Be Yourself but who am I?

[quirkywords]

I have often been told to just be myself but then I am encouraged to be softer, think less, eat less, worry less, relax more , exercise more, be more confident, less timid, less cautious, more adventurous,less selfish, stop being a people pleaser, be happier, be kinder , ask less questions and the list goes on.

I find this confusing if I am to be myself why must I change?

The other problem is who am I, which self should I be: the introvert, the extrovert, the cautious, the risk-taker, the overthinker, the fast talker, the quiet one, the indecisive one, the spontaneous one, the carefree one, the worried one, the selfish one, the altruistic one, and much more.

Thse two words be yourself seem so easy for many people but not for me as it fills me with many questions.

I will limit myself to two questions .

Can you be yourself without changing?

Is it possible to change/improve a part of yourself and still be yourself?

Quirky

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Quirky,

Good on you for reaching out and opening up a little more...not that I'm really one to talk as I tend to keep things close to my heart...much like my sideways seashell heart avatar. Go figure...

Anyway, I wanted to swing by to give you a cyber hug and lend my support. My 2 c? You clearly love your daughter but love doesn't mean we must say "yes" all the time if that makes sense. Saying "no" out of self preservation doesn't lessen your love for her.

As you know, I am a person who is- for better or for worse- heavily guided by instinct (especially when my brain is on leave as it is now); so I think if your intuition is telling you that assisting her with this project will be triggering and upsetting then I say, go with your gut. I mean, as you said, reading her email alone already issued a red flag in your head.

I think it's okay to say "no" (not that you need anyone's "permission"). I mean, you and your daughter have worked through past issues before so even if she is temporarily upset (or she might not be), I have faith you can build a bridge again.

kind thoughts,

Pepper xo

[Guest_128]

Hey Quirky,

The first thing that stood out for me was,your daughter said she would have a different perspective. So for me that's not about you! I think it would be very unhealthy to be the subject for uni.

If she was genuine about how YOU feel and think,that would be different. I would not expect your daughter to understand.

Later

[lucagabriella]

Hi Quirky

I agree with Pepper, it is 100% okay to say no if you know that it may be upsetting for you. Saying no does not mean you love her any less - you have a right to do what feels right for you.

I don't know your relationship with her and as I am not a parent it is hard to give appropriate advice that may be helpful. However, if you are so concerned and feeling guilty for saying no, do you think you could maybe talk to her about that and tell her why it is you are saying no? That way, at least, she will be able to know why and understand (even if she doesn't agree, her understanding may alleviate feelings of guilt?)

Whether you chose to take that advice or not, the most important thing you take I think is to not feel guilty for saying no. People are allowed to look out for their own happiness, and in this case saying no does not hurt anyone.

Hopefully this helped a little 🙂 If you need to talk more let us know

- lucagabriella

[quirkywords]

Thanks pepper(love the avatar) Later and Lucagabriella for all your kind thoughts and hug, much appreciate. I an hurry now to open shop but will reply later. I just felt I had to let out my feelings and this was the place. The prompt replies really helped. I know I can't win as I feel low for all the mistakes of my past and disappointed that I make out I am so honest and open and yet I can't help my daughter when she needs me.

Later, you are right, if it was another student or interviewer I would open up but someone involved with me an my past and she warned me it would be confronting and challenging that will be complex.

I will comment more later. All support welcome but I feel so silly when so many on this forum have real problems mine seems so trivial this is why I dont get too personal but today I did need support and still do.

Pepper, thanks for your comment as it made a lot of sense, still doesn't mean I wont worry!! and Luciagabriella you are so mature and I welcome your input.

Quirky

[quirkywords]

I have had a reply to my email to her.

She won't take no and is trying to convince me.
she wrote I think parenting with a mental illness is important to talk about whether you are medicated or not while parenting. If you are worried about what I would say, that's not the point of my speech. I am going to look at all the research and talk about the gaps in services for parents.

So now I feel I have really let her down. I have worked so hard on becoming healthy maybe I am too afraid.

It is strange how just when you think you have your emotions in order something can throw you.

I pride myself on my openness and honesty. Later you are right to pick up on perspective and the fact I was warned the process would be confronting and challenging.

Quirky the worried one

[lucagabriella]

I still maintain that you stick to your gut. If you don't want to talk about it, you shouldn't feel like you have to, especially not for the sake of someone else. You know yourself better than anyone; if you feel you may not be able to deal with the confrontation, it is okay to say no. You have to look our for your own happiness, because at the end of the day when you're standing in your own shoes, you have to feel the consequences of doing it.

I also think that you (or anyone for that matter) cannot avoid confrontation your whole life. I can see why you don't want to do it in this instance, and that is totally okay, I still encourage you to say no if you are not feeling good about it, but in the future you may want to start thinking about facing the past. But you can start doing that in baby steps - I think doing this right now is clearly something you are not fully ready for yet.

Hope this helped

[quirkywords]

Luciagabriella

thanks for your help.

I have in fact been open about the past but any discussion ends in accusations against me and nothing gets sorted so we decided a few years ago we can't change the past only the present and the future. I write and talk a lot about mental health issues.

As a parent I can not change the past and I have apologised but going back there at any time with us will cause pain and no closure. Being a parent is very difficult and one does one's best.

Quirky

[Guest_3712]

Hey Quirky,

I agree with everything the others have said. We give a lot to our children, sacrifice many things to ensure they have a good safe life which is as it should be. However you are you first and foremost and don't have to share parts of your life that are still so raw that they cause you pain and distress.

I don't know your daughter, but in my experience children are very good at making you feel guilty - from not giving in to a treat before dinner, or a bike for Christmas. You have a good relationship with your daughter so I think you need to see each other in person,( as emails can be misconstrued ) and you need to explain that at this point , while of course you would like to help her out, the process would not be good for you.

Keep in mind living with MI is very different to living with someone who has MI. She may still get upset but as everyone has said, this is your decision you have to do what is best for you.

Take Care Friend

Stressless

[quirkywords]

Stressless

Thanks for your kind words. It is hard in this forum to explain a life time of issues so I appreciate your support.

I know that living with MI is totally different from living with someone who has MI and I have experienced both.

Quirky

[Guest_128]

Hey ,

not that anyone listens to me but,

She needs to respect that this is about your health and that is far more important than an assignment.

Do you have anyone you know that would be able to be the subject?

Maybe say if you feel comfortable with any other assignments she is doing Later on.

Later