When it's not healthy to compare the pair!

[Petra]

I believe I cope reasonably well with my anxiety. I have compiled a fabulous mental health tool box over time, full of all sorts of stuff to help me keep balanced and pull it out on any sign of the wobbles. There is one thing that sneaks up on me though, and quickly, and unexpectedly, which can bring me down with a thud .... comparing. I don't spend too much time via media celebrity watching for this reason, have never been big on it, wasn't close enough to home to warrant my attention but a snippet of it, or just seeing others sometimes is a trigger. Once on the 'comparing' track I start with the self loathing eg I'm not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough.... and worse....my husband can do better than me! I know.... (head lowered here).... how much he truly loves me, and would be horrified if I shared this thought with him. Sorry....that's why I'm sharing it with you! This intrusive thinking is downright annoying and unhealthy. This is one bump in my otherwise smooth journey at the moment. I'm seeing a psych soon and this will be one of my opening lines....but just wondering if anyone else has thoughts on 'comparing oneself to others'?

Pet 😊

[blondguy]

Hi Petra

A great topic and nice to see you too:-) I think many people with or without anxiety disorder 'compare'.

With anxiety disorder we may be more likely to compare as our self esteem is like a 'tennis ball in a tumble dryer'

To be blunt I used to think that I wasnt good enough for my ex girlfriend because of my illness. I would let the thought 'float' by me when I could as it wasnt conducive to my recovery. I think that anxiety can also give our self confidence a hard time too which then can open the door for these thoughts.

Having a 'tired' mind can be a pain as we tend to 'overthink' and create only more anxiety. Well done for booking the doc Pet:-) I have always respected your pro-active attitude.

Kind thoughts

Paulx

[Petra]

Thanks Paul.

Your reply is a big help.

If I may, I'm going to adopt your 'float' analogy, and send those thoughts 'on their way'! After all, that's how the darn things arrive!

Yes. Sleep, lack of it that is, is a tell-tale sign for me anyway, that I'm a little on the anxious side. I'll keep working away at this.

Downloading to the psych will do me some good, I'm sure. Just being able to write on BB and read other's stories helps me in that I don't feel like I'm the only one.

Thanks again for the encouragement and your reply.

When I'm being proactive and posting with you folk, I'm motivating myself at the same time! My inspiration to keep myself well has always been so I can be of some help to others also. I've had many a carers role. Started young.

I've been anxious for as long as I can remember. I've been on the motivation treadmill from the age of 14 after my dad suicided. My world turned black, the depression and other was mind blowing and all that I knew of my life to that age was busted. The ripple affect of his death hung around for some considerable years. This event left me with permanent scars but is also the catalyst to my keeping well.

I like to fix things, and permanently, so the anxiety, past periods of depression, the fear of relapse, is unwelcome, and always exhausting. I believe I need to accept the 'forever' part of my illnesses and also accept the 'ongoing management' required and JUST DO IT!

Pet 😌

[blondguy]

Hey Pet

I am the same as you with wanting to fix things permanently. I am actually very proud of you as you have never once mentioned the word 'fight' (as in fight the anxiety) and good on you for that!

I had a crackerjack female GP in 1995 that said and I will quote her "Paul...you will have this anxiety long term". I freaked out and thought 'no way'. ....Until I realised that she only wanted me to 'accept' my own anxiety. It took a few years but after a while I understood that she said it "so my anxiety became boring through acceptance"

Oh my...I hope that made some sense:-)

I only started on Beyond Blue in January this year after weeks alone and was beside myself with depression. The therapeutic benefits of posting on the forums have helped me heal and also meet great people like you Petra:-)

I have been and will be a big fan of yours Pet

My kind thoughts

Paulx

[Petra]

Paul......yes, yes and YES! You definitely make perfect sense! You have hit the nail on the head for me. I had a lightbulb moment on reading your reply post (brought back to the present promptly as I was burning my toast in the process)!

My suspicion of 'needing to accept the anxiety and the possibility of relapse' is another piece in my puzzle! Although I've been proactive throughout I haven't accepted these illnesses as my 'norm'. Perhaps I'll give my conditions a pet-name...and say hello to my anxiety when it pops up...perhaps ...."you ol' boring chestnut"! As for depression....I'll need some time to think of a pet-name for my black dog. I like the Black dog analogy. Relate well to this one (animal lover). Perhaps I can acklowledge it's existence, pat it on the head, and keep going as I've seen in an animated video on just that. One thing's for sure. I'm not doing it alone like I have mostly done so up to present. Especially now I can be in contact with others who are experiencing similar to myself. Thank heavens for the resources and society acknowledgement of mental illness today.

Thank you for sharing Paul. It takes courage to post. Your reply and your your take on what I said and importantly, didn't say means a great deal to me. A game changer believe me! You're a gem in your reply posts too. Not just to me but to all of us. I too am a fan of yours. Love ya work!

Let's all use our illnesses for good instead of evil!

Signing off....

BB cheerleader Pet 😊

[RampantRnr]

Hi Pet,

Nice to meet you and thankyou for posting and for sharing some issues which have been particularly challenging for you! I commend you for coming on and letting us know what you're struggling with, and that we are all here to help 🙂

I struggle with a lot of the same comparisons as yourself - in fact I am struggling with it right at this very moment. I am in my own head, convincing myself that my wife will get fed up with me, she will leave me and take my son and that will be it for me. I am continually comparing myself to other people, and really asking myself "why does X look so happy" and "I wish I could smile and laugh like X".

But then I realise, that in life, things happen, and that instead of reacting, I need to be proactive, accept that this is an issue that I am managing as best I can, and not to be too hard on myself. What has worked particularly well for me, is that I journal each morning, and at the end of each morning, I write down 3 things that I am grateful for, and 3 things that I am happy about. Each morning, I add to the list of grateful things/happy feelings and read this aloud. I've really only just started, but I think this is an excellent strategy.

Always here for you Pet! 🙂

[Petra]

Hello RampantRnr

Thank you for replying to my post. Nice to meet you too, and it feels great knowing you and others are here for me. Thank you.

Sharing experiences and tips on keeping well is something I haven't done too much of, until now. I'm a bit dark on myself for this because I now know that doing so is a huge part of one getting well and keeping well. Up until now, I didn't want too many knowing of my anxiety etc for fear of being thought as unfit eg unfit to be in my job, unfit to be a mum! This of course was and is untrue but did and still does motivate me to work harder at managing myself. A paradox to say the least. It's my job these days that keeps me 'in hiding'! That's why I find BB excellent. Thres so much to gain here. Accelerated learning at its best.

Does your wife know that you are fearful she'll leave you and take your son? I wonder what she'd say if you did tell her. It may help to tell her if not. Generally us other halves like to hear what's bugging our significant other. Can bring us closer, sharing the load, dispelling untruths.

When non-helpful thoughts pop up for you, do you have a tool to send them on their way? I'm going to try Paul's suggestion re 'floating' and let my not so very thoughtful thoughts float right on by without me entertaining, analysing and ingesting them!

Thank you for the tip re the journal and writing 3 things to be happy about. Here's a thought....can you repeat those 3 things when comparing thoughts appear? Fire back at these unhelpful thoughts with your 3 chosen ones for that day? I might give this a go myself. Would you like to also and get back to me?

All the best.

Pet 😊

[White_Rose]

Hello Petra

It's nice to meet you. Our paths haven't crossed before but it's good to talk to you now. Comparisons are the bane of everyone's life. Even those without a mental illness will compare themselves unfavourably to others. I believe this is because the human race is intrinsically competitive, which has been one of our strengths, and unfortunately one of our least attractive attributes as well.

How lovely you have amassed a large mental health toolbox ready for immediate us. Having only joined the ranks of the depressed in the past 15 years and being quite a stubborn person, I only recently started to add to my 'glory box'.

I gather you have not seen a psych before. Is this a psychologist or psychiatrist? I imagine from your post that it's a psychologist as this seems the most useful in your situation. When these folk are good they are very good.

Believing we are unworthy of love and affection is such a feature of depression and so annoying. We know, intellectually, this not true, but our brains refuse to acknowledge this. One of the more recent advances in our understanding of how the brain works is neuroplasticity. This says our brains are capable of change all through our lifetime, which is different to previously accepted wisdom that said once when we get to 30-40 there is no capacity for change.

It's such a tremendous revelation for us because now we can employ change management in the brain without being told it's pointless. Basically what happens is our brains make default pathways in our thinking and, like any path, the more often it's used the bigger and more defined it becomes. Now we know we are capable of change we can start to forge new paths. When you catch yourself traveling the same old highway you need to make a conscious effort to think along a different path. So instead of why is the person prettier, slimmer, more attractive, clever etc we concentrate on ourselves and think in a different way.

For me it's acknowledging the other and saying, "Do you want to be slimmer" (which I do) "and if so why". My answer is because my doctor will then get off my back about it. Seriously though, my health would improve and I would have more stamina and enjoyment in my life. Well stop hanging about and get on with it.

No it's not quite that easy but that's the general idea. The more we travel a new path the more likely it is to become our default path. Isn't great that computer technology has given us a whole new language?

Mary

[Petra]

Hi Mary,

Thanks so much for your post. I agree. The comparing is in our nature. When I compare and I'm not in my best place (slightly off balance at present but starting to feel better on the anti anxiety meds) the comparing spirals, hitting the bottom with a bottom line of 'check - not good enough'. Happens quick too. I'm working on this one now and have benefited from the kind words and helpful tips and advice in this post. Not to mention that you all have said it exists! Not being the only one helps, although I empathise with those having to go through it too. Coming up from the spiral is a pain!

I'll take on board what you say about questioning the comparison thingy.... I think I'm right here...... Eg my house is old and small, a cottage. It's me all over but then I'm off kilter, spiral starts with the mention of so and so's new house has this and that, and then bam! I didn't have a problem with my house until then. I should earn more, should've got that Uni degree, etc etc etc. Why am I thinking less of myself because I don't have 3 bathrooms, six bedrooms, and a pool!?" Cranky at myself for even going there.....I'm not materialistic! My response if this should come up again...."imagine the cleaning I'd have to do?" That should surface me to the top with "No way do I envy the big house" ..and I love my house again, and I'm back to being my less-means-more self! Yes, I'm sure this'll work!

I have to say, I've never believed people can't create new pathways in the brain. I had a boss long ago, unhelpful to say the least, used to say often "a leopard never changes it's spots" I agree....re the leopard that is, but not the human race. Thank you for filling me in on this one. I'm no expert but that's downright ridiculous and dangerous people can't change their thinking. I've made a great deal of new pathways in my brain to date. The most being from the age of 36!

I saw a psychologist quite some time ago. She cringed and I never went back! My GP took over with counselling. Helpful man but retired. After that I've been flying solo. I see a psych at the end of this month. 😊

You've helped me out here.

Pet 😊

[White_Rose]

Hello Petra

I'm doing a bit of late night writing so if I make lots of typos it's because I should be in bed. Shame about the psychologist, but there are good ones out there. Shame about your GP as well. I call it downright selfish to retire when people need him. 😊

It's a long wait to see another psych, but then patience has never been my best feature. I do have a tendency to want results today or preferably yesterday. It never occurred to me that I couldn't learn new things until I was told I was too old to learn to play the piano. If I can learn to make my phone do all the fancy things I'm told it will do I can play the piano.

Great change of thought about your house. And it is so irritating when you become dissatisfied with something you previously loved. Well unless we are talking about husbands and that's a different story.

I can see I have brain fade coming on so had best go to bed.

Mary