Guilt over miscarriage

[Guest_922]

I had a late term miscarriage. 19 weeks and 5 days. Nothing was wrong with my baby. He was alive while I was in labour. I feel like my actions leading up to pre term labour were to blame. I was working and had a very big week. I became very ill and pushed through work. I am still ill 11 days later and they don't know what it is. whilst I had seen a doctor 4 days prior to giving birth, I didn't go back for several days, even though I knew I had become worse. I couldn't walk and was only able to crawl to shower and bathroom then back to bed. I should have called an ambulance, I should have gathered the strength to go to the hospital. I didn't and I knew I was really sick, even though my husband didn't think I was that bad. If I had maybe they would have been able to treat my illness before labour happened and my little boy wouldn't have died. I hate myself, I blame myself for his death. I have two other kids and that keeps me going but I hate myself. I feel like I died the day I gave birth to my boy and they just forgot to bury me with him. I am seeing a psychologist but they couldn't fit me in for 3 weeks. I just needed to get this off my chest without looking at my family and friends and trying to find the right answers, what they want to hear.

[Quercus]

Hi Elaria,

No your post wasn't agressive. It was honest and so so very right.

It was the same mix of helplessness and need and pain and regret and anger and hurt and longing that I heard in my friend's voice when she asked me for help.

I told her at the time that whichever politician decided the rules about accessing maternity leave after the loss of a baby deserves a frying pan to the head. I'll volunteer to do it too. Then I'll drag them to talk to SANDS and listen.

At 20 weeks you have experienced a stillbirth... but if the baby if 19 weeks it is a late term miscarriage? What idiot made that crap up!?

If your baby passes away at 20 weeks you are permitted access to maternity leave. If bub is 19 weeks you get nothing. Go back to work and slap on a happy face?? Utter BS.

When people hear the word stillborn they are horrified. "Oh my goodness that would be devestating". There is the understanding somewhat of a labour and a child to bury and mourn.

But by giving your baby the "title" of a late term miscarriage you are not even offered the most basic understanding. You gave birth. You lost a baby. You are grieving the loss of a baby. It is no different!!!

God how my heart breaks for you.

Yes. I understand completely Elaria. You have every right to be angry. Because you need the time and support and understanding to cope and it is so incredibly wrong that you're denied this.

Now it's my turn to apologise. This topic makes me so so angry because of my friend. It is so close to my heart it hurts. And I am worried about you. Because you're not ok and you shouldn't be expected to be!

I will repeat myself over and over I'm sorry.... You need to reach out to SANDS. Or hubby does on your behalf. For advice. What to do with your work. What options did others in your position find? Where can you speak to other mums locally who understand. Who you can talk to openly and know they truly honestly know how you feel.

It sounds awful but the other place my friend got some support advice from (if hubby cannot find any from other places locally) is at the morgue.

I know! This is horrific. I cried when my friend told me. They gave her so many contacts and information for support that the hospital didn't bother to.

Please ask for help Elaria. Do you have any sick leave you can access? Or is leave without pay and option? It is ok to be grumpy mummy. Grumpy mummy is a hurting woman who really needs help and TLC.

Vent away Elaria! I understand. And care.

❤ Nat

[White_Rose]

Dear Elaria

This is one of the reasons BB was founded, to give you a voice in your pain no matter where that pain comes from. Quite often others do not know what to say. Thankfully stillbirths are not as common as in our grandparent's day and we have lost the capacity to mourn with those who have suffered such a devastating loss.

I understand how hard and painful it is to talk about your hurt. Judge each conversation on your ability to talk about it. Some days will be OK while others not. You do not always have speak about it and neither should you feel you cannot talk. This is a huge pain and still very raw. I do agree with Quercus that it may be helpful to take time off work if you can afford it. Do you have any sick leave left or holidays? You can use these.

What about your superannuation? Usually there is provision for paid sick leave once you have exhausted all other leave. Check it out with your fund, not work as often no one realises this.

Try to talk to SANDS. Crying is OK and they are very used to this. It will help you.

Mary

[Guest_922]

Hi Nat and mary

I contacted sands today and got through. I am speaking to a person there over the phone and also about to start support group meetings. Thanks for your support and constant replies to me. I am so conflicted and confused by all my thoughts that I am spiralling a little. A work friend of mine today helped me see that and noticed that I have had a big shift in wanting to spend time with my kids to just wanting to sleep, being engaged in work and life and now just wanting to turn away. I’m guilt ridden and don’t know how to forgive myself. I feel as though I’ve killed my baby. That he is not here because of my inaction. I have a lot of trauma that I need to work through and with counselling (psychologist) and sands I may find a new normal. I’m Just so up and down at the moment.

[White_Rose]

Hello Elaria

So pleased you are getting support. It is so much easier to talk to others who have experienced the same loss.

You have been through huge emotional turmoil that I would be worried if you were not tired. All this takes a big toll on our bodies, so sleep as much as you can. Your children are no doubt as active as any other children. Trying to keep up with them as you did before is almost impossible as your energy is being spent elsewhere. It's OK to rest.

I don't know how you can get over feeling guilty. I can say, and I do, it's not your fault. My daughter was fine until the miscarriage and I am certain she blamed herself for what happened. And yet there was nothing to show any difficulty. Sometimes there really is no blame anywhere. Let yourself heal. No matter whose fault it was, if indeed anyone was at fault, it's now time to mourn, to talk about your baby and find some peace. Talk to your psychologist as much as you can. Talk to your family and friends as much as you are able and want. You will come to rest eventually.

Ask your GP if you should be at work and be guided by him/her in this instance. I understand work can take your mind off personal troubles. You will find your way back to yourself and I expect it will be a different you in some ways but the essential you will always be there.

Please let us know how you are going.

Mary

[Quercus]

Hi Elaria,

Sorry for the delay I wrote a reply and then hit the wrong key. I couldn't face writing it again till now.

I'm glad you spoke to SANDS and moreso that you have group therapy soon. Even if you listen and don't feel able to talk you'll know you aren't alone.

Guilt. Yes I understand. It's not your fault but you can't change how you feel inside.

When I was pregnant with my daughter life went on. I had a baby to look after. Work to go to. Chores and bills and home to maintain. We know what the doctors say but noone does it. Who can afford to?? I worked with xrays. Lifted ridiculously heavy things. The usual. The pregnancy triggered my immune system to start attacking my joints. Life went on. I couldn't walk properly. Life went on.

I fell down stairs. Stairs I should never have climbed because I wasn't really able to. But I needed clean cot sheets. We sat in the hospital. Tests. Hours. Silent hubby. Guilt. We were very lucky.

There are triggers here I'm not sure if I should write it.

Please click report if it's too much ok....

Her birth. It all went to pot. Hospital was overcrowded. They needed the obstetrician to break her waters. He was busy. So I had to wait. And wait. It was excruitating.

They told me the obstetrician said I was not permitted to push. Cross your legs and wait at all costs sort of thing. For hours. Without saying why. The midwife said later she would have been a caul birth if he had not arrived (born placenta intact). But we didn't know this. They were very serious. We were frightened.

And then the doctor. Who didn't speak apart from saying do not push. Broke her waters. No warning. I thought it was blood. They took her away without a word. I couldn't see her. Couldn't hear her. I thought I had killed her.

Guilt. Yes I understand. It doesn't go away. I was lucky. It was a lack of communication and scare tactics to cope with overcrowding. But for a little while I felt these feelings. The all encompassing guilt. My fault. My fault. They couldn't get me to stop screaming. I was hysterical.

Hubby put his hand over my mouth and told the obstetrician to get out of the f... way so I could see my daughter. He kept pointing at her and saying she's ok. You haven't hurt her. She's ok. I didn't stop screaming until she started crying.

I felt the guilt. Devestation. Self loathing. Regret. Pain. Blame. I was lucky.

It is not your fault

Easy for me to say? No not really. Because I felt it. For a little while.

❤ Nat

[Guest_922]

I hear you and others when you say it’s not my fault and I would say the same to others in a similar situation but I just don’t believe it in my case. I cannot get past the fact that my husband and I argued about getting an ambulance and that even though I knew I was too sick to sit in emergency and needed that ambulance I didn’t persist. I put his opinions over my health. I put what I thought would be his annoyance at having to look after our kids alone ahead of getting medical assistance earlier. I didn’t want to be in his debt and the reason he was unhappy. I should have stood up, I should have made the call myself. Instead I crawled into bed and began spinning and thought if I die now I am ok with that. But I didn’t die. I now feel like I am incapable of making decisions that would keep my family safe. I know my husband would do anything for our two living kids but he didn’t want this baby and although he was accepting of my decision not to terminate I know he resented me. He has been very supportive of me since and I genuinely think he cares and did care for our child. However, my perception of myself has changed. My parents are with us at the moment and the kids are doing so well with them around. If anything I am the one that makes it harder for them as I am too short with them and don’t listen or be patient enough. Sometimes I just think if I drive away they will be better off.

[White_Rose]

Dear Elaria

Please do not run away. I know how tempting is this action because I have wanted to do this myself. Not for the same reason but the same outcome, feeling unwanted and useless.

At the moment you are too distressed to really hear anything. We all do this, become so immersed in our grief that we hear no one. and continue to blame ourselves. Please forgive us if we appear to be 'pushy'. I know you will recognise it is care for you that prompts our comments.

Elaria, I know you will be able to forgive yourself at some future time. This doesn't mean you will forget your baby, it means you will gain some peace. Your pain will soften and not be so hard to bear. Not sure if you want to have some relief because you are suffering so much now, and the thought you may be able to let the pain go may well seem wrong. It's not wrong. You are needed by your family and you will find the courage to move on.

Not necessarily now, but at some time in the future it could be useful for you and your husband to have some joint counselling about your marriage and the responsibilities for each of you. If that sounds like a reasonable idea try your local branch of Relationships Australia. Or go to the person who is helping you at the moment. No rush, just something to think about.

Going back over what you 'should' have done is not helping you. It is a human trait to do this, to tell ourselves if only... Sometimes I think we do this to try and change what happened but sadly it doesn't work that way.

Keep on talking here. We will be here for you.

Mary.

[Quercus]

Hi Elaria,

Sorry I took a long time to reply. Just checking how you are managing?

This is familiar...

Sometimes I just think if I drive away they will be better off.

Yeah I think that a lot. But is a load of crap. If I got in the car and drove away all that would do is pass my hurt and worry onto my family. Frighten and upset everyone. And make me feel guilty. Because my family love me (as yours loves you).

In hindsight it is easy to see the should haves. At the time it's a different thing. When my son was a few months old he felt hot. I ummed and ahhed and thought about how the doctor would just call me a first time overanxious mum. Hubby came home and was furious. By the time we took him to the ER he was very sick. He didn't have to wait they rushed him in. I felt useless.

Hubby yelled at me. You have a thermometer. He was ridiculously hot. He was too young to medicate without seeing a doctor. You've done the kids first aid class. What is wrong with you?

My point is everything is logical in theory. But in a moment when you are distressed logic can go out the window. If I could go back my actions would be different but it is done. Focusing on the "what if" just tortures you.

What happened to your son is devestating. Torturing yourself will not bring him back. What if you had gotten the ambulance and he died regardless. You cannot know that this wouldn't have been the outcome either. You can choose to show yourself compassion. I did what I did it doesn't mean I don't love my son.

I hope you are fining some support in your group therapy.

[White_Rose]

Dear Elaria

I was convinced I had replied to you but as the post is not here I can only conclude the post is lost in the great E-abyss, or I am losing my mind. Hopefully neither of those scenarios are correct.

How are you going? I think you have joined a support group. How is that going? It is a comfort of sorts to talk to others in the same situation. I think it is also due to our lost abilities to talk to each other face to face. Well perhaps not entirely lost but greatly reduced.

I have been spending time lately going back over "should have said" scenarios. Very different to yours but also very hurting. I know I cannot change the past but I still try to reconstruct differences in the event where I will have been happier. And then you crash back into reality and the pain comes back.

I think you need the time out to stop your body from being completely overwhelmed. These are a sort of respite. I believe when you return to the present a little more of your hurt has been managed. Wanting to run away is natural. If only we could do that and leave the pain behind.

Have you decided to start at work or will you be taking some time off? Go with your instinct on this. You will know when you want to go back to work, if you have not already made that decision. If we allow ourselves time and patience to listen to ourselves we usually know the best way to go.

Something that occurred to me. You say your husband thought it unnecessary to call an ambulance or take you to hospital. Does he feel guilty about that? Have you/can you talk about this. I wonder if he feels as bad as you. I know you thought he did not want this baby but babies have a way of getting into your heart before they are born. Do you think he is suffering also? Perhaps connecting to each other again can help both of you. After all this is a child of both of you.

I don't want to start a war between you or anything of that nature. You are there and I am not.

Love to hear from you soon.

Mary

[Meki]

My mum miscarried when I was a toddler. I don't remember a thing about it. None of my siblings do. It was meant to be 5 of us- not 4. I understand how you want to see your boy grow up and find a family of his own. I wish that i could see Angel- we named it that because it can be a girl or a boy name (we didn't know the gender, mum had it too early). I think it is a her. She will be 4 yrs old now. Your son will be in heaven, with my sister. I have had a little counseling and it really helped. Maybe you could try it?