My name is Bridge, I have suffered from depression and anxiety from
about the age of 12, culminating in a big breakdown at 29.At 29,
homeless, jobless and bedraggled, I finally got help, literally hours I
thought about ending my life, which I aborted...
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My name is Bridge, I have suffered from depression and anxiety from
about the age of 12, culminating in a big breakdown at 29.At 29,
homeless, jobless and bedraggled, I finally got help, literally hours I
thought about ending my life, which I aborted at the last minute as I
just wondered if (perhaps?!) I really was suffering from depression. I
decided that I should go and ask, just in case, as if I wasn't the other
option would always be available. Many thanks to the teachers who taught
me logical thinking skills. And many thanks also to the enlightened GP
who saw me, without an appointment, having never met me before, (and
after I had spat on his waiting room carpet). They saved my life that
day.and while I'm at it, thanks also to my dad, who took me in and let
me sleep under the table in the living room for a while, where I felt
safe. That day marked the start of the rest of my life. The great
rebuild. It has taken years, and I am so proud of myself for what I have
achieved. 15 years on, I have a full time job I love, a partner I
(usually) adore, an investment house that provides some security, and my
relationships are stronger and healther. I live up in the bush now, just
outside Melbourne, and I am free here. I love it. I can help other
people now. I can give back. Its fantastic. so, where ia the suicide and
whats so complicated, I hear you wondering?I had a friend. I met her at
school when I was 6. we were best friends. We ended up at different
schools, but always kept in touch. spasmodically at times, through the
years. Knowing her kept me going at school when I felt no affinity to
anyone, when I was the only odd person and no one else made sense. That
continued through my 20s as well. She continued to make more sense, even
after a long absence, than pretty much anyone else.In my late twenties,
my friend met her future wife, (who I will call X) and moved in with her
(yeah, we're all lesbians here). I went overseas for a year, and came
home a wreck. Backpacking was great: as no one knew me, it was easier to
hide my ever deepening depression. It came to light shortly after my
return (and almost suicide) that I was in trouble, and I told my friend
about it. Over the next few months, I got very mixed messages from them
both. I would be invited to visit, and then asked to leave. Her partner
was really rude to me on more than one occasion. Eventually I stopped
going around, and they never came to visit. I was angry, baffled and
very very hurt. But I had enough to deal with, I was fighting something
that was way bigger than them. So I put the hurt and confusion into a
box in the back of my mind, taped down the lid, and walked away from it.
There seemed nothing I could do, so I just got on with life. And I
did.roll on 14 years, and I get an email, out of the blue, from my
friend. She tells me that the reason that she removed me from their
lives was at her partners request, as her partner was scared by my
depression and felt sure that it would end in my death and she didn't
want that for herself or my friend. She then went on to say that her
partner had since taken her own life, leaving her with 2 primary aged
children. Wham. Since then I have caught up with my friend twice. I
haven't met her kids yet. It is good to see her, and weirdly, we kind of
just pick up where we left off, as we always have. It is really great to
have her around in the soup of life again. Its going to take a long time
to catch up, and to readjust, and I'm angry sometimes that I need to at
all. But then I remind myself to make the best of what you have. so im
looking forwards to the future. But X. I haven't grieved like this,
ever, I think. And its so confusing. Im crying as I type this. I cant
seem to make headway. Im obsessively thinking about the whole situation
, over and over. I daydream about what I could have done, that day she
died, if id just run into her. (would I have recognised her anyway? its
been 14 years and I didn't know her that well to start with. insane
stuff). I get angry with her and find myself talking to her (and
shouting at her) when theres no one to hear me. "You should have
recognised this! You know this would have passed! You've done this
before!!". I trawl the internet looking for pictures of her, write ups
about her, obituaries. She didn't even like me! She was horrible to me!
Why on EARTH am I so upset??? so that's my current struggle. and it will
pass. eventually. I actually feel better having written it and read it
back. Im going to post it on a forum, which is something I've never done
before (I usually just save things onto the hard drive and avoid them in
future).so well see how that goes.Thank you for reading this far. I feel
better already. Bridge
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