Be Yourself but who am I?

[quirkywords]

I have often been told to just be myself but then I am encouraged to be softer, think less, eat less, worry less, relax more , exercise more, be more confident, less timid, less cautious, more adventurous,less selfish, stop being a people pleaser, be happier, be kinder , ask less questions and the list goes on.

I find this confusing if I am to be myself why must I change?

The other problem is who am I, which self should I be: the introvert, the extrovert, the cautious, the risk-taker, the overthinker, the fast talker, the quiet one, the indecisive one, the spontaneous one, the carefree one, the worried one, the selfish one, the altruistic one, and much more.

Thse two words be yourself seem so easy for many people but not for me as it fills me with many questions.

I will limit myself to two questions .

Can you be yourself without changing?

Is it possible to change/improve a part of yourself and still be yourself?

Quirky

[quirkywords]

Cmf I try to talk to those next to me and not to ignore anyone. 

[quirkywords]

  Be yourself is hard as one ages as who are we Are we the person are children want and expect, the fyn grandparent .

I just watched an UK movie about a woman who felt betrayed by her husband after decades of marriage when he left her for a younger woman. then she realised she had betrayed herself by being the person he and others wanted her to be. 
What do others. Think. I find I am often trying to be the real me because pleasing others never works. I just find it complicated and still am not sure which is the real quirky.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Quirky,

I agree that what it means to be oneself is not necessarily straight forward. The UK movie sounds interesting and I think many of us have been what others want us to be, and when we finally realise that's what has happened it's a journey we didn't even anticipate trying to find out who we are ourselves.

As a child I had so many overwhelming pressures to conform to that I felt my purpose was to meet others needs and demands. So I didn't really see myself at all, let alone know how to be myself. Now, aged 50, I've discovered I have a dissociative disorder and I'm discovering parts of myself I previously didn't know existed, yet those parts were there all along, adapting to the circumstances of my life. So the question of being myself is really quite complex and I'm probably less clear than ever who I am (whoever I is), but I'm learning and becoming clearer about parts of myself that separated off at certain ages.

I agree that pleasing others never really works. People who make demands or expectations tend to never be satisfied no matter how much we do what they say they want. So I think being the real you makes sense. Perhaps really focussing on what your own preferences and interests are will help, so you are pleasing you rather than others.

I think all of us have parts, even those without a dissociative condition, so in a sense we are all multiple selves. There will be some days we feel more adventurous and other days we want to retreat under a blanket. Sometimes we feel like we need social interaction and other days we really don't want it. It's entirely possible to feel drawn in different directions at once too or throughout the day. So I think the answer might be living in the moment and being with where we are at in the present - responding to the needs of the part of self that is most prominent in that moment.

One thing I know Quirky is you are a kind and thoughtful person, so I would say that that is a key feature of the real Quirky. You always ask the best questions, so I feel like you are also questioning and curious which is a great way to be.

I was thinking about your two original questions above:

Can you be yourself without changing?

Is it possible to change/improve a part of yourself and still be yourself?

I think the answer is yes to both questions. I think we can look into ourselves and learn and grow without changing our core nature, and therefore it is also true that we can improve parts of ourselves and still be ourselves. I think who we are has always been running along in the background throughout our life and continues to do so, but we can develop that self or selves while our original essence is still there. It's a bit like a tree that has a solid trunk at its base, and all these branches develop and grow off it, but the original trunk is always still there and holds up the branches which are always connected to it. Our different traits or selves are like the branches, twisting and turning in different directions, while the trunk is our core essence from which everything else has grown.

Hugs,

ER