Relationship break up , 5 yrs , 59 , feels hopeless.

[randomxx]

Hi to anyone that might drop in , it's rx here l just had to rejoin.

A few might remember my ongoing thread about gf and her situation, us and the rest. Sadly though, we've broken up after all that.

l'm 59 now, just feels hopeless. lt's not that l don't get interest it's just the thought of starting over sometime later on down the track now, again, meeting that right person, it's about that person, not any interest or 2 dozen others, it's that one that feels so hopeless and if even ever at all will probably be yrs away from now, and l'll feel like it even less.

Ya just can't help thinking about it even though it's of course not the time right now for sure, know that.

As in my other thread, we were up and down , she had huge problems when we met, visas' and court cases and mh and health, she was all over the place. That's why l held back with her and us, 5 yrs but l still supported her with all l had right through it all though. All that had finally finished 3yrs in but she was still all over the place, l felt l could never trust it or her true self.

Together she was loving and supportive and affectionate and just a real partner tbh . But we were still long distance again due to her situation and so whenever she was home again or l wasn't up at hers, she'd just change again.

She'd be all negative and her health would go to shit again, talking bad stuff about us, saying she was too sick now to have a relationship, must've went through all that 20 times with her in 5yrs.

Truth was together, she was not only just beautiful mostly , but also fitter than any girl her age l ever knew soon as she was back up home alone though it'd all just start again.

There's no talking or reasoning, even though she use to preach positivity herself, the negativity just pours out all over again, even if we'd just had a beautiful 3 or 4wks together.

Dealing with that 5yrs plus all her earlier dramas , l just couldn't trust anything to do with us, but l hoped in time or once we were together full time, that'd all just go as it was when we were together. But then l'd think how would l know that was real just bc we were together properly at last, if she was going home again she'd just blurt out all the same old stuff.

Anyway, it started again after our last visit, her health her stress , she can't be in a relationship, l've had enough.

ldk, l was divorced 10yrs ago, laid low 5yrs, but she was the only one l'd met that just fitted, but then there was the rest of it. l could see a life with her though if it all sorted out and so l persisted.

l knew it was a gamble though, damn it.

rx

[randomxx]

l hope it isn't. l'd still like to think myself if two people are a suit and smart enough not to be effd up by the world and crap out there these days, they'll be ok.My brothers have done well and l know some others. But it sure has gone down hill sadly hasn't it nonetheless and the world and the bloody Googles of the world seem to be doing everything in their power to push it all even further.

l think it's just the mad world that it is these days and becoming even worse plus all the influences , overload and pressures to.

Nah she only went over to Japan to see her son, his w is Japanese . Gf's from the Boltics area, can't be any more specific tbh but she's an Aussie now ha ha.

[randomxx]

Talking to my brother last night he's interstate we call now and then.

Asking what's going on with her so l try to explain but an interested very basic point came up , well about 20 or them actually but this one's a big thing.

He says how would you view being with her and all the things about you two, 50 50, 70 30, 80 20 or what.

l couldn't really say on the spot but l've been thinking about it all night bc really that's what it's all about isn't it, goods verses bads.

l mean tbh , l'd call it 80 20 really which is pretty damn high isn't it ex w was the only one topped that. That was back when we met and earlier yrs obviously not 20yrs later fortunately but point is, can you expect any better that 80 20 anyway sounds pretty damn good to me.

But it depends to l suppose on what the 20 is about. With us the 20 was pretty big stuff that's very important to me, that's the trouble.

But now l'm bloody confused bc there'll always be something right.

[TheFarSide]

I think the older we get the bigger the fear there is about being alone.  Its why in our 20's we probably would not have tolerated the bad behavior we see now and simply moved on to the next - there was always plenty of fish to see in the sea.  These days the idea (I'm in my mid 50's) of restarting the dating game, finding someone to take a chance on and then having time to develop the nuances and understanding couples have versus the lifespan I potentially have left seems like a much harder task.   However!!!  The fact is there are good headed and good-hearted people out there and no time is too short a time to share what valuable space you have.   There are lonely people of all ages out there - its just that most dating spots are aimed at younger audience.

For the opportunity to have someone come to your life who is as nourishing and nurturing to your core as you are to theirs, I'd be happy to ride the carousel again even if were for only 6 months.  If I am single again (and who knows) I will be able to draw on the poor experiences I've recently endured with someone who cannot equally participate in a healthy relationship to find a better partner.  I will have also know in myslef that if difficult times do arise that I have the capacity to endure while maintaining my own sense of worth.   So is 80/20 the right value - only you can say - I know I'm in the 80 bad 20 good category in my marriage...  If it were my son I was advising, and all possible avenues had been explored to fix his current situation but to no avail - I would say leave and re-read my section on finding the right person even if only for the time we have left...

[CMF]

I'm the opposite. I'm okay being on my own now bur when I was younger really wanted to be with someone. M was my first serious bf.  Pretty funny, he may he my last too 🤣.  It would be nice to have companionship but oh well. If someone's meant to be in my life they will be. 

[TheFarSide]

I watched my grandparents share a life together (obviously not all - but a good chunk) - 50 plus years married and they were always there for each other.  There was seldom a raised word and issues were discussed as a couple and as mature adults.  He survived 6 years of WW2 ('39-'45) and remained a gentle soul despite what he'd seen and done.  I was always fascinated by the stories he told.

Where I am now in my relationship I don't feel anywhere near that sense of partnership.  While I am more than capable of looking after myself as such and can enjoy my own company comfortably if there was an issue and I needed support - I am not 100% she would be there.  

Maybe these days it's not feasible to have such a marriage - My Grandparents wanted to make it work no matter the obstacle and because of that they seemed to enjoy many more good times than bad.  To me that was the partnership I wanted for myself - where both parties are equal, where you can grow together and apart and from where you both can feel secure within. 

[randomxx]

interesting cm. Earlier after my marriage God l hate having to say that just sounds so statistical but, l never know how else to put it.  At any rate, l'd decided l'd never marry again or even be in any serious relationship again, it just didn't seem worth it. You go through so damn much for the other person and put so much into it in marriage but it seems it can still just end anyway so the idea was seeming pretty messed up to me.

l could enjoy my own time and space to for once. These days , l was always a spacey person but l am missing companionship again now to. l wouldn't jump into anything just bc but if the right situation and girl came along that l could see the rest of our days with l'd be game. Saw that in gf to day one but there was stuff to unfortunately .

Nice one fs with the grand parents. My mum and dad made 57yrs, although there was a helluva lot of stuff along the way and a huge family, dk how they did it tbh. Brothers, although their marriages wouldn't be what l'd want not many are they aren't like mine was but they're happy that's the main thing.

l think personally, it's still plenty feasible and there's plenty of old school minds around 40s 50s feel the same l've seen . But it is scary bc you realize after 22yrs, it takes 2 people but you might both change and you'll have no control over that so that part's scary as hell to me now no matter how good it was earlier in.

Tried to explain all that to gf many times and that l'd need to feel 99% confident about it but she just didn;t look at it like that. She was more no ones perfect nothings perfect and that's true for sure but l can't jump in still feeling issues l'm not sure l can trust though.

l think women are gamer than blokes, still willing to take the risk even though they've been through it themselves.

[randomxx]

lnteresting convo with another brother the other night, not one of the married ones, have 5brothers.

He's 50s now to but he's only ever had one 2yrs real relationship . He's wanted one and marriage but has mainly wound up being single most his life.

Just never had much luck with women he met them had v short stint things but nothing ever lasted.

Well a few yrs back he was sayin he wanted to give it one last shot he was gonna put everything into meeting someone and hopefully marry. He found this psychiatrist who was also a relationship counsellor , female to but she had some pretty blunt things to say about women he'd been meeting.

She'd told him women usually show who they are very early in and that you really need to take notice of that.

And that if you see any more than one or two things in attitudes and ways that you don't like or don't agree with, then don't get involved, or something to that effect. And said that by the sounds of or the personalities he had been getting involved with, the writing was on the wall day one with those women and he needed to walk away, and bla bla bla, there was a lot more.

Thing is,so later he went on to meet a few more ladies steered clear of most of them seeing things he'd learnt but eventuality met this little gem he's been with 2yrs now and still going very well. She seems lovely and he;s changed so much since he met her has a real calm and peace about him now. Never seen him like this. They'll marry for sure now l'd say and it's pretty amazing to see after he's life time of very unlucky in love and single hood.

Well , yaknow, l saw a real future with gf day one in just about everything butttt, there were also things . Some attitudes and ideals and also relationship wise that l knew then , first wk, weren't a good mix and that l felt totally differently about. Some of it culturally but some just personality things and views. But there were also so many goods. These other things though were pretty seriously different to mine and l knew it and they worried me.

As it turned out though sadly, they have come back to bite me.

[randomxx]

She sent me one of her 4am messages last night, didn't open it until l got up and grabbed a coffee this morng.

Just a song about love calm and peace,  with a picture.

On another note, many thoughts. That convo with brothers been going through my head. Any more than 2 or 3 major flags she said that's right. but l bloody hate that term these days- red flags, so google , cheap, unfortunately though it does have some substance to it.

Been feeling very strange to, that very slight tingle is still around. lf you knew me and how these things work with me, if l get something like that, it means something and usually gets stronger over time. lt's making me feel very weird especially with all this gf and us stuff coming and going emotionally on top of it.

l keep feeling 4mths, for whatever it's about . That could mean nothing just yet it's too soon,  could be 12 mths away. The last time l had this it took 8mths but it is a good thing though so l'll take it.

One thought , it might be my investment, the timing would be right but l don't think that's it. 

Hope it's not something with gf , l just want that either on or off , yaknow, at this stage, but l don't think it's that either.

Anywayyyy, will soldier on. Did a fairly long drive with work yesterday, 290k, was nice. Bit of a wonder and some lunch in the town l was going to, nice change.

rx

[randomxx]

Mind you , in the immediate day to day right now , things are pretty ordinary .

l wish l could feel some peace but there's a sadness and lonely undertone never far away and with too many thoughts going on to about things.

Of course l'm missing her and us, especially through the work day we'd normally chatter along ph or message all day long and into the night later, this gloomy damn ending to summer isn't helping either.

Don't think to much yeah that'd be nice, healthy too , easier said than done though sometimes.

rx

[TheFarSide]

What the Psychiatrist had indicated to one of your brothers about the women he had been dating is a very true assessment of how we should approach dating/life together.  In my experience I would agree that people in general do show themselves very early in the piece of the dating process, but we as potential partners aren't very good at reading any flags. 

My guess is this is probably in part because we are looking to have someone fill the role of being our partner - it creates almost a situation of I have this problem (i.e.- I don't have a partner) and how do I fix it (ie - get myself the next partner bus out of town to relationship land).  So, we ignore what we should see...

A very real truth is we are only on the planet for a very short time - some people are unlucky and don't even make it of their life 'learner' plates while others seem to be able to live into and beyond a 100 no matter how well behaved or how recklessly they approach life.   But no-one really knows what the day will bring and whether any of us will be there to see the sunset.  The point being is do we really want to spend what life we have with someone who isn't nourishing or nurturing to who we are - and why would they want to be with us if the reverse isn't true.  No-one will ever be a 100% perfect jigsaw piece and you may never mesh perfectly - but - you do have to mesh...  We should take the time ourselves to ensure that we wait a little longer at the outset (without a partner) to ensure that for the time left (which could be quite a long time) is spent with someone akin to your own values.

A woman I work with who's opinion I value greatly told me about the poor choices she had been making as a younger person - Shes about 60 now.  Basically, she had been chasing that typical 'bad boy' set and then wondering why she ended with a broken heart and a string of meaningless relationships rather than in a relationship that was built on respect and equality. 

For her it's a case here of: 'do what you've always done, and you'll get what you've always got'. 

So, she took some time out to unpick the past and clear her emotional plate.  When she felt at one with herself, she then began to focus on being more prudent with her dating selection process - with being prudent I don't mean having a 'white night' list - simply focusing on looking for someone with positive attributes that matched her own.  Effectively looking for men whose nature put them outside the 'bad-boy' circle.  Men who had plans beyond the next beer and wanted someone by their side to genuinely share the journey.

Unfortunately, there is a lot of men bashing in the media at the moment but it's not a very honest look at the everyday man or the everyday woman who are just doing the things they need to do each day to bring happiness, peace and a future to those around them.   There is an argument that both sexes could do with exposure to education programs to highlight what respecting people (all forms) means - and that violence isn't the way to approach things.  For unfortunately both sexes do display and act out poor behavior.

The above may not overly help RX given that the factor not included above is the emotional aspect - but  maybe there is merit in taking some time away to then see things clearly - for you, for her, for the future.