new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Thankyou for your thoughtful response Croix.

I reflected a lot on your therapist comment and I have taken the step to seek a Specialist Trauma Psychologist (STP). I now have names of people to 'interview' and will begin this process. I really thank you for making that comment, that has been made only once by AC before but also recently.

I work fulltime in a career I have had for over 40 years. I rose to 'high places' in this career, working with Govt Ministers both State and Federal, at a young age. In talking with a psych yesterday, we talked about the 'Wheel of Balance' and have placed my career sector as a 10 meaning it is fulfilling and right for me right now. I took many steps back to the place I am at now. It is more fitting for my life. It allows me to more balanced lol.

I don't feel confident in starting the journey with a STP. Not at all. I cried this morning for the first time in ages. I am shaking now and have needed to practice grounding a lot for the past few days. I spent hours on the phone with psychologists on helplines yesterday. I'm really struggling.

I realise I am grieving for a member of my family who is living. I posted about it somewhere but it is HUGELY difficult for me. I need to sort out things for this person and my adult child. Or at least try to help by bringing in external services.

But I struggle with that atm because my own mental health has deteriorated. I need to keep a check on that.

I know I am Matriarch, I don't accept that position very well! lol. My grandmother was a brilliant one and I cannot do what she did. But this is the position and I take as much responsibility as I can.

I have quite a few children. For some I am their only driving instructor, which is a stressful thing. I spend a lot of my time checking in with each of my children at home, their girlfriends too. I know this time is only a blink, so I am trying to be the best parent I can be while they are still here and milling around me which is sweet. I check in with my children out of home too (I'm exhausted realising this lol!). Lordy our calls are cut short a lot of the time with stuff going on here. But I do and they do so we're in a really good place now there. It was wrought with emotional challenges over the abuses. More to come. But I Pray we can travel shoulder to shoulder through life.

Thanks Croix, you've really made a difference to my life.

xxxxEM

[Croix]

Dear EM

I'm glad you did not seek a Specialist Trauma Doctor.

The idea of interviewing potential therapists sounds rather formal but is basically a good idea -if you get the chance. I've had to go to several sessions before deciding the therapist did not 'click'. Being in charge of your therapy is highly important for many reasons.

No, I don't suppose you do feel confident, in fact possibly downright afraid as I have been. However you are anticipating, things can often work out, particularly if you have a hand in the steering. Can you be accompanied to your first visit with whomever you decide, just company to and from?

I've been thinking of CFM, and if I understand things correctly this is an unpleasant and domineering person (have I got that right?) who is basically ruling your life - or at least part of it. It is all very well to say No Contact, however in that I suspect you are still being ruled. It is only when you can meet on your terms and use those boundaries you find building particularly hard to do that you will be able to deal with this person and problems they generate.

This of course is just my impression, I'm no doctor, and even if by chance correct I'd strongly advise you get professional advice before taking any action, if you are too vulnerable/fragile at the moment it can certainly wait, a goal to aim for perhaps? If you think I'm on the wrong track please say so.

As for being a Matriarch, did you ever have long frank discussions with your Grandmother about the problems she faced and the loneliness and fears she might have held? Even the most loved and respected of faces can be a mask.

Croix (who has the feeling you have referred to a more recent war)

[Croix]

Dear All

It just occurred to me that others reading the above post might come away with the impression there is somethingthing amiss with Specialist Trauma Doctors. That is most certainly not the case. I must confess I was merely teasing Ecomama about her use of acronyms

-C

[ecomama]

Croix said:

Dear All

It just occurred to me that others reading the above post might come away with the impression there is somethingthing amiss with Specialist Trauma Doctors. That is most certainly not the case. I must confess I was merely teasing Ecomama about her use of acronyms

-C

You ratbag! Said with the deepest affliction oh I mean affection or is it infection?

Yes, lucky I wasn't seeing an STD too. Or come to think of it, maybe I have ... lol. You made me laugh Croix. Thankyou.

I have been No Contact with Close Family Member for over 2 decades. Staunchly so. Police intervened and had a difficult time of it too! I didn't feel so bad after 2 more lots of back up were called in. No wonder I could never handle CFM myself.

But my Adult Child - AC who has remained in contact is struggling BIG TIME and cannot feel to let go AT ALL being the only family member left in contact. CFMs situation has deteriorated in all ways. AC begged me for help in tears a few days ago. This stressful state I saw AC in really impacted me. Society would see me as having responsibility, certainly my estranged family (who dumped me cold when I called police) have whinged and whined about their issues with CFM. FINALLY they understood how impossible it was but they wanted to pass the buck. I have remained NC. Family hated me for it.

Moving on... AC needs me to step in. Simultaneously your kind self and psych friend expressed same about my lovely Counsellor and needing more specialised help. So I was bound to seek this anyway. Bad timing with CFM too but what the heck hey? Throw it on the pile!

In all truth I have been through a tornado of emotions the past few days, since ACs tears, my poor baby. I have felt blitzed off the earth with anxiety and employed everything I could think of to ground myself. I have cried more in the past few days than in past 6 months or even 12!

I was overwhelmed. I had to find out HOW to sensitively support a nomadic CFM from a distance - yeah right, still working that out. But I have lots of numbers to call about that, so I have begun that road. I also felt forced to accept a C-PTSD official diagnosis. All 5 psychologists I have spoken to have all arrived at the same diagnosis with zero prompting. So! No more living in denial over that.

I have to begin the journey with a STC for tailored therapy. I WAS ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIED. Tbc.. happier now....

[Croix]

Dear Ecomama~

I have read your account in

C-PTSD diagnosis pending - unsure how I feel about it

and simply want to say you are exactly the same person to whom I gave compliments for insightful and supportive help to others, and who has a rather nice sense of humor. That label C-PTSD is an incidental. It simply means in practical terms you will have a wider choice of medical support.

Also as I said, you are in control of your therapy, it goes at your pace, and wends its way though the thorny bushes of remembering with your consent. True it can be painful, but it has been for me too, I learned (with some luck plus cooperation) how to regulate pace and reaction, I'd expect you can too, plus you are brave, it won't defeat you.

Croix (CX?)

[ecomama]

Yes I'll interview STPs and may do like you. I'll tell them what I want them to do for me a bit, keep my counsellor and space sessions out etc. I feel so much better after AC and psych friend spoke with me today about my huge anxiety over therapy, the diagnosis blah blah blah lol. AC said to liken seeing the STPs as I do my favourite medical professional of 20y, let's call her Tania. So I painted the help from Tania in watercolour blue and ALL the help from STPs in a golden yellow. That was acceptable to psych friend too but dissociation was noted on the call lots of times today with her so mmmmmmm. Go figure.

I overlooked some of your questions. I had a virtually perfect relationship with the grandmother I speak of. I also had her mother until I was 10. I had another Nan too but my father parentally alienated her from me (he was absent toboot). I fixed that breach at 14yo by travelling to see her by surprise and we were awesome till she passed when I was around 50yo. Yep blessed.

I was so close to my grandmother I speak of mostly. She was the mother I didn't have and ALWAYS had time for me. She taught me countless skills like mechanics, welding, cooking, sewing, knitting, fishing, crabbing, oyster shucking+. I asked her a billion questions and she cried to me over things. I held something of HER grandmother's once and she cried and told me all about how much she loved that grandmother and still missed her awww. She kept the family history alive for me, I went on to collate our family history back to 1332 JUST for her. Yep 1332. I loved her more than life itself. I would do anything for her and her for me. She was my everything. When my grandfather passed, I moved in with her for fear she would die of a broken heart, she had known him all her life. She LOVED being the matriarch of a huge family and put pressure on me from 18yo to have a child omg, I was such a baby, no way.

I model my parenting on a mix of her, my other Nan, other lovely mums, dads and research lol!
I was so abused myself so I started researching anything about children in my teens. Impacts of poverty and all sorts. Also what HELPED children. I've studied such ever since.

Thankyou for sharing about your family. I have a saying for families that many would be shocked at, wanna hear it? ok, 'families can be just another f word at times' nasty but true! Some of my friends have added stanzas to that and I dare not share those.

Thankyou for being my online friend.
xxxxEM

[Croix]

Dear EM~

I'm afraid I have a confession, that I do not now try to read all your posts elswhere, you are too busy:) This probably means I miss things out that are important, please if so give me a hint here too. I assure you it is not disregard for yourself, simply what I'm able to do.

As for families, mine did me a big favor (unintentionally of course) in making me stand on my own feet and be responsible for another. As it worked out I did not love faith in love as I had that -maybe for the first time). I'm sad your family left you with such a different legacy and even now are being toxic.

Trying to look after CFM at a distance, is that just because of AC's distress or a little bit because of you too? As I do not know relationship or the circumstances except police have been involve at one stage I'm not realy able to say much. I could suggest one means of drawing boundaries, and that is simply to have a list of the minimum you think you must accomplish -being realistic in the process.

E.g.
Keep someone out of the legal system -probably not
Let someone know there is often time for redemption (no, not in the religious sense) - perhaps

If you involve AC in this listing perhaps AC's pleas will be muted, perhaps (yes I now there are 3 perhapses in a row there)

I've never been a Matriarch but I'd expect a lot of it involves saying no for good reason (to oneself as well as others).

Also if your Grandmother bared part of herself to you that says a lot about you.Your Grandmother and Nan sound so lovely, a legacy that cannot be beaten.

No I cannot emulate your friends in adding stanzas about parenthood but will give you a maxim that has always stood me in good stead

"If in trouble, if in doubt
run in circles, scream and shout"

Do you realise how much of your posts are taken up with trying to help or look after others?

Croix

[ecomama]

Hi Croix!

It's ok, no need to read all my posts. Happy to have your input any time. We can go past perhapses, you can just tell me your reply lol.

Response & update: I've had a REALLY rough 5 days since ACs talk with me, anxiety thru the roof, multiple calls to helplines, counsellor, called in sick to work etc. Today I know in all certainty that I cannot help CFM until I get things underway with STP & Counsellor combined. I got a MHCP from GP tonight for Specialist Trauma Psych. Pick it up tomorrow after work & kids stuff. Then phone STP some time soon to book in.

I have to work on myself first. I'll speak with my boss this week & plan my leave - 2 months on half pay to make it stretch, if approved. That will see my kids back to F/T school too. Them being alone all day increases my anxiety but we have CCTV so 🙂
I use visualisation, so I've put all of CFMs stuff in a white fluffy cloud & it's way over there for my 'copable' time. Not now at all.

Every psych has said NO WAY to me helping CFM, I could tell them more of the story. I see no 'redemption' at all with CFM / myself. Boundaries never work. The violence / control / insanity was beyond anything tons of police could cope with. I need gentleness, not that. But it was primarily the state I saw AC in, that sent all my instincts to protect AC into full throttle. This could be CFMs aim, to get me 'back in'. CFM is not an ex partner but a blood relative. I love CFM but I treasure my life & love my children more. It's a choice & I choose my children.

I think AC would agree to anything I did at this point because of complete burnout dealing with CFM alone for a long time. I assured AC that I would find out more later & not make any firm decisions without ACs input. AC is SO relieved I'm 'on board'.. eye roll lol.

Perhaps if CFM was in a nursing home & perhaps with a lot of staff around & I brought bodyguards & wore armour & learned judo lol THEN perhaps I would visit CFM if my safety was assured as much as possible lol 😉 That's a long stretch so I doubt it. We'll see.

Yes I was very loved as a child, adored even. I know now jealousy was rampant, CFM hated me. I've never understood jealousy, it's a waste of time IMO. Rumours were carried by vindictive family bc of jealousy, quite unbelievable. It just made me sad. I've never hated CFM just struggled to understand. I'll do my best to instate protective measures from a distance for CFMs safety & that's it. My happy ending 🙂

How are you going?

EM

[Croix]

Dear EM

A couple of quick things

First I was not talking of redemption between you and CFM, but CFM coming to accept CMF his or her self. Not you there at all. Only works with some people , true, some are immune. May not be realistic at all, plus depends on hte skill and experience of the medical professional involved and CFM's willingness to start.

Second The reason I put in that last line is your thought processes appear to be very preoccupied with assisting/caring for others, perhaps a reaction to something from your earlier days, I'm no doctor and would not know, just a thought.

So I'm glad you have temporarily put CFM in the too hard basket for now. Your welfare is the most important thing ATM. It may take more than the prescribed number of visits. I've had more than I can count.

Let AC worry about you.

I notice you said you needed to 'work on yourself', sometimes that means letting others work with/for you, not you alone with the responsibility. I could never improve without competent medical support, simply got worse.

Bit tired, probably not making much sense

As for me, I'm coping, ta for asking.

Croix

[ecomama]

Hi Croix

Thankyou. For me - I will begin Trauma therapy with a Specialist Psych (in tandem with my counsellor as a 'trained in the mind friend' if you will) alongside me. I am sensitive to putting too much on the people around me, AC included. AC has so much going on outside of CFM.

AC is kind of 'handing me over' to a Psych and has gently encouraged me to get specific help for trauma.

As for CFM, I doubt that any MH help will be accepted at all, as per. Not since CFM was a teen and said person had shock treatment. Since then CFM has only used counsellors cunningly (and with high intelligence and knowledge of the system) to get others in trouble.

I've no idea what 'supports' might be out there for CFM, sensitively regarding CFMs need for autonomy and independence. That is for a later time for me to find out. It will be a difficult path for me to navigate for CFM. And done remotely AND with no one else finding out lol etc. My own MH / MHIs are compounding the whole situation for me.

Even mentioning CFMs name is triggering.

Anyway that's for another time. Not today.

Today I am going back to work after 5d off.

Yes, thankyou for pointing out to me that I try to help people a lot. This is good and bad for me lol. I will bring it up in Trauma Counselling. My entire life, even in childhood, it has been this way. My whole career is focussed on helping the most vulnerable in society. I was one of these people once, and still am in many ways. I'm the 'go to' person at work, dealing with the most difficult people, so it's a tough gig lol, but I LOVE the people I support.

I have been told and read research on the most effective amount of time spent in trauma therapies. Some have to keep moving on to Psych after psych until they find one that 'gels' and their approach is matched etc. On top of this, which can be exhausting enough lol, I understand also that 20-30 sessions and life long support from trauma specialists is what I'm looking at. I think that's correct for me. It has been echoed, unprompted by other psychs for my particular case. I have health cover once MHCP runs out. It's ok. It's a priority.

Besides the 5 goals I made in the MHCP, integrating myself from dissociation must be a goal. I hope this works.

I hope you have a good day.

EM