My partner had an affair in his previous marriage...

[HurtConfused7]

I’ve been with my partner for 1.5yrs and recently found out that he had an affair in his previous marriage, which ultimately ended his marriage and they are now divorced. People make mistakes, people do the wrong things when they are not happy and stressed. So I’m not judging him. He seems very remorseful and embarrassed about his actions. My only issue is that the women he had an affair with he’s still in constant contact, they text everyday.

When I first found out I was a little upset and told him that I don’t feel comfortable with him communicating with her and would appreciate if he lets her know that he’s met someone and they can’t communicate anymore (I don’t want him to go completely cold on her but explain what’s going on).

It’s been a month and he hasn’t said anything to me so I brought it up. He said hasn’t told her yet, he’s trying to find the words as he doesn’t like upsetting people.

I don’t know how I should feel. I personally don’t think it’s healthy for him as he’s still holding onto the past. I’m really don’t know if I’m even allowed to ask him of such actions as he didn’t cheat on me. But I also feel a little sad as he seems he cares more about her feelings than mine. It’s been 4 years since the affair and I know she’s going through her divorce now. I’ve asked him if he still has feelings for her and he said absolutely none at all, he keeps texting her everyday.

I would love to hear some advice on the matter.

Thanks.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

We often get posters like yourself whereby certain events occur in their relationship that to them is unacceptable but you need reassurance your unease is justified

In most of these cases the person eg you, is not exercising your own values and this results in your partner not showing you the respect you deserve.

There is a slight chance he just enjoys her friendship. There is a far greater chance he has other motives and the tell tale evidence is daily contact.

To sum up, if you asked 100 people how they would feel in your situation I think the majority would feel concerned, insecure.

You might need to be brave about carving your own future the way YOU want it, not the way he think you’ll accept it.

TonyWK

[missep123]

Hi HurtConfused7,

This is a very challenging situation. I think that it is a really good thing that you explained to your partner how you feel about the situation and what would be the next best step (i.e. explaining to the person and stopping the communication).

From what I have heard, one thing that is often recommended to couples is assertive communication. So when someone is trying to explain how they are feeling for example they try to make sure to use 'I' language. For example, I feel uneasy because.... This can help prevent a conversation to escalate into an argument which can happen when we use 'you' language e.g. You make me feel uneasy because...

I have had friends in similar positions to yours and they have had to emphasise how important it was for their partner to stop communication with this other individual as it is a cause of stress or anxiety for them. In your case, would it be possible to emphasise how this situation is affecting you and how important it is for your partner to stop communication?

Here for you!

[ecomama]

Dear HurtConfused7

Did you only just find out about his infidelity in marriage? Or have you known all along...

Did you only just find out that his 'friend', he's texting with daily is his affair partner, which relationship broke his marriage up? And hers probably who knows...

Okay I reread your post and it was "recently".

Gobsmacked.

IMHO this person is STILL in an affair with this married woman. It may only be an emotional affair right now, but a physical affair occurred right?

The affair maybe just morphed into only 1 part but it's still there.

You can Google 'emotional affair'. You can also Google Chumplady and read up there. This kind of thing is copied and pasted over and over because leopards... spots.

This person has been deceitful to you.
He smokescreened all this information.
He places his affair partner above you - not a good start for your relationship but hey it wasn't a good end to the last one either.
The next act of a cheating spouse / partner who won't change their ways is to gaslight their partner... eg telling you, you are "over-reacting". Telling you "there's NOTHING going on" blah blah blah. Gaslighting is the worst.

IDK you're very sweet and kind to say "everyone makes mistakes. Indeed they do.

Affairs are not mistakes. They are deliberately and deceitfully planned step by step and all behind their spouse's backs. A 'mistake' is buying the wrong paint colour lol.
If only ONE meetup was performed, then even that is perhaps 30 "mistakes" all in a row to get the desired outcome of that person. He didn't want to stop. He wanted to cheat. So he did.

I doubt whatever you say will make him stop communicating with his affair partner. Regardless of what he tells you.

I'm sorry to be so blunt but it's better to KNOW or find out the truth yourself and cut your losses asap.

Hugs hugs hugs
EM