Relationship and family issues

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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

All discussions

Burdy Reconnecting with father after 30 years, should I?
  • replies: 7

As some of you may have read in my previous thread, I have recently come to terms with being raised by my mother who has undiagnosed NPD. I have decided that for my own health and well being it is time for me to cease contact with her and through thi... View more

As some of you may have read in my previous thread, I have recently come to terms with being raised by my mother who has undiagnosed NPD. I have decided that for my own health and well being it is time for me to cease contact with her and through this process some other issues have bubbled up to the surface which I am dealing with quite well with the support of my amazing husband. one of those issues is whether or not to contact my biological father after so many years. As I now understand it he was parentally alienated by my mother, I remember that he did attempt contact with me for some years but I was a bit brain washed into believing he had essentially abandoned us and only made contact when he felt like it etc etc, so at age 15ish I myself to him to leave off and never contact me again (with mother standing behind me while I was on the phone). Yet he continued to try and make contact, admittedly only once a year or so but makes me now think he tried as he could whilst being blocked by my mother and never just went away and forgot about us. My questions around contacting him are now that I understand what happened I feel I owe him an apology of sorts for assisting my mother to push him out of my life. But at the same time I don't really know this man, he is a stranger to me. Also, what effect will my contacting him have on him and his family? Will it be hurtful to him as he has maybe found peace in getting on with his life with his new family? I did contact him about 15 yrs ago when I first started to question my mothers motives, we met for a drink and he seemed happy to see me. He was open and honest and answered all my questions but at that time I was still somewhat under my mothers spell and got into a lot of trouble by contacting him (even though I was 30 yr old adult) so the meeting was just that 2 hour drink and I have not had any contact since. I don't feel like he is missing from my life as I don't really know him but I do feel like I owe him something as he must have his own questions around why his children rejected him and I realise now it would have been painful for him. Or do I let sleeping dogs lay?

Brent01 My wife wants divorce feeling lost
  • replies: 7

So my wife of 8 years wants a divorce,I'm lost depressed anxious,I have to move out,and my former mother in law is my boss,I'm just so down and don't no what to do

So my wife of 8 years wants a divorce,I'm lost depressed anxious,I have to move out,and my former mother in law is my boss,I'm just so down and don't no what to do

JyeJye I can’t find love
  • replies: 2

Hello My name is Jye I’m 19 and I just cannot find love no girl finds me attractive I don’t know what it is about me like I’m literally extremely loyal I’m so kind to women I’m a little overweight but I’m tall I always cry my self to sleep at night I... View more

Hello My name is Jye I’m 19 and I just cannot find love no girl finds me attractive I don’t know what it is about me like I’m literally extremely loyal I’m so kind to women I’m a little overweight but I’m tall I always cry my self to sleep at night I’m depressed I often think about just quitting I’ve never had love all I want is for someone to care and love me

sadpolly Too trusting or too lonely - again?
  • replies: 4

I feel like I’m eternally trapped in a world of men who view me as an object to pass the time with while they wait for something better to come their way, whilst I stupidly trust them and until it slowly dawns on me what’s happening, and that this na... View more

I feel like I’m eternally trapped in a world of men who view me as an object to pass the time with while they wait for something better to come their way, whilst I stupidly trust them and until it slowly dawns on me what’s happening, and that this naivety actually stems from my loneliness. I think I’m purposefully being blind, because I’m eternally hopeful that they will actually suddenly realise that I’m ‘the one’ and all the dumb fantasies of a trusting relationship will come my way. I turned 50 this year and did a bit of a life revision, and was horrified to realise that everyone I’ve had a relationship with since my early 20s has lied and cheated their way through and out of my life, and I realised this year I haven’t had a longer relationship for 16 years, and in that 16 years the experiences I’ve had putting my trust and body in people’s care have taken an awful toll. Now I’ve recently reconnected with a guy I met a decade ago. We live three hours away from each other so chatting is all online. He was initially helping me with professional advice about something, but it suddenly (and surprisingly for me) swerved into innuendo and suggestion. I felt this was fine if he was interested in something else that was less shallow, which it seemed to be the case as he visited me not long after. But after his visit he said he has “issues” and he can’t be touched or touch anyone, though why he will not reveal. He still contacts me two or three times a day, online. Suggestively. I’m confused and angry and upset. I’ve never been described as a monster to look at. Or a psychopath. Maybe I am? But this behaviour makes me depressed and horrified at myself nonetheless, even though my other half is screaming “bullshit alert” off the scale. Which half of me is right? Am I being played? Again? How many players are out there zeroing in on me? Do I have an “idiot” sign tattooed on my forehead? But when I think to myself that I’m better off by myself again than dealing with all the angst he’s bringing, I feel incredibly alone and worthless and I see my future and my wrinkles and my solitary retirement and I feel no joy in my life anymore.

Guest_9043 New friend does not want to hear about my childhood.
  • replies: 6

I recently made a new friend. We have only known each other for a week so I don't particularly feel very close to her. I have been very supportive and helpful when it has come to her leaving recent Domestic Violence. Currently my world has been throw... View more

I recently made a new friend. We have only known each other for a week so I don't particularly feel very close to her. I have been very supportive and helpful when it has come to her leaving recent Domestic Violence. Currently my world has been thrown upside down again because of my abusive childhood. She says she does not want to know about what I went through in my childhood because it will break her heart. I am too tired to even try understand and I am also in an extremely vulnerable place right now. I told her today that this is part of my life, it does not define all of me but it is part of me. I told her out of respect for her and that she does not wish to hear about it then I cannot talk some days cause I am just not dealing with things well and finding it hard to cope. She said she respects that and will leave me alone on those days. I think I need to consider things a bit here before they go any further. As a result of my abuse as a child I have always struggled with interpersonal relationships. I am learning to now choose my friends wisely and that I do deserve to have good friends because I know I am a good friend and give my 100%. I feel like in the future there is going to be an imbalance here where yet again I will be the one giving everything and getting maybe 50% or less back. I supported her recently nearly everyday with what she is dealing with even though I have so much on my plate right now. I have not known her for long enough at all to have a deep and meaningful with her about what I need. It has been one week and I just refuse. I think I should pull back and let go some more. Not be so readily available. Not because I do not want to be or to play any games at all. I just know what I am facing and dealing with right now and I really do need to be a priority and I do need to come first. I mean to me I am seeing some "red flags". I am dealing with so much at the moment and dealing with the childhood abuse is so very hard. I do not want to fall into a not so good friendship and have that to deal with on top of everything else. Thoughts appreaciated. Kindness needed.

Mamma2019 Post Natal Depression
  • replies: 6

So I have an 8 month old son, I love him to bits and he's a pretty easy baby but since having him I struggle to find any excitement and interest in what I used to to. I rode motorbikes, went to the river and enjoyed water sports, I was very work orie... View more

So I have an 8 month old son, I love him to bits and he's a pretty easy baby but since having him I struggle to find any excitement and interest in what I used to to. I rode motorbikes, went to the river and enjoyed water sports, I was very work orientated. This whole transition into being a mum has hit me like a tonne of bricks, my partner and I are currently building a house and he's balancing a day job and 2 separate businesses so he is constantly busy and stressed and quite absent even when he's at home. It's causing a lot of grief in our relationship, he points the finger at me and clearly states I have issues which I know I do but I feel like once I go back to work in the new year and our house is built and he is around more I might feel a bit more positive and start feeling normal again, but it's getting to that point that's killing us. He isn't patient with how I feel and I know I say the wrong things but I can't help it, and him snapping at me is making me feel a million times worse. He's offered to look after our son so I can have some "me" time, but I'm finding it so hard to even want to leave them. We might be lucky to have one day a week together and it's spent at home doing nothing because he's so tired from work but I obviously want to be around them so I don't go out. Our relationship and my mental state is suffering, I'm taking my frustration out on my partner and our son and going to the gym or seeing friends during the week isn't helping either. I have no options, I can't force being positive and happy.

Femto Moving on from a messy situation
  • replies: 3

It’s been two months since breaking up with her and I’m struggling to move on, I don’t like to admit it but I still want to be with her. We had been together for over three years. I think about her daily. What is she doing right now? Has she moved on... View more

It’s been two months since breaking up with her and I’m struggling to move on, I don’t like to admit it but I still want to be with her. We had been together for over three years. I think about her daily. What is she doing right now? Has she moved on from me? Is she dating? How is she feeling? Does she think about me? 5-6 months ago we broke up for a couple of weeks and got back together for a couple weeks, then went on a break for a couple months and then got back together for a couple weeks and then broke up. During the break she was sexually intimate with another person, which to me felt like she cheated on me. We never really spoke about what the break entailed, I just thought it was a given that when you go on a break that you refrain from doing that stuff until you've come to a decision. It hurt me a lot. The most recent time we broke up was mainly because she said that she was really weak minded and didn’t want to hurt me, though at that moment of time she wanted to be in a relationship, so it was hard for both of us. Clearness is something I needed from a relationship, and I don’t regret that we broke up. I said mainly but there is also the fact that she may still of had feelings for another person. That was the factor that initiated the first break up we had from several months back. She hadn’t talked to him for a couple of months so I think she was uncertain what she felt for him? ( btw this is a different person of who she was intimate during the break. Often I try to remind myself of why we broke up in the first place. But there’s a problem with this strategy, because it makes me also think “what if.” What if she no longer has feelings for that person? What if she can see things clearer now and wants to be in a relationship with me again? I used to create discussions inside me head where I would reject her after asking to be in a relationship again due to feeling bitter and not in control. I’m going to a psychologist. I’m also going for anxiety and self esteem related issues, which is what we’ve mostly been discussing of late during our sessions. I think maybe part of the reason why I have this compulsion when it comes to my ex is that my current life is kinda empty. I don’t have a job, I currently volunteer at an op shop in town two days a week. As of now I don’t really find much meaning in everyday life. I know in the moments when I do find meaning my mind feels a lot more free and doesn’t get these obtrusive thoughts about my ex.

alfa_star Guy seems like model citizen but clearly has avoidant attachment issues towards women - how to approach/help him?
  • replies: 19

Hi all, met him through work, polite, confident, bit shy, great listener, genuinely wanting his clients to get value from his service (job is professional), several signs of suppressing neg. emotions. We kinda connected. Asked him to catch up for 'st... View more

Hi all, met him through work, polite, confident, bit shy, great listener, genuinely wanting his clients to get value from his service (job is professional), several signs of suppressing neg. emotions. We kinda connected. Asked him to catch up for 'strictly business' dinner, he misunderstood and took as date. He was very different, over-confident, well-rehearsed list of 'screening' questions about my dating preferences, humble-bragging, fishing for compliments, careful to not reveal too much. Clear signs of hidden low self-worth I think. He mentioned only toxic on/off 2 relationships of 1.5-2 yrs each, blamed women for being too controlling. At least one of those ended many years ago so seems strange he mentioned it. I also think they were engaged but never married. Possible traumatic heartbreak? Travels nationally/overseas for work most days each week. Very unsettled, lifestyle seems like endless escape. Has almost no online presence (i.e. social media), we don't have shared contacts, I can't verify his statements. I decided to assume he's a typical 'player' with women in every town - I put my walls up. Since found out that some of the info I didn't believe is actually true. Attractive, nearly 50, lives alone, never married, no kids. Huge family in US he seems close to, his siblings married for 20-30 yrs with mostly adult kids. Christian schooling, family living those values still. Older siblings and parents all high achieving in work/school, he perhaps struggled bit more, it's possible he felt/was made to feel like he wasn't measuring up to expectations. Siblings probably not still living at home when he was in high school. Yearbooks reveal he wasn't in in-crowd but very involved in extra-curricular activities: various team sports, 2 Christian community service clubs, new student peer counselor, marching band, chess & language clubs etc. Then BA and MA, good unis, financially well off, still plays sports competitively, surf lifesaver, donates to friends' fundraisers, job is broadly about helping people be/do better in life/work. Clearly cares about people around. Nothing in this screams asshole/bad person - except how he relates to women is in complete contrast! No obvious trauma except maybe the failed engagement or missing out on girls who favored the 'bad boys', or too many girls? Please give me explanations for this discrepancy? How do I get him to trust me and open up? We are not dating. I'd be happy to be just friends until he sorts himself out.

Larlar Struggling with relationship
  • replies: 2

My partner and I have been together 10 years and have 3 kids . My partner decided he needed a break and left 6 weeks ago. He has never been good at contributing any money to the family and does not spend alot of time with me and the kids either .He s... View more

My partner and I have been together 10 years and have 3 kids . My partner decided he needed a break and left 6 weeks ago. He has never been good at contributing any money to the family and does not spend alot of time with me and the kids either .He says he wants to work things out but still constantly choses his mates over us and spends all his money on whatever he wants ( hasn't given anything towards the kids the whole break). I'm finding it very difficult to overcome feelings of disappointment. he won't even consider that he spends too much time out of the house ( 4 sometimes 5 nights out ) . I feel like he thinks we should just slide into his life when it suits him and it's hurtful. I also feel like the suddern need for a break was as a result of me trying to sit and have an adult conversation about needing to stop spending so much money and starting to spend more time as a family.

Lani86 Do depressed ex BFs ever come back?
  • replies: 1

Me and my BF had been together for a really long time, and we had a strong solid relationship. He told me had lost all feelings for all things but wanted to get back to the way things had been. He said he had changed and didn't know if he could chang... View more

Me and my BF had been together for a really long time, and we had a strong solid relationship. He told me had lost all feelings for all things but wanted to get back to the way things had been. He said he had changed and didn't know if he could change back. Just two weeks before he wrote me a really meaningful card for out anniversary, but just 4 days after breaking up with me hooked up with a much younger girl from work and app started a relationship and moved on with her (within 4 days) He says things like he is with her because it's easy to stay in one place, and the relationship has moved faster than he wanted but he had no choice. But then he books and expensive holiday with her. He has made some real big life choices, a big meat and cheese lover has become vegan, someone so money conscious has spent almost half his credit card limit, someone so shy and private announcing his business on social media. He is not seeking help since he left. Is there any coming back from this for us???