Everybody hates me
It's a pretty dramatic title but I really do swear by it. When it comes to family, everybody ignores me. Everybody undermines me. If I ever say anything to my dad, it turns into a debate where I'm called ignorant in whichever way he chooses to say it that day.
I'm also already very anxious. It's like I know how to be social but I'm so anxious in public that I can't actually speak properly. I can't breathe properly. So yeah, I'm already working with low self-esteem and then I'm constantly snubbed by those close to me and only ever paid attention to when I get frustrated because of it (and of course that attention is negative). It just seems like a vicious cycle; I try to have a proper conversation in what should be a pretty decent environment but end up feeling worse about myself. And then when I talk to friends, or try to cope in public, I feel like I can't even muster up the energy to be any fun to have around or keep a mildly engaging conversation. I sat at a table the other day and felt like a complete fool because I could hardly even say a word or look at anyone around me.
Sorry this is a bit all over the place, and I definitely intend to seek actual professional help, but I'm just wondering if there's any advice to be given. A bit of context, I'm early 20s and definitely should be seeing someone regarding anxiety and potential depression. I have a job at which I function fine enough but it comes back to the "I KNOW how to act socially appropriate" but I'm too anxious so I still present as a bit 'off'? I mean at least I can show up there. I've mentioned a few times to my mum, especially when I was younger, that I'm very anxious. That's always been what she said to me; "you can show up to work, though". She never says it in a mean way, more like she thinks she's complimenting me. It makes me feel like she doesn't understand at all.
I'm also a university student and I'm REALLY struggling there. I'm struggling because I don't want to sit in a class with some 30 other people because it's HARD. It's draining and I end up feeling upset because I feel like a failure. I can't pay enough attention so I miss important information. I don't like getting to uni because I have to catch the train and I can't sit there without breathing heavily and trying to avoid eye contact.
Again, I don't really know what help I'm seeking here. Just anything, I suppose, because I feel like everything is getting worse.
You definitely sound like you're surrounded by people who share one common trait or fault. Sounds like they have an issue with paying attention. You, on the other hand, sound very different; you pay a lot of attention to the people around you, to the point where you've got them all pretty well sussed out.
Your dad's approach, referring to you as ignorant in a variety of ways, leads me to think he's ignoring the value of what you have to offer. His loss. I know a couple of folk like this. It can be really challenging to have a conversation with them, especially about global topics/current affairs. They're seriously like carbon copies of their fathers (I've met their fathers). Much prefer my group of 'go to' people when it comes to having my mind opened more and them wanting the same experience. In my opinion, this is how we evolve.
I imagine what you're looking for from your mum is constructive guidance, as opposed to basic reassurance. Reassurance is enough, in some cases. In other cases, a constructive management plan is what we really need. It's good that you're putting a plan in place - setting your self up to see a professional who can offer the guidance and self understanding you're looking for.
Sensitive people can definitely have sensory challenges. Some find it difficult to make eye contact (too much visual sensory input), some can find it difficult to cope with noise. Personally, I fall into the 2nd category. Places where there are a lot of people all talking at once can really challenge me, like food courts. There's absolutely nothing wrong with be sensitive and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Being sensitive has its perks. Highly sensitive people are typically highly intuitive. It's the people around them who tend to override their intuition. It's definitely a challenge to maintain faith in yourself and go with the flow of your own intuition.
Another major challenge with being sensitive is - being easily drained by people. Whilst I'm a strong advocate when it come to bringing people to life, there are plenty out there who don't realise just how draining they can be. Not saying I'm perfect myself but I try to remain conscious of whether I'm raising people or draining them.
By the time you get to class, there's a possibility you're completely exhausted (tired with an inability to concentrate) or maybe class is simply boring/further draining you. Are you getting restorative sleep? Any natural energy boosters you can think of?