Relationship break up , 5 yrs , 59 , feels hopeless.

[randomxx]

Hi to anyone that might drop in , it's rx here l just had to rejoin.

A few might remember my ongoing thread about gf and her situation, us and the rest. Sadly though, we've broken up after all that.

l'm 59 now, just feels hopeless. lt's not that l don't get interest it's just the thought of starting over sometime later on down the track now, again, meeting that right person, it's about that person, not any interest or 2 dozen others, it's that one that feels so hopeless and if even ever at all will probably be yrs away from now, and l'll feel like it even less.

Ya just can't help thinking about it even though it's of course not the time right now for sure, know that.

As in my other thread, we were up and down , she had huge problems when we met, visas' and court cases and mh and health, she was all over the place. That's why l held back with her and us, 5 yrs but l still supported her with all l had right through it all though. All that had finally finished 3yrs in but she was still all over the place, l felt l could never trust it or her true self.

Together she was loving and supportive and affectionate and just a real partner tbh . But we were still long distance again due to her situation and so whenever she was home again or l wasn't up at hers, she'd just change again.

She'd be all negative and her health would go to shit again, talking bad stuff about us, saying she was too sick now to have a relationship, must've went through all that 20 times with her in 5yrs.

Truth was together, she was not only just beautiful mostly , but also fitter than any girl her age l ever knew soon as she was back up home alone though it'd all just start again.

There's no talking or reasoning, even though she use to preach positivity herself, the negativity just pours out all over again, even if we'd just had a beautiful 3 or 4wks together.

Dealing with that 5yrs plus all her earlier dramas , l just couldn't trust anything to do with us, but l hoped in time or once we were together full time, that'd all just go as it was when we were together. But then l'd think how would l know that was real just bc we were together properly at last, if she was going home again she'd just blurt out all the same old stuff.

Anyway, it started again after our last visit, her health her stress , she can't be in a relationship, l've had enough.

ldk, l was divorced 10yrs ago, laid low 5yrs, but she was the only one l'd met that just fitted, but then there was the rest of it. l could see a life with her though if it all sorted out and so l persisted.

l knew it was a gamble though, damn it.

rx

[randomxx]

Another of that internal nagging feeling , if not internal actually real and every second minute there's some family thing, againnnnnn. We've gotta do this gotta go there , they're coming we're going.

Ex w family stuff was just relentless, it never ended. l use to think here l am after 20yrs and l end up spending every second wkend with some family sadly l can not stand. They'd come up to ours stay all damn day when we were interstate they'd stay for wks.  Every Christmas was riddled with family guilt on her side.

We'd have the most beautiful christmas if we just stayed home and did us, bst days ever. But we'd have to drive 3hrs to theirs l'd sit around in absolute torture all day then drive 3hrs home again.

You see, friends, families, that's all life stuff too but gf and l , ours, there was none of that. loved her son she loved my d and there was just a peace. Her mum would call every wk or two from back home, we'd often have a chat liked her mum.

Or if we were at mine my d would often come places or just be over zero drama or my brother would drop in they got along very very comfortably just all so easy and just us.

Never any people pressures anywhere just a total peace bc apart from her son or my d, neither of us were even into anything else same with people in general or friends. She liked anyone l knew anyway same with her side.

So hard to find all that even just alone but on top of everything else in life our stuff combined was just so rare - ha, apart from music and movies and in other languages.

Just dread the thought of maybe one day having to deal with a whole new situation and people and family and friends pressures. None on my side but l know most women usually come with a whole truckload of that stuff and it can be a damn nightmare lived it 22 yrs.

Ha, maybe knowing the odds l just forget women from here right. Cut a long story short.

[TheFarSide]

Sorry - been awhile - not as easy for me to drop in - home life is just a rollercoaster... My fault really coz I'm still here and I do know better...

Re your comment above RX please note this is my opinion only which may or may not be a popular opinion.

Extended family sometimes can play a great deal in the success or failure of a couple.   To me a couple needs their time together away from others (including actual and step children) to build a trusted bond, to enjoy the physical and to build strength in the union.   

Thats not saying you ignore others around you or shed necessary responsibilities - but make time where possible to be alone together - the so called 'date night'.

I am also making the assumption that neither you nor your spouse have any issues in sharing in general. 

That said inevitably the broader family stuff has to be embraced - sometimes this can be daunting, but you can only be what and who you are...

While there is dred in the unknown the pay off is in the warmth you may have together as a couple.   With my BPD Wife I don't attend every function - there's just no need to and benefit in not.  I certainly have attended the important one and the ones she says she wants me there - other times she goes alone and that provides some me time as well.

Some parts of life seem to me to be easier when you get older - some parts of life seem to take on new challenges ... like 'starting again'... As I've said before we only have one life - be a shame to waste it in ways that aren't making us happy. 

[randomxx]

Thx for that fs always nice to see you and hear your thoughts but no worries at all l know you have your situation atm. Have been thinking about you along the way and hoping your ok. l guess that's pretty well what l've rambled about to in my Dyslexic kinda way , l've known better too hence not knowing whether to kick myself about this 5yrs lost , quit along the way , or be grateful for the goods and specials through it.

l'm really sorry to hear about the roller coaster though but cut yourself some slack eh, your a very special man my friend that's pretty obvious and one that doesn't just give up and just walk away so easily. lf it does come to that you'll need to be 110% about it and l do get it unfortunately for me being very similar myself. You never know, maybe there are reasons just unseen as yet eh,or paths that lead to paths, something l'm secretly hoping for myself too actually.

One of the ways for us l loved was that we were both kinda loners family wise, friends to really. She can be on her own mths, doesn't worry her and l'm much the same regards people in general or even family apart from my d and gf of course and same for her us and her son. 

My families 3hrs away l only see one or two of them her mums across the world her sons in Japan so we've always fitted so well like that with just ease and treasured our us time. life for us was mostly our us and our little world. l got her special place though for her son of course and her for me and my d but apart from those we were both fairly introverted and tbh, tired easily of others, just didn't need it, loved all that about us.

Never any of that constant inner nagging with us where as ex w on the other hand always had to be around people and if she wasn't she'd be on the ph to them all every night for hrs and hrs, my d has all the same annoyances with her and the family always so in your face hates it, comes over here.

l mean there's nothing wrong with it people are people it's all different and outside family, friends, could be a beautiful thing if it all fits but odds are usually pretty slim of that one in marriage though it seems. End of the day we just need our personal fit though whatever that may be that's all and l loved gf's and mine, especially with our kids.

You take care man and be good to yourself .

rx

[TheFarSide]

One of the real ongoing issues I see too often here at home centers around how wife treats her Favorite Person versus someone outside that bubble.   

At the moment we have her eldest daughter staying with us.  I don't have issues per say with Daughter being here, but it has shifted the dynamic between wife and I a lot.  Daughter is an adult but grew up with a BPD mum and with monkey see monkey do being the life lessons taught.

The short of it is where there was time alone together (which really also helped with balancing the BPD) now I've been cast aside, and all attention seems to focus on the daughter. 

I've even asked for time for us alone to be part of the equation somewhere - I'm not unrealistic - we all have stuff to do - I'm not suggesting we spend every moment together - it's just now there's next to none.  

The question I posed about 'when can get together' (not for sex) but just to spend time together was met with an aggressive position and 1/2 a dozen subject changes designed to deflect and avoid responsibility

As I'm now no longer inside the favorite person bubble I am treated to no touch, silence, blame shift (when there is talking) and a host of other changes. 

I take on bord RX to not take the blame and be easy on myself, but I am here still so it's only myself to blame for allowing myself to be on this journey.

I'm not sure why this particular disorder chooses the chaotic behaviors it does - nothing really makes any form of logical sense (but maybe its not that surprising given its an emotional disorder).

Like you RX I do feel the age and time in life stuff - starting again seems almost as hard as leaving.  Perhaps not the greatest viewpoint to have.

[randomxx]

Hi thee my friend just finished all this stuff outside terrible day thought wth am l doing l'm going in , few reds , relax and some pc time from here, makes a bit more sense doesn't.

The warmth is something l surely miss so much, especially her touch. Never met a woman held or touches in her way , or one just so so warm in care and spirit and supportiveness especially when chips were down, the affection, she was incredible like that, it was kinda like her area. Another thing really disappoints me me now and any future bc as pain in the arse as she could also be, l also know from experience no one will have the sort of ways she had in other areas and l sadly pretty well expect some massive step down tbh.

She us were pretty balanced with her son or my d about or anyone else, never was there that shift you talk about not even around other women but it is pretty common actually with some l hate that stuff and l feel really bad for you. The fact her d is older too might sway to more to the girl code thing which sorry to say just makes it even worse when it becomes a them thing and your out of flavor, just not right if they do have those tendencies.

ln a different way but similar thing my ex has that or should l say creates it a bit with my d and they have their secrets from me when it suits, some have been huge too where the father should've been involved. My d isn't really that way which really grates me even more bc it's ex sort of teaching her that it's ok,

For you , it's so important that a couple also keep and show themselves in times like that and kids are fine with that too if it is, even admire it. But as you say l guess by this stage sadly yeah it's monkey see monkey do, so sorry man it's the last thing you two need right now.

My d admittedly was also trying to protect me to with some things back when and she was just in the sandwich and too young to know more sooo, as l say it's a different thing buttttt.

As much as l mention all this stuff about gf , her mh also usually wound up ruling the roost too none the less, just as it is yet again right now and put us where it has once again. 3/4 of this thread is all about her and her ups and downs, l've always known that kind of imbalance was something wrong. But sadly same with your w too l know you know. They say a bpd partner usually ends up on the couch before the actual bpd person themselves and ldk my friend , but you have to know it's not all you and kind of hold onto that self assurance for your own sake.

[TheFarSide]

I am lucky that I do possess a strong inner core and self-belief - I know I'm a good person etc.   

I also know my values are good.   I don't seek to behave in ways that would hurt others.

My self-love though has taken on more than it should though.

This is the grey area of me being tolerant of the wrong behaviors in a marriage.

Really, having recognized all the unhealthy things that go on between us - I should be escaping.

For my wife and others, I can acknowledge mental health being an issue for sure.   

But it also seems so common to these days - almost like its become the key excuse in a lot of instances. 

Feels like the days of basic courtesy and respect have somewhat left the world.

[randomxx]

Yeah, know what you mean. l blame the internet influences and the fb's and that good old block button, mentalities out there these days and the disinfo left and right that so many seem to just take as Gospel. A person really has to know who they are these days to stand up to it all but so many seem so easily lead even at our ages. All the labels excuses and MH stuff all over it and so easily splattered around just all add to it all to on top of the rest.

Anyway that's great to hear and l can see it but l also know what you mean and l've had to deal with it in gf too just not on your w's kinda scale though thk God.

But she can have very very black and white views with some passive aggressiveness thrown in but kinda under the table while she;s at it too with her though that's l've thought right through more so just one of her personality traits more than any MH thing.

Sadly as you know though bpd is a whole nother animal .

l dunno about the line man, the tolerance, it such a tough one, especially when it's just not in our jeans to want things turning ugly but on the other hand they almost thrive on it from my experience back in the day. Personally though, l know they're virtually impossible to reason or fight with or to even have a win at all with when it comes to that anyway but, l use to feel taking it just lost respect and she'd eventually get even worse, even threw it in my face.

l think l read back when something like one of the most effective was to just leave the room.

[randomxx]

We've talked a bit again last few days. Her sons visiting from os plus she's of the charts with exam prep stress for next wk. l was surprised she was even talking but it was nice to hear of her son visiting for her.

l refuse to call this friends now, l refuse to go from us to friends, so l don't know what to do with this chit chat stuff. Although we have been helping ea other through as well with other things going on for us both and all this but for me if this is the way it's going to be l need to back away and start excepting it for my own good and future. Bc it;s just feeling like more limbo like this now otherwise.

On another note saw servo girl today doesn't look like she's left after all. She had her hair up though couldn't believe how different she looked in the face and l wasn't feeling all that attracted to her at all tbh - probably a good thing anyway right now.

[randomxx]

l'm gonna back off all this chit chat stuff. lt is true what they say and that it does mess with you a lot.

Messes with your emotional stability and mental state in just where your at now and with any direction, messes with progress it's like one forward 2 back.

lt's keeping me in this kinda limbo midway between we are and we aren't .

Our other offs were not really set but this now, it just feels and looks like it really is just done and if that is the real case then l really need to find my steady place again and some direction emotionally.

The other thing is l've also been reflecting a lot on things too and even best case scenario even if we were still at it there'd still be the Sydney Vic thing, that's big stuff long term. There'd still her MH and on offs, still be her telling me one thing one day next the complete opposite. l mean she's been like that since we met so it's not going anywhere that is for sure and it just jerks you around none stop and often concerning very big circumstances at times too. Like moving not moving she'll do this next she won't, l should this so l do next minute it's why did l do that, it's just ridiculous yet just brushed of as if it;s nothing. The list could be a mile long with that stuff.

lf we are doing this then l don't think l even want to go back to all that rubbish now anyway l've just put up with enough of it and it's just bs.

lf there is someone in my life then l need some stability in thinking and plans , trust !

l need this time atm if this is how it is going to be, to just find my center again, get myself straight again. l can't do that when we're still talking every few days.

[CMF]

I agree rx. It is the only way to move on.