new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Croix]

Dear Ecomama and Mara

> BTW that's the biggest compliment a mother could give lol.
> You deserve every ounce of gratitude.

Now you two have finally done it -words fail me." "

That's probably a first time for a walrus

On a more serious note I'm very glad you have not given up on people, there are many worthy honest and steadfast as well as caring. Ill fortune meant you saw too many of the other sort.

EM - why prejudge where a re-kindled friendship may go? Enjoy any aspect, small or large, and enjoy your newfound confidence in other areas too. To trust oneself is hard (I know)

Croix

Croix

[Guest_1643]

thank you Ecomama, Paul, Mara, Croix and apologies if I missed anyone. The insights on this thread are beautiful. You have truly created a safe and fun dialogue about trauma. I'm glad to be a part of it and read on 🙂

[ecomama]

Dear Sleepy21, I'm so glad you could join us! Please share whatever you're comfortable with.

I'm realising more and more how little I can share outside this forum.

I usually only try to share what I have to, to make sense of my actions eg taking long leave next week. The people I work with go to make plans with me, within work, and this week I've had to say "I won't be here next week".

Right now I know they depend on me, but if I don't take time out, my MH will so much worse for it. If I rest with those conversations too long, the guilt comes over me.

Anyway sighhhhh. My bosses are supportive. My colleagues are just IDK, shocked maybe?
We've al soldiered through this covid time, working full time and with a lot of anxiety for some.

But in talking more openly with friends.... they often say things like "Just move on now", "you don't want to waste the rest of your life..." etc.

I'm TRYING to move on. I've TRIED to move on in earnest! I am "moving on" in my own way but I KNOW that I must resolve the rumination, flashbacks etc.

I just need more support and here I don't feel so bad saying that. Outside, people just don't understand and that's ok, in fact I'm RELIEVED in lots of ways if they don't! This means to me that they didn't have lots of awful experiences in childhood and they didn't have shockingly abusive relationships. For that I am grateful.

Right now, I just need my closest people to just say supportive things about me seeking more specific help for trauma. Having to remind them, relate in SOME way to them and justify my actions is absolutely exhausting. It's a toll.

And this is the "risk" of reaching out, especially if I haven't spoken to the person for a while. It's exhausting lol. Mainly only if that what I described above happens too much in the call.

I do have 1 other incredibly amazing friend who just simply "gets it". She worked in women's refuges and the safe room in Courts for women victims of DV. She saw so much and so many of us react the same way. She's also a friend from school - getting a theme here lol. She came to the safe room with me.

The problem was... apparently... was that I didn't "look" like a victim. Blah whatever that's supposed to mean grrr. To me it means that I had a LOT of practice putting on a "face" and the right "dresscode" and the right "demeanour" to go out into the world. To me I had had far too much practice having to do that. Which is true.

So glad you're here Sleepy
EM

[ecomama]

Aww walrus Croix, maybe they broke the mold after you were born.

Ummm I'm not pre-judging where this friendship may go lol, I have a bf in another country!
So it's more about stating clear boundaries. I haven't told my bf that my male friend is coming down, it's too early for that and things may change. Male friend usually stays in a motel and usually sees a lot of other old school friends, together and apart. All good. When I speak to my bf this weekend, I'll tell him. The thing is that.... this male friend had proposed to me soon after my last marriage ended years ago. He lives in another state, so it wasn't too awkward. I said "maybe next lifetime lol". Male friend even offered to fly overseas with me to meet the man I was going to travel with, who became my bf.

I'm a loyal and faithful person, so this has all been discussed with all parties lol. My bf trusts me. I trust my insistence on firm boundaries also.

Croix you are very worthy of all those compliments. Mara and I don't usually say things we don't mean 😉

EM

[ecomama]

Dear Mara, I could talk to you for hours too lol. Indeed you are soul mates with all my daughters lol. Eldest daughter is probably organising some type of rally atm, probably environmental. 

Heavens, what a crazy call with your son! How horrible to know he was ill. Much worse to know this was your last call with him. Don't you wish you could scold him once more? I do! grrrrr I don't know where to place your anger with that one but I'm angry too about that, so where?
sighhhhh ofcourse you will miss him your entire life.

At the loss of her son, my mother said "It's like cutting your arm off, then you have to try to live your life without that arm. You always miss it. Every day..". So sad Mara. Big hugs.

I always run out of words too and go back and put a '&' where all 'ands' are. There's a tip lol.

I have asked adult victims of child sexual assault, in time, what do you wish your mum had done for you? I asked police, SA counsellors and ofcourse my baby herself. Their responses in a nutshell:
* just "be there" and hold me when I'm crying
* let me sleep with you when I've had a nightmare.
* don't ask questions
* I wish my mum had believed me (dear God..)
* I wish this hadn't made my mum go crazy, she's lost it now with the guilt.
* I wish my mum had fought in Court so I didn't have to see (abuser) again
* I wish my mum had kicked the abuser out after I told her, and not me.
there was so much more and I'm still open to advice.

The abuser told my daughter that I knew and I would be really angry with her if she told anyone. I would fill the rest of this post with expletives in reaction to that one. So angry about that.

My darling girl must have been so confused all her life. She knew instinctively that I was a "safe" person because she breastfed for SO many years. She slept with me etc. She sleeps with me still whenever she needs to or wants to. Minus the dog please lol. The dog is driving me crazy all night.

3 days before my leave starts. Stress cranking up at work as people give me so many important jobs to complete before I leave. My replacement will only be able to do a basic job. I do a specialist job with years of training and experience. I'm writing report after report & I feel pretty bad about leaving them at this time, covid has NOT helped. We are snowed under.

Yesterday I made my appointment for next week with my new Specialist Trauma Psych.
Yay

Love
EM

[Chellc]

Hi Ecomania, I'm new at this too. Thank you for sharing and helping others feel more at ease in sharing as well. I remember when I was very young I tempted fate by saying out loud "I want to experience everything life can offer", I now wish I never said it because I don't think I have missed a thing. My whole concept of life has been shattered. what I thought I was doing really well at, the most important job of all, being a mother, I feel like I've failed now failed too. All i can suggest to you, not knowing your circumstances, do what is right for you, what is morally, legally and personally right, not for your children, but for you. In doing so, you develop your core, your personal assets that is your "motto' for want of a better word. Things you don't budge in. Those are the things your children will see and know about you as sure as breathing. You could devote 30 years doing everything for your kids and when it's time for them to spread their wings, they wouldn't have even noticed a damn thing. When you protected/covered for them and copped a beating for your efforts. They will never see how you protected them from the ugliness of violence. And, sometimes children won't tell you the full story either, they think, to protect you.

You can devote all your life to your kids but unless you develop your own life, you become part of the problem.

You are the most important thing in their life, show them how to live by having your own entity, what you essentially want for them. Find an activity that you enjoy, doesn't matter what it is, just know it's for you. You can't look after anyone if you fall over in a heap. As selfish as it sounds, out yourself first, if you don't, no-one else will, and your kids won't either.

Sorry for the rant, I hope it helps, you sound like a very strong person, and this isn't meant to be gender specific, I have seen the worst and best from all genders.

Chellc

[Mara56]

Dear Croix,

I hope the Walrus isn't speechless for too long, I value his wisdom.

Thankfully somehow, I've always believed that there are more good people in this world than bad. Sadly though, the bad do so much damage it is sometimes hard to see the good. I've been blessed, rather late in life to meet a beautiful man. Someone who knew what he wanted and despite my attempts at putting many obstacles in the way, he just leaped over those obstacles. I often joke that he parachuted over my walls. Our journey has not been without problems, his children were not happy that he moved on after the death of his wife. So it has been tough at times. That said, I am so glad I took the risk to let him into my life.

In terms of the many honest, worthy people in this life, this forum is evidence of that.

Take care

Mara

[Mara56]

Dear Sleepy21,

I second Ecomama's comment we're glad to have you as part of this thread. It is such a relief to be able to share the weight of past traumas in a safe environment. Feel free to join the conversation when you're ready.

Take care

Mara

[Mara56]

Dear Em,
The anger I feel in relation to my son is directed at his father. His father always disputed the seriousness of his asthma. The only reason he did that was because he was trying to pay even less maintenance that the pittance he paid. He told my son at 4 years of age that his asthma was in my head and that he would never have to go to hospital again. Consequently when my youngest fell sick in his care one time, he didn't take him to hospital. By the time he did, after I pushed him to take him, the poor kid ended up in HDU. When my son was in ICU hooked up to life support & the Drs are telling me the reason this happened to him is because of the damage to his lungs as result of the severity of his asthma when he was younger. I can't tell you the depth of the rage I feel towards his father. Is it any wonder the boy struggled to accept his condition when his poor excuse for a father was contradicting constantly. So much rage towards that man.

Your mother's description is apt. For me though, it's like I can't breathe. Strangely I developed asthma a few years before my son died. It is an ongoing issue for me now. I've had pneumonia several times. I have told my psych numerous times that if he ever wasn't a case study on how grief and trauma impact health, then I'm the perfect example. I can't tell you how many surgeries I've had, I've lost count but I think it's something like 14 since he died. I had 4 in a 12 month period. When you can't take pain medication, surgery is a trauma in itself.

What a wise Mother you are. I am so impressed with your dedication to supporting your daughter through her trauma. How I wish my mother could have had that awareness. I remember telling her some of what happened to me when I was in my 30's. She didn't listen, the whole time she kept going on about what she had been through. There is no denying she had a terrible life, but what difference it would have made if she had just listened and put her arms around me. Your daughter is so blessed to have such an aware Mama.

Do not feel bad about taking leave. You must take care of yourself. Work will survive till you get back.

So excited for you that you have your appointment next week with your trauma specialist. I truly hope it all goes well for you. I'll be interested to hear how it all goes.

Take care

Mara

[ecomama]

Hi Chellc! welcome. I see you're only 2 posts in, so it's a huge compliment that you could join us here, we're a welcoming, open and honest bunch 🙂

I can see the trust building as we each tell more & more of our story.

Yes 'life' hey. Who would've guessed that we've shared some of the horrors and survived.

I'm dealing with a very alive dog barking it's brains out right next to me atm, so there! Gosh everyone wants a piece of me the minute I walk in, even the dog! I have to say "one minute, I just have to use the loo!" sometimes the conversation goes on through the loo door. They'll be gone in a 'minute' as far as childhood goes.

Thankyou for your wise words. I have been parenting for over 30 years lol.... still going with lots still at home, still at school, some have moved out. I miss them though lol and try not to 'bug' them too much by texting all the time. I have my work cut out for me in all sectors but I've had to deal with too many trauma responses and I've had enough of it, hence the trauma specialist next week.

I used to be a very sociable person but the DV was particularly brutal in all it's 8 forms so it changed me a lot. With my big family of children and grandchildren to take care of plus working, I didn't have time to do anything else, much less energy.

But I do garden a lot. We have chickens and other pets. I have a gardening thread here. After years of neglect (because of years of Courts etc) I'm discovering my garden again. It's like a full scale archaeological dig site lol! Somehow God - Mother Earth protected my most precious fruit trees! I can't quite believe they survived under huge waves of lantana. Some trees I planted with one of my children, birthed the concept with that child, then purchased it & planted it with that same child. The child put an 'bespoke' border around it with me, very special. It's quite the metaphor actually.

Under what others may consider crap ie lantana, we can find a beautiful living tree, ready for care & bring forth lots of fruit for us. Kind of like life. We may become buried under all the awful stuff that's happened, but we are still alive and with life there is HOPE. We may need more care, like my darling trees do, but we can bloom again and certainly bring lots of goodness to the world.

Love Ecomama (although I do like your pseudonym for me! Kind of fitting actually lol)