Break Up and Moving across state.

[Tea]

Hi, my partner and I just split up. Mentally I just couldn't stay in the relationship any longer. He was drinking more and becoming possessive. If I left the house I would be questioned and called constantly. I go to woolies and a small 5min duck in duck out would end up taking half an hr because id be stuck on the phone explaining why I needed to get milk and if id spoken to anyone. My family would call and he would beg me not to answer and if I did he would get mad and upset, saying all I do is talk to them when I should be spending quality time with him. When he was literally just sitting there on his phone while I was trying to get his attention to do something. The list goes on...I feel mentally crushed. I loved this man so much but as time went on in the relationship and things got worse my mental health started to decline. Ive lost most of my friends and feel extremely isolated. My anxiety levels have gone up as well as my depression. Life feels heavy. Ive moved away trying to start a fresh life but I can't stopping think I should stayed and worked on the relationship. He blames me for absolutely everything. 

[indigo22]

Hello Tea,

Welcome and thank you for reaching out to us.

I went through a similar experience many years ago so I am able to empathise with your situation. I even had to ask for some money to do some shopping because he controlled all of the money we both earned.

It is never easy to make the decision to leave and I think it is quite normal to question your decision at times.

I have been dealing with depression since my early teens and when I left my marriage, the depression got worse too. It will take some time, it is a grieving period you go through, because you have lost a big part of what you thought was your future and feel lost.

The behaviours you have described are narcissistic in nature and would have continued to get worse if you stayed. The narcissist wants to control you, who you see, who you speak to and will do their best to come between you and your friends and family until you are completely isolated. You are not to blame for his behaviour or his drinking, those things are on him. Please know that you made the right decision in leaving, none of us were born to be controlled and manipulated by anyone.

Have you spoken with your GP about how you are feeling? It would be beneficial if you were able to speak to a counsellor whilst you are going through this early stage of separation.

If you are comfortable, I am happy to support you in whatever way I can, you are not alone here.

Please take good care of yourself,

indigo

[Croix]

Dear Tea~

I would like to join Indigo in welcoming you to the forum. I can only echo what Indigo has said and respect you for the resourcefulness and inner strength to separate. You would be surprised how many cannot - sometimes because of how they feel, sometimes circumstances, sometimes lack of support.

It is not surprising you wonder if you should have stayed and 'worked on the relationship'.

However instead of having a true partner who respects you and your wishes, trusts you and wants the best for you including friends and famiy you have a master at 'pushing your buttons' and controlling you every minute of your life. Do oyu really think it would be any different?

It is an indication of how effective his efforts at control have been that you even think of going back - implying the shortfalls in the relationship were your fault. That is course is rubbish! Unfortunately it can take a long time for the effects of the relationship to wear off. There are always memories of the  early 'good times' to lure you back - even though they were an act and do no longer exist.

Please try to rebuild your life regaining family and friends as you had before, it was his actions, not yours,  that made you lose them.

I would suggest, as Indigo mentioned, that if you can afford it counseling may well help, I'd suggest Relationships Tasmania post separation services (1300 364 277) if they have an office near you, if not they may know of someone closer.

I also hope you have someone to support you and care. You wil always be welcome here.

Croix