I left my marriage for him and he went back to his marriage

[Hurtinginsilence]

Hi everyone this is so hard to write as I have so much to explain and no energy to explain as I'm hurting, I was married and It wasn't a healthy marriage - my husband neglected me and emotionally was abusive... I had an old crush message me via internet and we started what was an emotional affair ... he was also married and un happy we both have kids to our husband/wife. Things turned up after months of being emotionally reliant on one another, it turned physical and we would risk seeing each other late at night after work or briefly on weekends at the shops ect, I left my marriage for him, got a rental left all my furniture to my husband, my lover left his wife and moved in with his parents not too long after, his ex has power over him (their kids) that she use so to bring him back to the house (two times he has ended it with me and gone back to the house to be with his kids and he comes back after a week or so totally hurt because she's controlling him and he loves me) he's recently ended it with me but on the basis that he can't handle being away from his kids and he doesn't want them to think he abandoned them for his own happiness .... he's torn but his kids come first... none of my friends or family know my situation so I feel my heart is shattered and I can't even reach out to vent and I'm still in love with this man, what do I do if he leaves her again (for good) and how would I know it's for good... can I trust him... we have been vey honest and real with each other even confessing when we slept with our husband or wife and sharing how we felt about it ect... he's not lied to me.... so I trust him still.... tell me am I crazy and alone? Has anyone ever been in his situation or similar and ended up dumped and alone? Or has it ended up with u and ur lover being together and sticking through it hard times and all? Please help I'm a broken mess with a poker face on infront of my friends!

[Croix]

Dear Hurtinginsilence~

I'm afraid you are in a pretty horrible place and I don't think I have much in the way of words of comfort, not as things stand.

Escaping from a bad marriage is understandable, and finding love with someone else quite natural. The problem is commitment. By giving up your home and marriage you have made a substantial commitment to your lover. You don't mention what is happening to your kids, but it is something else where you have made a great sacrifice.

At the start it looked as if he had made a similar commitment to you, leaving home for his parents' place. However he has twice gone back. In some ways the reasons don't matter - though they are very understandable.

What does matter is that you are in second place, and after two attempts likely to remain that way. Perhaps one return might be regarded as a learning experience, two would be too much for me . I would never have that trust necessary for a complete relationship.

I'm only telling you what you already know I think. Any long term relationship - a partnership - is built on trust, kindness, honesty, the desire to look after and nurture one's partner. In such situations the partner has to come first.

There is a great temptation to think things will change, that by some sort of magic the obstacles will be overcome and all will turn out OK. I'm afraid where his kids are involved that is not going to happen and if he thinks being with his wife at home is the best thing for them - and has told you so, then I regret to say I'd consider the matter over.

It may be possible he will change his mind again, which I guess is what you are trying to prepare for. If you were to accept him back them you would probably be consigning yourself to one -or more - episodes the same as in the past as he would in all probability go back again, due to the same factors that pulled him back before.

The only scenario I would find acceptable, if it was me, is if he proved his intention and resolve by completing all stages of a divorce first, moving out and then approaching you.

Please have a look around this Forum for others with similar problems and how they coped. A good starting point might be the thread

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/suicidal-thoughts-and-self-harm/i-am-the-'other-woman'-and-i'm-not-evil-

I'm sorry I don't have more hopeful words for you. Please post again and say how you are going

Croix

[Hurtinginsilence]

Croix thankyou so much for taking the time to reply to my post, If im completely honest I feel like a fool. My lover made me to believe he would be here and we would end up together he even said I was the woman of his dreams, he built me up so high with his words and that is why I feel I've fallen so hard since he vanished😞 I haven't heard from him in 4 days - I'm understanding that he misses his kids as I'm sure that's broken him in some way. I'm at a loss for words right now.. I feel like such a fool for trusting he would be here for me! He had just started introducing me to his friends and we had plans for him to meet mine soon, I've got so many questions in my head.... like did he really love me or did he just love how I made him feel because his wife no longer made him feel that way? I've not contacted him even tho I truely want an explanation for what happened... seeing him with her had my heart racing and I was just swamped with hurt and I've not been able to think of anything else but him. My arrangement with my ex to have kids works out that I see them every day except one a fortnight so I was fortunate to still have my kids so often, my lovers ex tried to make it nearly impossible for him... allowing him to only see them when he visited also with her /staying for a meal or putting them to bed at her house.... she had him still paying for her full mortgage and bills... he said it was the right thing to do as she didn't earn enough to support the kids on her income alone... she has had all this power over him with his kids and their house.... I just wish i had a fair playing field to battle on for our love for one another, there's something inside me that wants to tell her he's been with me for over a year now and that he's been unfaithful... I guess that's the hurt speaking... but I know it will damage him if she takes away his kids so instead I sit here in silence dreaming of a way he will find a way for us to be together and his kids still be able to be in his life. What do I do to move on? I'm almost scared I'll move on and he'll be ready... divorced and waiting to start us.... so many things are going through my head... maybe if I was prettier? I'm getting breast implants this year... maybe after then I'll be enough? My self esteem was built back up by him and he's smashed it again by choosing to go back to her. He says men have no rights when it comes to custody and it's the only way he can be a good father... surely there's some hope still?

[Hurtinginsilence]

Also what do I say if he contacts me again?

[JessF]

Hello Hurtinginsilence,

It feels like you’re looking for answers at the moment, and understandably so. When we love someone, all logic can go out the window. We put on the rose tinted glasses and see only their good side, and blot out all the negatives.

Falling in love with someone who is not available, either because they are married, or don’t return the feelings, or lives far away, creates difficulties from the start because there is a conflict between what you want and what is possible.

There’s a lot of thoughts running through your head in your two posts, questions you’re asking yourself, and these are things you will need to run through in your own time and answer. I don’t believe I’m speaking out of turn by saying that none of us here can make these decisions for you.

I will pick up on one comment that you made in your last main post, “My self esteem was built back up by him and he's smashed it again by choosing to go back to her.”

Perhaps take some time to consider what the effect is on your life long term by allowing your self-esteem to be entirely at the behest of someone else. How much control does that give you over your life, and your goals for the future, if your entire self value is based on another person?

Coming from a marriage that you describe as neglectful and emotionally abusive, and now another relationship in which you are not “number one”, I wonder how much value you place upon yourself and your own needs.

[velvetfaerie]

Hey there.

I want you to know you are not alone. I am embroiled in a slightly similar situation, (divorce is proceeding though on his part and things are changing but the games and chaos ARGH!). His situation is so tedious and so forth it is near on impossible at the moment. But I am just doing my thing. At the end of the day he knows I am one foot out of the door. I am patient, yes. I am understanding, yes. I also know my worth, even though at the moment I don't feel it as much. But I am being selfish. I am not bending to accommodate him. I am not gratifying him in any way shape or form UNTIL I feel it reciprocated.

To be built up so high and to be getting the crumbs and never be important yet be the love of their life? = I just wanted you to know I understand exactly how you feel. My story is long and tedious and a bit different but fundamentally, those same feelings are generated, I understand. **hug**.

And every word by Jesse ! Great post.

My humble advice = focus on you. Be selfish. After all, that is exactly what he is doing right?

**Many hugs**

Velv.

X

[Hurtinginsilence]

Would love to hear your story! Thankyou for understanding me - feels so lonely

[Hurtinginsilence]

My self esteem has taken a blow many times and I don't even know what I want to do with my life - self confessed relationship queen I always put others before myself

[JessF]

Hello Hurtinginsilence, I know what you mean about feeling so beaten down that after a while you lose your sense of self entirely. One thing that you do find out from this process though is what you DON'T want. Writing this down - and then next to it writing the exact opposite of that thing - can be a good kick starter because it forces you to think in a new way. What do you think might change in your life if you started putting yourself first for a change?

[Hurtinginsilence]

I'd get a different career and get the. Rest augmentation I've dream of of having since I had my kids! I had a consultation today for the surgery it's something to look forward to at least!