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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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Oasis21 My husband turned out to be someone I didn’t even know
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I was with my ex partner for 8 years and we got married after 6. Only in December of last year did I find out he was having an affair with another woman that became out of control. He was stalking her and ended up with an intervention order. Feeling ... View more

I was with my ex partner for 8 years and we got married after 6. Only in December of last year did I find out he was having an affair with another woman that became out of control. He was stalking her and ended up with an intervention order. Feeling like my life was being ripped out from underneath me, I was terrified that I was going to lose everything I only ever knew (him). I stayed and tried to make it work... and after a few months realised his behaviours and promises meant nothing as I still found so many dating apps and explicit sexual messages on his phone from other women. When i finally built up the courage to leave he couldn’t accept it. Begged and did anything he could to get my attention. Things like, threatening to throw my things out on the street ect ect. One night out with some friends, he had followed me there and began to send me abusive messages, thinking I was with another partner. He ended up smashing my car and leaving me an abundance of abusive messages. The police were called and long story short he is now in remand waiting his trial as he has charges from the previous woman and now myself of stalking and damaging property. He is having his court case tomorrow and finds out whether he is released or sentenced further time (has already been remanded for 4 months since it all happened). I’m trying to process all my feelings and mindset of it he comes out... hopefully will leave me alone but just the stress and anxiety of this person who was once my husband who I would’ve done anything for... to this stranger who did a complete 360 on me. I’ve been doing my best to move on and live life but there’s moments of guilt that catch me and I almost feel bad for everything that’s happened to him. I know I need to stop feeling the guilt as these were his choices but this was once someone I loved and it’s so hard.

Djl001 I fell for another woman but have a young family
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This is my first post. I’ve been in a marriage with my wife for 13 years and never looked at another woman. This changed 7 nights ago and I fell hard. Things haven’t been great between my wife and I for a couple years. We don’t have sex, we snap at e... View more

This is my first post. I’ve been in a marriage with my wife for 13 years and never looked at another woman. This changed 7 nights ago and I fell hard. Things haven’t been great between my wife and I for a couple years. We don’t have sex, we snap at each other we fight about stupid stuff. I’m a small business owner and I’ve had some pretty rough times over the past 24 months and it’s taken a toll on both our lives. We have 2 kids under 6 and a beautiful home. My wife is gorgeous and an extremely caring person. We love each other but I don’t know if we’re in love. I’ve also been battling severe anxiety for years now. Almost crippling . So it’s rare I go out. I’m 35 and was out with my friends last weekend and another woman showed some interest in me. We had a flirt and that was that. However as I was leaving to go home I bumped into her again and she gave me her number. Out of curiosity I texted it. Never done that before while married. Turns out she’s 42 divorced with adult children, extremely beautiful down to earth and a strong independent woman. We chatted intensely for a week and met up. She sent me texts saying she missed me and wanted to see me(she knew I was married). Through the corse of around 7 full nights of text and 4 visits we kissed .. 3 times and It was electric. I finally told her today that it had to stop as I was falling (had fallen) for her. She doesn’t want feelings involved and agreed that it wasn’t the best time to peruse this for both of us. I’ve deleted any contact I could possibly have with her and she is ok with not continuing this as it’s hurting me that I can’t be with her. I feel crazy it’s only been a short time but I know when I know. I don’t know what to do with myself as all I can do is think about her. But it can’t happen. Not only is she not ready for a relationship due to divorce proceedings but doesn’t want to break up my family. I don’t want to lose my family either, but I don’t know how to suppress these feelings I have for her. It’s most likely over now I’ve poured my heart out to her and she felt the same but it wasn’t right. How do I get over this, how do I stop thinking about how happy it made me feel ? It’s causing my anxiety to spike and to lose sleep. I know it’s my fault I should have left it alone but it just felt right at the time. Any advice would be greatly appreciated thanks D

TJD16 Confused
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Hi I'm in my late 30s and have been with my partner for over 6 years. My partner has sent me photos of a painting of himself holding up a piece of paper in it with a smile drawn on it and constantly tells me he cannot switch off his mind. He is const... View more

Hi I'm in my late 30s and have been with my partner for over 6 years. My partner has sent me photos of a painting of himself holding up a piece of paper in it with a smile drawn on it and constantly tells me he cannot switch off his mind. He is constantly having these thoughts but doesn't elaborate on what they are. I have pleaded with him to go and see a Dr and he has admitted he won't do that because then it's like he's admitting he has a problem. From around March this year has started pushing me away. Almost 2 weeks ago he told me I was the only one invested in the relationship how he didn't know what to feel or how to feel about anything anymore. On the Friday he messaged me to say he would be coming up around 10pm that night. When it got to midnight I said to him that I was going to bed he was welcome to stay or if he wanted to go that was fine too. He said so you don't want me to stay do you. I said no of late if has you of you want to have dinner together or if you want to come over you tell me you feel obligated to do I wanted to make your own choice. He has lashed out at me several times now to the point I feel nothing I can say or do is the right thing in his eyes. After leaving here the Saturday morning he sent me a you tube clip of queens I want to break free then underneath wrote from my mind. Once I see it I begin to worry so I try calling him, no answer, I message back without a reply so I went to his house. When I got there I was asked what brings you here? What did you expect to find here? And then was told you know I was really looking forward to having a night on my own. I said that ok I only came to check you were ok any way. I got out the door remembered I had a pyjama top in my drawers there that I'd been meaning to grab only so he let me I I go to my drawer and it's empty. He points to a bag on the floor and says there's your clothes in there. I got really upset by this and said how many times are you going to do this to me and out of spite said I hope one day you feel as hurt as I am. He then said to me will you just rack off. We haven't seen each other or spoken to each other since. It's now been over a week and I'm at a loss as to what to do from here. I am worried about him but I feel that I need to leave him be and let him come to me if he chooses to otherwise I'd be just adding pressure onto him and I don't want that. Am I doing the right thing? I'm so confused?

Tbrown How can I help my husband
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We have a new child only 4 months and ever since we found out we were pregnant my husband became very stressed wondering how we will cope financiallly and how our relationship will survive. I reassured him constantly and seemed to have calmed him how... View more

We have a new child only 4 months and ever since we found out we were pregnant my husband became very stressed wondering how we will cope financiallly and how our relationship will survive. I reassured him constantly and seemed to have calmed him however lately he has really become quite depressed. He says it’s nainly his work but also caring for our daughter. I do every feed so he is not losing sleep and he is at work every day while I care for her. When he arrives home I am very careful not to throw her onto him and allow him to relax before I suggest a cuddle. When she cries he finds it hard to cope as he says he hates that he can’t settle her. Every time she cries now I take her straight away to save him the stress. I am constantly tiptoeing aroundhim anf trying to do so much to keep him happy- I never ask for much and e courage him to go out to footy etc. it is taking its toll though- he just snapped at me with tears in his eyes when I asked him why he was so down. He says I ask him all the time and he’s sick of explaining it’s his job and that he never ever gets any downtime. I know how he feels because I am the same but that’s what happens when you decide to be a bloody parent! I don’t know how to help him anymore I just do t know what to do. It’s been almost a year of this change in him and i miss us so much. He has had 2 sessions with a psychologist but then he decided he was getting better. I am honestly at a dead end I don’t know what to do.

Shadowgirl Overwhelming heartache
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I don’t really know where to start. Am feeling so weighed down by life and the toxic people in my world. I have so much to say - but words don’t come out. Just a deep sadness in my family that I fear will never heal.

I don’t really know where to start. Am feeling so weighed down by life and the toxic people in my world. I have so much to say - but words don’t come out. Just a deep sadness in my family that I fear will never heal.

white knight Fortress of survival part 3 (workplace)
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In parts 1 and 2, I concentrated on the theory that we with mental struggles often miss out on learning the "screening" process when people enter our lives. We don't hesitate to welcome them in and often, such people are not compatible to our persona... View more

In parts 1 and 2, I concentrated on the theory that we with mental struggles often miss out on learning the "screening" process when people enter our lives. We don't hesitate to welcome them in and often, such people are not compatible to our personalities and less suitable to tolerate the symptoms of our illness. One of the techniques I offered was to build your fortress and develop such processes. A person enters your life and instead of inviting them straight away into your 3rd floor lounge room you begin with an eye piece at the fortress door, then a foyer, then office and so on until they have passed various ongoing tests which is automatic in most people. The purpose of the fortress of survival is to protect you from people that hurt you, removing them from your life before your feelings are dependent. The workplace is different. Having had 90 jobs in 15 professions over 41 years and only ending up with two friends of any substance, my feelings are that there are many people like yourself that believe they have friends in the workplace when really those friendships are not friendships of any depth at all. The workplace is an environment where you have to survive. Your financial welfare depends on it earning an income. Often management know your dependency you have on your job and will use that leverage to get the best out of you often well over your capabilities particularly when ill and not performing at your best. Make no mistake very few work colleagues and supervisors right to the top will have tolerance for your illness. I'd recommend you not let out information on your illness. However, there could be a manager that you have faith in as he/she has displayed an appreciation of your work ethic and more importantly he/she has shown empathy for your struggle to carry out your work. Also be wary of any mania you have. Supervisors tend to "flog a willing horse" when distributing a workload. I call it "playing the game" where everyone else goes missing (or goes for a cigarette) when work comes around..you wont ever win against these people so "if you cant beat them join them" meaning- go missing also. If a colleague is filing her nails instead of lifting her phone knowing you will do the work...play the game with the least fanfare. Complain and you'll make enemies. Playing the game means being friendly with everyone but trusting of few if any. Survive the workplace by being a worker of over average output and remember the fortress of survival TonyWK

BeautifullyBROKeN One is the loneliest number - The fine line between excepting some hard truths, & trusting your own judgement.
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Hello Fellow Warriors, I have come here many times, and many times I have considered reaching out, but never made the time, or couldn't find the words. But today, I am making the time, and hoping that the words find me. Almost three years ago, Depres... View more

Hello Fellow Warriors, I have come here many times, and many times I have considered reaching out, but never made the time, or couldn't find the words. But today, I am making the time, and hoping that the words find me. Almost three years ago, Depression and I had a totally unexpected head on collision. In an instant my independent and established life, collapsed before my very own eyes. The main difference between my situation, and an actual head on collision, is that when you're in a head on collision with a vehicle, you're left hurt, dazed and confused, but you know that you should try not to move, and that trained medical emergency professionals are coming to your aid and will fight for your survival. That those who love and care about you, will rush to help and offer you support. But when you have a head on collision with depression, there is no 'stop, drop 'n roll' type learned guidance, nor are there any medical professionals coming to take control of this situation. There is only you....and a shit load of confusion, denial and the impending dark clouds of hopelessness. Well in hindsight, that's how it felt. I continued to fall deeper into my hole for a long time, and struggled to find the right kind of help and support for me.... Any who, fast forward to now, and while I am not depressed anymore, nor am I taking medication. I just can't seem to loose the shackles completely and return to the real world. I have lost my identity and my purpose. I never realised (until I met my black dog) how important some of life's 'givens', like having a loving partner, feeling appreciated, getting married, and having a family were to me. Over the last three years I have come to terms with, and fully excepted the fact that I might not experience these things, and thats ok. But I have not been able to find a new dream to chase, or passion to follow that enlists the same type of fundamental fulfillment in me. I worry I never will. Many people around me have felt that it is their duty to bring my, at times big emotions, and character flaws to my attention. This has happened many times. I am fully aware of how others feel I should behave emotionally, or how they would like me to behave. Now though, I can struggle to know if, and when, I can or should, trust my own judgement. This in turn does not help my issues with confidence and self worth.....Sigh! I'm out of characters, so I'll wrap it up there for now. Thanks for listening. x

Lucyinthesky marriage breakdown and don't know what to do
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Have been married to my husband for 9yrs (together for 17yrs) and we have 2 beautiful young children. But things haven't been good for many years, we have had lots of other challenges along the way (work-related, health, deaths in the family etc) and... View more

Have been married to my husband for 9yrs (together for 17yrs) and we have 2 beautiful young children. But things haven't been good for many years, we have had lots of other challenges along the way (work-related, health, deaths in the family etc) and have stumbled along but now it really feels like there is no future together. It is at the point where we can hardly stand to be in the same room together, there is no intimacy and I hate how he is sometimes with our son, he can be so strict and venomous towards him when he is naughty and it breaks my heart (I am crying as I type this!) There are trust issues too, I don't think he has actually cheated on me but I found messages on his phone related to a hook up site (when I was 7m pregnant with our second child) and a couple of weeks ago found that he had a condom in his wallet; when I confronted him about it he pretty much turned it around on me and said he didnt see why I'd be bothered anyway as we don't have any intimacy anymore. I have told him things cannot go on like this and we are miserable all the time, I have suggested counselling (both as a couple and individually) but he shows no interest. We are in a tricky situation in that we are from overseas and are currently in the process of applying for permanent visas, and have no family (or really close friends) here. Sometimes I wonder if he is just hanging on until our visas are accepted (as it is based on my job rather than him) and then he will leave. I feel so helpless. I cannot bear to think that this is how our lives will be from now on, but with 2 small children and the fact we do not have support around us, cannot see an easy way to separate, especially as I am not in a position to be able to work and look after our children on my own (not that he would want that, he has said he would never want to lose contact with his children). I have found myself looking at accommodation nearby so that maybe we can take it in turns to have space apart, but not sure we can afford this....feel trapped and so low I feel if we didn't have the kids I would have walked out long ago. Has anyone been through similar or have any advice? Even just typing this out feels like a bit of a relief, so thanks for reading....

single_mum_extraordinaire Feeling emotional and angry
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Hi All, I’ve decided to join this forum so I can talk about how I’m feeling to people who don’t know me or my story. 5.5 years ago I separated from my Fiancée and father of my 2 girls aged 5 & 7. It’s been tough but I’ve come this far. We used to do ... View more

Hi All, I’ve decided to join this forum so I can talk about how I’m feeling to people who don’t know me or my story. 5.5 years ago I separated from my Fiancée and father of my 2 girls aged 5 & 7. It’s been tough but I’ve come this far. We used to do shared agreement so 50/50 but 12 months ago I took them full time. He has moved to a good 50km from me and the girls with his now fiancée (2 year relationship) and is barely around to help out or be at any schooling events for the girls. I feel like when we decided on me having them full time he would still assist and be there but he isn’t. I feel stuck because I have put my whole life on hold, I have sacrificed so much, I am missing out on things I want to do because I’m raising these girls on my own. I’m emotional and angry at everyone around me because they’re happy, they’re doing great things, they have great relationships, loving normal families, great jobs and here I am just getting through each week financially and emotionally. Am I supposed to feel like this forever? Will things ever get easier. If you’d asked me at 21 where I seen myself at 31, it wouldn’t be here. This isn’t what I planned.

PauloF Girlfriend lives overseas - what do I do?
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I’m from Australia and a girl from Germany come here on a working holiday. We hit it off pretty fast and cut a long story short we were dating while she was here. She then left to travel Australia for 2 months which we kept constant contact. When she... View more

I’m from Australia and a girl from Germany come here on a working holiday. We hit it off pretty fast and cut a long story short we were dating while she was here. She then left to travel Australia for 2 months which we kept constant contact. When she come back nothing had changed and things had gotten better between us and we decided to try long distance. She has now been back in Germany 2 months and wants me to go visit her around September which is the time I could get off work. I’m worried about going to visit her because I’d have to stay at her family home with her parents and I’m not sure if they would appreciate that all that much. I plan to move to London within the next year to work for a while so we were going to keep the relationship going and then possibly look at other options in terms of moving to where the other one lives if we are still going strong. She insists she likes me a lot and really wants it to work and is pushing me to go over and I want to I’m just worried about such a big trip in case something goes wrong plus the massive cultural difference between Australia and Germany and the obvious fact I cannot speak German. Could someone please give me any advice. I really like this girl and feel a real connection. Thanks