Feeling worthless and losing control

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Just saying a quick hello before I go on, I'm new to these forums hoping to become a part of this community.

Basically I've felt myself really struggling with the effects of low self-esteem lately on me and feeling really worthless. I've always had fairly low self-esteem in relation to my image since I was really young but I used to at least be happy about my abilities and was overall fairly positive.

This year however - and especially the past couple of months - I've habitually been excessively judgemental of myself and been practicing some unhealthy coping mechanisms. I've been constantly picking out all my flaws like saying to myself I'm ugly and that I'm no good at the sports I play and that no one prioritises their friendships with me because they don't care about me (because honestly that's what has been happening recently). Over the past couple of months I've been at a constant all time low where I don't seem to feel happy much and I'm constantly distracted by the fact that I feel terrible.

It feels like I'm out of control and I hate the feeling, but I've discovered to regain control I distort my eating patterns to starve myself in the mornings up until after school where I can't handle it and I end up bingeing. It sickens me every day that I can't control myself in that way but I know I've gotten into a brutal cycle and it feels like it will only stop when I learn to have control over my eating, only to starve myself all day. I also started self harming about a month ago, but I stopped that about a week ago and even though its been tempting I'm so far resisting the urge.

I've been regularly in contact with a counsellor from kids helpline over the past month and a half and its been helpful but I'm still struggling to find the worth in being resilient when I can't even find it in myself. I feel really down all the time and I'm tempted to just follow my emotionally unstable thoughts and not try to fix stuff because I'm on my own anyway (well that's what it feels like) but I'm at a dilemma in my head between giving up and me 'logically' knowing that I need to fix something. That being said, the fact that I understand that makes me seem like I've got myself sorted even though I don't and it puts me off seeking help further (in person). I want help but I feel like my problems aren't big enough and I'm scared of being judged even though I know it will be to the contrary but I really struggle to accept it when people actually say that I am deserving.

[jumpyjellyfish-]

thank you 🙂

yeah time is definitely a thing - i think it's because basically leading up to something when there is more time less i lean more towards not really wanting to do something and having a lack of motivation, what's the point etc. but then just before my like 'ok but i need to get this done otherwise ___, ___, and ___ and probably more bad things will happen' mindset kicks in and i get anxious about it. it sometimes frustrates me though to be honest because it's like im glad that even doing that i can somehow usually get good results out of it but then it just looks like im just 'bad at time management but good at working under pressure'. which to some extent is valid but there's more to it and i dont know why i keep doing the same thing; falling into the same cycle over, and over again. it feels like im spiralling with a lot of those things and i guess thats why i want to vent about it to my psych - so that i can get off of those spiralling trains of thoughts and feelings.

im trying to be prouder of myself for how ive been travelling - which is hard when half of me doesnt want to be here, and the other half is determined to just get better, but then a little of that is wondering whether it's even possible. i guess i have to keep trying though. feeling a tiny bit hopeful would you believe 🙂

[therising]

Hi jumpy jellyfish 🙂

I know what you mean with a lot to do in little time and how that can be a motivator. Some people work brilliantly under pressure and some work brilliantly but feel stress. Am wondering what the difference is. What comes to mind is one mindset involves love and the other fear. Perhaps the loving person loves the challenge of seeing if they can get it all done in the time they're given. They love the feeling. I suppose we can all have moments like this, where we get to the end of the challenge and feel absolutely pumped. The fearful person fears not being able to manage with the little time they've got. They fear they may fail and they hate this feeling. The most important part of a confident person's plan would have to be flexibility. If things begin to go off track a little, they can manage to go with the flow. The confident person may use hyperactivity to drive them and they have skills in managing that hyperactivity (of the mind and body). A less confident person may feel that seemingly unmanageable hyperactivity as 'stress'. There are skills in managing that much activity in the mind and body.

The question becomes 'How can I learn to love and better manage a time based challenge, changing my perception and relationship with it?'

To be in 2 minds is definitely challenging. It's like there's some long winded battle going on inside of us at times. I can recall aspects of my years in depression where that battle would get seriously tough, where it literally became a life and death battle. Depression can be incredibly cruel. In the battle of 2 minds, you could say one mind will keep you in depression and the other will take you out. The challenge is to listen more and more to the mind that will take you out. This can be an enormous challenge. At one point, that part of you said 'You need to see someone' and here you are, having listened, seeing your psych. You know how to accept the tough challenges that inspiration can sometimes present us with. From experience, inspiration is not all lighthearted happy stuff, it can present some truly hard challenges, ones that you are gradually rising to. Inspiration can often push us outside out comfort zone and then lead us to feel happy and proud of our self for having finally gone there.

🙂

[jumpyjellyfish-]

yeah i feel like ive been in two mind about everything. i want to stop self harming completely but it is a powerful coping strategy (although i have been using it less regularly than I was a month or two ago so it's getting better), i want to eat normally but i feel guilty about eating in the first place, i dont want to have thoughts of suicide but it feels like an effective way to deal with or resolve the pain, you get the idea. its a pretty constant dilemma.

to be honest, ive definitely been that person who hates the feeling of being under pressure but at the same time, sometimes i work best when when im forced to sit down and do something. when i say that though, i mean when i force myself to work on something. someone else tries to tell me and i get frustrated and it feels more like the external pressure is greater than the time pressure already, on top of me feeling like otherwise i would be failing myself

[Guest_4643]

Hey jumpy jellyfish, I'm sorry I didn't reply earlier. How have you been?

[jumpyjellyfish-]

hey mb20lover, ive been ok i guess idk pretty tired atm

ive just been thinking about stuff. i tend to feel like i know why people act certain ways and say certain stuff, like im really conscious of it. but atm idk whether im just really anxious and making false assumptions or its true

ive been having some self harm urges just the past day or so... tbh i self harmed yesterday, and the urge is hanging around. i feel bad about it almost in a way that sickens me that i feel like its never worthy because i only SH minorly and like ik no matter what its still SH (like whether its bad or not) but still. i just feel like im not good enough

i feel like im getting stuck a little more in a low mood like i was couple weeks ago rather than just anxiety ridden. unlike the rest of my assignments, i have yet another due tmr i havent started but i just dont really care about and i dont care enough to even stress im just not motivated. my teacher is also being an ass and gave it to us yesterday and she agreed with another teacher we would have a week to complete it. yeah no. tempted to just hand her a blank piece of paper although ik i wont really. i'll panic and do it tmr morning.

last night was fun. totally fun. science was due today, planned to do it last night and procrastinated all night then fell asleep close to midnight on my floor because i had been laying there for hours (right next to my bed, idek y), then woke up during the night, then again for good at 5:30 without an alarm tho. glad tho cus i managed surprisingly to be able to do my work then. finding im most productive in the early morning cus i dont have the chance for distracting thoughts to build up inside

i had like a half hour time today, near the end of school where i had a bunch of energy for seemingly no reason. may have had something to do with actually eating lunch or just actually having something enjoyable to do at break. after about 20 or so minutes back into class though my mood kinda crashed. idk

also have like homework sorta from my psych which i cant be motivated to do also cus its abt intrusive thoughts i just dont know what to say cus the one thats been bothering me is like really difficult to share but ik i need to. its just hard.

im really frustrated that i cant just feel good. like so many people find it so easy. i used to, more or less, always be happy. some anxiety but i didnt feel like shit. all. the. time. and i just dont know to believe its even possible to feel better anymore.

[Sophie_M]

Hi jumpy jellyfish :-],

We are sorry to hear that you're finding it very hard to cope lately and the self-harming urges have been quite strong lately.  It's very brave to admit that you self-harmed yesterday and we think it's great that you can be so vulnerable with this community.  We can understand that it difficult to feel good sometimes and can understand your frustration with yourself.  Try to be gentle with yourself as it seems you are really trying to do your best and you care about wanting things to be different for yourself.

We have contacted you privately and it would be great if we hear back from you.  As you know there is Kids Helpline. that you can contact via telephone and online counselling service specifically for young people aged 25 and under.

The community is here to support you and you are not alone.  Please allow us to help you.

[Guest_4643]

I'm so sorry, are you safe? I wish I could do more like give you a hug or something. We're here for you.

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Thanks Sophie_M, I replied to your email.

Honestly I was holding back yesterday from saying that I had self harmed because it is hard to talk about because it's vulnerable but I figure it's better to just get it out. Bottling things up for too long doesn't work too well as I've learnt the hard way in some instances. It just gets a bit much.

I just find it more and less challenging at different stages I guess to actually feel like I deserve to be kind to myself, you know? Like it's just hard at the moment to 'take a step back' I suppose and I'm just annoyed at myself and I feel like I can't help it.

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Yeah, thanks mb20lover I'll be alright,I'm safe just a bit over it...

Me too. Thank you xx

[Guest_4643]

I understand, I'm sorry xx