Relationship break up , 5 yrs , 59 , feels hopeless.

[randomxx]

Hi to anyone that might drop in , it's rx here l just had to rejoin.

A few might remember my ongoing thread about gf and her situation, us and the rest. Sadly though, we've broken up after all that.

l'm 59 now, just feels hopeless. lt's not that l don't get interest it's just the thought of starting over sometime later on down the track now, again, meeting that right person, it's about that person, not any interest or 2 dozen others, it's that one that feels so hopeless and if even ever at all will probably be yrs away from now, and l'll feel like it even less.

Ya just can't help thinking about it even though it's of course not the time right now for sure, know that.

As in my other thread, we were up and down , she had huge problems when we met, visas' and court cases and mh and health, she was all over the place. That's why l held back with her and us, 5 yrs but l still supported her with all l had right through it all though. All that had finally finished 3yrs in but she was still all over the place, l felt l could never trust it or her true self.

Together she was loving and supportive and affectionate and just a real partner tbh . But we were still long distance again due to her situation and so whenever she was home again or l wasn't up at hers, she'd just change again.

She'd be all negative and her health would go to shit again, talking bad stuff about us, saying she was too sick now to have a relationship, must've went through all that 20 times with her in 5yrs.

Truth was together, she was not only just beautiful mostly , but also fitter than any girl her age l ever knew soon as she was back up home alone though it'd all just start again.

There's no talking or reasoning, even though she use to preach positivity herself, the negativity just pours out all over again, even if we'd just had a beautiful 3 or 4wks together.

Dealing with that 5yrs plus all her earlier dramas , l just couldn't trust anything to do with us, but l hoped in time or once we were together full time, that'd all just go as it was when we were together. But then l'd think how would l know that was real just bc we were together properly at last, if she was going home again she'd just blurt out all the same old stuff.

Anyway, it started again after our last visit, her health her stress , she can't be in a relationship, l've had enough.

ldk, l was divorced 10yrs ago, laid low 5yrs, but she was the only one l'd met that just fitted, but then there was the rest of it. l could see a life with her though if it all sorted out and so l persisted.

l knew it was a gamble though, damn it.

rx

[randomxx]

D thinks those meds are a huge thing , she knows a lot about all the same meds for very similar things.

But then if gf is hooked on them and wouldn't she be then, why else would she still be taking them ?

Thing is, been dealing with her problems ok the legals weren't her fault and that was hell and neither is the shape it all left her in mentally , but at the same time, all her other stuff and there's been a lot, and then being convinced she's her mum and now these meds, Jezuz. How much more ?

On one hand she's the most caring giving partner you will ever find, she'll drp everything , anytime anywhere , if l need something or to support me in any way, no matter what her own situation at the time. And l love that about her just so much , that person, it's just such a huge thing.

But on the other, although, it's been all right through mostly about her. Can't count the firsts 3 1/2 yrs or so but at the same time , it was what it was but thing thing is it's still never stopped and now these meds.

ldk, wondering, it's just yet another thing for me that by the looks of it there's always gonna be and should l even now have to deal with this too which she should be stopping herself anyway. lt's not like that's the only thing in this last 12mths either on top of everything else before hand, there's been also plenty of other stuff too, this med thing is just looking like the biggie for this round.

We've talked about it before here buttttt, it's probably just always gonna be like this- so then how much is enough and do l want to go on dealing with it ?

l love what we are and what we have , and who she is at the core , buttttt !

rx

rx

[TheFarSide]

Not sure if this has been covered before but have you looked into or read much about co-dependency?  I know that is definitely part of what kept me in my own relationship in the early stages (and still plays a part now).  This almost irrational thought process that if we just do "X" or enough of "Y" then surely, they will change, or treat me better, or feel better themselves and become or react in ways to what some would call a 'normal' person...  

It's part of why I said in an earlier post about me being in my relationship for both healthy and unhealthy reasons - I certainly have both. 

My wife is addicted to her medication.  But honestly, I also take prescribed medication for ongoing pain management, and I am effectively addicted to it as well - not so much mentally but certainly I feel the effects of the absence if I forget to take the meds on and in my body.  I would not like to go through what a change in Meds might bring out for my wife - sure... it could be the answer, but it also might unleash a reckoning that would be months to correct.

If you were a relative, I would say step away and go no contact for a while - see how you feel about things in 6 months or so when time and space has provided fresh perspective.  Look after yourself first and then view things from a fresh mindset.  But for me to offer that as advice at this point is really the pot calling the kettle black - I should do exactly the same.  Which takes us back to co-dependency - it helped to read and understand it - even if I didn't do anything with the knowledge as far as the situation goes.

One of the things I've been really having some success with for a while (and its only for my benefit) is to literally tune out and not give a cr@p when her mood swing and BPD moments come on.   I've learned over time to not be affected as much or in some instances at all by the shift.  It's about basically not give a fig about what has triggered her, to not let her sour mood affect my level or good mood.  No matter what the mood is doing to her I don't get drawn in to a war or words and inappropriate anger.  It's hard coz it still requires some quick assessment about the situation - as in is this a triggered moment or just a slight annoyance that anyone might get whether they have BPD or not.

I still don't have it down pat - sometimes I miss the mark or respond when I know its pointless... 

But when I do control my own tempo the 'look after me first' approach it does help to be able to just get on with things and engage more so in my own life.

My wife has improved since being together - it is said that BPD does get better with age - like a maturing.  The instances are further and fewer between.

All that said only we (the people in it) can answer for ourselves how much we should put up with... Will there be light at the end of the tunnel or will it always be just an insufferable sh!@ty experience - or is it a pendulum that swings anywhere in between.

I'm here - but there are a lot of times I think that I could be in a much better place...

[randomxx]

Gday fs and thx as always for the thoughts mate.

l can imagine your tossing internally . The lady l was with for awhile before had patterns and the bpd sides of those yeah, man, they were not an easy thing.That never worked out but with the way that she cycled in patterns became pretty predictable after awhile you could set your watch by them so that kinda helped bc at least l knew this one or that was due so l'd kinda prepare.

A friend of mine though that had a bpd sister and so knew of course one helluva lot about it first hand but also later on in life got to see her sister have a long and successful marriage to date at the time to so that was nice to hear. She use to go into specifics of how her Hub managed her. l researched a lot myself to back in the day and found quite a lot of info and techniques, l suppose you've been doing all that yourself but there are also quite a few married people through the forum here to where one or other is bpd so, it is doable.

My gf situation , ahhh, nah nothing that complicated tbh it's pretty basic in the why's of persisting. Bc we have so much very rare stuff on the good sides. Things l've felt many a time through out from day one, despite the problems on the other hand, just so so lucky to have found and to have, and to find again now after already being married a long time before hand man. On all that l couldn't have asked for more at this stage and then of course there's the love side of it to.

So yeah , reasons in pushing on are pretty simple stuff really. l mean you don't want to throw something like that away especially at this stage but also you just hope to get on top of things really.

Problem is, at this point they still just keep on coming when all through it was all meant to be long over at this stage butttt, meds or whatever the latest, she still keeps finding more and l've no doubt she will again next unfortunately to.

Anyway so yeah. We're pretty well on that break now still and l've been thinking a long the lines of what you've suggested myself really, maybe give it 6mths.

[randomxx]

Mind you, l don't mean to sound hap hazard, this isn't easy, l miss her very much everyday and especially overnight and although quite busy mostly and with a fair bit on atm, l still find room in this mind of mine to work everything over constantly.

My d said the other day you should go up and see her, talk about this med thing and just us in general. Sometimes l think she could be right but maybe luckily right now l can't really get away, ldk.

l suppose l really do need to take some time out to atm and just think this all through and l'm hoping us both doing that that she will to and just realize a few things herself , as l have myself.

Can't tell how much of any of that she's actually doing though in what litte contact we have had, she does not sound happy though not at all and she's as stressed as all hell to. Could even be why she's persisting with these meds bc her anxieties through the roof ,she's had far better than these though and with the effect on her sleep they're having, ldk, makes no sense.

At any rate, there is one very big thing on top of anything else that l've some how mostly completely forgotten about of late. The issue of one , we'd still be long distance but 2, the situation with the trouble l have even staying at hers of late to. lt was becoming a very big thing alone and last few stays l'd wondered if l could even do it anymore . Bc shes quite content there and it is really nice inside and the area has everything she needs but me on the other hand, l start feeling like a caged animal a wk or 2 in/ Trouble is there's no outside to her place,yard or balconies, or anywhere to even sit in the sun and no garage so l can't even take any of my stuff to at least go tinker with. You have to go out of the whole properly and down the street or wherever just to get some outside.

lt's a really big thing and considering she also won't be able to even come down to mine anymore atm. Not only means l mostly have to go up there atm but also that l go a bit cray when l am there longer than a wk or 2.

Anyway, another pretty serious angle l also need to weigh up for sure.

[TheFarSide]

You can only do what makes sense to you when it comes to how you feel about things.   The old phrase 'the heart wants what the heart wants' never applies more than with another human being on this planet that have already connected with or would like to connect with.

From personal experience also having things to do (hobbies or interests etc) that are 'your own' is actually quite important.  It's very therapeutic and many activities give you extra skills or exercise your mind.  Being in a situation - and that can include relationships - where these activities are not available can actually become frustrating.  It's also a great way to have time out of a relationship and give it space to breathe - (thinking about red wine here) - you also come back more resilient and wanting the time together to matter.

I used to be very much of the mindset that you should clear the air where possible when there has been a disconnect (doesn't mean that there was a fight).   

In that way everyone understands where things are and efforts can be made to close or rekindle depending on the circumstance.

My experience with a few partners and indeed my current wife does make me double think that approach - sometimes despite your best intention some people just don't give a toss...

Small story.   Many years ago (think late teens) I was at a party with my long-term girlfriend.  At the party along with 60 odd others was one of my partners friends (a girl) she had not seen for a while and also an ex-boyfriend.  Not an issue for me - never been a jealous person.  What I didn't know or see coming was that I was being set up.  As the drinks flowed, and the 50-gallon drum flame burned, and the music played my partners friend (girl) came up from the darkness around and just planted a kiss on my lips.  I didn't respond back to the kiss which was like 1/4 second long.  I just pushed her back just looked at her as if to say "whhaaaatt???". 

Looking over her shoulder though was my partner looking on.   It was a set-up so my partner could see me supposedly with someone else which meant she had justification to go and be with her ex.   Now that was all a very very long time ago with very immature minds and hearts driving the scene but it did make me start to look at people and their intentions.   I still have faith most people mean well and can be taken at face value however over the years I have seen similar styles of behavior as detailed above from people who should know better and who should just be honest about who they are.

None of that helps you with your thought bubble though - just gonna have to do what you think is best for you as a human... I can but wish you well with whatever direction you think takes you the path to walk forward with the best frame of mind.

[randomxx]

Oh yeah some of your own thing to is exactly that. Working was also a go to too for pretty well anything life to actually, just with the work l do and being for myself to. There's usually no pressure and l just enjoy getting back out to the workshop and just being taken away with just doing my thing.

Gf always wants me to go with her to dance classes and l do some but often let her go alone to just for my own good

But the good old baiting from the gf's friend thing yep , or the gf's sister is another one l've unfortunately come across too.

Not really from the gf or ex w either for me.  But for example ex w's sister was just jealous and she'd flirt and try it on, try setting me up hoping to just blow us up really.

But anyway gf and l, yeah, shall figure it all out as l go hopefully eh.

[randomxx]

Must admit, as for any contact of late admittedly l've realized it's been a bit more me making the first move than her.

Must admit l'm a bit disappointed . l said to her when l was up there last , you maybe can see now why l was pretty cautious about diving in too soon and why l was having trouble trusting things.

Can you understand why now with all your on offs.

She said, and it was in a nice way and not really in the way this sounds here but,,,, she said ok so you were right holding back what you want me to say.

ldk, that's a bit like this last few wks is feeling atm . l mean l just haven't been able to feel much coming back from her in the little we have talked, although sometimes it has seemed her sadness was about us. But there hasn't been any suggestions or hints verbally at all not one and then realizing l've often been the one in touch first , well.

l've wondered from here if l did or should just leave it, would she be the one later on sometime and start realizing a few things.

[CMF]

They say no contact is the way to make them realise. I know what you mean. I too was the one I initiating contact.  Maybe you just need to stop.  It's the only way you'll get your answer.

[randomxx]

Yeah , ldk. That stuff always just sounds like childish games to me and shyt testing tbh which l despise butttt.

On the other hand right now , maybe it's not a bad idea , do you think ?

[CMF]

I don't think it's childish. I think it's protecting your heart & stopping you from wondering. You will see if there's any effort from her. If not you can make a decision and/or it will fizzle out. Sometimes you need to test things to really see.