Relationship and family issues

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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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MiaC Partner will not discuss or support me in dealing with inappropriate behaviour from his adult children and his friends
  • replies: 17

I have been with my partner for seven years now. He has two grown up children who have partners of their own. His son has been diagnosed with anxiety and can be quite obnoxious and rude to me. His daughters husband has anxiety and ADHD and has on sev... View more

I have been with my partner for seven years now. He has two grown up children who have partners of their own. His son has been diagnosed with anxiety and can be quite obnoxious and rude to me. His daughters husband has anxiety and ADHD and has on several occasions acted quite offended as he believed that I had said some things that were insulting. However I had not actually said anything at all. On every occasion where my partner should have discussed with me what had happened, he simply blamed me for it. This has happened when some of his friends were quite rude to me, he tells me that I am too sensitive and laughs it off. If I ever get upset and state what really happened he will defend his son in law or his son or his friend. I am now supposed to visit his daughter during Easter. I said to my partner that I will be happy to visit her if he will support me and not allow any bad behaviour to go unchecked. I said that if he allows any unpleasantness to occur that I will not allow it to be ignored this time. He will avoid discussing it, saying that I am being unreasonable. It is not unreasonable to expect to be treated with respect. I dont enjoy seeing them and they certainly dont include my partner and I in anything at all. I did think it was because they couldnt accept their father being with someone other than their mother but now I realise that they really hadnt seen much of the father before I met him. He says to me that those things are in the past and dont matter. He will not simply say that he will not allow them to behave in an unacceptable manner and he will not discuss it with me so I dont feel that it is over at all.

Tesss Cannot seem to let it go.
  • replies: 4

Hi all , Ive been quite miserable of late.. My unhappy marriage ended three years ago and I thought I was over it . Nope. We function well as seperated parents. I want to let go of the anger and disappointment I feel toward him. I want to forgive mys... View more

Hi all , Ive been quite miserable of late.. My unhappy marriage ended three years ago and I thought I was over it . Nope. We function well as seperated parents. I want to let go of the anger and disappointment I feel toward him. I want to forgive myself for staying...its hard . I am generally a happy very motivated person....even I think it sounds silly . It was 3:years ago....

James_A At the crossroads
  • replies: 3

Hi, I am lost. Dont know where my life is going and dont know how it got to this. I am 48 years old and married to a wonderful woman with a 3 year old son who is the love of my life. After being married for almost 9 years, my wife told me in October ... View more

Hi, I am lost. Dont know where my life is going and dont know how it got to this. I am 48 years old and married to a wonderful woman with a 3 year old son who is the love of my life. After being married for almost 9 years, my wife told me in October (6 months ago ) that she thought we should separate. Although I was shattered to hear this I wasn't surprised. Our marriage has been ordinary at best and we live like flatmates. Sex has been non existent and we haven't slept in the same bed for 3 and half years. Since our son came along my wife has been sleeping with him. We dont have much in common and never really did when I think about it. We have been to counseling several times even prior to getting married when I look back we probably should not have got married as it has never been joyful. We bicker and disagree on many things and have different values on many things. We have decided to give counseling another try and just had our first of a few sessions last week. Going back to when my wife told me that she wanted out last year, it was really hard to hear as I feared for the effect on my son and my fear of being alone. She did agree to at least give counseling another tried but thinks that it will be highly unlikely that we will turn it around. To make things mure more difficult and clouded, my sister got married last week and she asked my ex girlfriend from 17 years ago to be the celebrant as they have stayed in touch ( i hadn't kept in touch at all however I always thought about her but tried to put it out of my mind) My wife knew about my past relationship and we managed to get through the wedding. We did put on our fake happy couple act as we always do At the wedding I spoke with my ex alone on several occasions including a bbq at my sister's place the next day that my wife didnt want to go to. Whenever we spoke we instantly connected & left off as if 17 years didn't not pass. We did have a bad breakup that broke my heart and if I'm honest with myself I never got over it. (It was my fault(. She is married with kids but has confided in me that her marriage is rocky. With this I have realised that I still miss her deeply and often think what could've been. This has also made me own that my current marriage is wrong and that hanging around for the sake of our son is not fair on anyone. I am not sure what may happen with my ex but I do know that my wife isn't the person I am supposed to be with. I am clouded and dont know what to do. James A

white knight Step parenting- the maze
  • replies: 3

First up I’ll declare that I was a step parent twice. Loneliness in adulthood often drives us to seek a partner that might have children. Do we fall in love first then “hope” that our children accept our choice of a partner? Often we do. Or do we int... View more

First up I’ll declare that I was a step parent twice. Loneliness in adulthood often drives us to seek a partner that might have children. Do we fall in love first then “hope” that our children accept our choice of a partner? Often we do. Or do we introduce our children to our dating partner early and risk scaring that girlfriend/boyfriend away with bad behaviour or just incompatibility? That’s a dilemma that often faced. I chose to introduce them early to my girlfriend in 1998. Children 7 and 4yo…well, any female would get along with them right? They are innocent kids right? Well my GF never took to them. By the time I realised that their interactions were toxic we’d blended finances and I relied on hope, hope that she would accept them. It never flourished. In fact of the 10 years we were defacto, not one holiday included my children of which I only had for every second weekend and some school holidays. The answer to that was, in the end, judged by me as her wanting me all to herself. My children were an annoyance. Of course I could declare they were good children with normal squabbles but overall well behaved. But in the eyes of my GF they were always naughty and always in the way. For a parent with children divorced from the other parent seeking a soul mate it isn’t easy to find a compatible partner AND one that will also become a nurturing step parent. The word “nurturing” is the key. Had I looked for the nurturing side of my then GF I wouldn’t have found it. To hope she would accept my children as a crucial part of my life was sadly, unrealistic. To give advice on this topic for a parent seeking a partner either with sole custody or not is hard because every situation is different. However in the early periods of meeting your date it is beneficial to sit back and listen to your date ask (many) questions about your kids. If they don’t then alarm bells could ring. At the first few meetings when your date and the children meet, watch the interaction. Watch for any willing hugs and time he/she takes to do things with them like drawing and playing. A real nurturer will do these things naturally. If these things are not natural then take lots of time to see any more development but not be so enthusiastic in advancing with your relationship. This maze of relationships with children is also like the MI maze, in that we would be wary if we dated a person that had zero interest in our mental health. Both things are part of us to the core. Tony WK

Blue_Jay Not even broken up yet but already upset
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I have been with my girl friend for years and things are getting very stale. I have every daydreamed about her dumping me so I could just start over with my life. Also Iive by country side and I hate so I am planning to move to the city but girl frie... View more

I have been with my girl friend for years and things are getting very stale. I have every daydreamed about her dumping me so I could just start over with my life. Also Iive by country side and I hate so I am planning to move to the city but girl friend wouldn't, she wants me to just go check it out and come back after a year or two. I honestly can't see how this long distance thing can work. So I thought its high time to go our own ways. I am about to break up with her and start a new life. I thought I would be free but now have thus overwhelming grief. Only now I realised that she is the most caring person I have ever been with, even the nagging comes from her good heart. I am so lost, feels like I am making the biggest mistake of my life! But I also know that I will regret if I stayed (I am moving to the city regardless, this path is sealed), I can't sleep and I can't seem to focus (but still doing great at work). I also maintain a fake strong personality to the outside world. I can't even cry when I feel like crying, no tear, nothing. I feel so exhausted.... any suggestions

BlueBen Struggling with the loss of my life
  • replies: 10

I am suffering from separation anxiety from my partner leaving me. It feels like I have lost a wife and son in a car accident and I never got to say goodbye. Her 3 year old son and I were at times inseparable and I miss him so much it hurts. I am bro... View more

I am suffering from separation anxiety from my partner leaving me. It feels like I have lost a wife and son in a car accident and I never got to say goodbye. Her 3 year old son and I were at times inseparable and I miss him so much it hurts. I am broken hearted and cannot understand how or why this has happened. We had a fantastic relationship, we were both very affectionate and attentive, very involved in each other’s lives. Shared our children and were beginning to blend together quite nicely. Yes some issues and things along the way and ahead of us but nothing major. We discussed building a life together with all of our children and having more. We talked about the future, our future on a daily basis. It was all going great. Christmas time and we were taking selfies of us all cuddled up with all of our children in bed yet 2 weeks later it was all over. I was blindsided by the decision. I’ve sought explanation on her reasons but really got nothing of note, nothing that would seem insurmountable. We both had previous traumatic relationships that contributed to some issues but I thought we were and could continue to deal with these. Nothing love, communication and understanding couldn’t help solve. Since the split I have suffered panic and anxiety attacks and depression. I am seeing a psychologist and having reiki sessions to help deal with it all but I continue to struggle emotionally on a daily basis. 2 months on and the loss is still feels as as raw as when it happened. I am devastated. BlueBen

paramount23 Partner blamed me for herpes, but he already had it.
  • replies: 4

Ive been seeing my partner for nearly 4 months now, so still very new, but about a month ago he came too me and said that he got tested and found out he had herpes. I told him I didnt have any STD's, but I went and got tested just to ease his mind (a... View more

Ive been seeing my partner for nearly 4 months now, so still very new, but about a month ago he came too me and said that he got tested and found out he had herpes. I told him I didnt have any STD's, but I went and got tested just to ease his mind (all clear). When I told him I was clean he still made me feel like I was hiding something and that I must have given it to him. He made me feel so guilty over something that I hadnt even done... This weekend just gone, I was over his house and helping him clean up around the house, when I found a script for his herpes medication which was dated October 2017. He had made me feel so bad, making me think I must have given this too him, when he has had it months before he even met me. I dont even care that he has it, just the fact he lied and tried to make me feel guilty when he knew all along. I feel like he was waiting too see if he had infected me so that he could put the blame on me. I have no idea what to do, I havent confronted him about it, but I feel like how do I trust whatever he says? I need some advice because Ive just been thinking about this whole thing non stop, and have no idea what to do.

Concept9 6 year relationship ended - resorting to many drugs to cope
  • replies: 4

Hey and thanks for reading, I have finally found my way here after much procrastination, firstly because I need somewhere to vent/release and secondly in hope of some advice or reassurance on where to go next. I recently got out of a 6 year relations... View more

Hey and thanks for reading, I have finally found my way here after much procrastination, firstly because I need somewhere to vent/release and secondly in hope of some advice or reassurance on where to go next. I recently got out of a 6 year relationship, and it happened quite unexpectedly. We were dating for many years, it was very passionate and intense. For me, she was my first true love. For her, we were beyond what she had ever experienced before (her words). We moved in together a little over a year and a half ago and things seemed fine to me but she could never be pleased completely. I mean, not physically but emotionally. I was always letting her down despite myself feeling like I was doing everything possible to provide a nice home, meals, and look after her health + support her family where possible. I thought things were so right I went and got an engagement ring made for her. Exactly the style I knew she wanted and spent silly money. I was planning to contact her father for consent and the waiting for the perfect time to pop the question. Next thing I know, she’s moving out of our place, and insisting she needs to live with friends but wants to continue seeing me. From the moment she left I cut contact. I realised that I was living in a dream world and she wasn’t there with me. The day she left I started partying with my mates and now I’m dosing myself with coke every night to make myself feel better. It gets to the late hours of the night and I realise I won’t be sleeping as I’m thinking about the above, plus business, and the rest so I take unprescribed medication to get to sleep. This has been going on for nearly 2 months and I’m only feeling worse as the days go by. I haven’t had coke for a few days and I feel like I’m no better or worse without it but need something (alcohol, medication) to get to sleep of a night. I think I need to see a GP and get proper help but also feel like getting it out there now is the first thing I need to do, even though everyone is probably going to say stop doing coke and medication. The other thing I’m lost on is what to do with this bloody diamond now?! If you made it this far, thanks for listening.

Mari70 Psychosis aftermath
  • replies: 4

My son has been struggling with addiction and related psychosis for around three years. Recently he had an acute psychotic episode, suffering delusions and mania and was hospitalized under the Mental Health Act. While he was having the psychotic epis... View more

My son has been struggling with addiction and related psychosis for around three years. Recently he had an acute psychotic episode, suffering delusions and mania and was hospitalized under the Mental Health Act. While he was having the psychotic episode he went online and verbally abused some of his friends and family. He's since come home and is getting back on track with his medication and drug treatment. The issue is that he sent apologies to some of the people he abused but none of them have responded, except for one person who responded angrily and doesn't seem to want to accept his apology. I'm stuck in the middle of this and am torn between understanding how everyone feels and feeling defensive of my son, because he was not himself at the time. I can certainly understand their anger and hurt for his behavior, bit I feel that my family members and friends don't really understand his mental illness and the state of mind that he was in when he made the comments. He was not in his right mind at all. He was not himself, hence the hospitalization. He hadn't slept for days, he was manic and his thinking was chaotic and delusional. He's upset that nobody has responded to his apologies and the one person who did responded with anger. He still hasn't fully recovered from his psychotic episode and I don't think their response is helping. He was very embarrassed and regretful about the things he said and while they're understandably hurt, he's hurting too and he needs a bit of compassion and understanding. It's hard to know what to do in this situation and what his level of responsibility is. I only know that I would be forgiving of somebody who was that unwell and would take that into account and try not to take it personally, especially if they apologized. My son is very sensitive which is a big part of his drug problem and I fear this rejection is just going to make things worse for him. He's never behaved like that to anyone before. He's always been known as a gentle soul despite his addiction problems. It's only the recent psychosis that has made him verbally aggressive and abusive. Any suggestions in how to deal with the fallout of his psychotic episode would be appreciated.

white knight Over analysing
  • replies: 0

This forum is a great place. It fills gaps in our pursuit of mental well being, well enough to survive or fit into society or just feel better. How much investigation do we need to accomplish to feel better? A trap I fell into some years ago was to f... View more

This forum is a great place. It fills gaps in our pursuit of mental well being, well enough to survive or fit into society or just feel better. How much investigation do we need to accomplish to feel better? A trap I fell into some years ago was to focus too often and too long on my mental issues. I began to fell my mental issues were a giant magnet and any spare time I’d gravitate towards the computer onto this forum or googling sites about bipolar, depression and medication. I’d mention to my visitors my mental health. Eventually I wrote the following threads (use google) Topic: Do you ramble on? A talker of mental illness all the time- beyondblue Topic: do you talk too much about your problems?- beyondblue It became obvious that the balance of getting on with life and my obsession with my mental state was out of whack, this is quite normal for a time. Acceptance of our ills isn’t easy. So how long should we centre our attention on mental illness to an overloaded level? That depends on the person, how serious their state is and their difficulty in dealing with it. What I would consider is the effect of your daily life and your relationships by smothering yourself with too much of the one topic. Any topic, say an obsession with a hobby, work, sport, is not beneficial to your life as that balance is not only harmful to you but your relationships suffer, people see you as obsessed. We all know that feeling of being ill when socialising and we mention our medication and others turn away. We are also sensitive towards other people so we should limit our contact with the same faces because hurt isn’t far away whereas some find friendship in others with similar mental illnesses to an extreme. My suggestion is to just back off a little and spread your time and kindness. This is all to do with balance and self preservation. Lets be wise as to the reasonable level of everything we do. Limit your worry, time on mental illness issues and not leave ourselves open to hurt by attaching ourselves to friendships beyond reasonable levels. Finding a hobby or interest takes us to another world of smiles and fun. We can introduce variety in our lives. Over thinking how we think, who likes us and who doesn't, why, why, why, what if's, I wonder, maybe I'm bipolar, etc etc. Get the treatment, involve yourself with forums and regular GP visits but acknowledge that those actions are only part of your life. There is other living to do. Tony WK