Heartbreak with anxiety, depression and a pannic disorder
I don't know where to start but I'll try to keep it short-ish. I tend to waffle.
Came out of a marraige when I was 33, it was over for a long time before we got divorced so it wasn't something I had to grieve. We are still close friends but we had different ideas on life and he didn't love me like I did him. I also didn't find him sexually attractive in any stretch of the imagination. So yeah, was a bit of a shambles. lol. But we came out of it relatively unscathed, no help needed thankflly. No regrets.
34 and I found a new man, eventually moved in together. Exactly what every girl (well, me) had dreamed of A tradie. Tall as, red head, big shoulders, firm botto.. ok I'm becoming carried away. He's a looker, polite, kind, wonderful family, sosilly and not afraid to be so and has a strong stable job and no issue finding another if he needs to change jobs as he used to fifo. And He adored me. Well. I thought so...
36 and the world went to shit. For me. Now, turns out 12 months before my 36th birthday he noticed I'd told him I loved him and my feelings progressed but his didn't. He liked me, found me attractive but that spark didn't grow. So he thought maybe it was time he needed. He'd been in some bad relationships in the past and thought he needed more time. Nope. Even an overseas trip didn't do it. By the tie it came around to Christmas I noticed he'd become more distant and just wasn't into the intimacy like he used to be. But I put it down to his work and life stresses.
January (My birthday is eaarly december, so we are now in January of this year and I am 36) and he pulls away entirely. I have a health issue at the beginning of the year and he becomes so distant itmade recovery hard. He finally spilled the beans one night. Told me how he's been in agony for almost the whole year, just hoping his feelings grow yet his heart breaking at the same time because I am seeking intimacy and he doesn't want to because he feels it was leading me on, hence why he tried so hard to pull away but was totally shit scared of telling me in the fear I would rip his head off his shoulders. We also want different things in life. He's driven by money, I'm driven by happiness.. and let me say the two often don't mesh.
Now he's lucky I am a realist and a talker before I am emotional (my fight or flight is strong when it comes to othersbeing hurting too). We had LONG talks about it. I don't blame him and I feel so bad that he's been trying for so long. I feel bad because he feels bad for hurting me.
The event aside. I am so heart broken. There's no words. So I suffer from depression, anxiety and pannic attacks. All diagnosed. The depression I can work with, anxiety I can do. It's the pannic attacks I can't.. I moved out. I've been in the new place a week now and if I see something unpacking that reminds me of him I either cry hysterically for 2 days or go into mass pannic attack. as in days long pannic. As in effects me working pannic.
What makes me pannic is the idea of him wanting to try again. What if he turns up one day and wants to giveit another shot. I'm so hurt by all this I have no words. Our relationship was anything but perfect and if .. IF through some divinemagic we got back together there's got to besome changes in the way he treats me.
The common sense part of my brain, the realist in me, says and knows it won't happen. We talked at length about how there's no point pushing forth when it'll hurtus in the long run and possibly ruin the friendship we have somehow retained. BUT the pannic and anxiety and depression got togetherin my head and have this little piuty party telling me that he'll want me back, that i'll buckle and shit will go back to how itwas on our worst days and I'll be a ducking miserable, useless, worthless human being (did i mention I also have low self esteem).
Can someone please tell me that things get better. I'm impaitent. I want to not feel hurt in my chest every time I see a text from him or a photo. I want to not freak out and pannic whenhe has to drop some of my things overthat I missed packing. I want to be out of this stupid grieving process. I've gonefrom depression to anger to complete denial. Denial sucks hairy bottoms.
I don't want to go back on meds. I've been off medication for 2 years. After 10 years on. My god this hurts. Some days I'd sell my right leg for a weeks worth just to help me get through. Combine all this shiz with the covid19 virus and not knowing weather i'll be working the next week .. I'm a casual retailer. No pay for me.
I really really liked him. Really. REALLY. We were taking marraige and kids and fixing the house together. My white picket fence dream coming true. Now I wonder in my late 30s if anyone will truly love me. Am I loveable? My greatest fear si to growold woth no children. All I have EVER wanted is to have kids and be married. I did the marraige and now, once again, no man, tickig clock and no children (endometriosis, so yeah, clock ticking for me).
Does the hurt stop.
Hey, you're great with words 🙂
Similar situation here. Feelings all one-sided with a guy who didn't/couldn't feel the same way about me. We broke up (goodo), and my therapist said "but what if he comes back?" and I was so adamant that he wouldn't, that I refused to participate in her "what if" scenario and make a solid plan of how to handle it. Unfortunately, I should have, because he did, and it was terrible, horrible, and hurty, and just dragged the pain out basically.
So my advice to your lovely, worthwhile, wonderful, amazing self is to make that plan for "what if?". What will you do? What will you say? How will you handle it in a way that loves and protects you?
Want more advice? Sever all contact and get rid of those things that remind you of him. Then sit down and make a list of all the reasons not to get back together. No matter how small. Your brain at this time is hardwired to put on rose coloured glasses and that's not good for anyone. These things have really helped me. I read this advice online, and unlike the last time we split up, I wanted to take care of me, instead of melting into a pot of self-pity. Yes, the hurt will stop.
May I also be so bold as to suggest there are other ways to have kids. Marriage doesn't have a deadline, but kids do. If that's a path you want to go down, don't leave it too late like I did.
Sending you a giant hug, cos heartbreak is definitely unfun xo