new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Hello Mara

Thankyou so much for posting here, your journey sounds similar, since you connected to it. Indeed Croix has been a constant support, I hope he's practising self care! lol.

I'm very sorry for what you've been through. I can understand 'rage' at this stuff (not sure what you felt rage over but anyone would normally feel rage at abuse) and I know what you mean with 'finally connecting to (it)'. I don't think I've accessed rage for my childhood abuse, I'm not sure if it's there tbh. I felt so much empathy for the abuser(s), still kind of do. I don't understand why I became a focus of their rage but the perpetration of the abuse is on them and so are any reasons they validated such abuse with. Not me.

'Forgiving' was the latest thing back then, esp in the religion I was in. There were never any apologies, so I had to find ways of forgiving the abusers.

I worked very hard on myself not to perpetuate the abuse on my own children. I started my family 'late' after years of self-study. My first child was not treated as well by me, some things I now consider abuse were not then. But I didn't carry on this with the others at all. I definitely changed all parental modes that were modelled to me.

A long abusive marriage and the ensuing Court battles were added reasons for my C-PTSD. I'm out of those now (for now and hopefully forever). The range of emotions I felt through that time absolutely included rage at times and confusion, disbelief, shock, betrayal, sheer frustration. All the text book reactions to DV / gaslighting etc.

I'm so so happy to hear that EMDR has been successful for you. I will definitely try this. The strange thing is that (as a complete novice to this) EMDR can reduce or erase our 'emotional connection' to the abuse? but yet we are supposed to have human reactions like rage about it? I find this confusing. Maybe you know more and can tell me. Don't worry if you don't, it's ok.

I hope the financial support increases for you. ATM mine are ok but I can see that finances could quickly become an issue. I have almost decided to go back to work only 3d per week after my 2 months leave. There are some small boons, tax wise, for me doing this right now, but they will also run out.

I'll go back to food pantries during this time to help, I'll also contact Victim's Service soon.

xxxxEM

[Croix]

Dear EM (with a wave to Mara)~

I could never get the hang of forgiveness, some things are smaller and one adjusts, still basically ok or happy wiht the person after a short time has passed, some things simply are not -they are beyond the pale.

I'll give you a small example, when my wife discovered someone she loved was dead she told me when I rang her at morning tea time from a very isolated place many klms away. The person I was traveling with put work first and refused to take me home till end of day. Forgiveness does not come into it. Anger remains.

I would be not surprised if the anger is not there for your abusers, a person can often feel two emotions at once.

I'll quote something I said to Mara (I'm lazy:)

"It was so easy to blame myself for all that went wrong, despite logical assurances to the contrary. I'm normally both before my illness and now, a reasonably mild mannered person (though isolation is taking its toll:) I rarely had an outburst, and that quickly went away.

Still I did become angry, at a management that used people up in what appeared to me a cynical manner, with tricks to reduce income whilst wanting more work, more shifts. If there were facilities to assist mental heath I never heard of them, and after I was invalided out I never remember receiving any visits or other contact.

And that made me angry, a long sustained anger that has only gone after years. This helped keep me alive, digging my heels in as suicide and trying harder at study -a great factor in my improvement

That anger, it places the responsibility for your condition on others, not yourself"

I still miss being a member -2 emotions at once

EMDR sounds hopeful.

Trying to juggle work and finances is so difficult, I'm glad you are not too proud to accept a helping hand

Croix

[Mara56]

Hi Em (and a wave back to Croix),

Croix is correct about anger being a good thing in relation to putting the responsibility on to the perpetrators of the abuse. I can understand you not feeling anger or knowing if its there. I have never felt anger in my life till recently. I’ve experienced frustration but not anger. I’m sorry I didn’t mention what it is I feel rage about, it has only been in the last few months that I’ve told some close friends about the abuse, I hadn’t even told my GP till this year. My husband, psychologist, and previous counsellors I’ve seen, are the only ones who know.

To give you a quick summary; I was sexually abused as child my 5 different men. My father was a violent alcoholic, my mother was physically, mentally and emotionally abusive to us children. Some of what she did to me would be categorised as torture. I was raped at 19. Then married a man who was the worst combination of both my parents. There is so much more, but that’s enough for you to understand. I always said I would be ok as long as my children were safe. Then my youngest child died at 22 years. There has been so much trauma, that emotionally I shut off.

Like Croix I blamed myself for everything that happened to me. This last 10 days, it has been like a weight has lifted. I credit the EMDR with allowing me to access it. Also, I no longer feel suicidal which is awesome.

Good on you for changing the cycle for your children. I did it for mine too.

Divorce is never easy, but is so much more traumatic when you’ve been in an abusive relationship. I know from my own experience how tough it can be. I know how much strength it takes. I admire you for having the courage to see it all through.

I’m not sure how to explain EMDR. My experience is that it allows me to deal with the abuse in a calm way, without flashbacks. My PTSD was triggered 18 months and up till the EMDR I was having horrendous flashbacks. I’d never had them that bad before.

Going back to work 3 days sounds like a perfect balance for you. I hope it all goes well for you.

Take care

Mara

[ecomama]

Thankyou Croix for sharing your deep introspection & more of your story with me / any of us reading. I feel privileged you do this for me, it's an extremely humbling experience and helps me understand.

I see why you felt anger, for many years, I can see why most people get very angry for justifiable reasons. Ofcourse I validate your anger. It would be demeaning and disrespectful for me not to. I'm sorry you had those experiences of unfairness & injustice, injustice is unpalpable at the very least, criminal at worst esp when society validates it in a 'commercial' way.

I have been angry lots, I know I can access anger as an emotion. 5y ago I studied my own 'sense of justice' if you will. We all have levels of 'justice' and mine is very strict. Understanding this in my own self, helped me see why I see injustice everywhere and have fought to level this for others and myself. After understanding this about myself, it also released me in a way. Practising / meditating upon 'acceptance' has been the most powerful release.

I felt depressed for many years after an event that involved police & withdrew someone I loved from my life. DV in marriage compounded this feeling of helplessness. Once I understood this, I tried to get angry and could, knowing that the depression was suppressed anger but it was also sadness, I was grieving huge losses. Basically I got back into my career, dealing with horrors in my marriage, improved my situation and eventually ended the marriage. Very long story cut short.

I 'forgave' people whilst still a child. It was in words, through prayer etc. I hoped the words would sink into the feeling of forgiveness that I understood brought freedom. I don't think it did but I persisted lol. Forgiveness is such an ethereal concept and frustrating not to feel it. Then, at a course, I read their concept and it clicked. I may be able to find this quote somewhere IDK, but I felt a total release.

A big difference between you and I, Croix, is that I never believed I deserved the abuse as a child nor the abuse as an adult. No one deserves abuse. I knew offenders had lost control and were taking out frustrations on me, neglect was harder but I understand how ill the person was, sick acts by a sick person. I knew it was misplaced. As an adult I didn't understand why it was happening. Thankfully I know now why the offender did things to me. It was criminal intent, short answer.

I hope you find peace.
EM

[ecomama]

Dear Mara, I had a physical reaction reading about the abuse you suffered, I swayed and got dizzy. I'M angry these creatures did all those abhorrent things to you. I have no idea of your suffering, but it was no doubt of the worst kinds, I do know that it was all criminal.

I'm so sorry you went through all that.

I'm deeply sorry for the loss of your youngest child..... hugs, I have no words.

Thankyou for sharing parts of your story, I'm sorry if it was hard to write. I don't want you to suffer any more by writing to me. Yes so much trauma, so much loss. My heart goes out to you for all of it.

It must've been so hard not to tell anyone, even as a child, what was going on? I understand that when children haven't got safe & trusted parents, then they may not be able to trust others like teachers or other family to tell. It's the most vulnerable place on earth for a child suffering from extreme abuse. Sadly no one could have guaranteed your safety if you had been removed from your parents... such is the depth of illness in our society.

In childhood I had a disabled brother to defend, I reckoned that by me suffering the abuse then he didn't have to. It also kept me 'attached' to that family unit. I say 'it' meaning my perspective. I had already lost one disabled brother. I couldn't bear to lose my only surviving sibling in any way, so I felt it was a conscious choice I made, perhaps I felt more 'empowered' in a small sense of the word, than I otherwise may have. Teachers saw the abuse marks on my body, they asked & I said very little but never lied. I told them I didn't want to get my mother in more trouble & my brother needed me. My teachers were my rocks & saviours of kinds, treating me extra kindly, providing so much comfort, never taking advantage. I had amazing teachers 🙂

The days before mandatory reporting I guess.

My extended family were also 'on board'. They made excuses to take me away, often for weeks on end, months maybe IDK but those were gentle, playful, loving, happy times. I stayed in so many family's houses and was always treated well. I helped raise my cousins & loved them dearly. And my family talked with me at their own level of understanding about the abuse. Still, I always chose to go back to look after my mother & help my brother.

I feel so elated for you to feel so much better so recently. Thankyou for hanging in there through your hardships. You are a shining light for me. I know you are irreplaceable to many others too.

xxxxEM

[Mara56]

Hi Em,

Thank you for your beautiful reply to my post. Your response, demonstrates to me how compassionate you are.

I am sorry that my post affected you so much. One of the reasons I am very cautious about revealing my past is that I am very aware that what happened to me is a lot for some people to deal with. Plus, I have never wanted to be viewed as a victim. These things happened to me but they are not me, I am more than that. If that makes sense. Thanks to the PTSD and my ability to compartmentalise everything, I have managed to go through life without many people realising the enormity of the emotional pain I was in. That is until 18 months ago when I got triggered. I won't go into what triggered me, except to say that it destroyed the compartments and suddenly I was dealing with all the traumas at once, instead of one at time which I had done previously. It's been an horrendous 18 months. I am angry at the events that triggered it but also glad that it has brought me to this point. Finally I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. And I am grateful for that.

Thank you for your kind words in relation to the loss of my son. My heart aches for him every single day.

I am sorry to hear about your childhood. Your brother is so lucky to have had a loving and protective sister.

So glad to hear that you had loving relatives. Those connections have obviously help you to develop into the caring person that you are. Sadly, I didn't have that. I was too frightened to tell my teachers anything. I went to an all girls private school. Somehow, I don't think they would have been very compassionate about my situation. And if they had spoken to my mother, my life wouldn't have been worth living.

In spite of the trauma, I have done many wonderful things in my life. I'm the only member of my family with an education. I completely changed the cycle of abuse for my children, and now I watch my eldest with their children and they are parenting the way I did. Like your extended family, I have been a safe place for my nieces and nephews. Like a pebble in a pond, the ripple effect of my hard work has gone down to the next generations and that is so affirming when I'm having a bad day.

Once again, thank you so much for your kindness and compassion.

Take care

Mara

[ecomama]

Dear Mara, sometimes I want to put a 10 on the 'Mark this post as helpful' as I do yours. I cannot thank you enough for sharing with me.

I accept full responsibility for my reaction because this is YOUR story, this is the fabric of your life. Being sensitive to others is clear in every word you write. Please don't apologise, I embrace your story as I do you.

The loss of your dear son, I am at a loss for any words of comfort. Such a deep, personal, maternal grief is all I can acknowledge. hugs.

I see how you could not have told anyone as a child. I was 'noticed' and carried through from teacher to teacher. I, too was afraid like you, the teachers saw this and acted in very intelligent ways in their efforts to protect me.

I will always be grateful for my extended family. Although they are now estranged from me by their choice which brought grief and depressed times for me, I know they did their best when I was a child.

I laughed at your paragraph describing your education and your home being a safe haven for other children. I could have written that about my life, word for word, exchanging 'nieces and nephews' for all children (I have no nieces or nephews).

Do you think it's in our efforts to keep children safe?
to 'be there' for children so they have at least one person who will listen and help?

Significantly, last night my youngest daughter broke down in tears to me. She experienced similar abuse to you but from her father, not me. She said she wants whatever help she can get, she shared that she is aware that she has a 'strange relationship' as she said, with food, and also her friends. She is already seeing a psychologist but feels it's not enough but is beginning to trust her current psych and doesn't want to lose her. I told her that we'll do whatever it takes to get any help she needs. It will be okay, we have each other and we are safe now. I Pray it will be okay.

I affirmed her self awareness at such a young age and thanked her for sharing her feelings with me. She sobbed in my arms and I sobbed too, this was one time I couldn't hold my tears in. We are both heartbroken at the abuse. It has devastated us both what she has been through.

Love to you
EM

[Mara56]

Dear Ecomama,

My heart breaks for your precious daughter. I am so sad that she had to go through that abuse, and that the man who should have been her protector, did it to her. It is testament to your parenting that she felt safe enough to tell you. I’m in awe of her self-awareness at such a young age, again that has to be due to the way you have parented her. She is very fortunate to have such a loving, aware Mum.

I would agree with you, having the experience we had growing up, I believe has made us protective towards children. Nothing makes me angrier than when I hear of some poor child who has suffered unspeakable abuse at the hands of some perverted adult. And I get particularly incensed when I see the inadequate sentencing that the Courts hand out. Children should be loved and protected, not only by their parents but by society as a whole.

I am sorry to hear that you’re estranged from your extended family. Their decision to not be a part of your life, must have been very painful for you. It shows how much awareness you have that you can acknowledge and feel grateful for what they gave you as a child in spite of their estrangement.

When I was a child there wasn’t the awareness that there is today. I had Nuns as teachers, which should give you an idea of my age. They were terrifying in themselves. There was absolutely no one I could trust.

Trust is an issue I still have today, which is why it has taken me so long to get to this point in my therapy. I have an awesome psychologist. He has been incredibly patient, kind, and supportive. I am so lucky I found him.

Thank you for your hugs, they are appreciated. Losing my son was without a doubt the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. It was made even harder because I couldn’t cry. And throughout that time I was caring for my ungrateful, selfish parents. I was their primary carer for 13 years. My psychologist couldn’t believe that despite what they did to me, I was there for them. I just refused to be like them. I have to believe in karma.

Not sure if I deserve a 10 but I’m glad my previous posts were helpful to you. In relation to me sharing the abuse with you. I realised this year that by not sharing it, it was another way I distanced myself from it. Like you I often refer to myself in third person. It’s easier than owning that it was me it happened to.

I’ll leave it there. Thank you once again for your positive, affirming responses. They have touched my heart.

Take care

Mara

[Croix]

Dear Ecomama ans Mara~

I an am so glad you have found each other, it is only by having similar suffering true understanding can take place an building can continue wiht more confidence and effectiveness.

You are both strong people who have retrained you hearts despite all.

I feel completely inadequate to say anything you have not thought of before, all I can say is if you want and I can give I will

Croix

[ecomama]

Thankyou for your kind words dear Mara. Yes a 10 😉

I feel EXACTLY the same as you about the extreme harm to children, there's nothing more abhorrent and evil as this IMO. I feel EXACTLY the same way about the perpetrators of such abuse being let off by Courts. I am SO sorry for police who have tried SO hard and for SO long to bring these creatures to justice only realising there is none.

It's an insult to police's 'protective powers'.
I know there will be justice one day and Pray for it.
Indeed they are driving their own karma.

My heart veritably bleeds for the victims. My eldest daughter says now is a ripe time for anarchy lol. How I dream with her!

We have even more in common than you may think. I intuited it in things you said. But it was the perpetrators family who also had Nuns for teachers. Worse.

I did all I could humanly do to report all things. My baby girl reported it herself directly to the Courts. Without me knowing, without me being able to ask, I was warned by authorities that she may disclose one day. She did a few years ago. She was all alone in that room and saying the worst things, I didn't even know. Now I know she was shielding me from hearing anything. Even in her most terrifying times, she was trying to protect her mother.

I'm broken by this. But I had to keep fighting and still do in other ways to protect my children.

Your dear son, I doubt a greater loss can be had by a mother.

Your parents never deserved you, but you showed great mercy and I believe you will always be blessed by your selfless nature. Now more than ever with successful treatment! The strength inside you is the goodness I want to see in the world, as rare as it is.

Others may see trust as an issue of mine. I think I am justly placed in NOT trusting as I have. It lead me to dark places and a naivete as well. I am comfortable with the level of trust I have in others now. Not much lol.

All of my children have now completely changed their career paths. From creative pursuits to ONLY protective and life risking ones. They have so much goodness and so much DRIVE to protect mothers and children. With this, again I fear for my children, and I hope you stay here on BB for the longest time.

Much love for your sorrow
EM