Lost

[Guest_2350]

Hello,

I am hoping to find some advise - I am still very new to this all. I have started seeing a psychologist and I am just so unsure about what to do. I will talk to her as well when I see her - and that is part of the problem, the long gaps inbetween.

I have various trauma and grief to go through from my early childhood until mid twenties. I have been able to live through this all and have a pretty happy life, but lately it seems crumbling and I feel disconnected from myself and from the outside.

I have made the step to see someone but I am so scared to open the gates. Will I be able to cope and what strategies can I put in place to cope? The couple of times that we touched on certain subjects left me raw, insecure and exhausted. I cannot communicate the strength of feelings, being completely overwhelmed. It is so difficult for me and I am not sure what I want to do.

 What other options are there? Can it just be the wrong psychologist? Is it normal to feel lost and distressed when starting?

Thanks.

[Guest_2350]

Good morning All,

 how come I always feel worse when the weekend is coming closer or when I am having happy events? I try to be so positive, but I cannot really feel the excitement, feel the happiness, everything feels so - I don't know, insignificant? The same? Sometimes all I want to do is just lie there on the floor and look at the ceiling.

 I feel terrible when I make people feel bad or worry, perhaps I should be happy that I care about that. I had a bit of a slump yesterday and I could feel the other person was a bit concerned. All I wanted to do was cry. I am tired to pretend all is good. I think all is good, or even great, but I don't feel it that way. I think I will spend some time with my gratitude diary now - that should cheer me up.

Have a great weekend all! Yggy x

[Guest_2350]

Hello All,

I am starting to sound and feel like a broken record and my mood cycles are making me mad and I get angry at times. I was told that this could be the phase where I just walk away and use my old strategies to avoid my feelings until I cannot avoid them again and I think I am getting to this point. I don't feel like anything of this is really helping. Perhaps I should just kick my little butt, tell myself others are worse off and plot along.

Keep well, Yggy x

[White_Rose]

Dear Yggy

This is a horrid time for you and I know you want to get through it with the minimum of pain. I noticed that you made several astute observations in your last few posts. I would like to explore them with you.

You talked to your doctor for an hour basically without crying and feel pleased about this. Crying is appropriate at times but on this occasion you were able to manage your emotions so that you could have a constructive conversation. Great! And as you said, you covered some ground. This is what to hold in your mind. Baby steps will take you further and more quickly on your journey. In this instance managing your emotions, not pushing them away or denying them, resulted in another step forward.

You are taking small steps to get back to the world and realised that some days will be better than others. That's a great check on reality. Also, "it is OK not to feel happy when I do something happy, and do it anyway." That is a huge insight. One suggestion, "Hopefully I can keep this spirit up" don't be too hard on yourself on days when the spirit flys away.

I don't know what it is about the weekend either. Before I retired the weekend often felt like a let down. All week I was in the company of others and concentrating on my work. Come the weekend I was busy washing, shopping, cleaning etc but it was on my own. And anyway those are three jobs I really dislike. (I think I was born to have servants to do all that mundane stuff.) Even though I do not go to work I am quite busy in the week and the weekend feels the same as before so I plan ahead to have activities that get me outside.

It is really compassionate of you to care about the feelings of others even though you feel bad. It's good you recognise this. "perhaps I should be happy that I care about that." All these traits make you the person you are; caring, strong, good insight into yourself, determined and articulate.

Recognizing you want to revert to your old strategies is good insight. A while ago you would not have realised this and would just go ahead. It's really hard when you cannot see how much progress you have made. Sometimes it seems such a small amount that's it not worth pursuing. Can you think of it as laying a good foundation, just like building a house. The foundation of a new house takes time and effort to construct with very little to show for it. It's not until the building starts to come out of the ground that you can see all the work. You are in the foundation. Stay with it.

Mary

[Guest_2350]

Good morning Mary,

Thank you for your post and for your explanations. Although it does make sense, I am still in an angry state and cannot fully absorb your words. I just want to run out of this room called depression / PTSD / the black dog or whatever you want to name it and slam the door shut, noisily and with full anger and force. I am just so p* off that I opened that door - or I was pushed in the room, or whatever - I think I just woke up in there one morning and realised I had been there for a while.

I will just stew over my anger for a while and try to channel the energy into something productive. I feel so much rage in my head! I did a half day hike yesterday, that calmed me down (or exhausted me) well enough for a good night's sleep and it kept me busy.

I hope you are ok and your weekend is not full of housework! Thank you for being there for me!

[White_Rose]

Dear Yggy

I read your post in the early hours this morning not long after you posted it. Decided not to respond immediately in case I pushed you into a screaming fit. (smile) I have tried to put those smiley faces onto a post but it never works. So I have given up.

I really do 'get' how you feel. I have been there so many times and I think one of my most frequent comments to the psych many years ago was to tell him how much I wanted to run away. Still do. And I still get flamingly angry when things go wrong. Actually more like when things do not go right and there's a huge difference.

I have finally come to terms with not being able to attend my church any longer. It's a long story but basically it stems from vicious bullying by the priest, who has now moved, lack of support from the hierarchy and some of the parishioners and a continuation of the attitude from a group of the parishioners. The majority of people are pleased he has gone so I don't understand. Anyway I get upset every time I go and of course it does me no good.

No housework this weekend but I did the washing and shopping and now feel quite virtuous.  Not only, I have clean clothes and food in the pantry.

Be gentle with yourself.

Mary

[Guest_2350]

Dear Mary,

I just feel so lost and confused, the rage has gone now, I think I am just too exhausted. I just wish someone could take me at the hand and walk me out of this. I am going through the motions of walking through the sunshine, eating a healthy lunch, spend time with my hubby, gardening, I've watched my happy movie... and I don't feel any better. I just wish I knew what to do... I just want to go to bed and pull the cover over my head.

I am sorry to hear about your church and I hope you will find another place where you feel happy and safe. A church should not be a place of bullying and making you uncomfortable - you deserve a place where you can connect with your religion in peace. Do you have an alternative?

Hope you are ok, Yggy x

[Guest_2350]

Dear Mary,

how are you? Hope you are well. Have you found a conclusion to your church group? I hope you will find a nice new group. Have you got nice plans for the weekend, apart from housework?

I am ok, I have been sick all week and surprisingly, too tired to be upset. I think my brain just slowed down and left me alone. One positive of being sick 😉 I have to start packing on the weekend, my trip is coming closer and we will have a BBQ with friends on Sunday, so that is something to look forward to.

Take care, Yggy x

[White_Rose]

Dear Yggy

I wanted to reply to you earlier but have been so exhausted with all the emotional stuff that has been happening that I feel I cannot offer anything even vaguely sensible. Feeling more relaxed now.

I went shopping to the local scrapbooking shop this morning, Saturday, booked myself into a couple of classes and bought some bits and pieces to play with later. Made me feel more motivated and less agitated.

Saw my GP on Thursday and promised to go and talk to someone about my recent suicide ideation. Not that it was likely but she felt I needed something, particularly as she is going away for three months. So I managed to find someone, have done some of my self care stuff and feel OK now. This wretched Black Dog is such a pain.

Either later today or tomorrow I will go and get some garden soil and potting mix, or more likely have it delivered. May even buy some plants as patches of my garden are looking a bit bare. And at some stage will do some scrapbooking. It takes me ages to make a couple of pages and I have so many photos I would like to scrapbook that I feel I need at least two lifetimes to complete the job.

On Monday I have to go and see a specialist about the bursitis in my hip. It has taken ages to get an appointment and meanwhile I am frequently woken by the pain. I hope this is the begining of the end, so to speak. Tuesday is a visit to the breast care doctor following up on my surgery and radiation for breast cancer. This will continue for five years until I am pronounced OK or clear or whatever it's called. Then add in visits to a new psych for my DV issues and I feel like a walking medical exhibit.

Sorry to hear you have been unwell but as you say, it does have it's good side. When do you leave on your trip? A BBQ with friends sounds great.

I wish I knew why we fall into these dark places. It seems some of them just come out of the blue. Others, such as my difficulties at the moment, arise because of my reaction to events. In some ways I think these are harder to move along because in a way it is our own fault. I know I need very much to learn how to stop the over reaction to events because all the emotional energy I use up just exhausts me. But despite my slow progress I believe I am making progress in this area. Just not fast enough.

Take care of yourself and have a lovely BBQ.

Mary

[Guest_2350]

Dear Mary,

 so sorry to hear about your struggles. I am here for you! Don't worry about vaguely sensible - I am not sure if I always make sense. I am glad you're feeling a little more relaxed now. Who is helping you through your suicide ideation? Please keep talking and working on this. You have such a wonderful personality and your children and grandchildren and I am sure many other people love you.

How long ago did you start scrapbooking? I admire people who have the patience for this. It is so creative! And I am sure it is a calming activity the same as gardening. I did gardening last weekend and enjoyed seeing all the flowers. I have two orchids in bloom at the moment.

Seeing doctors, specialists and therapists is at times a challenge. It seems as our lives are all about appointments... There are so many receptionists I can call, they know my first name, who I want to see, how long and at what times I am available - it is freightening. Only nice things is, they greet me as old friends when I walk into the practice. Good luck with the specialist for bursitis and also for the breast care follow-up!! When did you change your DV psych? Good luck with the new one, I hope the search is over for you!

 I have a week more until we leave. I actually tried to talk to my husband today. He is a very caring man and loves me very much, but he is rubbish at talking and gets very uncomfortable when he cannot help me. He will say one sentence which he thinks makes sense and then try to change the subject. It is painful to watch him wiggle in his chair. But at least I have told him a few more sentences about what is going on - we make a funny pair having this talk - me not knowing how to explain and him not knowing how to react.

I don't think it is our fault that the black dog haunts us. I think there are things that haunt us from our past, there are issues we have physically and mentally in the present and at least we are trying our best to be dealing with it.

I hope you have a peaceful Sunday tomorrow doing things you enjoy. Look after yourself Mary. Yggy x

[White_Rose]

Dear Yggy

Many thanks for your post. I feel much better now. I did go and buy the various garden requisites but they are sitting on the back patio waiting for me. Tomorrow is basically free so I will start then. Just about ready to go for another appointment.

The meeting with the breast care doctor went well. No problems at this stage which is great. The hip surgeon said surgery was a justified option but would like me to lose more weight first and see how much difference it made. Losing weight is not easy, but I have been doing this for the past few weeks and lost 4kg. Doesn't sound much in the overall scheme of things but it's a start. Just need to keep on, much like depression really. Two steps forward and one step back.

Exercise is helping with my general shape and I am most pleased with this. Did some more scrapping and almost finished the double page. I find the more I do the more creative I get. Bought some new toys to play with. I am trying to make time to go to an art class, but with all these medical appointments it's getting frustrating. I would rather paint than talk to doctors.

It's great you are trying to engage your husband, even if he does shy away. Have you given him any material to read? Sometimes this is easier for those who are a little inarticulate. He may even ask you a question. Now that would knock the socks off you.

Hope you have a wonderful holiday.

Love

Mary