I made a stupid mistake, didn't mean to and now I feel really hurt and blindsided, I feel like such an idiot and want to hide from the world

[pinkflower95]

To try and keep this brief I met a guy at a bar he did the whole asked for my number thing and wanted to date me etc and we hooked later that night, fast forward a few weeks in and both of us decide that we aren't looking for a relationship, he decided that he wants to move back to the city and come to a conclusion to be friends instead. I later confess to him that I liked him more than just friends and asked if we could do friends with benefits thing, he replied with a small smile and said he would think about it - I even said to him that he didn't have to say yes to it or even answer that question if he didn't want to. Fast forward to a week or so later maybe and he said we can have sex , he did when we met that he is an anxious texter, can be blunt and has anxiety and bipolar (submania), I also have anxiety and can be a bit anxious with texting people too so we didn't really text each other too much. Anyway before Lock down 6.0 occurs we catch up after my shift from work this time in my car as the pub was shutting so we chatted away in my car about random things, having a good time, laughing, etc, and he kisses me a few times, during our catch up he also grabs my hand and puts it on his torso and later on his scar above his eyebrow where he was telling me about how he got it, later on he also was putting his hand on my groin near my crotch, which I was OK with since we had already done foreplay stuff with each other before so I wasn't offended by it or anything. Later that week lock down 6.0 happens, during the this period we spoke over the phone once (to which he texted me wanting to chat as he was feeling bored, which I was ok with, I didn't mind having a chat) during the convo I asked if he was still OK with the whole FWB thing as I was feeling nervous to which he replied 'yes I am OK with this, do you want me to put it in writing for you'not in a bad tone or anything, just in a normal manner. During the short time of him being here he never really texted me to initiate the FWB thing and plus with 2 lock downs happening both of us being busy with work, it didn't happen, plus me being a virgin, being nervous and not knowing how to initiate this whole thing also.

[pinkflower95]

... I don't know if going on medication is an option but I have resorted to taking up smoking/ drinking more to help me cope.

[tranzcrybe]

[re 21 September 2021 in reply to tranzcrybe]
In the movie 'Amelie', there is a scene where the hapless child turns on the television only to hear "If you have just tuned in..." then some horrible news item is reported, resulting in her feeling responsible for the whole thing, which starts a cycle of self blame for everything else happening in the world from her innocent interactions.
I guess that applies to you somewhat from your description - is how other people think really evidence of any mistake on your part? Take a quick poll and you'll find it's 50/50 more often than not whether you are right or wrong - you can please some of the people some of the time but not all of the people all of the time.
You may be overestimating how much some people react when not necessarily agreeing with you, but I can relate to being left hanging which sees your mind spiral with 'what if ' scenarios. These are a little self indulgent but not worth more than passing reflection - the same as if I trip over, I nurse my wounds and rue my two left feet or start cursing the rock that caused the whole thing (I know it was the rock's fault!) but then I get up again and carry on.
The same for when you return to work - nothing to feel ashamed about and you don't have to go into details. Good chance people will have long forgotten or it'll be just idle 'water cooler' chat to be friendly and show interest in your life. Acknowledge, brush off, and move on.
Embrace those happy moments - that's the best medicine of all.
(... there is a lot more to consider in your latest post...)

[pinkflower95]

tranzcrybe said:[re 21 September 2021 in reply to tranzcrybe]
You may be overestimating how much some people react when not necessarily agreeing with you - Can you please explain what you mean by this

[smallwolf]

Hi. I noticed in one of your replies you were wondering if therapy was helping. I don't know how long you have been seeing your therapist or how frequently and not asking either ...

My own thoughts are that it is a slow and steady progress to make lasting change and there can be other factors to take into consideration. For example, how are you feeling now compared to same time last month or last year?

Of course only you know whether or how well it is working.

[pinkflower95]

My therapist said that I have made progress and there have been times where she has reminded me of the things I have been doing/achieved now that I certainly wouldn't have had the balls to do 7 months ago or even last year. She tells me to trust the process. I just wish it would speed up but perhaps I could be doing more things to help with that like joining a sporting club purely for the purpose of interacting with people, I hate sport, never been good at it but hey if it helps me to grow who cares what I like, i can try throw myself into it. There are parts where I feel it has worked but they are only minor and when I told my friend that I feel it is working she just gave me a disgusted look. It is hard to say therapy is working when my circumstances and people tell me otherwise. I have spoken to people that have been in therapy for years and they tell me that it takes about 12-18 months before you see a difference. There was a time where I did ask my therapist of how she thought I was progressing and she said I was making great progress. I haven't seen her in a month and am due to see her again next week. I have been seeing her on a fortnightly/3 weekly basis for the last 7/8 months

[tranzcrybe]

Can you control what someone thinks just by behaving 'better' or trying to accommodate their preferences - much of this already resides in the mind of the other long before you even say Boo!
If you are considering moving to the city, this could become overwhelming if you place too much emphasis on how others perceive you - particularly if it has no basis in fact. For most, it is simply a case of move on until you find someone or some unique quality that clicks for you - from there it either grows or fizzles, often through no one's fault. I guess that is why you simply can't create the scenario and then jam the pieces in to fit.
Life is too short to fuss over the conniptions (real or otherwise) of other people - what would be the point? It is everyone's right to think what they want - right, wrong, fair or foul. What matters most is being true to your values while accepting those of others (and I think most stable relationships survive on the 'acceptance' part - no one is perfect!).
While it is reasonable to reflect on unfortunate experiences for future reference, there is little to be gained by clinging to the sunken ship.
That's what I meant in my earlier post and your question - hope this clarifies a bit for you.

[smallwolf]

Hi. I have frequently had my doubts about the progress. Remember that all our stories are different but it took me 2.5 years to see any progress. Indeed, progress before that ... my psychologist would say something like "you are able to catch yourself ..." or when in session using "and" vs "but". On a day by days basis we may not see much difference so compare yourself today with last week, or month?

[pinkflower95]

I get good days and bad days, some days I wish I could end my life/ disappear over this mistake which sounds a bit extreme. There was a misunderstanding on my part, which caused me to text the guy, he took that differently, he replies back sarcastically, at the last minute of me finishing work he replies and blocks me. Yeah i feel hurt I wanted to stay friends with him, not for sex or anything. Perhaps it was for the best that I am no longer in contact with him and forget him, sex would've lead to more complicated things anyway i feel if it did happen. I just wish I understood what he meant / understood the situation better and he in turn didn't block me. I wish there was a way he could read my blog posts here so he could see where I was coming from. I didn't mean to upset him, but again that is the self indulgent part that I should be avoiding. I am also inexperienced to relationships so I don't know any better and of what to think. I have been trying to get into meditation daily (trial and error to see how it works out for me) and trying to be a bit kinder to myself (hard thing to do/ unlearn) and change my attitude on life. Its hard, i particularly struggle on my days where I am not at work and have more time spare, I have been trying to fill my days but hard with ever impending lockdowns and restrictions. How do I get out of the cycle of self blame and come away from it with my head held high?

[tranzcrybe]

Hey Pink, welcome back.
I'm guessing this is one of your bad days, so well done for identifying and redirecting your mulling over the problem to BB. You know, if it only takes one mistake to shatter a friendship, then it is best things took the path they did - the reasons, the missed reconciliation, and self recriminations are irrelevant.
Your faith in sustaining this connection was stronger than his - his loss, not yours. Lockdowns are compounding your feelings so, within prescribed limitations, keep reaching out to others and look out for new opportunities wherever you may be.
I do like that meditation is triumphing over medication - keep it up!