Relationship break up , 5 yrs , 59 , feels hopeless.

[randomxx]

Hi to anyone that might drop in , it's rx here l just had to rejoin.

A few might remember my ongoing thread about gf and her situation, us and the rest. Sadly though, we've broken up after all that.

l'm 59 now, just feels hopeless. lt's not that l don't get interest it's just the thought of starting over sometime later on down the track now, again, meeting that right person, it's about that person, not any interest or 2 dozen others, it's that one that feels so hopeless and if even ever at all will probably be yrs away from now, and l'll feel like it even less.

Ya just can't help thinking about it even though it's of course not the time right now for sure, know that.

As in my other thread, we were up and down , she had huge problems when we met, visas' and court cases and mh and health, she was all over the place. That's why l held back with her and us, 5 yrs but l still supported her with all l had right through it all though. All that had finally finished 3yrs in but she was still all over the place, l felt l could never trust it or her true self.

Together she was loving and supportive and affectionate and just a real partner tbh . But we were still long distance again due to her situation and so whenever she was home again or l wasn't up at hers, she'd just change again.

She'd be all negative and her health would go to shit again, talking bad stuff about us, saying she was too sick now to have a relationship, must've went through all that 20 times with her in 5yrs.

Truth was together, she was not only just beautiful mostly , but also fitter than any girl her age l ever knew soon as she was back up home alone though it'd all just start again.

There's no talking or reasoning, even though she use to preach positivity herself, the negativity just pours out all over again, even if we'd just had a beautiful 3 or 4wks together.

Dealing with that 5yrs plus all her earlier dramas , l just couldn't trust anything to do with us, but l hoped in time or once we were together full time, that'd all just go as it was when we were together. But then l'd think how would l know that was real just bc we were together properly at last, if she was going home again she'd just blurt out all the same old stuff.

Anyway, it started again after our last visit, her health her stress , she can't be in a relationship, l've had enough.

ldk, l was divorced 10yrs ago, laid low 5yrs, but she was the only one l'd met that just fitted, but then there was the rest of it. l could see a life with her though if it all sorted out and so l persisted.

l knew it was a gamble though, damn it.

rx

[CMF]

You ok my friend?

[randomxx]

Ah thx for that cm.

Yep ok here not much to report though.

We have spoken a few times last few wks just about what's been going on ea end and stuff though, nothing much else.

Tbh it has kind of helped things a little though and l think for her too. ldk, l think of it as a kind of weening off thing rather than the sudden shock of us one day on and the next just boom , totally nothing. 

Mind you , does hurt a little too though bc we're both just still there, just us , just the same, l know she's been feeling it too.

But l'm resigned and just going on with my plans apart from that.

How are you doin ?

[CMF]

Hi my friend,

I understand about the weening off. I'm glad you are sounding a bit better,  even though it is still difficult. 

I'm ok, not sure if you saw my thread, that he tried to make contact. 

I have a card reading tonight.  Will be interesting. 

[randomxx]

Hey my friend and thx again, good to hear your doing ok. But really , l must go have a read.

Yeah l dunno if it's all that greater idea well it's just happened like that really but her wise though, it's a bit like l've talked about earlier. l can see it's hurting and her emotional tug of war going on when we do talk but yet still, she thinks this is how it has to be. Most people wouldn't force themselves to walk away with such feelings, they'd give eye teeth to even find it.

She has a bit of a history though and it always scared me and now this time it's us, yaknow.

[randomxx]

Bit of a relapse, regardless, really missing her and us atm , not happy.

[CMF]

I'm sorry you're not feeling too food. It can take a few months to start to feel better.

[randomxx]

Thx for that cm, big hugs.

l really can't even imagine down the road tbh. lf anyone had told me l'd be in this potion now , 30yrs ago, well.

You know what , how do you feel yaknow , same period, 5yrs and some?

lf l'd have known this would be the outcome, or for you yours, would you have still done it ?

Sill question l suppose but l just don't know how to feel.Glad l at least lived the times we did, knew the classic and very special person she is even if she is also a pain in the bum.

All this time and now this, l just don't know how to feel about it. Not to mention the future from here now.

Could l even be bothered with anyone else, not mention even bothering to meet someone new , these yrs now lost , ldk , all of it.

[randomxx]

Thx cm yeah , not wrong. ldk how l'll end up feeling about things in the end, 6-12mths, maybe longer. like should've we could've we , yaknow- or maybe not, just can't feel anything much atm in it all or the future.

she's been messaging last few days, nothin much just chatter and her stressors, and my end too.lt's not all about her she always asks everything about my end and me , especially any injuries or hurts.

l get a few strains and things at work , always something, or mh or life in general, she's such a caring bugger never forgets a thing even if it's been wks or something from mths ago.

Anyway , not much happening just a bit of light chatter and then it's back to nothing for a wk or two , grain of salt.

Servo girls disappeared, knew something was going on , think she's left. Not that it matters l'd already decided to leave it be , was nice having her round though.

[randomxx]

tHINK l id a bit of a double post there bc the 1st one disappeared but then showed up later.

Anyway, times going that damn fast , even with this bloody awful weather we've been having. God almighty wth is going on with this weather. l don't usually work in this kind of stuff but l've had to this yr and been out there in it everyday, God it's depressing.

We talked a bit last night, she's different this time. There's usually regrets and flipping long ago but this time her at least, she's sounding resigned . Complaining about her health a lot too, it sounds worse .

Still just can't help but make me wonder what ifs, what if l did commit , pulled the pin and just went for it , back when, would she still have turned around 5yrs later, ya see, this is what l was always worried me deep down from day we met. lt was not only her situation and some of her ways, but it was intuition calling out too that l just could not shake and so could not just go for it- and here we are.

ldk whether that's good or bad.

But one thing really hits me whenever we talk now , the other same thing only opposite , that kept me hanging in there all this time, well apart from other obvious things between two people..

But our lifestyles and the way we both just like to live. lt's all still there just the same and future wise for me now all that really scares me. bc l know how different it is yet l know too how at peace we just were just doing our thing the ways we just did, just so damn rare. There's usually so much obligation and silent naggings, pressures, in a marriage or relationships . You always know the other wants to do this or is at you about doing that, and if she isn';t it;s still going on inside or she's complaining to a friend somewhere or ha, in some forum, even read any couple thread even round here and you'll see it . Very rare a couple like the same people same lifestyle, same things, and just love living just all the same.

With us there was none of that, just peace. Well , apart from she wanted to go see this damn Abba band new yrs eve, l mean Abba, can't do it. l'll need a bag over my head to even walk through he door ha ha. Our music and movies were very very different . For a whole wk before l was stressed about going to this bloody Abba pub, holy smoke your kidding me, l can';t do it. l'll do most things for ya but an abba band, wth. Ha, luckily she got sick new yrs eve , can you believe it, and we didn;'t have to go after all that, a whole wk of dread, ahhhhh. l could not believe my luck.

So we weren't all 100% , movies and music resemble the person so it is a big thing. Like ex w and l , loved the same music movies same tastes in everything but music actually got us together , couldn't even describe our first yr or two and our times with music.

None of that with gf though ha ha, no hope. Sort of funny in a way but even driving, sometimes she'd put something on we're driving along and l'd be thinking wth , l'm driving along with this, somethings really wrong with this picture. Not to mention the songs were often in her language to boot. Their movies were pretty good though must admit, they made classic movies and shows. She'd never even heard my music , she actually liked it funny, even though she couldn't understand most of it . But a lot of it too was a bit much for her for sure.

Anyway, so we weren't perfect and very very different in some big ways for sure, but the way we lived, was a huge thing though too, huge.  And that, l just don;t know how l'd ever come across that again now in someone else , new , sometime later. Tell you l know people and it's all out there anyway right in front of you even if you don't to see right there and hear about. Yeah you never know what goes on behind closed doors but there's theme none the less on average and someone else to live the way we live, with everything else aligned too , lotto would be easier.

All that really scares me from here,the future. Crazy l suppose, don't bloody worry about it right, what will be will be and cards will fall where they may right. Ha, easier said than done.

lt's even scarier that l still can't feel it. l usually feel things even yrs in advance but right now l can't feel anyone.

[randomxx]

l think what l was feeling earlier , must of been servo girl bc that's past now and there ya go , she came to nothing anyway.

ldk , l couldn't even handle anything new right now anyway don't get me wrong , that's why l let that go. l'm not one of these people that could just go straight into something else. Although with the way we'd been so on off all this time plus apart most of the time anyway, it is a bit different butttt.

l'm still talking yrs, the future, not right now or anytime soon. Never the less though, l do can't help but think about that stuff bc the way we lived at this age l know would be so hard to find again, but l';d want that peace again if there ever was anyone else.

Silly even worrying about it l know, at this stage in life though it just worries me now given things haven't worked out with us.