Guilt over miscarriage

Guest_922 · ‎23-09-2017

I had a late term miscarriage. 19 weeks and 5 days. Nothing was wrong with my baby. He was alive while I was in labour. I feel like my actions leading up to pre term labour were to blame. I was working and had a very big week. I became very ill and pushed through work. I am still ill 11 days later and they don't know what it is. whilst I had seen a doctor 4 days prior to giving birth, I didn't go back for several days, even though I knew I had become worse. I couldn't walk and was only able to crawl to shower and bathroom then back to bed. I should have called an ambulance, I should have gathered the strength to go to the hospital. I didn't and I knew I was really sick, even though my husband didn't think I was that bad. If I had maybe they would have been able to treat my illness before labour happened and my little boy wouldn't have died. I hate myself, I blame myself for his death. I have two other kids and that keeps me going but I hate myself. I feel like I died the day I gave birth to my boy and they just forgot to bury me with him. I am seeing a psychologist but they couldn't fit me in for 3 weeks. I just needed to get this off my chest without looking at my family and friends and trying to find the right answers, what they want to hear.

Meki · ‎29-10-2017

i miss my sibling Angel but the pain eased over time

Guest_922 · ‎01-11-2017

Thanks for the replies Mary and nat. I got the results and my body had become infected with streptococcus b. It had invaded my joints and crossed through to the placenta. They said I would have had it for a long time for it to get so severe. It weakened the membranes of the placenta and that is why my labour started. It’s not why my son died or at least not directly but would most likely have been the outcome anyway as it took three weeks to treat it.

He died because when my waters broke the chord wrapped around him twice and he couldn’t wiggle free. It caused the chord blood to clot And he was starved of oxygen. I’m devastated at this. I have felt very low over the last week or so but whilst these moment can be intense they don’t last long. It seems like I will never feel normal again but I know this is just grief and part of my journey. I have a job interview tomorrow. I have found work triggers my PTSD so need a change and fortunately an opportunity came up and I was lucky to get an interview so I am hopeful.

Quercus · ‎01-11-2017

Hi Elaria,

This is helpful...

It seems like I will never feel normal again but I know this is just grief and part of my journey

Very true and also good that you're able to acknowledge it I feel.

Has it helped you at all to have some results? Being tangled in the cord is not something within your control. It is devestating but not something you could have known or prevented. Has this been able to ease even a little of your feelings of guilt?

Good luck in your interview. I'm glad to hear you are making changes to help yourself. By the way did you end up going to any of the group therapy? I went to one yesterday and (although this one had more focus on learning) I learnt a lot by listening to the other women.

Take care of yourself and hope to hear the interview went well.

❤ Nat

White_Rose · ‎02-11-2017

Dear Elaria

Your illness was horrible and caused you to miscarry. Now you must start believing it was not your fault. Grief yes, that will take time, but put away the guilt, you were not at fault.

A new job sounds interesting. What is it all about? I can see how remaining in your present employment can be hard. You are helping yourself to heal by being proactive. That is great news indeed. Has anyone suggested grief counselling? Sometimes it can help but in many cases people go through the grief with help from family and friends. If you feel you have no one to talk to it may be an option. Chat to your GP.

And of course we are always here to talk although it's not the immediate interaction we have with face to face chats or even on the phone.

I look forward to hearing about the new job.

Mary

Quercus · ‎16-11-2017

Hi Elaria,

You've been quiet and I just wanted to check how things were going for you?

Like Mary I'm curious to know if the new job has helped you at all?Ii hope you've kept up with the group therapy with SANDS if it helps you.

Thinking of you and I hope you are taking care of yourself.

❤ Nat

Guest_922 · ‎26-11-2017

Hi Nat

i didn’t end up at group therapy. I was too tired and exhausted and it was an hour and a half round trip. I have spoken online to people and that has been comforting. I still feel guilty and suspect I always will. I know being tangled in the cord was out of my control but the rest could have been prevented if I had gotten antibiotics early enough when I first felt ill. I will learn to live with it but have days when I just feel so sad.

Im still on the job hunt. I have a few interviews but they have gone in house. Work is so stressful and I need to leave. It’s a reminder of what happened, and it’s is just such a volatile environment that I’m having panic attacks, lacking in sleep and just an overwhelming sense of dread at the thought of having to go in every day. I feel so broken and unable to cope. In reality I do cope but I have to medicate myself some days. It doesn’t help that people see me so capable and don’t realise how much of a struggle I am in. I am one of those high function anxiety people now. On the outside I look find on the inside my body is choking. So I will keep trying to get a new job, no so high up, less stress. That’s the plan.

White_Rose · ‎27-11-2017

Hello Elaria

I am so pleased to hear from you again. And sorry you are still in this hard place. It must seem as though you are two people at times. One is the grieving mom and two is the efficient manager at work. Keeping them apart is a hard ask. While we can do this with our ordinary lives, it does take a huge effort when you are still feeling so raw.

I know I have asked this before but can you take time off? You may not be able to take maternity leave but what about sick leave or annual leave?

Knowing it was not all your fault is helping you I think. Believing you were at fault in the first place is hard to ignore. I am so sorry you feel this way. It will get less painful in the future as do all hurtful experiences but I know that's not much help now.

Does SANDS offer a phone counselling service? I hope you access a phone service. The BB phone line is a good place to go. 1300 22 4636.

You wrote It doesn’t help that people see me so capable and don’t realise how much of a struggle I am in. I am one of those high function anxiety people now. On the outside I look find on the inside my body is choking. So I will keep trying to get a new job, no so high up, less stress. Yes, keep on looking for a new job. Obviously the place you work now is not helpful. I am going to suggest again that you visit your GP and ask for a referral to a psychologist. It is very helpful to talk about these things to someone who is not involved and who will help you manage your feelings.

Mary

annie45 · ‎27-11-2017

Hi Elaria

i'm sorry to hear about your loss and subsequent guilt.

I too lost a baby and I too blame myself. I had surgery to remove my gall bladder and didn't know I was pregnant. We were just starting to try for a baby and I was off the pill. I should have checked with a simple pregnancy test the morning of the surgery but I never thought too. Such a simple misjudgement had such dire consequences. The guilt and pain stayed with me for a long time and at times I felt that people never fully understood it. I hadn't told many people that I was pregnant - when I did find out, and so when i lost my baby not many people knew. One of the hardest parts was telling them - I'm not great with speaking out and asking for help. I agree that there is not enough support or sympathy for us mums whose miscarriage.

This was 7 years ago and I have gone on to have 2 beautiful children. I still think often about by baby and how they would be today. I still feel the guilt associated with that day. But it doesn't help me. Blaming myself doesn't make me feel better. We are all so different and have different issues so I don't feel like I'm in the place to give you advice but I can offer you these words

You are not alone
You are not a bad person
You will get through this
I am here (somewhat infrequently) if you need to chat
Use the support that is around for you (both online and offline)
Ask for help

All my love

Annie

Guest_922 · ‎27-11-2017

Hi mary

thanks for following up with me. It’s nice to know people care.

Actually I feel like three different people. There my work self that manages and leads and fights for equality etc. then there is my family self that is a wife and mother who takes care of the home and puts everything first and then there is the grieving mother who is alone and isolated. No one shares this with me, it’s silent and lurks in the shaddows. It’s comes out when I’m alone mainly on the drive to and from work. It’s difficult.

i struggle talking on the phone. Can’t grt words out so online is good for me. I have a mental health care plan and see a psychologist once a month. I would see her more but she’s just so busy.

Guest_922 · ‎27-11-2017

Thank you Annie

im sorry for your loss. Your are right there is not much support out there for miscarriage early or late term. Everyone knew I was pregnant as I was nearly twenty weeks however once I gave birth people shushed me, ignored me, avoided me, and even on one occasion told me not to say anymore. A family member even said gross to me when she asked me to tell her what happened. She couldn’t handled the trauma and has barely mentioned my boy since. Its one of the worst types of pain a woman can feel and yet society expects us to do it in isolation and silence.