new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Croix]

Dear EM~

I have probably mentioned this but since you brought it up I found both that I had to have a psychiatrist who I clicked with and remained with. I'm not even sure if the therapy has a particular name, but working though life's episodes and reactions with this person's occasional suggestions and insights has been the key -very long term as has an rather unusual medication (sorry cannot say more). I expect I'll always need something, but that's life and workable.

For me the aim (better say goal so you understand:) is to live a reasonably hapy and productive life while being propped up by extra but permanent supports.

Put on people around you, leaning is allowed, even if it does not fit in with current your self-image. I found that out,( also in the process my partner was more than an equal, stronger and more loving.)

May I ask how disassociation manifests itself in you?

Croix

[ecomama]

Hi Croix

Thankyou for helping me. Your responses are helping to shine a light on my path. I pretty much know some of the path, whether it all manifests is another thing.

I don't have anyone to lean on. It's not a choice at all. I wore them out thru my Court cases. It's just the way it is atm. Funny thing though, I asked a colleague how she was today and after she said "ok" I left a pregnant pause and raised my eyebrows.. then she said she's not doing ok at all. I said I'm not lol. So she asked me to go for coffee, which has NOT happened via work for a very long time.

My 'partner' lives overseas, in a high covid place. It's going to be years before we see each other again. This was a February realisation. His work has put him on the Federal Govt list of the only people that can fly anywhere in his country during this time. He has caught jets alone! He's an engineer & repairs covid19 testing machines (do you believe that... good God). I have cut down communications for my own MH. I feel better for this in some ways but I'm extremely concerned for his health & safety. He's smart & confident. I trust him to make sensible decisions, so I have to let this go. So that support is there but not there also.

I have to make my own good decisions here.

I know I'll be referred to a psychiatrist, just feel it in my waters lol. At this point, I just want to make good decisions from minute to minute, hour to hour. Not worry ahead of time.

Dissociation manifested in the ways I spoke of experiences in the 3rd person... I'm getting upset thinking of this... I spoke of the memories of traumatic events as though they were coming from another place, not from my own memory, I used phrases like "and then the thing came out of nowhere like an arrow into my head".. but it was IN my head all along. Not from another place.

It was not another person, it was me. My mind can't hold all the traumatic events, so I have dissociated, blocked out a lot (that others remember and have told me the actual events & they were far more brutal). There have been hundreds of events at least. TBH more like thousands. I know I'm "sensitive" but even describing ONE of those events is bad enough to potentially have PTSD. That is feedback from psychs on helplines and my own Counsellor.

Now a coping mechanism has become a habit, hence the urgency. Thankyou for sharing more of your story. I appreciate it and you.

EM

[Guest_1643]

Hi Croix and ecomama, just had a read through the thread, really interesting journey to read Ecomama about getting support through truama. I'm at the same stage as you - interviewing therapists, trying to see who can feel right for me.

You seem to be doing a great job

I hope you feel you have every right to call any helpliine - it can also be preventative and supportive in decisions about mental health - we need this so we can stay healthy and happy

I know and fully understand sometimes it can feel like a minor issue and not worth the call - but you never know, the help may end up to be so good and necessary for you - and that's all that matters

keep well to you all

[ecomama]

Thankyou for chiming in Sleepy21. I have to leave for work in a minute so ….

I needed to hear the "ring a helpline"... I did last night and getting on here to find out some 'relaxing' things to hear as I fell asleep was helpful.

Best wishes on your alternate / similar path. I am already feeling a TAD intimidated by my first choice... the place they counsel from has past bad memories. the receptionists are awful lol... they tried it again yesterday. Instead of being the whole DON'T PUSH ME AROUND.... I just thought "I'm gonna take this gently, she's probably having a bad day …. every freaking day lol". Dear me, I'm shaking now.

sigghhhh. its ok.

Thanks
EM

[ecomama]

Hi Croix

It's not exactly true that it's not my choice I don't have people around me, it kinda is and definitely isn't.

I have lots of children here. They need me a lot. I don't have expanses of time out of home or in the home (in other people's best hours) to maintain friendships.

The friends I have are freaking awesome, but they are remote. It can take 3 weeks of telephone tag before we connect. Just the busy-ness of all our lives.

Covid is just an excuse to me not being able to connect. It helps and doesn't help me face this issue.

I just want to use a majority of my time for my kids whilst they're home. There are so many. It's a blink and they're gone. I will be able to travel more to see my friends 1-2 and 36 hours away.

family …. well, there may be hope. Doubt it lol. I've tried for almost 20y and unless I can get there and do something for them, it's pretty much a done deal. Everyone in my family was too used to me being a 'helper only'. They can't reverse their idea of the relationship.

Thanks for pointing that out to me. Heading to work.

EM

[Croix]

Dear EM~

The mind burying thngs away is probably a good thing, it has been for me. Then they leak out - or jump out - but for me at least singly, and my psychiatrist says that is becuse I'm now in a position to deal with them.

I know I'm no doc and saying it's a good thing is probably not acceptable, dunno, it seems to be a reasonable thing for me, even if very slow. I think I've probably got one more to work though, but who knows.

It's also been a case of distancing myself - "it was" rather than" I did". Eventually it works round to "I".

Maybe I misunderstand, but you seemed to hint that being referred to a psychiatrist might be an uncomfortable thing. I've found the opposite, with psychologists not giving me what I need -plus as far as I know visiting a psychiatrist is not eligible to for the Mental Health Plan, though I'm unsure wiht the new tele-health arrangements.

Some people that have been badly hurt in their youth end up helping all to a greater extent than is good for them, both physically and for their self-esteem. Now if you are digging your heels in perhaps your family does not like the servant becoming an equal? Their problem. They should not have allowed servitude in the first place but adopted a role as equals.

I'm glad you subtle offer of help lead to both of you together, that's good for both of you.

I use earbuds when negotiating and waiting in hostile territory, the response in my ears is instant and I look forward to it. Helps ride over the less than professional reception. Had that for umpteen years. Did you know at Xmas time one can buy a box of chocolates with one chocolate inside? A handy factoid to store away, works best when others get a more fulsome token of appreciation.

Croix

[ecomama]

Thankyou Croix for your thoughtful responses again.

I'm thankful for my mind doing what it needed to, to cope in most parts, enabling me to work, but I've taken a lot of leave and raised the children etc. It's been "I've got ------- to do for the kids & I've gotta do that next etc".

You described your memories in the opposite ways that I have, in my humble assessment as, not dissociatively (not a word lol). You said "My mind" and the "leak out or jump out". It seems subtle to me but I am told this is an integrated mind.
Mine has not been so.

I await the assessment of 'how much' dissociation I've employed or employ now. I don't know, but for number of 'less trained trained' psychs ie not spent years of study and work with trauma as a focus, even they have noticed my dissociative speech patterns and gently told me once they knew I was seeking further treatment.

I say things like 'the flashback came out of nowhere' or 'that poor frightened, confused little child' and such when talking about myself. TBH I don't want to try integrating without being in the presence of my psych lol.

2 nights ago I saw a YouTube clip with Russell Brand interviewing an actor over her treatment with EMDR and it sounded amazing. The results she had that is. I'm going to ask my psych about that. Do you know about this?

Yeah my family or la familia I call them lol, they're not quite.. Besides the family gatherings that I loved so much, between times, they heavily relied on me to help them out. For the past 2 decades, since calling police on a family member, and I couldn't respond to their calls for help as I had so many of my own children and no support. They just stopped calling. They didn't even bring food in our worst times, as I had done for many family.

In fact, I think they enjoyed knowing I was going through hard times. Perhaps relished in the fact and were hoping to see me arrive at worse places. Jealous comments got back to me which shocked me. I was at 'worse places' but got myself out. Physically around me and money wise, I am in a far better position. It was the hardest work I've ever done through Courts, fighting for our rights against a monster. But here we are.

I think my self esteem is pretty ok, surprisingly. It was and wasn't growing up - done a lot of work on that. If I'm criticised now I just let it sit out there and ask my closest friends, and children if appropriate, if they think I am "what was said". Usually not at all. Just an angry person. Flick.

EM

[Croix]

Dear EM

I'm not sure the disassociation is that different, but am no expert and will bow to your superior research 🙂

Talking of research if you Google:

EMDR beyondblue

You will receive a lot of hits about this therapy and some peoples' experiences

Beyond Blue also had something to say about its use for PTSD and depression that was encouraging at the time on page 25 of

hhttps://resources.beyondblue.org.au/prism/file?token=BL/0556

Croix

[ecomama]

Thankyou again Croix.

It wasn't my research lol, it was feedback from too many psychs to ignore. I seem to love being under the carpet of denial!

My research seems to indicate an Amnesia type of Dissociative disorder. I will leave it up to the new psych. I have zero memories of some events others saw happen directly to me. I remember the day, some of the things, but not the worst physical abuse to me.

I will read up on those links you posted, thankyou!

Today I told a friend psych about me seeking this specialist PTSD psych and she was so happy I'm doing this. We were gobsmacked that the psych I had the strongest impulse to see, works out of the same clinic as my friend psych (I had a list of 8). I can never keep up with where my friends are working, so I had no idea lol.

I asked my friend if my new psych does EMDR and she said they all do and she think this will be great for me, I should try it.

I'll see what my new psych says. I am hopeful.

EM

[Mara56]

Hi Em,

I've just noticed your posts and just want to say that in reading them, there is so much that is similar to my own experience. It took me years to find a therapist that I felt comfortable with. It then took me even longer to trust him. That said, I am so glad I found him. He has been an enormous support to me. I wished I had done as you did, an interviewed my previous therapists, if I had, I may not have wasted my time and money.

I noticed you mentioned EMDR in your post. I have complex PTSD from multiple traumas. My therapist decided earlier this year to try EMDR with me. I have to say I highly recommend it. I've had a terrible 18 months due to my PTSD being triggered. But I have noticed bit by bit that things are improving. Just in the past couple of weeks I've had less flashbacks. The big breakthrough for me is that after years of therapy I'm finally connecting to the justifiable rage I have in relation to the trauma which is allowing me to express it. For all of my life, I've have struggled to be able to cry and I've never been able to access anger before. For the first time I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. Mind my drama is that I've used up all my Mental Health Plan. I do have private health cover but that will soon run out too. Thankfully my therapist reduced his fee considerably, that said, it's a struggle financially to continue at the moment. I had hoped that with today's announcement re: the increase in funding, that the Govt would increase the number of sessions to 20 but I doesn't appear that that will the case.

I am glad Croix has been communicating with you, he has been a great source of support to me over the past 4-6 weeks.

I hope the EMDR works for you. I know that they have had very good results with ex-military personal who have PTSD.

Wishing you all the best.

Take care

Mara