Relationship break up , 5 yrs , 59 , feels hopeless.

[randomxx]

Hi to anyone that might drop in , it's rx here l just had to rejoin.

A few might remember my ongoing thread about gf and her situation, us and the rest. Sadly though, we've broken up after all that.

l'm 59 now, just feels hopeless. lt's not that l don't get interest it's just the thought of starting over sometime later on down the track now, again, meeting that right person, it's about that person, not any interest or 2 dozen others, it's that one that feels so hopeless and if even ever at all will probably be yrs away from now, and l'll feel like it even less.

Ya just can't help thinking about it even though it's of course not the time right now for sure, know that.

As in my other thread, we were up and down , she had huge problems when we met, visas' and court cases and mh and health, she was all over the place. That's why l held back with her and us, 5 yrs but l still supported her with all l had right through it all though. All that had finally finished 3yrs in but she was still all over the place, l felt l could never trust it or her true self.

Together she was loving and supportive and affectionate and just a real partner tbh . But we were still long distance again due to her situation and so whenever she was home again or l wasn't up at hers, she'd just change again.

She'd be all negative and her health would go to shit again, talking bad stuff about us, saying she was too sick now to have a relationship, must've went through all that 20 times with her in 5yrs.

Truth was together, she was not only just beautiful mostly , but also fitter than any girl her age l ever knew soon as she was back up home alone though it'd all just start again.

There's no talking or reasoning, even though she use to preach positivity herself, the negativity just pours out all over again, even if we'd just had a beautiful 3 or 4wks together.

Dealing with that 5yrs plus all her earlier dramas , l just couldn't trust anything to do with us, but l hoped in time or once we were together full time, that'd all just go as it was when we were together. But then l'd think how would l know that was real just bc we were together properly at last, if she was going home again she'd just blurt out all the same old stuff.

Anyway, it started again after our last visit, her health her stress , she can't be in a relationship, l've had enough.

ldk, l was divorced 10yrs ago, laid low 5yrs, but she was the only one l'd met that just fitted, but then there was the rest of it. l could see a life with her though if it all sorted out and so l persisted.

l knew it was a gamble though, damn it.

rx

[randomxx]

Hi there fs and thanks for the thoughts , appreciated.

Don't blame ya though man that one had run like hell written cross her forehead by the sounds.

Gf's thing was very different they were long done she was fine but the ex had decided a few yrs later he wasn't gonna pay her out and so sabotaged her new situation and it all ended up in courts. But even with that she wasn't too worried at the time and in a pretty good place. She didn't even care about the payout. Unfortunately things really went pear shaped much later on though when some other stuff sort of got dragged into things and very understandably it all started getting too much.

Sorta doing ok though mate and thanks again . Got some good stuff going on too so that's sort of helping to atm. l've always been a deep thinker to though so on the other hand it doesn't matter what's going on l might get distracted but things are usually still ticking away.

That's ok though l like to work through stuff.

Unfortunately the bigger thing for me atm is l just don;t know if we should be splitting or pushing through. Pretty sure she's in around the same place to.

But anyway for now l'm getting on with business and we see down the track how l'm feeling later on.

[randomxx]

We talked a bit today.

l don't believe it, she's still using the same meds. The same meds that had me wondering 12 mths wth is going on with her is this the real her only just coming out now after over 4yrs , just wth . We talked about it here.

She can't even sleep , can't even nap, she was always a mess if she didn't sleep or didn't get siesta she gets over tired and swings into this manic type mood. just that one thing alone is enough to change her, yet they're doing much more than that she hasn't been herself 8 or 9mths. She's jittery nervy panicky quick tempered anxieties through the roof she's been as jumpy as all hell, just not her at all. But she;s still on them , these damn things are basically responsible for splitting us up because she was just getting too much, l'd wondered wth was this what's happened.

l had to leave early twice she was just too much. At the time she didn't tell me she was still on these she was suppose to change them 6mths prior, but she's still on them now.

lf l say anything though she goes off.

Bloody hell.

[CMF]

Rx

If someone doesn't want yo help themselves there is nothing you can do u fortunately 😟

[randomxx]

Yeah , honestly nothings made sense with her last 7-8mths but it is now, l can't believe it. She's still got stuff in my fridge right here that was the best she'd ever used and she's actually telling me that today herself andddd, they have zero side effects.

Wth would she go on taking this other stuff all this time she knew 6mths ago they messed her right up, makes no sense. Maybe she's addicted to them in some weird way. She actually said just today, the others aren't addictive either, which was an odd thing in the context at the time. Maybe she's aware she is stuck on these things.

Anywayyyy, unfortunately yep, your right.

[randomxx]

Nottttt, that l'm saying those meds are the root of all our evils but man, they certainly didn't help that l can say 100%.

Told her today wth are you still doing on those damn things , couldn't believe it, she just made nothing excuses.

l'm gonna ask her if she is addicted .

[CMF]

It is odd she'd keep taking something that doesn't agree with her.  Maybe she is so conditioned that she can't have a good life, thst it will always be hard so she's self sabotaging. Maybe she's scared to have a good life cos she can't believe it's possible so she keeps herself in this state of mind to prove to herself things can't be good.

[randomxx]

Could well be something like that. being miserable and all messed up seems to be the only time she's happy last yrs or so , it's like some sort of subconscious sabotage thing saying see,told you, l'm just like my mum, there's nothing l can do.

Actually she's said those very words quite a few times.

l use to remind her she's the fittest chick l've ever known, l mean l'm still pretty fast but l can't even get close to her in basket ball ha, we mess around with basket ball sometimes, there's a court near her place, She exercises 3hrs straight. Her mum hasn't walked 50mtrs or hardly been out of bed in 20yrs,she's nothing like her mum.

Anyway , we talked yesterday and l said under the circumstances l suppose it's not even my business right now but l think your addicted to those things, you know your a different person 9mths now, you know they're messing you up you don;t even sleep anymore.

She said baby l'm fine l have control of them- that was it. Wouldn't go any further. Ahhh, no you don't darlin.

Well, l suppose it's not my circus anymore.

[TheFarSide]

In the very early days with my wife - after the honeymoon phase but prior to the official diagnosis of Bipolar and Borderline she and I both explored a range of potential causes for these mood swings.  Everything from changing the contraceptive pill, changing brands of other medicines including juts headache style pills, coming off contraceptive pills and the story goes on.  She already had some medications to help with moods from seeing a basic counsellor before I was on the scene so we changed those out (under supervision of course).  But.... You just know when something isn't right with a human being and so you try to eliminate as best as possible any existing possible causes before looking at any new potential possibilities.  After that was exhausted it was down to looking at alternatives - at least my wife was willing to be seen by a specialist and at least enter into DBT (even if short lived).   I take a medication for ongoing sciatic issues - I know if I miss taking one that my mood can start to alter - fortunately I can recognize it pretty quickly and simply go 'ooops' forgot to take again.  For me though its more a body sensation than any form of mood change.

I agree with the comment above about people have to need and want to help themselves.   While tools can certainly be provided and family/loved one support is important no force on earth can make someone address their own issues if they simply won't take charge/responsibility.

Despite how things probably appear on this forum at home my wife has actually improved from those early maddening and illogical days of uncontrolled anger and outbursts... She does acknowledge her issues, takes her medication and offers genuine apologies after the fact where she loses a the grip on control.  The major explosive tennis matches via a text barrage no longer occur and the verbalization of any argument face to face tends to be fairly tightly confined.   These days its more about time apart - she may sleep in another room for days until the emotions subside - for me that's a win as a lack of sleep for either of us could create further issues. 

Now don't let that confuse you about how I feel about the whole relationship - she still can be very sh!tty in her treatment but I'd also be omitting the truth to say she has at least improved for her own benefit.  I think though - from what I have read - that age actually assists in the healing process for Borderlines as they seem to bring the temperature down a bit with a few years of experience - Shes same as me being in mid 50s.

Although this is always easier said than done - perhaps it's just time to have a genuine 'what do want' and 'where are you at' style of conversation if nothing more than to provide your own mind with some clarity.    Then you need to ask it of yourself.   As things stand, I can't see me leaving my wife... I certainly can't see her leaving me... And even though I hate where we land on some days there is a certain familiarity in this strange bond - both glued together for some healthy reasons but also some unhealthy reasons.

[randomxx]

Ahh fs, your last parah sums up us two to and she knows that she's feeling it right now l see it and as l am myself to. l mean don't get me wrong we also have so many goods or l wouldn't be here.

Anyway, l'll be back , just got home from kayaking , cold, but that was really nice to hear for you my friend and if that's how it's feeling run with it until further notice l say. There is something very real, very connecting , very special, about two people getting through things.

for now, rx.

[randomxx]

lt's fantastic she's willing to look inward and for help and acknowledging, as you say you can't work on anything without that it's a great step.

We started trying separate beds a bit to just this last 12mths to get some sleep and imo it's also huge that your w is recognizing and again also acknowledging her moods to and that she might need it at times.

Unfortunately this last 8 or 9mths for us it's needed to be a lot more though she'd just been jumpy all night it'd just been to much. She's never been like that and once again it's gotta be these damn meds nothing else fits.

Fantastic once again to that your w is experimenting and analyzing meds and different effects gf was like that right through but for some damn reason she's stuck on these atm. l can't even understand where the actual hook itself even is bc there's nothing good about them not even feel and everything she's even on meds for is actually heightened if anything.

Yaknow, there's normally some kind of hook but there's no feel goods at all with this stuff makes no sense, not even some nice high or hidden something certainly not on the surface that l can find or that she's ever even hinted at.

Your wifes area is very tricky l know my d is bp alone and some of those meds have horrific side effects. l've said no way on gods earth we want her near some of them l could not believe they'd even consider them.

Thankfully though to d is very med wary but also one very intelligent cookie to and just this last 18mths she's been looking into foods and natural causes but also beneficial things in others. Steady habits and routine,good sleep, diet, self care, recognition and it's all making a huge difference she hasn't even been on meds 12 mths now but she's also leveled right out of late.

l know your w being bpd on top of it to, whole nother plain again but never the less, if she isn't already things like those could also be well worth looking into to.

Anywayyy, yeah. l've thought about our goo and bads many times, often wonder if she's ever weighed them up funny l've never asked her that but l know most of hers anyway but then mine to.

My problems always been the goods mean so much to me, such special very hard to find things, if ever.

Take care my friend and good luck with everything.