catch up and it's getting me quite worked up, mentally and physically. Part of this involves one of my own faults and that is leaving things to the last minute. All of a sudden you can have half a dozen things to do in the last minute. I suppose you could say that the second you say 'I'm working under a lot of pressure' you have to expect to feel that pressure somehow. My nervous system isn't terribly happy when I'm working under pressure. I can almost hear it screaming 'What the heck are you doing to me woman?! You gotta stop this!' 🙂 I was never taught the art of good organisation and working easily under pressure. If anything, my parents are stressers to some degree and my mum was never a confident 'I got this!' sort of person. I try not to pass these traits onto my kids. I try to work myself out so as to put and end to a long line of stressed out ancestors. One of the things I love about the study of epigenetics involves it pointing to the fact that we have the power to change our DNA, we're not stuck with it. Learning the skills that comes with changing our DNA is the challenge. They say that one of the keys is a perfect balance of activity and relaxation. Working in the right amount and type of energy and working out the right amount and type of energy is the way. Still trying to work things out in more ways than one.

You looking forward to the school holidays? Might give you a bit of time to catch up on things while you take a bit of a breather. Might give you a bit of free time to make some plans on how you might manage things in some new ways. I imagine, like most students, you'll be given holiday homework. My kids and I agree 'It's not really school holidays or school break if you're given schoolwork to do'. I know this triggers some teachers too, the ones who'd love to redesign the curriculum, so as to serve the students better, especially in the way of mental health. Anyhow, enough of my ranting/venting.

Wishing you well with your next psych appointment. Hope you feel free to have a really good healthy rant/vent while you're there. Feel free to work out that stress and work in some skills and greater self understanding. Let your psych guide you.

🙂

[Guest_4643]

I'm sorry you're struggling jumpy jellyfish, I hope the psych appointment helps you

[jumpyjellyfish-]

thanks mb20lover - because of the 3 day lockdown i have to do it this arvo on zoom so idk that's gonna be different but hopefully it's all good