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MsPurple LGBT+ members - got a question - need somewhere to start - here is the place
  • replies: 221

Welcome LGBT+ members and ally to the community. A few LGBT+ forum users have questions and concerns they can't a find a place to ask it here on the beyond blue forums so I thought starting a place for questions and more serious/heavy conversations H... View more

Welcome LGBT+ members and ally to the community. A few LGBT+ forum users have questions and concerns they can't a find a place to ask it here on the beyond blue forums so I thought starting a place for questions and more serious/heavy conversations Here you can ask questions about anything from questioning your sexuality/gender identity, coming out concerns, dating, mental health etc. If you are an ally (an Ally is a person who considers themselves a friend to the LGBTQ+ community) you are also welcome to come here to be a support to our community and ask questions as well. This is a supportive place for people to discuss their questions and concerns, we are not a place of judgement. As Thumper from the movie Bambi said "If you can't say somethin' nice, don't say nothin' at all." If you are looking for a more social and light hearted conversation might I suggest joining us on the thread under BB social/rainbow cafe. Copy and paste the link: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/bb-social-zone/let's-chat-about-anything Feel free to introduce yourself below and ask any question/s I thought I'd answer one common question in the intro post and this is one I have heard a lot. What do the letters mean? When referring to the community it is shortened to LGBT+ as there are more letters than just the 4. I have put some of the common ones here: Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender Transsexual Two-spirited Queer Questioning Intersex Asexual Ally Pansexual Agender Gender Queer Welcome everyone and hope to see you around on this thread and around the BB forums MP

Chris_B IMPORTANT: Information and guidelines for posting in this section
  • replies: 0

The Sexuality & Gender Identity space is a sub-forum within the wider beyondblue forum community. 1. Its purpose is to provide people who identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transsexual, transgender, intersex, queer or questioning (LGBTIQ) a safe spa... View more

The Sexuality & Gender Identity space is a sub-forum within the wider beyondblue forum community. 1. Its purpose is to provide people who identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transsexual, transgender, intersex, queer or questioning (LGBTIQ) a safe space to talk about how issues relating to gender identity and sexual orientation impact on mental health and wellbeing. 2. This includes discussion of and support around chronic illnesses such as HIV which disproportionately affect gay, bisexual and other men who have sex with men. 3. As this is a safe and affirming space for LGBTIQ individuals, please note this is not an appropriate space for debating the "rights and wrongs" of homosexuality, bisexuality, or gender fluidity itself. This includes use of terms such as "lifestyle" and "choice". 4. This sub-forum is and always will be a safe and supportive place for LGBTIQ people concerned with what we all need to do to stay well. That said, others are welcome provided they respect that this is primarily a LGBTIQ space. 5. If you do not identify as LGBTIQ, or are not currently supporting someone in your life who is LGBTIQ, and are curious about aspects of sexuality or gender identity, please read through beyondblue’s resources for and about LGBTIQ people here to educate yourself rather than posting in this section.

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marley01 Stuck in a rut
  • replies: 1

Hi everyone, I am 25yrs old and I am a lesbian. I feel like I am going to combust of stress and anxiety if I do not talk to someone soon. TBH the reason why i have dragged this out so long is because I didn't want to believe that a past situation eff... View more

Hi everyone, I am 25yrs old and I am a lesbian. I feel like I am going to combust of stress and anxiety if I do not talk to someone soon. TBH the reason why i have dragged this out so long is because I didn't want to believe that a past situation effected me as much as it actually has. My very first partner of 3yrs cheated on me with a male. This has now caused alot of problems. I do not trust any males apart from my Father. I don't have many straight guy friends, I can count them on one hand. Due to this now my current partner of 2.5yrs is aware of my "issue" with straight males. I feel like any male from her work wants to be more than friends and doesn't respect our relationship at all. I can outright say, she does not agree with me and feels I do not trust her which is not the case. I do not trust the boy in the situation. I instantly feel sick in the stomach if a conversation is spoken about of her male co-workers like something funny or if something happen. Ontop of that, I am anxious all the time. I have tried breathing exercises etc but I think I need some more tips. If the traffic is bad, running late, messy house etc etc my chest tightens and I get annoyed to the point I cannot shake it off and it ruins my day. I was recently promoted at work which has caused alot of stress and not believing in myself. Waking up for work is the worst because I dread it, even though its the most amazing job in the world and I LOVE working their.. its just my current mood I can't shake. HELP!

kalredhead I don't know what to do.
  • replies: 6

Hello everyone. I've been going through a rough time lately and I really just need someone to listen. I'm a 22 year old man, I'm gay and I have depression and social anxiety disorder. At the moment it feels like I'm standing on the platform watching ... View more

Hello everyone. I've been going through a rough time lately and I really just need someone to listen. I'm a 22 year old man, I'm gay and I have depression and social anxiety disorder. At the moment it feels like I'm standing on the platform watching The train known as my life just roll by without stopping and I don't know what to do. I used to have a large circle of friends in high school who were great to me and this is horrible but I was under a lot of stress from coming to terms with my depression and sexuality and I just felt that I couldn’t trust them to still be friends if I told them any of this. I live in a country town and I heard about a lot of bullying and prejudice to people who were known to be gay in school, including a close friend of mine. By year 12, it had just become too much to cope with, so I left before the end of the year and just shut myself off from the rest of the world. It was some time but I finally mustered up the courage to come out to my family. Everyone was very supportive except for my Dad, who didn't believe me because I had never been with a guy before. I tried to tell him that I didn't have to be with a guy to be sure, I just knew, but he just brushed it off and said it was a phase. It really hurt me because I had nothing but respect for him. I never brought the subject up again. As for my mum, she also has depression and we've been trying to work through it together but my sickness causes me to sometimes be aggressive and paranoid, thinking that everything she says about me is some kind of attack on me and it's driving us further and further apart. My poor brother sometimes ends up stuck between us when my mum and I argue and frankly I think he just wants to get away from the both of us as soon as he can. I don't blame him. It's been like this for some time now and I have been having thoughts about self harming and even suicide and it scares the hell out of me. I'm really stressed out and just want to scream.I'm sorry about the long rant. This is something that I've been meaning to get off my chest for a while. I don't expect any advice, I just needed someone to listen. beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

Bridge A Complicated Suicide
  • replies: 13

My name is Bridge, I have suffered from depression and anxiety from about the age of 12, culminating in a big breakdown at 29.At 29, homeless, jobless and bedraggled, I finally got help, literally hours I thought about ending my life, which I aborted... View more

My name is Bridge, I have suffered from depression and anxiety from about the age of 12, culminating in a big breakdown at 29.At 29, homeless, jobless and bedraggled, I finally got help, literally hours I thought about ending my life, which I aborted at the last minute as I just wondered if (perhaps?!) I really was suffering from depression. I decided that I should go and ask, just in case, as if I wasn't the other option would always be available. Many thanks to the teachers who taught me logical thinking skills. And many thanks also to the enlightened GP who saw me, without an appointment, having never met me before, (and after I had spat on his waiting room carpet). They saved my life that day.and while I'm at it, thanks also to my dad, who took me in and let me sleep under the table in the living room for a while, where I felt safe. That day marked the start of the rest of my life. The great rebuild. It has taken years, and I am so proud of myself for what I have achieved. 15 years on, I have a full time job I love, a partner I (usually) adore, an investment house that provides some security, and my relationships are stronger and healther. I live up in the bush now, just outside Melbourne, and I am free here. I love it. I can help other people now. I can give back. Its fantastic. so, where ia the suicide and whats so complicated, I hear you wondering?I had a friend. I met her at school when I was 6. we were best friends. We ended up at different schools, but always kept in touch. spasmodically at times, through the years. Knowing her kept me going at school when I felt no affinity to anyone, when I was the only odd person and no one else made sense. That continued through my 20s as well. She continued to make more sense, even after a long absence, than pretty much anyone else.In my late twenties, my friend met her future wife, (who I will call X) and moved in with her (yeah, we're all lesbians here). I went overseas for a year, and came home a wreck. Backpacking was great: as no one knew me, it was easier to hide my ever deepening depression. It came to light shortly after my return (and almost suicide) that I was in trouble, and I told my friend about it. Over the next few months, I got very mixed messages from them both. I would be invited to visit, and then asked to leave. Her partner was really rude to me on more than one occasion. Eventually I stopped going around, and they never came to visit. I was angry, baffled and very very hurt. But I had enough to deal with, I was fighting something that was way bigger than them. So I put the hurt and confusion into a box in the back of my mind, taped down the lid, and walked away from it. There seemed nothing I could do, so I just got on with life. And I did.roll on 14 years, and I get an email, out of the blue, from my friend. She tells me that the reason that she removed me from their lives was at her partners request, as her partner was scared by my depression and felt sure that it would end in my death and she didn't want that for herself or my friend. She then went on to say that her partner had since taken her own life, leaving her with 2 primary aged children. Wham. Since then I have caught up with my friend twice. I haven't met her kids yet. It is good to see her, and weirdly, we kind of just pick up where we left off, as we always have. It is really great to have her around in the soup of life again. Its going to take a long time to catch up, and to readjust, and I'm angry sometimes that I need to at all. But then I remind myself to make the best of what you have. so im looking forwards to the future. But X. I haven't grieved like this, ever, I think. And its so confusing. Im crying as I type this. I cant seem to make headway. Im obsessively thinking about the whole situation , over and over. I daydream about what I could have done, that day she died, if id just run into her. (would I have recognised her anyway? its been 14 years and I didn't know her that well to start with. insane stuff). I get angry with her and find myself talking to her (and shouting at her) when theres no one to hear me. "You should have recognised this! You know this would have passed! You've done this before!!". I trawl the internet looking for pictures of her, write ups about her, obituaries. She didn't even like me! She was horrible to me! Why on EARTH am I so upset??? so that's my current struggle. and it will pass. eventually. I actually feel better having written it and read it back. Im going to post it on a forum, which is something I've never done before (I usually just save things onto the hard drive and avoid them in future).so well see how that goes.Thank you for reading this far. I feel better already. Bridge

chloe990 Out of the blue, my gf of 5 years broke up with me
  • replies: 2

Sorry for the length, but I really need some support. Please...My girlfriend of 5 years broke up with me a week ago, totally out of the blue. Everything was great between us, we were always happy to see each others and had a good time. We were talkin... View more

Sorry for the length, but I really need some support. Please...My girlfriend of 5 years broke up with me a week ago, totally out of the blue. Everything was great between us, we were always happy to see each others and had a good time. We were talking about our future pretty often too. We are both 23 and were not living together yet, but I was pretty much over at her place all the time. We were supposed to move out together in a year or two. I am still in university and she finished her degree 3 months ago, now working full time. We were planning a euro-trip for this summer and everything was good. I got home one night and she broke up with me, told me she was deeply unhappy, that she saw me as her best friend and family but that she wasn't able to have those romantic feelings anymore. All of that in 5 minutes, then she left and asked me not to contact her cause she didn't want to doubt her decision. She told me if we were meant to be we would end up together but for now she wants to be alone.I'm not 100% sure that she is manic-depressive, but after reading a lot of stuff, I think that's what it is. We've been together for a long time and it's not the first time something like this happens (even tho this is the worst time). And it's almost always at the same time of the year. The first time was 2 years ago, she tried to break up but changed her mind an hour later. Then last year (also in March), she was studying abroad for almost 6 months so we were doing long distance. I went to visit her for 2 weeks and while i was there, she broke up with me but we got back together the next day. She apologized a million times for that, felt super bad, cried and told me she was so happy that I waited for her. Then now. I don't know if it's possible, but I kinda see a pattern.Also, the same reasons always come up... ''I'm not happy with myself, I am lost, I need to figure out stuff on my own, it has nothing to do with you, but I don't think we are meant to be...''. It doesn't seem to make sense for me, cause she always told me she loved me, that she wanted to have a family with me and that I was the love of her life. Even a week before the break up, she told me before falling asleep that being in my arms at night was her favorite moment of the day.After reading on the subject, all of her reactions and mood swings make so much sense. She used to sometimes scream at me in a very irrational way, for insignificant stuff (for example not getting a plate to eat a cupcake, or not noticing a red spot on her lip...). Also, she rarely wanted to go out with other people and didn't really have friends. Sometimes we would get ready to go somewhere, she seemed excited to go, but then when it was time to leave, she used to tell me to go alone cause she wasn't in the mood anymore. Her self-esteem was very low too, she used to tell me stuff like ''I don't like meeting new people 'cause I never know what to say, and they would probably think I'm boring anyway''.She's a stressed person in general. In the last year, she also gained quite a lot of weight and had unexplained pains in her stomach (she saw more than one doctor and they were not able to detect what it was). She was always tired and didn't really have motivation. She didn't like her body and we didn't have that much sex.After the holidays, she told me she was unhappy and sometimes had suicidal thoughts. Stupid me, I only cuddled with her, telling her not to think about stuff like that, thinking that it was only a phase and that it would go away on its own. I didn't do anything about it.I don't know if the fact that she lost her mother at a young age (14) could have something to do with it. She died from cancer. She used to see a therapist 1-2 times a week for a couple of years. She stopped therapy a year after we started dating, saying she was now happy. Also, the fact that she is bisexual... when we started dating she told me she felt bad and that it wasn't fair to me that she was sometimes attracted to guys, that I should deserve someone who only wants me. But I told her it didn't matter 'cause I could be attracted to other girls, too. Anyway.So now, we've been broken up for a week. She asked me not to contact her so i did not. But she texted me and called me yesterday (so 5 days after no contact), telling me it was too hard not to talk and she wanted to know how i was doing. That she would understand if i didn't answer. I did not. But I sent her an email 4 hours later, saying i was doing ok and that i was ready to support her in any possible ways. Now she wants to meet next week to talk.I really want her back cause I love her with all my heart, and I know what a great couple we can be. I would marry this girl on the spot. I also want what is best for her and I want her to get better. What should I say to her next week? Should I focus on me being there for her and leave the relationship part aside?

Joshua Not sure where to go from here?
  • replies: 5

Hello, I don't really have a lot of people in my life right now that I can talk to about this stuff, and I keep a lot of this hidden - mostly I think out of shame and anxiety (I get really nervous talking to people about personal stuff, even doctors ... View more

Hello, I don't really have a lot of people in my life right now that I can talk to about this stuff, and I keep a lot of this hidden - mostly I think out of shame and anxiety (I get really nervous talking to people about personal stuff, even doctors and people I consider as very close friends). I also hate the disappointment that comes along with letting people down.- So coming on here is attractive as I can discuss some of my concerns whilst still protected by the anonymity of the internet.Last year I had a pretty serious drug addiction to narcotics with the help of my doctor and mother I managed to kick the habit and I'm now clean, and really have no desire what so ever to go back to addiction. There's a few reasons why I think I turned to drugs, but the underlaying theme was depression (I didn't know this at the time - but it's obvious now) I've been in emotional pain for a long time, I'm gay and was bullied a lot in high school, which really effected my confidence as an adult and taught me anxiety. I also was sexually assaulted when I was in my early 20's and always felt it was own fault for putting myself in a stupid situation. I've only just begun to accept that I wasn't responsible for what happened (at age 29). I've also had problems with my body image and have suffered with bulimia on and off since a teenager. But in the past few years especially it's been building up and I guess last year it got to the point were I couldn't cope day-to-day so I engaged in reckless behaviour. To feel something other than the numbness or as escapism. I was a functioning addict, and it was very well hidden. I managed to hold down part-time professional employment (HR role) and study full-time (3rd year Architecture student).When my mother discovered my addiction and confronted me - I became very emotionally unstable and couldn't stop crying - usually I don't wear my emotions on my sleeve - I cried for the better part of 4 days. With her support I managed to complete stop abusing drugs. During this time I was having a lot of suicidal thoughts, mostly just wishing I was dead and thinking about different ways it could happen. I ended up attempting suicide and I went to hospital. But I played it down as I realised I had acted on impulse and really didn't want to die. I spoke to the pysch people and then was allowed to leave the next day. My doctor recommend that I start taking an antidepressant which I've been on for the last three months. I've been doing quiet well over this period - I generally feel pretty even (emotionally stable) I don't really have highs or lows it's just constant and I feel I am able to see things with much more clarity, and the meds really helped with my anxiety. Unfortunately the last week I've started getting pretty sad again, crying lots, and thinking about suicide again. Focusing (or fantasising ? I'm not sure what's the correct word here?)So far only my mum, and doctor know what's going here. My other friends, family, peers and coworkers were just aware that I was unwell but it was never specified with what, and people generally weren't too nosey. I moved from to Perth at the beginning of last year from Sydney, part of the reason was study related and then also I was planning on trying to turn my life around a new start etc etc. So I don't have a lot of friends here - and I really don't feel too comfortable discuss all this in a lot of detail. I actually live with my mum at the moment, but she's gone on a 4 week cruise with my grandma and aunties (this was all booked and paid for prior to me getting unwell/her known what was going on). I'm not sure if it's because I'm here alone or whether this would have happened either way - but it sucks that she's gone, and it sucks that I'm having these dark thoughts. I don't really have many places I can turn to - I'm hoping somebody online can give me some advice on how to proceed from here. I'm scared I will hurt myself again, I don't know/can't remember at what point you go from have dark thoughts to actually acting those thoughts out. Mental health scares me - there's been a history of this behaviour in my family. My cousin took his life a few years ago and my father was an addict who died of an overdose. I'm just worried that I'll go the same way.beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

Chilli621 Gay Children
  • replies: 7

I was hoping someone else may have had a similar experience to me. My son told us he was gay when he turned 21. We had know idea he was. We love our son unconditionally, but are not thrilled about the fact that he is gay. I know this is not political... View more

I was hoping someone else may have had a similar experience to me. My son told us he was gay when he turned 21. We had know idea he was. We love our son unconditionally, but are not thrilled about the fact that he is gay. I know this is not politically correct these days. I don't know why, as his parents, we feel this way. As his mother, I know I love him, but ever since this revelation I have felt a like I have a black whole in my heart. I grieve for the life I thought my son would have, for the life I thought I would have with him as he grew older, got married and had children. But more so he himself does not appear to be very happy, so it complicates the matter. I feel perhaps if he where happier, maybe I would be, I don't know. All I know is I am so tired of this awful feeling of blackness.

liraeli What to do?
  • replies: 1

Hi, Ok I don't really know how to start, sorry. For several years, going on 6, I have had issues with my mental health, particularly depression. I am only grade 12 right now, and still young. This is something my parents have been aware off, in fact ... View more

Hi, Ok I don't really know how to start, sorry. For several years, going on 6, I have had issues with my mental health, particularly depression. I am only grade 12 right now, and still young. This is something my parents have been aware off, in fact 5 years ago both them and my teacher sat down with me and discussed this topic, however they made no move to get me help. Since then things have only gotten worse, despite it being an on and off issue for me. At the end of grade ten however, I came to the realisation that I am pansexual. It took me several months to accept, but once I did my mental health improved dramatically. I didn't come out to anybody until then. My parents always said they would accept us no matter our sexuality, but since I came out to them (as bisexual; I don't think they would really understand pan, or be willing to) more and more problems began to start. My mother already had issues with me, insisting that I "hate all Christians" simply because I chose to be an atheist (I don't care about a person's religion as long as they don't use it to fuel negative behaviours and ideals-there are many good Christians). The problems were always the worst with mum. She would constantly tell me that it was just a phase, make snide comments about my sexuality, get angry at me if I so much as glanced at a female and would add in on those terrible conversations about dating boys and marrying a nice young man with 'or woman' in a disapproving tone as well as a shared "oh, she's one of them" glances with the other person (always managing to ignore me in the whole process). Really, all she wants is for me to marry a guy, settle down with a huge mortgage, 2.5 kids and a 5 seater car plus family dog. And that is all she will ever accept. Dad takes more off a passive stance (but frequently tells me that he "doesn't understand") however he will always take my mother's side. It is something I really cannot stand. I have always gotten good grades, and even complete units at university while in grade 10 and 11, so mum saw this as losing her bragging rights. I might be paranoid, but she will always talk about me and my life as if it is her achievement, and I have no part in it. By being open about who I am she's lost some of these "rights" because apparently being attracted to the same sex is shameful.From then, things worsened to the point where I had a huge breakdown in front of them. I had already been struggling and this was the last thing I wanted to happen as they always manage to make me feel ashamed of my emotions, interests and even physical appearance. In the end I told them that I wasn't coping and I just needed to get out and away from them. I really shouldn't have, and still regret doing so. Their response was to tell me how I was insulting them, that I was shoving in their face that they are failures and 'bad parents' and how I am a terrible child for doing so, after they had 'done so much' for me. Mum even said that we should take me to a psychologist, but in the next breath said that they can't if I ever wanted to go on exchange to Japan (which was a terrible excuse and we all know it. We could never afford the trip, it was a pipe dream and it was simply a cover up for their unwillingness to help. Besides what is more important, a trip we can't afford, or my mental health?) After telling them of how I couldn't cope, they would constantly guilt trip me by going on about how they couldn't cope with petty things such as having to cook (keep in mind that my brothers and I would cook practically every night, and still do). Basically they made me worse, and found every reason other than themselves to blame my issues on. There is more to come though and I am sorry that this is so long and whiny.Since then, I have come to terms with other aspects of who I am, despite feeling pretty terrible for stamping all these labels on myself that don't conform to societal standards. I am also polyamorous and genderfluid. My age also makes this difficult, as I get the feeling that people just think "You're a 16 year old girl, you could never possibly know such things about yourselves (but obviously we do)". I haven't been open with family about this, but my friends know as well as my peers at my new school about being polyamorous at least (yay starting at a new school in grade 12 that must be really great). In terms of genderfluid, only a few people know. Everybody at my school is great, and very understanding. I haven't had any form of discrimination from them which is wonderful. Being genderfluid, there are times when I love my body and feel great in it. Other times though, I can experience dysphoria because I simply do not want the body of a girl. It is changing constantly (and no I am not confused I know who and what I am) and of course when I identify as male and get the dysphoria with it, this can make things harder.On the polyamorous subject, I was dating two lovely girls for around 4 months too, of which only one was known to my parents. (we were not a triad) however about a month ago the girlfriend my parents knew of broke up with me because she decided we weren't right for each other. We are still friends, and the breakup has actually had basically no effect on my mental health. I am still with the other girlfriend and we are pretty happy together and I know that without her I wouldn't still be here. She has been helping me through the past couple weeks which have been my worst yet. I am scared though, because I don't know whether it will be enough. I still have constant issues with family, and just over a month ago our GP suggested that we all get psychological help, because out of my family of six my father and I seemed to be the ones in most need of it for depression, anxiety, stress and anger management. Of course, we never got this help (my father and youngest brother have both been to psychologists on multiple occasions though before this). Suicide is something that has crossed my minds many times in the past, and now it is something that is always on my mind. I am constantly debating it. I feel constantly sick, and even my periods are much heavier and painful, bringing crippling pains and sickness with them. I want help, that is why I am here. I know that. I also think that the best help I could get is getting away from my family. I really feel as if that is the only way that I could be helped. And talking over the phone isn't really an option - my family would hear and I don't want them to. I can't even see my friends in person anymore, and only have the chance to see my girlfriend very rarely (next weekend will be the first time in over 2 months). I know I am not alone, and many have worse problems (despite me not even talking about all of mine otherwise this would be huge and tiresome to read), but that doesn't really change how I feel.Sorry for this being so long, I just don't know what to do. beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

Re Its all hit me like a ton of bricks
  • replies: 1

There is so much going on that I don't even know where to start. I'm not looking to come here for a whine but I need somewhere because it's all building up inside me and some day I feel like I can't even breath.About 4 months ago I broke up for my ma... View more

There is so much going on that I don't even know where to start. I'm not looking to come here for a whine but I need somewhere because it's all building up inside me and some day I feel like I can't even breath.About 4 months ago I broke up for my male partner of 10 years. I did this because for 2 years before the relationship ended I knew I was gay. I was also in love with a girl from my university. The day I broke up with my boyfriend I went round to her house at around midnight. I left a letter on her doorstep explaining my feelings for her and saying that I understood she may not feel the same. But I need to tell her because it was killing me. We talk about it and the conversation was dropped somewhat. I assumed she was not interested and that was fine. I understood. Following breaking up with my boyfriend I had to find a new place to live. I found one within a week. It was cozy and quite with a lovely girl. But 2 days after I moved in she tried to commit suicide. I had to call the police and ambulance for her. It was very distressing for both of us. about 2 weeks after moving in she stated that she could not stay on the lease with me. She felt she had too much going on. So I had 1 week to find a new house. And I did. A little room in a big student share house with 10 others. much different to what I was used to. I didn't know anyone and didn't know the rules of the house. I felt very alone. In a rage one evening on my way to work I reversed my car into a concrete wall. I don''t have the money to pay for it yet. Soon after all this I decided it might be time to tell my father I was gay. I did this and he asked me to "get the **** out of my house" and come back when I "sorted myself out". I was shocked and so disappointed. He didn't call me for almost 3 weeks. Then about 5 days ago he rang me and told me he was getting a divorce. He said he couldn't do it anymore and threatened to commit suicide. So I drove out to him. He didnt end doing it, he sat and had a smoke. I left him with family nad went back to university. It was the day before Valentines and the girl I liked was still going to the same classes. She was having such a bad week so I decided to buy her some flowers and have them sent anonymously. She was so happy to get them, but it didn't take her long to figure out it was me. She asked me in a message why I had sent them. So I told her that I still had feelings for her, and that I wanted her to have a nice surprise, but that I was trying to keep out of her way because I knew she wasn't really interested in me. I have been waiting for a reply to this message for almost 2 days now. I think it was a mistake to get flowers. And I think I have ruined our friendship. I feel so lost. And I don't understand how all this could have possibly happened at once. I have never had drama in my life. I wasn't ever expecting to be gay, but it just happened and now I don't know how to handle everything that has happened.I don't expect answers. Just a friendly ear.

Athryn I wish I wasn't gay
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I've been out of the closet for the last decade and I wish now that I never did. I'm so sick and tired of being treated differently. You wouldn't think it would happen often but it does quite regularly. Maybe it's due to the fact that I don't have ma... View more

I've been out of the closet for the last decade and I wish now that I never did. I'm so sick and tired of being treated differently. You wouldn't think it would happen often but it does quite regularly. Maybe it's due to the fact that I don't have many other gay people in my life except for my partner. All of my friends are straight as are the people I work with. My sexuality is brought up in conversation regularly or they will ask for my opinion about relationships or sex and frankly I'm tired of being different. Don't get me wrong it's never a case of bullying or anything. I just would prefer to be the same as everyone else. I guess it all came to a head the other night at a buck's party. We ended up at a strip club and they wouldn't leave me alone asking what I thought or if I was turned on by the ladies. God I'm telling you now, I wish I was. At least then I could just be the same as everyone else and not have to put up with all the constant questions and innuendo. Needless to say, I don't think I'll be going back to a strip club any time soon.

amy5678 So confused - previous sufferer of severe depression - old symptoms re-appearing. Please help.
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Hi, I'm not really sure where this should be posted but this seemed like the most relevant category. In 2009 I was diagnosed with severe depression, I had suffered from most of the symptoms that I described to my psychologist for most of my life grow... View more

Hi, I'm not really sure where this should be posted but this seemed like the most relevant category. In 2009 I was diagnosed with severe depression, I had suffered from most of the symptoms that I described to my psychologist for most of my life growing up before that, but ended up seeking help because of encouragement by the supportive people in my life after I started self-harming and experiencing suicidal episodes. This happened around the same time I realised I was a lesbian, but I don't think the two are that related, because I grew up in an environment very accepting of that and it was never a big problem with the people I cared about. I kept seeing the psychologist over the course of about three years, I believe the last time was in 2012. Despite going, I don't feel I was totally honest with my psychologist and my doctor about the things I was experiencing, for the most part. I told them about the self-harm, and the suicidal feelings, the emptiness and exhaustion and hopelessness and self-loathing on a superficial level (general concerns about my appearance and things) but I didn't tell them about the delusions/other symptoms I was having until very near the end of my treatment because I was so wrapped up in them that they prevented me from doing so.I became convinced that I was in some way evil incarnate - it sounds so ridiculous to say but it really scared me at the time. I felt like I was tainting the world by existing, and I don't mean these things in the metaphorical sense, I really believed them. I felt like the reason I had to self-harm and plan my death was that in some way I doomed everyone around me by being in their lives. This only got worse once I sought help because I thought by needing my friends' and family's support, love, and energy that I was draining them like a parasite, and the feeling only strengthened. I also suffer from a chronic physical illness that caused constant intense physical pain and has been very expensive to maintain, which both further increased my feeling of draining the resources of people around me, and drove me to start drinking heavily & using drugs (nothing too serious) at a young age. This feeling of being a burden drove me into a weird cycle where I felt like I couldn't suffer because it would make the people who cared about me suffer - but the fact that I was so awful so as to cause that meant I DESERVED to suffer - because I was evil incarnate. This started to cause some very strange symptoms in me after a while - that I was told by my psychologist could have been symptoms of OCD or some kind of anxiety disorder, but I refused to go into it because of the above thought processes. I started to feel like I had to do things to protect the world from myself - or to keep the truth a secret. Whenever I sent a message or an email I had to read it over and over to make sure I hadn't revealed something incriminating about myself or verbally abused the recipient without realising - behind my own back. I developed strange superstitions - like when I turned my bedside lamp off before bed I had to stare unblinking at the glowing wire inside until the last light had disappeared - otherwise the evil side of me would take over in my sleep. If I blinked I had to turn the lamp on and off and do it again. I randomly fixated on particular objects - rubbish on the floor or my phone or a pencil on a table, and I had to move them because they didn't seem "right" to me and I had to make them "right" to make up for all the disturbances I had caused in the world. If I couldn't get it "right" then I had to hurt myself to make up for it.I don't know how I came out - or seemed to come out of this cycle. I went through a period of complete and utter exhaustion and emptiness in 2012, and when that was over, I guess a sense of normality kind of returned. I didn't feel the urge to hurt myself, or to kill myself. I didn't feel intensely sad or hopeless, I didn't feel like I despised myself anymore, I didn't think I was evil. But I guess that idea always kind of stayed with me - because even though I could go back to school, and enjoy things, and work hard and get good grades and so on, I guess I had this conviction in the back of my mind that I was trying to "outrun" that side of me by being normal, but it seemed so harmless to my day to day life in comparison to what I had been suffering from that I didn't really think of it as a big deal. I knew then that the things I had believed were ridiculous, but I still didn't entirely forget them.Recently I've been getting some of the weird behaviours back - I have times where I feel like I have to move things or read things I've written over and over. Sometimes in social situations I'll avoid being around people - not because I'm worried they won't like me, but because I'm worried that I'll ruin what they're doing for them with my mere presence. I don't feel depressed, I'm not losing my ability to function or work or interact, but it's starting to scare me a little. It feels like all my old symptoms are getting jumbled up together and slowly coming back one by one and I'm scared which one will be next. I was never diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder or any of the other things I have been told could explain my symptoms - and even though I'm not in any HUGE danger at the moment - I'm wondering if it might be a good idea to seek out professional help to try and help me understand what I WAS going through back then, so maybe I can stop it this time.I'm sorry this was so long - it's just a really big complex mess of a mental health history I'm hoping it will be easier to understand with all the pieces to the puzzle (or all the ones I can talk about).Can anybody help me? Does anyone have any advice or has been through something similar?