Relationship and family issues

My Wife of 23 years is having an affair

replies: 13

With COVID I was out of work for 6 months. Worrying about money I got a bit snappy and put on some weight (I am never aggressive or shout). I stopped working on projects around the house and watched a lot of TV. I have always been the money maker, th... View more

With COVID I was out of work for 6 months. Worrying about money I got a bit snappy and put on some weight (I am never aggressive or shout). I stopped working on projects around the house and watched a lot of TV. I have always been the money maker, the strong one in the team. My wife is included in all our decisions, but I am a strong personality and she generally takes my lead. About 5 months ago she met an old male school friend (let’s call him B). I did query her when they got together every week and chatted online all the time, but my wife told me B was going through a tough time and she was helping. 3 weeks ago, her behaviour changed. She started to dress sexy going out. With a laugh asked if I should be worried – she smiled and said no. Following my gut, I read her phone while she was in the shower. They talked about the sex, what they would do next week once I was “out of the way” (that hurt), and worse – how much they loved each other. This was not just sex but a romance. I wrote my wife a letter saying I knew what was going on. Obviously, this was something she felt she needed. It was not my place to tell her what to do but I still loved her very much (and always will), but I did want her to be honest; to know what was going on and where we went from here. I was careful not to lay blame or guilt. We spoke that night and she told me that what she wanted is US. The last six months had been hard for her. She knew I loved her, but she did not feel desirable. The affair was not planned, and B had said he did not want to come between us. She wanted to fix everything. But in the 3 days since then I know she has not told him anything. Its ‘all on’ for her though she is now hiding her texting to the bathroom. Her telling me one thing and doing another is what is killing me. I was not sleeping well the last 3 weeks but now I am lucky to get 3 hours a night. Did I do the right thing? Am I being too understanding or forgiving? If I fight for her will I show her that I love her or push her away? Does she just need a little time – I am not sure how long I can last like this so I thought I would reach out for some help from others. I’m always the one people ask for help and I always turned to her – now I find myself alone.

Narcissistic mother

replies: 2

I’m a middle aged woman living in NSW. All my life I’ve clashed with my mother. Currently she’s not talking to me because I decided to marry my partner of 7 yrs without asking for her input. My partner and I just decided and then sent my parents an i... View more

I’m a middle aged woman living in NSW. All my life I’ve clashed with my mother. Currently she’s not talking to me because I decided to marry my partner of 7 yrs without asking for her input. My partner and I just decided and then sent my parents an invite. For context, my partner is a female. She’s my first serious relationship with a woman and I adore her. My mother has tried to control me my whole life by shaming and embarrassing me by telling her friends about my virginity, lifting my t shirt g ThI show my dad my first bra and then calling me a horrible name when I sat cross legged. At 17 I applied to university to escape her. I was young and poor, so I started working as a prostitute. Finally I had money and could concentrate on my studies. II earned an Honours degree in education, then I earned a bachelor of nursing, bought a house and 2 new cars. I now work as a nurse and am quite senior now. Unfortunately when I was young my mother found out I was working by breaking into my locked wardrobe and all hell broke loose! She called my father and they sat outside my house blocking my drive way for days until I called the police so I could get out. We were estranged for 10 ys. We’ve never really addressed our strained relationship because I don’t want her to know too much about me because she constantly criticising me and bringing up the past but in a sneaky way. Like she has a little dig at me all the time. I recently invited her to my wedding reluctantly but now my brother tells me she’s been telling him all about me calling the police on her 30 years ago! And she’s stopped talking to me since the invite. I can’t bring myself to talk to her and I feel she’s narcissistic and don’t want her to know anything about me. I feel really sad that we have never been close. Sometimes I think she’s jealous and in competition with me. I have come around to accept that my mother doesn’t love me and is still trying to embarrass and control me by telling my brother about me working as a prostitute and calling the police so I could get out of my driveway. My brother told me that my mother feels hurt about that but in the past 30 years we’ve stayed at each other’s homes and gone overseas together. I don’t understand why she is trying to embarrass and control after all these years. Oh and she’s homophobic and racist. I’m nothing like her because my partner is female and Chinese. I’d just like some thoughts from others about my situation. Thanking you in advance. X

Husband has asked for Separation

replies: 5

Hi I am new to this. I think I posted a reply elsewhere but am not quite sure what I am doing. My husband asked for a separation a couple of days ago. It is well and truly over, wedding bands taken off today. He has told me he is not in love with me ... View more

Hi I am new to this. I think I posted a reply elsewhere but am not quite sure what I am doing. My husband asked for a separation a couple of days ago. It is well and truly over, wedding bands taken off today. He has told me he is not in love with me anymore and that we have grown apart. We have nothing in common and dont like to do the same things. Our marriage did become very "going through the motions" and there was not much intimacy anymore. I believe this trigger has come from a friend of his who is female and has the same interests as him, they are quite close and he did spend alot of time there over the past 13 years helping out with their farm. She is into all the same things he is like 4wd , camping etc and I am not. With covid and not being able to help them out with the restrictions he told me he misses her. It has always been my worst fear that he would leave me for her. He has told me he is not and that is not his intention at all and he has never been unfaithful in anyway. I still plays on my mind. I am so distraught as I do love him, I dont know if I am still in love with him or the idea of still being in love with him because it is comfortable. I am so scared to adult on my own, even organising internet connection makes me cry. Some advise would be really helpful please Thanks

How much strain has Corona Virus put on your relationship ?

replies: 8

Hi Everyone, Thinking of everyone who is in Victoria right now, I have alot of family there and I do worry for their mental health whilst they are locked down for 6 weeks. Daniel Andrews said they can get fresh air from their front door which is sad ... View more

Hi Everyone, Thinking of everyone who is in Victoria right now, I have alot of family there and I do worry for their mental health whilst they are locked down for 6 weeks. Daniel Andrews said they can get fresh air from their front door which is sad to think about. Corona Virus has made some MASSIVE economic impacts around the world, but some of the biggest issues are within the house hold. How is everyone dealing with their families? Have issues risen that where avoidable before because you had freedom to go about your daily lives? Billiee

Timshel

replies: 26

Hello out there, It’s 4am and once again I am really struggling to sleep which means I will now be wrecked tomorrow and will probably end up sleeping half the day away. I have many problems in my life at the moment. Serious relationship issues in a 2... View more

Hello out there, It’s 4am and once again I am really struggling to sleep which means I will now be wrecked tomorrow and will probably end up sleeping half the day away. I have many problems in my life at the moment. Serious relationship issues in a 28 year marriage, parenting issues with my 15 year old son, a long history with anxiety, anxiety disorder and depression which has only been exasperated by the above mentioned family issues. I am not coping, just getting by (barely). I have no family out here in Oz and no close friends out here any more who I feel I can open up to. I have become increasingly isolated and alone and lonely even though I am in a ‘marriage of sorts’ and have a son. The in-laws aren’t close so I don’t see much of them. I have occasional professional help and have contacted Lifeline in types of great distress. But they can only talk for certain periods of time and I have to retell my story each time, a story which keeps evolving and changing all the time as more and more problems arise. I am so tired physically and emotionally and have been for so many years now. Mental Health issues are enough to cope with alone but all the family issues and lack of support on top of that have broken me completely. No relief in sight.......can anyone relate?

Rebuilding a broken father/daughter relationship

replies: 1

Hi Everyone, In the past I’ve used this forum to vent, but this time I actually need some advice. Just a little background, I have diagnosed anxiety and have been on medication on and off for the past 5 years (on at the moment). I’ve been estranged f... View more

Hi Everyone, In the past I’ve used this forum to vent, but this time I actually need some advice. Just a little background, I have diagnosed anxiety and have been on medication on and off for the past 5 years (on at the moment). I’ve been estranged from my father for almost 5 years, but our relationship has been rocky for at least 10 years. I’m an only child, my parents divorced when I was 5, and both remarried when I was young. A variety of reasons led to us no longer talking, mainly I felt as though he never picked me or put me first, everything was always more important than me and when I turned 18 I reached my emotional limit. When coronavirus started getting worse, my dad called me. I couldn’t answer out of sheer shock, but we’ve been texting back and forth for the last few months. I took a big step and reached out to organise a lunch, just me and him. He agreed and now I’m freaking out. Sooooo much has happened in my life over the last 5 years, and it feels extremely overwhelming thinking about telling him about all of it. I’m not going to tell him everything at once, but it’s all flooding to my head, as well as all the things that I’d have to get of my chest in order for us to move forward. Everyone keeps asking what I’m wanting out of this, and to be honest I have no idea. I’d like some kind of relationship, but I don’t want to have any expectations, cause I’ll just get hurt again. I feel like I’m going into this blind, I have no idea if it’ll hurt me more or help me. I just want to know if anyone has any advice for this first meet up and for our future relationship? Thanks in advance

My life is chaos recent breakup is killing me!

replies: 6

Hi I have been separated for about a month but really it's been years. My ex hates me. I want to try and make it work but I'm told I'm a narcissist, I have a sex addiction, I'm seeing someone behind her back and I'm being out right deceitful. She has... View more

Hi I have been separated for about a month but really it's been years. My ex hates me. I want to try and make it work but I'm told I'm a narcissist, I have a sex addiction, I'm seeing someone behind her back and I'm being out right deceitful. She has access to all my gmail phone account everything. She still says I am up to no good. I am not at all I am being honest and iv said I want her and my son's In my life. And I want it to work I am a open book. I know she can see everything and that's fine but for something I havnt done? I know it is finished, she doesn't love me at all any more. Understandable. I still want to try and be a good dad and ex partner but in every way I'm accused of being a sly creepy loser. I have just called men's health line about my situation and thoughts of suicide. I need a behaviour group therapist. I want to live my life but to be told I would be better off 6 feet under , Kills. I'm not hiding anything from her I am not being deceitful. I really just want help with me living my life in peace and not like I'm on the FBI watch list. I'm just not sure what and where I should go hope I can sort something out coz it's effecting everything I just wish we worked our relationship out and made the family I wanted for my boys. And sorry to my family for failing them i wish I didn't coz I am innocent here I don't want war I want peace. Who can i talk to and thanks if any one reads this. Brad

How do you continue to support a loved one with depression when you constantly feel rejected?...

replies: 2

My boyfriend of 18 months suffers severe depression and anxiety. Our relationship didn't start in a traditional way- I left my husband to be with him, who is 6 years my junior. We live together, with my 2 children, following his mental breakdown at t... View more

My boyfriend of 18 months suffers severe depression and anxiety. Our relationship didn't start in a traditional way- I left my husband to be with him, who is 6 years my junior. We live together, with my 2 children, following his mental breakdown at the start of the year. He was unmedicated and fell into such a deep hole that he stopped working, showering or even leaving his room. I never gave up on him and continued to love and support him, even though the relationship was so new- I knew that I loved him like I've never loved anyone before. After his suicide attempt I convinced him to come stay with me so I could keep an eye on him. He got help through the CAT team and is now 6 months on medication and doing better than I, or any of his friends, have ever seen him. The problem is that despite him being happier and more active- and telling me how much he loves and is attracted to me, he has absolutely no sex drive and it's leaving me feeling hurt and rejected. We talk about it almost every week and I try so hard to tell myself that it's his illness and not me- but how long can I continue living with this feeling of not being attractive enough, being too old for him to be attracted to, not being able to turn him on, etc.? I try to do things like buy sexy outfits, flirt with him, tell him how attracted I am to him... but he just can't. He tells me that he hates himself for it and that he wants to be intimate with me, but just freezes up and then gets upset with himself and so can't even fool around or anything. I want to believe him so badly, but when I know he's had relationships in the past that were purely based on sex and nothing else- how can I not compare myself to that? How long can you continue to support the person you love through their battles- when they are creating your own battles? I find myself constantly watching what I eat and exercising excessively to try and make myself desirable for him. I feel worthless and unattractive and I just don't know what to do anymore.

Single Dad, childcare, schools, family administration help i'm lost and don't want my kids to suffer. Advice please?

replies: 2

Hi BB, so the separation happened, I've got a new home (Rented) set up, no concerns with bills etc re that aspect but there is a massive blackhole where most people know how to arrange childcare, centerlink, medicare, etc. I don't know what I'm suppo... View more

Hi BB, so the separation happened, I've got a new home (Rented) set up, no concerns with bills etc re that aspect but there is a massive blackhole where most people know how to arrange childcare, centerlink, medicare, etc. I don't know what I'm supposed to do, my wife handled all this stuff and now that she's off living her single life i'm trying to pick up the pieces but don't even know what questions I need to ask. Any and all tips, tricks and advice welcome and wanted.

Resetting a friendship

replies: 6

I couldn't think of the exact title to describe my issue but I'll try to explain. I have a friend that I was very close to, both of us were candid and open with each other. Over time this has changed and until very recently it was something that I st... View more

I couldn't think of the exact title to describe my issue but I'll try to explain. I have a friend that I was very close to, both of us were candid and open with each other. Over time this has changed and until very recently it was something that I struggled to grasp fully and accept. Treating him in the same way I always had, expecting the same support, and then being hurt and upset when it wasn't forthcoming. Typically this wouldn't result in anger or poor behaviour but I'd feel the need to explain or justify everything and generate long passages to do so. After I'd feel embarrassed so I'd pull back or send short general chats a few days later but then anxiety would build and I'd reach out for support again without learning the lesson that he had changed his role. Recently I asked him if he still wanted to be in contact with me, or if he prefered I stopped reaching out. He responded by saying he definitely didn't need me to stop but he wished our interactions were more positive. I'm now awaiting my first appointment to head to counselling to work through some newly generated issues as a result to COVID changing my life and previous coping mechanisms. I've joined this forum to give me an outlet for my anxiety or disruptive thoughts in the meantime and I'm trying to focus on tangible goals to improve the things that cause me anxiety or to feel inadequate. Our last interaction was me thanking him for all his assistance recently and letting him know I was going to get some help to work on adjusting to my new way of life. His response was to say he was glad he helped and was sorry he couldn't do more but he hoped I understood. I would like to try to focus on it being a casual friendship with me seeking support from more suitable channels. I wrote 3 replies to the response above and stopped because I can't come up with something that conveys a positive tone to let them know I understand what they want and respect their boundaries, somehow it seems accusatory or passive aggressive which is not it's intention. I also don't want to be fake and act like my issues have left. I have no idea how to do it succinctly and respectfully in a way that comes across positively (which is how I intend most things but it doesn't seem to translate). I was considering just leaving it, or perhaps finding an opportunity to speak in person so things translate better. (we mainly converse via text which isn't my first choice, but is his preferred medium) Any thoughts?

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