Lost

[Guest_2350]

Hello,

I am hoping to find some advise - I am still very new to this all. I have started seeing a psychologist and I am just so unsure about what to do. I will talk to her as well when I see her - and that is part of the problem, the long gaps inbetween.

I have various trauma and grief to go through from my early childhood until mid twenties. I have been able to live through this all and have a pretty happy life, but lately it seems crumbling and I feel disconnected from myself and from the outside.

I have made the step to see someone but I am so scared to open the gates. Will I be able to cope and what strategies can I put in place to cope? The couple of times that we touched on certain subjects left me raw, insecure and exhausted. I cannot communicate the strength of feelings, being completely overwhelmed. It is so difficult for me and I am not sure what I want to do.

 What other options are there? Can it just be the wrong psychologist? Is it normal to feel lost and distressed when starting?

Thanks.

[Guest_2350]

Hi Geoff and Neil,

 thanks, I am so glad I did the run. I even thought this morning, that I should start training again - I actually printed my trainings plan. I love running as much as I am allowed now, but I just have not been able to get myself motivated for a good 3-4 months now. It makes me feel better in the morning, at the moment I just feel so flat when I go to work, whereas I used to be bubbling with energy.

All I wanted to do towards the end of the run, was to curl up and hide. The buzz was great throughout the run, I think it just got too noisy at the end and my foot was killing me. But we cannot curl up and hide, I think if we do that, the clouds are winning, or the black dog or whatever else you call this plague - what do you call it? So I gritted my teeth, thought of you three and pushed through.

Neil, do you run? What is your favourite run? I love running barefoot on the grass and off-road/track through nature.

Your body building comp and the preparation sounds really intricate and definitely hard work! You must be very talented and disciplined! How old is your daughter? It is great that she is a part of your journey! When you compare the photos of the different weeks, do you change strategy? Have you read Arnold Schwarzeneggers biography? I read about half of it - up to where he started going into politics and found it very interesting.

 I am in two minds about Europe. I cannot cancel it anymore (I have cancelled another overseas trip last week). Just that I have started to open pandoras box / or started peeling the onion, I am going back to where it all happened. I am just worried that more things will come back. On the other hand you are right, travelling creates so many memories and there are lots of experiences to look forward to.

Have a great evening, Yggy x

[Neil_1]

Hi there Yggy

Well, way back in the day I was fairly useful at speed stuff and enjoyed sprinting, but I also really loved the long distance stuff.  Now that I’ve aged, my love the long distance stuff has grown.  Unfortunately now though, I’m a bit restricted in running as when I start up, it’s never too much later that I’ll come down in a knee or ankle injury – and as you know, injuries are big time frustrating.

So in the mid-2000’s I had a lash at a couple of ultra distance events – 6 hour events and I LOVED them – but holy smoke, the following day, I was aching in places that I thought muscles would never have lived!   But those were great and I’d love to have a go at something like that again or even further, but I’ve now got the bodybuilding thing going and the two aren’t overly conducive to each other.

But I really enjoy road running a lot – and don’t mind trail running also.

How did your foot pull up in the days after the C2S ?  Better?  Have you been able to get out for another gallop recently?

This plague thing can be termed many things – but yes, Black Dog is a very common term for it.  The mongrel black dog is another term and I could go on, but I reckon you get the gist by now.  🙂

My daughter will be 15yo next month and takes a pretty keen interest in it all.  It’s amazing as she told me not so long ago (I don’t think I’ve told you this previously, though I remember telling somebody, somewhere) that in school when they were being taught things in food and nutrition, that all that they mentioned in a couple of classes, she already knew, courtesy of knowing about things from what I’ve told her over the years.  THAT made me feel good.

It sure is about her being a part of the journey and then on comp day, she’ll either be the video taker or behind the camera.  🙂

Sometimes strategy can change, depending on how the weight is or how I’m looking, but for the most part, I’m able to stick to my pre-planned routine, of exercise, cardio, nutrition, water, sleep and rest – all as important as each other.  Photos are a no-lie aspect though – so they’re good to rely on, especially for how you were going a couple of years ago at the same stage.

That’s amazing – I read half of Arnie’s book also, but couldn’t get into the political side of things.

I’m assuming you’re travelling overseas with hubby – this should be a huge protection and safety measure for you?

Neil

[Guest_2350]

Hi Neil!

 Hope you had a good day! Mine was ok, but feel a bit deflated after meeting with my GP, I think I just have to take it one day at a time...

Great that you've done some ultras! One day I want to do one as well 🙂 My foot is a little better, but I think one of the little bones is dislocated, will be good tomorrow, my chiro is good at getting things back to where they belong 😉 I will still go for a run tomorrow morning, I can always hobble back.

Funny that we both read half of Arnies book! I found the body building section the best, the movie part ok and then it became boring. Have you read some ultra books? I really enjoyed Iron War, The Long Run, also Finding Ultra and especially Born to Run. I've read Born to Run twice, once before I started running barefoot and once since - makes a lot more sense since I am running barefoot! 

It is great that your daughter is so close to you and I am sure she learns heaps! You are a great example for her! I am sure she is excited at comp day! 

I better get some rest now, I am exhausted lately, sleep early and wake early 😞

Have a good day tomorrow, Yggy x

[Neil_1]

Yggy

That’s never a good leaving any kind of appointment with a deflated feeling.  I do hope you’ve got mechanisms in place “now” so you’re able to provide yourself with a bit of a boost.  We ALL need a bit of a boost if we’ve experienced something that has flattened us out a bit.  I hope you’re doing ok?

Ultra’s really interest me massively.  I love road running a lot – as it is so easy to see the distances that you cover, firstly by just being out there & after a fair while, you’re able to look back & realise that’s where you were, or where you started out from, etc.  It’s a really awesome feeling of achievement.  The other running is country roads - as there’s less cars (usually) plus so much more to see - different paddocks, trees, animals, dams, etc that you run past.

Please be super careful with anything bone related Yggy – as I’m sure you’re already well aware anyway – do take care with that.  It’s pleasing to know that you’ve got a good chiro who can look after you.  I really hope that it gets better for you, so you’re able to get out & run.  As when you enjoy something like that, it’s so good for us;  not only physically, but mentally as well.

Another book called:  “Flex Ability” is a ripper.   Kenny (Flex) Wheeler’s story - his journey through bodybuilding.  His book & story, I thought, made for excellent reading.  I’d definitely recommend that.

That’s amazing also for you to be a ‘barefoot’ runner – I honestly don’t know how you can do it – or anyone do it, for that matter.  I guess it’s a matter of becoming used to it & the soles of your feet really do harden up.  But I’d be always super scared of glass for starters, but so many other things, like sharp sticks or twigs, sharp rocks, etc.

I’ve heard of Born To Run & might have to get a copy.   I’ve read Finding Ultra - really enjoyed it.   Haven’t heard of Iron War or The Long Run - will have to investigate those.  I love books that is about a way of life, achievements & the journey to get there.

I’ve got more books at home, so I’ll have to jot down the good ones & get back to you.

The best running book I’ve read is:  Dean Karnazis’s first book “Ultra Marathon Man – Confessions of an All-Night Runner”.  While there’s some, um, soppy kind of “best buddies” or “best family ever” parts in it, for the most part it is truly inspirational & that was what set me to running long distances.

Neil

[Guest_2350]

Hi Neil,

I will write back on the weekend 🙂 I do feel better, but still having a rollercoaster... Yesterday at work was actually great, I just submerged in a big presentation with my headphones on and worked away happily. Hopefully I have another day like that today!

Hope you're well and progressing towards comp day! Yggy x

[geoff]

dear Yggy, the love from our children is just so beautiful, just as Neil was saying about his daughter, I think that she is a solid rock for Neil and that's just beautiful.

Running and playing sport which I once loved but after hip operations I haven't even begun to try and run, but good on you for doing it, and by doing this and loving it causes your endorphins to fire away, and this then can flow through to the rest of the day. L Geoff. x

[White_Rose]

Dear Yggy

Glad to hear you are having some good days. It really affirms our determination to carry on trying. Had a hard few weeks but now trying to put in some hard work. I wish it got easier.

Anyone who takes up running voluntarily gets my vote for bravery. It seems such a huge effort when you can get fit by going to the gym. Which I suppose is a way of saying horses for courses. Although I'm not a runner I can imagine the buzz of flying along and getting into a rhythm. I've been walking where this happens. Thoughts come and go but on a far more positive level. Solved a few difficulties when out walking.

How are your preparations for the holiday going? It is so exciting to decide what you need to take with you and then pack it all. I invariably take far more than I need because "you never know what might happen". In the end I think I am wearing clothes just because I packed them and haven't yet worn them.

Keep up the great work.

Cheers, Mary

[Guest_2350]

Hello Mary & Neil & Geoff,  

Thank you all for your messages! I don’t feel so alone on my journey.   I think I am still struggling with accepting that I am not well. How do you break the “news” to your friends? I tried it today with a friend and I just did not know what to say. How do you start the conversation? “I have not been feeling well lately” I’ve been diagnosed with C-PTSD and depression”... These are friends that I only made in Australia and they have no idea... and I don’t really want to talk about what happened. I’ve even only told my husband that I am a little depressed so far. I really don’t know what to say 😞 I don’t want to talk to my friends in Europe, they are so far away...  

I am doing ok, I’ve been taking some herbs from the naturopath and I am sure they are numbing me a bit. I still wake a lot at night. I still feel sad and flat.  

I am trying to work through some organisational stuff with the Europe trip and hope once I have that all sorted I will feel better. It is a lot to organise.  I’ve also got some medication from my GP to help with my intolerance – eating has been stressing me out a lot lately. Unfortunately at the moment I don’t really feel like going, as I will go back to bad memories as well and I am not sure how to handle this.  

Neil, ultras are awesome! I wanted to do the Swissalpine Marathon this year – unfortunately I had to move this back with last years injury.  I have a connective tissue disorder and can dislocate bones easily – I try to be careful, but it does not always help. Barefoot running helps because I can feel my body in space better and I have improved a lot since throwing all cushioned and heeled shoes away. I had splinters, stones and bindis in my feet, but so far have been lucky. It really is about getting used to being barefoot and developing a more gentle approach to walking and running. By the way, I do not run only barefoot, I do wear light shoes on rough trails 🙂  

Flex Ability sounds interesting, not just about body building but building a life – I will have to get a copy. Will also get the Ultramarathonman! Iron War is a triathlon book, I loved reading about the epic race between Dave Scott and Mark Allen.    

I will write a second post, so much to say 🙂

[Guest_2350]

Geoff, children are really the best. I miss mine a lot since they have left home.  

I hope you have found some exercises / movement that keep you active after a hip operation! How long will your recovery take?  Do you have to do a lot of physio?  

Mary, I hope it will get easier for you soon! What do you mean by putting in hard work? Is the hard work of trying to cheer myself up again sufficient?  

Whether running or walking, I think the benefits are similar. Like you said solving issues during a walk and also getting endorphins is really nice. Do manage to walk often?  

I hope you all have a nice weekend plans and spend time with your family and friends.  

Take care, Yggy xox

[White_Rose]

Dear Yggy

I am a little confused by your post.

You said, "Mary, I hope it will get easier for you soon! What do you mean by putting in hard work? Is the hard work of trying to cheer myself up again sufficient?"

I have had a few hard weeks with all sorts of emotional turmoils. Now I need to put in some hard work to sort them out and gain some sort of equilibrium. I was not referring to your hard work. I know how difficult it has been for you and you are getting on top of things, which is very hard work. I hope you do not think I was denigrating you in any way. It would be grossly insulting to you and I do not do things like that.

So very sorry for any misunderstanding.

Mary