Relationship break up , 5 yrs , 59 , feels hopeless.

[randomxx]

Hi to anyone that might drop in , it's rx here l just had to rejoin.

A few might remember my ongoing thread about gf and her situation, us and the rest. Sadly though, we've broken up after all that.

l'm 59 now, just feels hopeless. lt's not that l don't get interest it's just the thought of starting over sometime later on down the track now, again, meeting that right person, it's about that person, not any interest or 2 dozen others, it's that one that feels so hopeless and if even ever at all will probably be yrs away from now, and l'll feel like it even less.

Ya just can't help thinking about it even though it's of course not the time right now for sure, know that.

As in my other thread, we were up and down , she had huge problems when we met, visas' and court cases and mh and health, she was all over the place. That's why l held back with her and us, 5 yrs but l still supported her with all l had right through it all though. All that had finally finished 3yrs in but she was still all over the place, l felt l could never trust it or her true self.

Together she was loving and supportive and affectionate and just a real partner tbh . But we were still long distance again due to her situation and so whenever she was home again or l wasn't up at hers, she'd just change again.

She'd be all negative and her health would go to shit again, talking bad stuff about us, saying she was too sick now to have a relationship, must've went through all that 20 times with her in 5yrs.

Truth was together, she was not only just beautiful mostly , but also fitter than any girl her age l ever knew soon as she was back up home alone though it'd all just start again.

There's no talking or reasoning, even though she use to preach positivity herself, the negativity just pours out all over again, even if we'd just had a beautiful 3 or 4wks together.

Dealing with that 5yrs plus all her earlier dramas , l just couldn't trust anything to do with us, but l hoped in time or once we were together full time, that'd all just go as it was when we were together. But then l'd think how would l know that was real just bc we were together properly at last, if she was going home again she'd just blurt out all the same old stuff.

Anyway, it started again after our last visit, her health her stress , she can't be in a relationship, l've had enough.

ldk, l was divorced 10yrs ago, laid low 5yrs, but she was the only one l'd met that just fitted, but then there was the rest of it. l could see a life with her though if it all sorted out and so l persisted.

l knew it was a gamble though, damn it.

rx

[randomxx]

How's your situation going fs, l've dropped into your thread a few times ? Mind you l realize your at serious crossroads in it all right now but.

ls she Australian or, sounds like a bit of a hard case, was. At her age l din't realize their even was any bboy stuff back in her vintage or even the term as such bc most of all that garbage, all the labels just seems to be more US rubbish spreading through internet these days. Tell ya what man single people over there are so damn messed up now from all their crap just read through a few of their forums. But , then again it's been no secret wild half crazy women are often vg in the sack sooo, many a guy has gotten trapped into that one l spose.

Never in my life though has any woman l'd ever been interested talked bad boy shyt. They've been decent women that want decent men , as has been to, very much so. People also turn bad though or go down hill to as such over time, reveal true colours over early niceties and pretence they've scammed her with getting in the door unfortunately. One scenario sadly you know all about yourself yeah from your own situation.

MH problems though, never in my life have l had to deal with those either in any woman l've ever gone for, not earlier anyway. Unfortunately though my mum did have some problems though and we all grew up very well aware of that sort of thing nonetheless.

Until recently that is anyway, after my marriage. The world and people had changed so much. women 40s, 50s, had had life, so different to back in 20s -30s, bad marriages, hurt, drama, divorces and damage and so unfortunately it seems quite common out there again now at this age.

As has gf to on that front, but her situation was also v complicated to on other fronts way beyond relationships stuff alone.

She's also though a brilliant girl to any man would be absolutely blessed to have as a partner and person, best you'd ever get butttt. Sadly she is carrying a lot of stuff along to. She's always acknowledged some of it and worked on things you can't ask more than that but not all unfortunately. On ths other hand some as l've said is just cultural or others to that she just can't see.

My brothers situation on the other hand has been totally different, his life itself has. ladies though in his past, weren't nice people and lousy partners to plus most of them were pretty messed up to l'd kinda told him that with most of them along the way. He had hopes though until it'd blow up, felt terrible for him. We'd had lots of talks and he has some good mates to that have helped but this psychiatrist somehow finally managed to get things through to him there that's the thing.

l must admit though the thing about that was to me l was really surprised that she'd tell him just one or two things or any sign of mh problems and it's best to walk.

Bc everyone has 1 or 2 things and just about everyone although you won't know it unless your v close to them, has some sort of issues too. Matter of fact l wouldn't even want any woman that expected me to be perfect and wasn't able to cope and be there with at least a few things . lt actually just seemed like an extremely short and quite unreasonable list to me butttt,tbh  there ya go he has sorted his stuff out, or maybe he finally just got lucky, not sure which but l'm happy for him anyway, he is a good bloke.

[randomxx]

We had a few messages over the wkend.

Nothing in particular but she still sounds in the same state of mind. Still as if she;s just given up and resigned to just being miserable the rest of her life.

Weirdest thing is , it's as if she can't see the difference in herself now as compared to when we're together. She had her stuff for sure before, but she was on the other hand to always optimistic. She was fun, extremely bright mostly positive and always had this sparkling smile and eyes, full of ideas, busy always buzzing around doing things or playing, always up for some fun.She'd even often actually, just look up at me cuddle in and say l'm so happy baby, eyes sparkling, yet as soon as she was alone again she'd get like this.

She'd still talk health problems and things to but then she;d totally contradict all of that with being so bright and fit in the day to day - even doctors would tell her she seemed fine.

But now, it's as if all that has just gone , as if she chooses to just wallow in misery just like her mum , given up, over the person she is when we were together.

She use to get like that before but only after one of us left and she was alone again - all the hypochondriac and misery would just start coming out again, she'd become all caught up in her own head and negative again, a totally different person.

lt's just so damn weird that she still just can't see that and the huge difference in herself. She'd deny it all actually, does it with the doctors to when they point it out to her.

So much of all that is exactly why l often come back to the if only l did commit earlier in and we were together all the time, she'd had been alright. Bc together she was .

Mind you she was pretty weird last few times together not her usual self at all but t turned out to be new meds she'd been on buttt, normally. Actually she said yesterday she;s still on those same meds so there we go again.

Anywayyyyy, it's all looking like a lost cause atm .

[randomxx]

too much thinking but that's how l tick until l work things out.

Once l work things out it's a closure thing for me. But it's also about reacing decisions and in deciding what l think and want to do as well as about my mistakes but hers to .

Well, l've also been realising God almighty it wasn't all on me there were so many cause and effects. like she was the one going of her nut all the time lately, or being so madly obsessive around the house and just unsettling the hell out of me. l also went through by her side , all of her 3 1/2 yrs of courts and legals, all of her mh and health problems , most things at my place or up at hers had to be her way, yaknow, there was one helluva lot of shyt from her side to, it wasn;t just me.

l need to remember that side of things to and keep stuff into the right perspective and balance bc yeah l didn't commit or wasn't as this or that as l should've been. But there was to a constant undertone of other things to that just weren't for me anyway, allowing me to go that next bit.

[CMF]

Hey my friend, 

No one can tell you how you " should have been ". You were making decisions based od circumstances out of your control. 

Don't blame yourself. 

Hugs cmf 

[randomxx]

Thanks cm.

God ldk. But yaknow, although she has an incredible heart , l've always said she just ain't too good at seeing herself.

When a person can't see themselves they often don't even realize they're doing this or too much that and so in many ways with her anyway, a lot of things weren't intentional ha, half the time she thinks she's making things better or looking after me. And you know all about how anxiety works so there's that to.

So yeah in some ways l coulda shoulda for sure , but nope, it was no way all on me. Even if a person can't see themselves they should at least see effects , especially if it's pointed out to them or causes things and so at least take a good look and think about things.

Anyway, think l'm just about done bothering with all this any further.

One good thing about my method of working through things, you either figure it out and get some closure or wear yourself out trying until you've just had enough and can't be bothered further right. Pretty well there.

Thx for the hugs could really use some of that.

Hugs to

rx

[randomxx]

Come to think of it though, there is just one thing, maybe you might know what it's about cm, or maybe it's just about nothing at all, ldk.

She does just send an odd message or vid or pic,song, not about anything in particular just odd stuff has nothing to do with anything us.

ls that anything , nothing - any idea ?

Whenever we have actually talked she's still the same and just sounds all distant and miserable .

[TheFarSide]

Hey there - been a few days where things have been somewhat of a mouse on a wheel - running the race but saw the messages pop up too.... 

I meant to mention earlier that my friend who re-evaluated her priorities and choices did so in her 40's.  All her early relationships where just with people who weren't suitable for a range of reasons - usually down to having a similar outlook on life.  It's also a major factor to be able to have some common ground or activities. 

Before I met my current wife I dated a women who on our first date talked about how nasty her divorce was being and how horrible her ex was being.   She was still in the throes of it all which I didn't know prior to meeting for the date - she really seemed preoccupied with the separation, and I wasn't really sure if I was there just as a place to park her hurting heart. 

I noted several pther conversation items on that first date that made me think she just wasn't ready to be 'out there' full stop and really, she should be taking some time to think about her own personal recovery.   

We dated for a few months - usually weeks between catching up so it wasn't a rapid relationship development as such... but the things she was saying sort of stayed the same - as in she wasn't letting go of the hurt - so I said I couldn't see this working out for us now.   She reached out to me a couple of years back however life for me had moved on...

That was probably one of those rare times I'd done the breakup, but it felt right to do it even though it would mean starting again to re-look for a potential partner... of course loneliness is a massive driver when it comes to who we are as humans, and it was a hard choice. 

Its a hard road but there is light at the end... make sure you are in the best place you can be.

[TheFarSide]

My own experience with exes is that they tend to hang on for a while - been like that since i started dating at school.   When a woman breaks u with you its like they made the choice to give up but realistically there aren't ready to fully let you go either. 

Its not an ideal situation to be in but the only one to focus on here is you and what you need to help get you into a place where you feel at peace with your situation.  

My thoughts are with you - I am familiar with your anguish... time may be the only answer.

[CMF]

Hey rx 

That is odd to send random stuff.  It could just be her wanting to see if you react, start a chat. Maybe she's feeling lonley & trying to connect.  

[randomxx]

Thanks for that cm and tbh all around what l was thinking to so it was handy to hear your take.