new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Dear Croix

From your posts, perhaps I could describe you as many things; intelligent, well read or well movied lol, wise, witty and a bit cheeky but never 'inadequate' in any way.

Thankyou for your thoughtful posts in here. You 'caught' me when I was new here and very nervous. Thankyou for your empathy and kind responses.

I really appreciate you.
EM

[Mara56]

Dear Croix,

I second everything Ecomama said. You are many things but never inadequate. I will always be grateful for the generous way you welcomed and supported me in this online group. It was really hard for me to post on this forum, your warm and affirming responses to my post have helped me keep my head above water.

Your insightful suggestions have been very appreciated.

In gratitude

Mara

[Mara56]

Dear Em,

I couldn’t agree with you more. I feel for the Police, they try so hard to put these despicable, pieces of slime away and the Courts let them and society down every time. I honestly believe that Magistrates should be held to account, especially when these offenders perpetrate again.

I agree with your eldest daughter. Every time I see an inadequate sentence being handed down, I want to march to Parliament House and demand change.

I hated the Nuns. I was good kid but still got physical punishment a couple of times. My mother insisted us girls go to a Catholic all girls school. She was paranoid about us spending time with boys, the possibility of an unmarried pregnancy was her greatest fear. Oh the shame..... What would the neighbours think? Lol. Shame she didn’t watch the men in the family, they were a far greater risk to us girls than any boy could be.

I am so sorry for what your daughter went through. She is a brave, courageous little girl. I am so glad she has you as her Mum. They say the sooner that help is sought the better the chance of healing. She is fortunate that you have the awareness and have got her the help she needs.

I can only imagine how painful it has been for you watching your precious daughter go through this. As parents, we would rather suffer the pain ourselves than watch our children go through it. Certainly, that is how I feel about my children.

My son was a beautiful boy. His death was so unnecessary. He had a medical condition which he’d had his whole life. Sadly, like a lot of young men he got complacent in relation to his treatment and paid the price with his life.

My parents were...... my psychologist kept saying to me that most people would have walked away. I couldn’t. They were so selfish. They certainly didn’t deserve to keep breathing while my precious boy was gone. That said, I’ve always believed, as Mahatma Ghandi once said “you must be the change you wish to see in the world” So I looked after them. They have been gone 10 years and I do not miss them.

You are right about trust. For me it must be earned and even then, I’m wary.

How proud you must be of your children. They have clearly taken after their compassionate mother.

Much love to you too.

Mara

[Croix]

Dear EM and Mara~

I guess the first thing to say is your caring thanks does more than you probably realise.

Having a badge 'Community Champ' means little, and I not only require frequent treatment but at times I have doubts that what I say will be something helpful. Just about everyone here is fragile and needs to be given the gentlest words one can.

That first joke made me wait uncertain until you responded, but it was worth trying to introducing a smidgen of humor in this place full of grim tales.

You both deserved warm welcomes, nobody could have deserved them more. You also deserve more from life, though I'm not sure how. There is no point in me defending the police, some are good and some are not, they are bound by practicalities and the law.

Magistrates too are bound by law and precedent. An adversarial system is completely unsuitable for your situations, it took a royal commission to partially uncover abuse in a small section of society.

Sadly I've no real answers, I guess simply "keep the faith" and keep try when you can. It is only public pressure that will help resolve matters, and many are not up to doing that. No fault of theirs, and they should not feel guilty if that can't do anything. Abuse is a deep injury, and some recover better than others.

I know your stories are more complex than straight abuse.

At least here you can talk, and maybe help each other in a supportive atmosphere

Croix

[Mara56]

Hi Croix,

It is easy to see why you’re a Community Champ. Your warmth and care comes through in response you make. I am glad that Em and my thanks touched you. You deserve every ounce of gratitude. I totally understand what you mean about all of us being fragile, I can certainly relate to that.

You are so right in relation to the Police. There are good and bad in all professions. They are human. That said, I honestly believe that when it comes to child abuse, they work extremely hard to bring perpetrators to Court. You are right about the Courts too. I just wish Magistrates would apply the maximum sentence every so often. It might take a good protest march and lobbying Parliament. Perhaps in time I’ll do just that.

You are very insightful Croix. Em and my abuse are indeed complex. I sometimes wish I was only dealing with one trauma rather than several.

It is good being able to share here on this forum. I am grateful to you and Em. It has helped enormously talking to you both.

Take care

Mara

[blondguy]

Hi EM...Mara and Croix

I havent been online for a few days.... I just noticed a very helpful post by Mara56 that reflected my own path to finding some peace after having mental health issues for such a long period of time

Mara56 mentioned "after years of therapy I'm finally connecting to the justifiable rage I have in relation to the trauma which is allowing me to express it. For all of my life, I've have struggled to be able to cry and I've never
been able to access anger before"

You are an amazing person EM....great to have you as part of the Beyond Blue forums too 🙂

my kind thoughts always

Paul

[ecomama]

Dear Croix, no words can express the deep gratitude I have for your apt, perfect, responses to me at first. Okay they became more cheeky as time went on since way back then, all those days ago... your attunement to others' needs is a gift.
Is attunement a word? Maybe in French?

I struggle with my first language not translating into English at all sometimes!

You are a gift. You must have the gentlest of natures. I hope my boys grow up to be just like you.... they're on their way! They're awesome too 🙂 BTW that's the biggest compliment a mother could give lol.

That's all, no crying tonight, not even tears of gratitude.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Dear Mara

Getting back to our 'snap' list lol.
Police. snap.
Grrrrrr the 'teachers' you had. snap.
Courts. snap.
Anarchy? My daughter would LOVE you lol.
Protest march. snap. I'll march with you, even hold a placard.

I sense perfectly directed fury emanating from you Mara.... WELL DONE.
We SHOULD be furious when justice is denied.
I can't imagine where you place the fury about your son's passing Mara, I really don't.
Your son passed way too soon. If only he realised, darling boy. More big hugs.

My youngest daughter had sexual assault counselling the minute she could. It lasted for ages. Now she is with a different psych for complex issues. On the weekend she asked for a more specific therapy, so this I'll organise asap. I have a childhood psych friend who has guided us & Victims Services are incredible. Things are difficult but she knows how much we all love her & will do everything we can for her. Since this she is learning how to play all sorts of musical instruments, she has a voice with the range of Mariah Carey, so her singing teacher was training her for Opera...
she dumped singing lessons lol.

My eldest daughter is gaining grants, without applying for them, for her studies. She understood mental health issues more than most people I know, before beginning her studies years ago.

The others... well watch out for an extremely 'clean' police force. Some of my boys want to study law first and maybe go into politics lol... (my eldest daughter is a conscientious objector). SO... that's making for fun family gatherings. Actually it's fine, a reverence & respect for the path each child chooses is part of our family culture. The ones who grew up here anyhow.

Well today I did it! I phoned my new psych's clinic AND thrashed through dates and times till I MADE MY FIRST appointment yay! OMG I seriously wondered if I'd get this far. The relief is tangible & that's only after making an appointment lol.
And tonight I phoned an old school friend I'd been putting off for 2+ years (like them all). I reached out & was so warmly received. We laughed. Talked about 10y of therapies. His childhood & Military Service traumas. He's flying down to stay as soon as his state border re-opens, I didn't deny him this time, I'm ACTUALLY excited. I wasn't sure if I could feel happiness or excitement again. Not a bf, more like a dear cousin.

Slowly putting my life back together. Thankyou for being a dear friend.

Love EM

[Mara56]

Hi Paul,

Thank you. I am glad you connected to my comment about anger. I suspect a large proportion of people with PTSD struggle with putting the anger where it belongs, I know I certainly have. But it is so freeing once you do that. I am so glad you have found that freedom.

Take care

Mara

[Mara56]

Hi Em,

It sounds like you and your daughter are my soul mates! LOL. I can't help it, if I see an injustice I feel that as a society we have a responsibility to speak up. I can't help myself. LOL. Yes we should march together.

Do you know I spoke on the phone to my son a week before he died. I could tell just by talking to him that he needed to see a Dr. He said "Ah Mum those asthma medications cost money" I said "A funeral costs more" He replied "Yes, but I won't have to pay for it..." A week later he was gone. Such an unnecessary loss of a beautiful person. I will miss him till the day I leave this earth.

I am so glad your daughter got help early on. I'm also glad that she has the awareness, and clearly feels safe with you, to ask for more help. She is a very brave young lady and so fortunate to have you as a Mum. So glad she has music as an outlet. I think music is very healing. Who knows maybe she'll go back to singing one day, mind I can understand if she's reluctant to sing opera. LOL.

It sounds like all your children are well rounded and have benefited from your awareness and their experience in your family.

So pleased you reached out to your old school friend. I've been doing a little bit of that myself this week. I hope that he can come and visit you soon. Something to look forward to.

Well I better head off, although honestly I could talk to you for hours. Mind being limited by the number of characters is always challenging for me. LOL.

Take care Em.

Love

Mara