When it's not healthy to compare the pair!

[Petra]

I believe I cope reasonably well with my anxiety. I have compiled a fabulous mental health tool box over time, full of all sorts of stuff to help me keep balanced and pull it out on any sign of the wobbles. There is one thing that sneaks up on me though, and quickly, and unexpectedly, which can bring me down with a thud .... comparing. I don't spend too much time via media celebrity watching for this reason, have never been big on it, wasn't close enough to home to warrant my attention but a snippet of it, or just seeing others sometimes is a trigger. Once on the 'comparing' track I start with the self loathing eg I'm not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough.... and worse....my husband can do better than me! I know.... (head lowered here).... how much he truly loves me, and would be horrified if I shared this thought with him. Sorry....that's why I'm sharing it with you! This intrusive thinking is downright annoying and unhealthy. This is one bump in my otherwise smooth journey at the moment. I'm seeing a psych soon and this will be one of my opening lines....but just wondering if anyone else has thoughts on 'comparing oneself to others'?

Pet 😊

[White_Rose]

Hello Pet

Have I started or finished a project? Not exactly. I have restarted my scrapbooking and finding the energy and creativeness required. And of course the more I do the better I get. Also got out the embroidery. I can read and watch TV although not at the same time. I think the stars are aligned for me. 😊

Feeling more relaxed about cooking. This is not one of my best attributes. But good on roasts. Paul please note, I'll swop you some landscaping for a roast. Too scared to suggest a houseclean if you are better than girls.

I have found that when I cannot bring myself to do "things" or I find the TV triggers too much it's time to do some work on getting back on track. When it happens as a result of doing something without expectations it's wonderful. I love those aahhh moments and they fill me with such joy and delight.

At the moment I am revelling in the feeling of something positive happening. Not sure what but I am certain it's good. When I return to earth I will let you know. 😊

I wonder how much the weather affects our mood. I know some folk have problems with a lack of sunshine, Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). Who was the clever person who thought that one up? I dislike the hot humid summers. Perhaps I should live in Tasmania instead of Brisbane. But I also find that lots of dreary, grey days, especially when it's cold, also makes me a bit miserable. (So Tasmania may not be a good choice.) I don't know the answer to this. How does the weather affect you Petra?

So tell me Pet, what do you mean by upgrading your media software. Be gentle, I am not a computer nerd. I can switch it on though and my daughter tells me I know more than the parents of her friends. Not much of a recommendation but then her friends' parents are my age. Maybe I get a good wrap because she wants me to babysit. I get her husband to check out my computer on occasions. He rattles off a list of things I "ought" to do and I forget or wait until daughter translates.

Keep the good bits going and tell us all about it.

Mary

[blondguy]

Hey Pet...thankyou for your heartfelt response. You do sound a heap better than when you first signed up...big time! And good on you Pet. Your confidence levels are really good.

Bluguru: Can I call you Captain Spock? I know a roast isnt complicated and the Google Machine can be a huge help. You have a stack of common sense and an innate gift for being logical. How come I couldnt get a girl to use a VCR back in the early 90's? To me it wasnt complicated just like a roast isnt to you 😉

Mr Woof! xx

[themadchatter]

Hello Petra

I frequently have the bad habit of comparing myself to others. It's gotten alot worse in the last few years. A few weeks after I turned 17 I moved to country South Australia by myself to go back to school again. I spent a lot of time hanging around friends that had the most supportive parents you can possibly have. At the time I didn't notice it but looking back at it now I see it clearly. I come from a family of divorced parents who split up when I was 11 and in the time since I've not felt like I can talk to either my mother (because she just doesn't care) and my father who has a mental disability so while he does care I know that he's not able to offer the kind of guidance or advice a person would need. So going back to my move. I was around a lot of families that were very loving and close and while I think they didn't mind me hanging around a part of me always felt a bit envious that these school friends had a great relationship with their families. In the years that have passed since completing high school alot of these friends have gotten married and have started families of their own and it makes me look at myself and wondering why I don't have any of that. Is there something wrong with me that I can't see. It's also affected me regarding employment. For a long time I've never known what I wanted to do because I had no one to talk to about what interests me and I see these friends that have everything I want and the fact I don't have it just gets me so down most days. I try to get somewhere but the anxiety I have makes me hold back for fear of failure

[White_Rose]

Dear TMC

Hello, it's good to meet you. Welcome to Beyond Blue.

I am sorry you had a sad childhood when your parents separated. At that age it must have been very difficult. Did you live with either parent until you went to SA? It is hard to see friends living in a secure family circle when you feel you have nothing. One good thing you can take from this is that you know how families are supposed to work and be ready to be a good parent when you have your own children.

You have not told us your age so it is difficult to know if being unmarried by now is unusual. Many men do not marry and start a family until they are in their 30s. My SIL was 34 when he married my daughter, and another ten years older when their daughter was born. I cannot see any reason for you to suppose there is anything wrong with you.

Talking to someone about your ambitions, job prospects, marriage etc is something we take for granted and sadly you have not had this opportunity. When you were at schools, were there any particular subjects that you had an affinity with? Maths, art, science, writing, computers. What about manual activities such as woodworking? It's been a while since my children were at school so I expect that not only the names of subjects but the subjects themselves have changed. But I hope you get the idea.

How do you feel about talking to someone about these things? Relationships Australia is a non-profit organisation which has staff with the expertise to talk to you on this subject and also help you with your anxiety. I presume you do not take medication for this. Not that it is necessary. We all have some anxiety in our lives and although it can get uncomfortable it is often the body trying to tell us something.

Please carry on writing here. The other folk will be along soon to offer their support and suggestions.

Mary

[themadchatter]

Hello Mary, thanks for taking the time to reply. When my parents split up the way I dealt with it was by eating. I used to be a skinny kid but I gained some weight as a result of relying on food to take my mind of the seperation problem. I was living in Adelaide with my mother when I got the opportunity to go back to school, because a friend of the family was a teacher and when he moved back to Australia from England he got a job in the country 3 hours away from Adelaide and asked me if I wanted to give high school another chance which I said yes. I turned 30 earlier this year in March and while some men have kids in the 20's and some in their 30's. In my family I am older in age myself now than my parents and two older siblings were when they first had kids...what I mean is that my Dad was 23 when he first became a parent, my mum was 17, my older brother was 20 and my sister was 18..and here I am at 30 now with no kids of my own and no prospects on the horizon of ever having kids.

I was told I had a good mind for maths and I like computers both using them and have always been fascinated with opening up electronic devices to see what was inside of them. At the age when I started being curious about electronics and things like that I was living with my mother but she didn't care enough to notice or even try to encourage me about a career path. I used to spend hours opening up my younger siblings toys and look inside them to any other parent they would have clicked on to the fact that I enjoyed that and would have taken the time to guide me to a career in electronics.

I have no issues talking with someone once I find someone comfortable enough to open up to, my problem is that I don't seem able to take the first step in initiating contact. I don't take any medication at all except for panadol tablets for the occassional headache.

themadchatter

[White_Rose]

Thanks for your reply TMC. Just a quick comment. Have you considered going to uni and studying any of the areas of interest to you?

How lovely your family friend thought to suggest you return to school. It gave you something of a foundation to build on.

It's interesting about families and the ages at which individuals marry and start families of their own.Three of my children found partners in their 20s and 30s, while my youngest son (and wife) had their first child at 18. But just because your family married early does not mean there is something wrong with you.

I suggested Relationships Australia because they have low charges, often free, for their counselling. They have a broad experience of a range of difficulties in life so would be well placed to talk to you. In lieu of having a family to talk to about your career choices, one these counsellors may be just the thing.

I am interested in how you go with your search.

Mary

[themadchatter]

I've always wanted to go to University but as I said growing up I never got the emotional support a child should have and I'm sure my siblings feel the same way. I grew up doubting my ability to study at University. What if I'm not good enough etc. Even when I was at that school from 17 to 19 years old there were some friends that I hung out with who still lived at home because I was the oldest student at that school in the time I was there and so I'd be around their parents sometimes as well and just never felt like I could speak to them in the way their own kids could because I wasn't their child at all. Now I look back and see how close they all still are in photos and man it gets me down so much.

I tried reaching out to a mate recently who owns a Gym business up in the Adelaide Hills...which I can get to by bus. I asked him if he ever comes down to the city. I've not heard back yet..I find it difficult to talk with friends about issues I'm dealing with..the majority of times I have spent with him we just talk about small stuff, make jokes...as my way of trying to connect when every part of me is screaming to unload all the worries, concerns I have. He's a good bloke but I just fear opening up to him so I don't know how well I'd do with a stranger

[Petra]

Hello TMC

Nice to meet you. Pleased you landed here in this post and shared your struggle with the 'unhealthy' comparing thingy we do. I see Mary has helped out too. It appears you'd like to talk it out. Are you comfortable talking about these things on BB? I've found it extremely helpful. I always felt like I was the only one going through certain things. Of course I knew I couldn't possibly be but didn't know how to connect with others who are, until now.

I spent a great deal of time in my friend's house growing up. I'm grateful for this. Of course I wanted my parents to be 'normal' as I referred to it. My mother often told her friends proudly that she 'let's her children learn from their mistakes'. Well I didn't kill my friend while I was learning from my mistakes I'm pleased to say but some days we came awfully close! We use to get up to some mischief! Of course my friend preferred to be at my house because she had so much freedom, and I wanted to be at her house where it was quiet, home cooked mesls, warm and uncomplicated. My friend was always well groomed, dressed and had amazing lunch box at school. Her mother baked! I was envious! My mother worked full time. My siblings older than me eventually left home. I was a latchkey kid. I learnt independence quickly. For that I'm grateful.

We don't always get everything we need from our parents. I desperately wished my earlier years were different. As soon as I accepted this would never be different. Something had to change and it had to be how I thought about the past, only then did I start to feel better in and about myself.

There is no norm. My friend's ideal home life growing up didn't protect her from marrying a man who turned into a drug addict and thief, or her brother from becoming an alcoholic, and bachelor. Her parents are still married to this day. My mother's had three husbands. I turned out okay. My siblings are ok. There's no such thing as a normal family.

Hope you stick around BB for a while and chat. May I suggest you speak to your GP too? He/she can give you some helpful tips too.

Pet 😊

[themadchatter]

Hello Pet

I recently went to a doctor and had a mental health evaluation done by a doctor. Took a few weeks for me to receive a phone call from a psychiatrist about counselling sessions. I feel hesitant to call back mostly I think because I am used to dealing with things alone...and having no other options. The thought of opening up to a counsellor worries me

[Petra]

Hi TMC

You are sooooooo not alone here! Me too. I've been meaning to see a psychologist for a few years now! Made an appointment, cancelled the appointment but made it again. They suggested I make two! They're on to me! I did so because deep down I know it's the right thing to do and it's time. I'm only prolonging the agony in not opening up to a professional. I'm taking a risk. I've made a deal with myself....I'll give it three appointments. If I'm not comfortable, I'll try another psych but I owe it to myself to help myself out here. I'm beginning to accept my anxiety like I accept the other not so perfect things about me. For example, my thighs! They're a little chubby (you see I looooove chocolate) so chubby thighs it is! But, I have choice here. I can accept that this is where the chub likes to sit, and refuse to eat what's not good for me, and exercise like mad, or undergo cosmetic surgery! I choose a healthy balance between all of these. Acceptance and maintenance.

I'm going to see my new psych at the end of this month. How about you ring yours back and make a time? We can support each other in this? Your thoughts?