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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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Georgia777 Accused of abuse
  • replies: 7

I have recently left a relationship where I was accused of abuse. I had on occasion behaved poorly and let fly, however had not viewed this as abusive, but normal, albeit poor behaviour. On occasion I apologised and she let fly with a series of compl... View more

I have recently left a relationship where I was accused of abuse. I had on occasion behaved poorly and let fly, however had not viewed this as abusive, but normal, albeit poor behaviour. On occasion I apologised and she let fly with a series of complaints about things like me having stuff in our shared house and failure to complete some tasks around the house. She did not accept my apologies, therefore I found this frustrating and felt the need to leave the house. I am confused about the boundary between normal but extreme/ unacceptable outburst and abuse and am taking this labelling very hard.

Emeraldeye Will mediation help with abusive family member
  • replies: 13

Four five years now, I have suffered from narcissistic abuse from my sister in law. This abuse has ranged from simple shunning, name calling, and manipulating situations so that myself and my husband and children are cut out of family events... to qu... View more

Four five years now, I have suffered from narcissistic abuse from my sister in law. This abuse has ranged from simple shunning, name calling, and manipulating situations so that myself and my husband and children are cut out of family events... to quite severe verbal abuse, screaming and lunging at me, gaslighting and sustained bullying. Some of her emotional outbursts have been in front of my young children, and three times now I've had to deal with the fallout of her inappropriate behaviour in front of them and explain it away so they don't feel so distressed. During this time, I have asked perhaps a dozen times if she would meet to talk through our issues and try and put it all behind us... This has always been refused, and the only communication I've really received from her with regards to what her perspective is in this whole situation is abusive communication.... so not only do I have really no idea what I've done/I do to trigger this kind of extreme behaviour, but I have had given absolutely no voice to express the hurt I've felt. I myself have been treated for depression, anxiety and PTSD as a result of some of these attacks and the ongoing bullying, and it's been a terrible time for my husband also, who has also been diagnosed with depression. I made the decision a while ago to stop being around her at all, block her on my phone etc, and prioritise our healing. This has been hard for the wider family to understand, but they have mainly supported us. I've been through a great deal of counselling, and started to make headway, and we tried going to a few family events again. But then more recently there was another flare-up, and the abuse went to a level that really scared me. She also said she never wanted anything to do with me ever again. For me, that was it... I'd reached my limit. I had had enough. I was happy to give her what she wanted. I cut all ties again, moved on mentally and have missed out on family events where she was there, just so I could find peace in my head once again. But then all of sudden, my husband and I get a request for us to go to mediation with them. It's so strange. Anyone else with any experience on mediation within families? Or experienced narcissistic abuse and had any positive outcomes either through reconcilliation? Or should I follow my gut, and stay away?!!

Questions_ Advice Anyone?
  • replies: 6

Hi, I've been trying to make sense of my marriage and what I should do. In a nutshell, my wife and I have been married for 11 years. We have known each other most of our lives and have two beautiful children. Five months ago I suspected she was in an... View more

Hi, I've been trying to make sense of my marriage and what I should do. In a nutshell, my wife and I have been married for 11 years. We have known each other most of our lives and have two beautiful children. Five months ago I suspected she was in an emotional affair with one of the single Dad's at school. Over this time, it has been confirmed she has feelings for him but wouldn't cheat on me as she is married. She mentions she wants us to work and that she loves me but not in love with me. She tells me me she is confused and doesn't know what she wants. My obvious thought is what have I done wrong - is it me, is it my fault. I am in a high profiled job, spend tremendous time with the family, take her to amazing events and am very affectionate and loving towards her. And she recognises that. However, the spark for some reason has vanished. For five months I put up with the situation at school until I finally confronted him on the issue. As a result, he has cuts ties with her (communication wise) and she now resents me for doing so. Her argument is that I am forcing who she can and can not talk too, yet on the other hand tells me she has feelings for him. I have threatened many times to walk away, but she says to give her one last chance to try and make it work. Friends and family can not even fathom why she is so confused. To make matters worse, when we talk about it, she shuts down, doesn't speak and gets angry. Counseling won't work because, as she states, there is nothing more I can do - she needs to work it out. As it stands right now, we both agree we want to try and work this out (but this is the same conversation we have had 40+ times before). My concern is as she doesn't open up to me, and is confused of the situation, I really don't know where I stand. It is heart breaking as I am in constant purgatory. I know time may bring us back together and I should give her some space to sort things out whilst (no matter how I'm feeling) being supportive. Separation won't work as I'm the type of person that would need to move on. Something I think she also recognises. It almost feels like she is wanting me to make the decision for her. Oh and as a side note. This guy is a single dad who has done time in prison for assault - we couldn't be any more chalk and cheese. I would be interested to hear from anyone else that has had this happen to them and what steps they took to move forward? Confused.

SuperKA Dealing with Partners family problem
  • replies: 2

Hi, I'm SuperKA, I'm 26 and recently I became unemployed due to workplace bullying. For the past six/seven years, I've been with my partner. Currently we are in a complicated relationship as we broke up earlier this year, but slowly working through t... View more

Hi, I'm SuperKA, I'm 26 and recently I became unemployed due to workplace bullying. For the past six/seven years, I've been with my partner. Currently we are in a complicated relationship as we broke up earlier this year, but slowly working through things together. In the time I have been with her, there had always been an issue with her mother and her sister. They have always been the most nastiest people I've met and I've sort've had to be on the outside witnessing them abuse my partner. Whilst, yes it's not my problem, it is still something I have to deal with and quite honestly it is mentally taxing. Her family are not really the type of people that are easily comfortable because they are set in theirs way. So whenever I am on the outside, hopelessly watching them abuse her or when she comes to me all upset. I've had no choice, but to either take it in my stride and bottle up how I feel or take out my anger on my partner which is not fair on her. I don't have family or friends that I can talk to as they all hate her. I've tried everything, I've moved her two times, both of them fell through, I've tried saving money to get our own place, but we always went through my savings paying for her medical bills and other issues (She has kidney failure). So she wasn't able to work for some time. A year ago, I've taken up Martial Art as a way to deal with my anger, but that can only do so much. I am at a lost as to how to deal with them. My partner has told me that she didn't need me to solve her problem, but to be there for her. Six/seven years down the track, listening to her talk about what they do to her it is torture. Whenever I am at her place, it is just them fighting non stop, whinging, if it is about her they will constantly whittle her down and in turn, just being there it feels like they are hurting me in the same spot every second. It has gotten to a point where I hate them so much. I don't know what to do, I can't tell her not to talk about because as a partner I feel like it is my duty to be there for her through everything. She wants me to go to her place all the time and almost every time I have to work through the anxiety to go over. So yeah, it is complicated

Hope4321 No sex ,frustrated and depressed
  • replies: 17

Hi, I have been married for almost 5 years now .We have a kid who is almost turning 2.Sex in our relationship was very good untill we had our son ,it was like both parties ready anytime we felt like it.Then after our son was born ,it was still good f... View more

Hi, I have been married for almost 5 years now .We have a kid who is almost turning 2.Sex in our relationship was very good untill we had our son ,it was like both parties ready anytime we felt like it.Then after our son was born ,it was still good for a year after he was born.Eventhough not frequently like before,but i was totally ok with that.Then after that 1 year mark my wifes attitude towards sex has changed dramatically.She says she doesnt enjoy sex anymore and shes providing a whole lot of excuses to justify her part.My wife is a very bold and opinionated personality who can be very fun to be around certain times.We used to fight on our differences and use bad words to bring each other down.But that was only occasionally like every couple and it never affected our sex life before.But now shes is bring up all those up and says i have treated her badly and she doesnt deserve that and she cant have sex at the same time.These bad incidents she has been talking about are minor and silly ones.I think shes is trying to justify her part with all these.At home i do a significant part of cooking,washing dishes cleaning and looking after my son when i am home. I also travel for work quite a lot ,during that time she has to do all the work unfortunately.She only works partime also.Anyway i tried communitating openly about my frustration and sadness for not having sex,but she is just very reactive.I have been rejected so many times and when ever she agreed she just lay on the bed like a dead rubber.So for the past few months i stopped initiating sex due to fear of rejection and low self esteem.But for me its causing so much frustration ,sadness and not even sure whether i am depressed.Whenever i see my son playing around me i just forget everything and be happy around the house.i sleep in a different room now and my wife thinks i am happy satisfying my sexual desires by myself.But every night when i go to bed my sadness,depression and frustration creeps in .I am waking up multiple times at night.Just feel helpless and hate life now except my son.I feel like there is no hope to change this coz of the personality of my wife.I have spoke about going to marriage councelling with no response from her.She is living like its not the end of the world.I just had to vent out somewhere.

Nias_worrior dealing with death, friends and seemingly unreqited love
  • replies: 4

will make this as short at possible. 2 years ago a friend of mine passed away, that friends partner I have known and been close to for many years and she really needed someone solid to lean on during this time, I myself broke my back in 2014 and have... View more

will make this as short at possible. 2 years ago a friend of mine passed away, that friends partner I have known and been close to for many years and she really needed someone solid to lean on during this time, I myself broke my back in 2014 and have been off work since then so felt as someone who had the time to give I would make it my duty to help her through this time, so I moved in and pretty much dedicated every waking second of my life to making sure she was okay. fast forward to now and things are going well, but things between us have gotten complicated, we've lived together for 2 years now and have built what I would say is a stronger relationship than I ever imagined I could have with anyone. we spend all our time together, have travelled half of Australia together, she calls me every night on her way home from work, we sleep together every night (have done for as long as I remember now) , we have a sex life even though its up and down. we have talked about our future together and I realise this is something I cannot push as she needs time and making things official between us is a massive step and in so many ways is going to be the day she decides to move on and start the next chapter of her life , I cant think how scary this is. a lot of my issues lie within myself never being sure if i'm doing the right thing by her, am I forcing her to try and love me, will she ever truly love me, is she attracted to me, the questions go on and on but I do feel deep down things we're meant to be this way and I need to be patient. I have only really told one person where things are going but she has told quite a few friends and has told them that we have even spoken of having kids in the near future and has said to me the reason why she wont jump in the deep end and commit to me yet is because she feels she knows shes not going to be able to give me 100% yet, we are planning on traveling again at the end of the year. things like this and just everything in general makes me feel she does love me and does want this to work , its just not going to be easy. i'm not sure what kind of advise i'm looking for but i've been really struggling with it all lately, maybe I need to feel like im doing the right thing, maybe im exhausted from not feeling loved, maybe im just so scared of losing her I keep getting ambushed with negative thoughts, id love some thoughts and advice. thanks..

Maa I am depressed because daughter is emotionally abused
  • replies: 2

My husband has been inflicting emotional abuse in my teenage daughter for years. I have two boys but he never targets them when he’s angry. I always thought he’s a short tempered person because every time after the abuse he would be sorry for his act... View more

My husband has been inflicting emotional abuse in my teenage daughter for years. I have two boys but he never targets them when he’s angry. I always thought he’s a short tempered person because every time after the abuse he would be sorry for his actions and for few weeks or months things would be normal. Now my daughter is showing signs of depression and hates her father. She’s seeing a psychologist who told her that she’s been emotionally abused. I can now join the dots and can see clearly that he’s an abusive person not someone who gets angry quickly as he’s amazing and very sweet natured with others. I don’t want to leave my husband because he loves me and the kids. He is aware of his behavior but still blames my daughter for bring over sensitive. I think I am depressed because of this situation. Though my husband has agreed to go for therapy and he’s trying to change himself for better but I feel sad all the time. I feel that the love inside me has died. I am crying whenever I am alone, have lost interest in everything. I just see my beautiful family crumbling right in front of my eyes. I has never hit me or my daughter but has been intimidating several times. Do domestic violence perpetrators get better with treatment or do I have to live with it. I don’t know what to do, all I know is I don’t want my daughter to suffer or my family to break. Can someone in similar situation give some advice

Chickem100 Seriously confused
  • replies: 2

Hi Friends, This is my 2nd post about a particular issue with a friend of mine. Firstly I'm 38 happily married with one wonderful child, I have a good job and generally speaking am in a good place most of the time, some ups and downs but nothing to s... View more

Hi Friends, This is my 2nd post about a particular issue with a friend of mine. Firstly I'm 38 happily married with one wonderful child, I have a good job and generally speaking am in a good place most of the time, some ups and downs but nothing to serious. Now the issue I have here is this year I've made a wonderful new friend through work, we've become great friends and share pretty much everything together. She's 10 years younger than me, single and if I'm being brutally honest someone who in a different time I would of pursued a relationship with (that sentence is very hard for to me to write and admit to) Now I have no intention of following up those feelings as it would ruin my lovely family and my friendship with her, neither of which I want. The other end of this is when she talk about dating. as I said we share a lot and she asks me for advice and what I think about this guy etc etc. Now this has been fine but now it's really eating at me, for one reason I worry she'll find someone and forget about me and our friendship and the other I must admit which is hard I think is jealousy. I obviously value this friendship very much and want to be able to put the other stuff to one side but I'm struggling at this point in time, I'm putting on a brave face at home and trying all I can to not have this knot in my stomach. Any advice going forward would be much appreciated. Thankyou for taking the time to read this and I hope you all have a lovely day.

Quiettall Feeling sad, confused, cheated
  • replies: 2

I have been married for 16 years. In the last few years my wife has been very secretive about money she has held yet demands to know everything about what I earn, spend and what money we have in the joint accounts. I retired about 5 years ago and too... View more

I have been married for 16 years. In the last few years my wife has been very secretive about money she has held yet demands to know everything about what I earn, spend and what money we have in the joint accounts. I retired about 5 years ago and took all the funds out of the super accounts I had accumulated and put into our joint SMSF., making sure that at least 65% was in her name to ensure she was looked after, as she had very little super. When her Mum died, she was left some $180,000 5 years ago which has now grown to about $220k. Yet she has not contributed one cent of it to our joint household. We have been living on savings which are quickly running out. She still demands we have an annual overseas holiday and her medical bills go on our joint account. When I start to draw on the SMSF next year it will come from my share to cover our living expenses, unless she tips in some of her own funds she has withheld or withdraws some from her share of the SMSF (she will pay tax because she is not able to do this for 3 years). I am feeling very bewildered and concerned recently at her attitude about money. I am feeling very uncomfortable about raising this with her because she gets very high and mighty when I challenge her on anything. Am I being a bit petty and stupid? I am concerned about equity in the relationship

BananaSmuvie Greif Pushing Us Apart
  • replies: 4

My fiance and I have been together for over a year. A good portion of it was long distance, although I recently moved back as a close family member was diagnosed with terminal cancer and I wanted to be there to support her. It's been a challenging ti... View more

My fiance and I have been together for over a year. A good portion of it was long distance, although I recently moved back as a close family member was diagnosed with terminal cancer and I wanted to be there to support her. It's been a challenging time, but our relationship has been filled with a lot of love. That said, she is more of a secure-anxious attachment style, whereas I am secure-avoidant - when we do argue, I tend to ignore feelings and sweep things under the rug, where she's very emotional and I unknowingly shut her down. Unfortunately since the passing of her close family member, she has become very depressed. However, she's been very great at hiding it and pretending that everything is fine and although I may not have been giving her the full emotional support she needs, I just assumed everything was fine and she was moving forward. We had a argument last weekend over something silly that escalated into me pushing her away and increasing her anxiety. As usual the next day I acted like everything was fine, but it wasn't. She's now told me that she has been extremely unhappy for a while but just didn't talk because she was afraid. She doesn't know what she wants, but knows she needs to mend and deal with everything that's happened and find her happiness again after her loss. I am confused as we don't have a toxic relationship and there is a lot of love from both sides - the main issue is when we do argue that I am the typical alpha male who gets angry and doesn't express feelings, and she's the loving female with a lot of emotion. All I genuinely want is for her to be happy and mend. Obviously I feel her depression is affecting her thoughts and decisions, and that the grief has her feeling numb, lost and confused and just focusing on the negatives. Last week we were planning a wedding and family, this week she wants out. She said she still loves me and cares, and I have been there through her darkest days but she's just not sure we have a future any more which is a hard pill to swallow. Any tips or advice would be much appreciated. I love and care for her very much, but am giving her space and hoping for the best. Thanks