Advice Anyone?

[Questions_]

Hi,

I've been trying to make sense of my marriage and what I should do.

In a nutshell, my wife and I have been married for 11 years. We have known each other most of our lives and have two beautiful children. Five months ago I suspected she was in an emotional affair with one of the single Dad's at school. Over this time, it has been confirmed she has feelings for him but wouldn't cheat on me as she is married. She mentions she wants us to work and that she loves me but not in love with me.

She tells me me she is confused and doesn't know what she wants. My obvious thought is what have I done wrong - is it me, is it my fault. I am in a high profiled job, spend tremendous time with the family, take her to amazing events and am very affectionate and loving towards her. And she recognises that. However, the spark for some reason has vanished. For five months I put up with the situation at school until I finally confronted him on the issue. As a result, he has cuts ties with her (communication wise) and she now resents me for doing so. Her argument is that I am forcing who she can and can not talk too, yet on the other hand tells me she has feelings for him.

I have threatened many times to walk away, but she says to give her one last chance to try and make it work. Friends and family can not even fathom why she is so confused. To make matters worse, when we talk about it, she shuts down, doesn't speak and gets angry. Counseling won't work because, as she states, there is nothing more I can do - she needs to work it out.

As it stands right now, we both agree we want to try and work this out (but this is the same conversation we have had 40+ times before). My concern is as she doesn't open up to me, and is confused of the situation, I really don't know where I stand. It is heart breaking as I am in constant purgatory. I know time may bring us back together and I should give her some space to sort things out whilst (no matter how I'm feeling) being supportive. Separation won't work as I'm the type of person that would need to move on. Something I think she also recognises. It almost feels like she is wanting me to make the decision for her.

Oh and as a side note. This guy is a single dad who has done time in prison for assault - we couldn't be any more chalk and cheese.

I would be interested to hear from anyone else that has had this happen to them and what steps they took to move forward?

Confused.

[smallwolf]

Hi Questions,

welcome to beyond blue.

This situation sounds quite overwhelming for you. As you said, you do not really know where you stand. While I have not been in the position you are in, there have been occasions where I have been prompted by my psychologist to the talk to my wife about some situation. What my psychologist tells me is make sure that I frame the issues in terms of "I". And you have done already done this in your post above...

I really don't know where I stand. It is heart breaking as I am in constant purgatory.

When you said that counselling would not work, is that you or your wife speaking? If it were your wife there is nothing wrong with you speaking with a counsellor or similar on how to handle the situation.

One last question - when you said...

To make matters worse, when we talk about it,

what is 'it'? Is it this specific incident or something else.

I want you to know that I am listening and hope to hear from you again.

Tim

[Questions_]

Thanks Tim

The reference I make - when we talk about it - I am referring to us as a couple not the situation.

I'm already seeing someone (professional) to cope with the anxiety and depressed nature this has put me in.

I think overall, I'm just disappointed that it has come to this.

[Doolhof]

Hi Questions,

Relationships can sometimes be very confusing! I find them to be that way occasionally.

Is there an opportunity for your wife to join you at one of the sessions you have?

A couples counsellor may be able to offer you both suggestions.

Is it possible to ask your wife what it is that she saw attractive and inviting in this other guy and is it possible for her to find ways to have greater fulfilment in her life as it is now without him?

The grass can look a lot greener on the other side of the fence. Something new can seem very interesting and intriguing.

Could you encourage your wife to write down what she would like to change in her life, what would make her feel better and then consider how you can achieve those ideas together.

Maybe she feels like there is something missing, yet she might not know right now what that thing is.

Sometimes feeling loved, cared for, needed, appreciated and accepted makes us all feel like our lives at ticking along nicely. It sounds like this balance has been tipped up for you both.

Hope you can find ways to work together and move on.

Cheers from Dools

[Questions_]

Update: We are now separated and getting a divorce - living under the same roof

I have searched the internet looking for answers and can not find like minded individuals.

In short, my wife asked me for a divorce 4 weeks ago. Still really don't know why, she has an amazing life (works part time), we have two amazing children, we are financially stable and I was emotionally and psychically there for her. All of which she agrees to. She simply said she fell out of love with me and wants us to go our separate ways. I think there maybe someone else, but she denies this. For the record, I don't drink, take drugs, was ever abusive or have a criminal record. I am financially successful and had a good work balance with family and children. We had been married for 10 years - together 14yrs.

Since then, it has been full steam ahead with lawyers and property listings. Most of which she is coordinating. I have found myself to have fallen into a deep well of self loathing of which I can not seem to get myself out of. I can I add here, there is NOTHING online that can assist men through this situation. Most sites provide advice, of which, if they were in the situation themselves, know very well you just don't feel like doing.

To make my matter worse, as we have many properties, we have to live under the same roof until they are sold, releasing us from mortgages and investments. We don't talk to each other, live in separate rooms and the kids have alternated sleeping with us since the split. On one hand, I'm so angry and disappointed in her but on the other hand I miss her terribly. It is if a switch has been turned off in her mind and she has become robotic - not showing any emotion. Now I know she moved on long ago, but its four weeks on and I'm struggling with emotions badly.

I am seeing someone (psychiatrist) but i feel it is not helping. Some days are OK, but I then have go to events (via work) we traditionally would go together to and I just want to curl up into a ball and

cry. With each day the realization we are over is sinking in and all i want her to do is come back to me.
I am so terribly

sad all the time and no matter what I do, where I go, try new things, I can not seem to get out of this funk.
Advice anyone????

[smallwolf]

Hi Questions,

Even though you might be living together there is still the loss of a marriage to deal with. I read that you said you are seeing a psychiatrist but that has not been helping that much. I have been seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist for 2 years now, and bit by bit slowing getting there. I am not there yet but progress is slow. I guess I am asking that you allow yourself time to get better (whatever that means for you). Again, and I am talking about myself here, there are times when I came out of a session and felt worse.

I don't necessarily think anyone would get over a marriage of 11 years in the space of a few weeks.The time it takes to get over things, or in this case your marriage breakup is unique to each individual. Please try not to be hard on yourself if you are not "out of this funk". It is a question you could ask your psychiatrist?

Tim

[Jackie200012]

Hey,

You both sound like decent people. How about you try and volunteer somewhere together? whether it be for conservation or anything really. Connect with the nature together? Run a marathon together? Go on hikes together? Try and steer life to a new and different direction for a bit, and when both of you try these new ways and explore bigger things together -- it'll give you a chance to bond deeply once again.

You can only try and make this work.

And I'd like to share this line with you - that perceptions change people's behaviour, try and get the perspectives in the scenario clear and if this doesn't work, as i said see if you can bring new concepts (like volunteering/fitness/anything you think'll be fun to try out) in?

Take care bud -- it'll take some time for negative feelings to dry out but take the right steps and you both will be back on track