Guilt over miscarriage

Guest_922 · ‎23-09-2017

I had a late term miscarriage. 19 weeks and 5 days. Nothing was wrong with my baby. He was alive while I was in labour. I feel like my actions leading up to pre term labour were to blame. I was working and had a very big week. I became very ill and pushed through work. I am still ill 11 days later and they don't know what it is. whilst I had seen a doctor 4 days prior to giving birth, I didn't go back for several days, even though I knew I had become worse. I couldn't walk and was only able to crawl to shower and bathroom then back to bed. I should have called an ambulance, I should have gathered the strength to go to the hospital. I didn't and I knew I was really sick, even though my husband didn't think I was that bad. If I had maybe they would have been able to treat my illness before labour happened and my little boy wouldn't have died. I hate myself, I blame myself for his death. I have two other kids and that keeps me going but I hate myself. I feel like I died the day I gave birth to my boy and they just forgot to bury me with him. I am seeing a psychologist but they couldn't fit me in for 3 weeks. I just needed to get this off my chest without looking at my family and friends and trying to find the right answers, what they want to hear.

Guest_922 · ‎11-10-2017

Thanks Nat and Mary. Hubby is not so much grieving. His experience of this was quite different and although he was very upset and in shock he was able to move on quicker as he chose not to develop a connection. He didn’t hold our baby or look at him. He did hold me while I held her baby and has continued to hold me while I cry. He is very supportive and this whole process has in its own strange way brought us so much closer. I do pour out my feeling to him and he listens very well. I rang sands today but couldn’t find any words and hung up. My hubby wants me to try again tomorrow and said he will make the call for me initially.

Quercus · ‎12-10-2017

Hi Elaria,

This was lovely to read...

He is very supportive and this whole process has in its own strange way brought us so much closer.

I'm glad you have solid support. Isn't it strange how different we all all... Same circumstances... Different reactions. My friend was like your husband (didn't hold her baby) and she found this made her feel worse. Each person deals with things in their own way. But you are there for eachother and that is wonderful.

Good on you for picking up the phone. I agree knowing how to start the conversation is where I struggle. I'm extremely awkward on the phone. Had never thought of asking hubby to start off the explanation what a good idea! Good luck trying again today 😊.

Have you got work again today? Can you think of any other changes that might help you?

❤ Nat

PS

Elaria I hope it's ok if I write this here...

Hi Mary 😊 I'm so glad to see you about the forums and hope you're taking it easy (TLC to the max) and feeling a little better.

Guest_922 · ‎13-10-2017

Hi Nat,

yes I think my hubby just wanted to avoid hurting more and in his eyes if he had held our son or seen him he would have developed a stronger connection. He did see some hospital photos by accident. They weren’t particularly nice ones. I have some nice ones but wish I had taken some photos of me, my mum and my dad holding him. My mum and dad were so supportive and lovely with him. Mum was the first to hold him as I just couldn’t straight after. It took me about 5minutes. My parents loved him just as they did my other kids. They also include him in the number of grand children they say they have.

i did go back into work and managed ok. I still get very upset driving in and out. Too much time thinking. It’s also hard walking into school because it’s just a reminder of all the wrong choices and how I put work first. Maybe one day I will reconcile with this but at the moment it makes the working day long. There is a lovely park where I work so when it becomes too much I put some music on go to the park and let it out/cry.

i feel really supported and welcome here. I love that you all know each other and check in on each other so I’m completely ok with you doing that on my post.

Quercus · ‎13-10-2017

Hi Elaria,

Wow. Your Mum and Dad are awesome people. That is beautiful. Do you talk to them about how you feel? They really do seem to understand.

My friend showed me some photo of her baby. She just so badly wanted to share the little person they lost. And noone else would look. She was so alone. I think it is so helpful that your parents held bub and bonded too. You aren't alone in your grief.

The trip to work and school sounds hard. I really think you need to talk to someone who understands Elaria about the feeling of guilt. Did you have any luck speaking to SANDS?

I'm sorry that I'm nagging. I just really feel like the more support you have the better.

Did you have a chance to read Bellagio's thread? There was a comment by Dr Kim which I found helpful.

Small steps Elaria. Just take each day as you can. You're part of the community here too. What kind of threads do you think would help you to feel good?

❤ Nat

White_Rose · ‎13-10-2017

Hello Elaria

My daughter asked me if I wanted to hold her son and I said yes. I would not have given away that chance for anything. Just a small scrap of humanity but I loved him the moment I held him. Talking about your baby makes me sad but not badly. Sometimes it's good to revisit our griefs and remember the people we love. He is part of the family as I am sure your baby will be part of the your family for ever. My grandson is on the family tree and is mourned every year in my church on the anniversary of his passing.

When you are driving can you play a CD or whatever your car allows, I am a complete illiterate when it comes to IT stuff. Music is the usual choice but perhaps you can listen to a book being read. I love this and often choose a CD book from the library to listen to for my book club, when a spoken copy is available. Often the book is read by well-known actors and is so pleasant to listen. Your local library will have a large assortment of e books.

So many situations remind us of what we have lost and it seems the only safe place is in bed. You are getting stronger and more able to manage yourself. I know you sometimes want to get in a corner and cry. There's nothing wrong with this, it is part of your healing. I see in an earlier post you feel you have no time or privacy to cry. You do need to make time for this not just because crying is therapeutic but because it helps you to manage your other various roles. Knowing you can get some time to yourself will help you cope with the rest of the day. No idea how you can do this I'm sorry to say, other than to make specific arrangements for the care of your children while you 'rest'.

Mary

Guest_922 · ‎14-10-2017

Hey Nat

my folks are wonderful. I do talk to them but stop when I become upset. That’s what I do with everyone. I don’t like people seeing me cry. I feel like they just want me to be better and they talk and I have to agree etc even if I still feel like a completely different person now. I don’t feel like I am able to express myself like a i can in writing. My head is full of so many thoughts and they jump around, so trying to get clarity is difficult. I was more calm and had better focus and clarity in the days/week afterwards than I do now.

being back at work complicated my thoughts and feeling a lot.

Dr Kim’s reply was good. Logical. I just don’t know where I’m at with it. I have a psychologist. Haven’t got through to sands yet bull have listened to the ringing phone. I also have medication which I can take but am not taking at the moment as it just makes me feel like I have no emotion. Zombie and tired. I especially don’t like it when people talk to be about my son and I just become so uneffected in my expression and words and feel that whilst those around me may feel more comfortable I am diminishing him, what he means and how much I want him. I feel like I am lying to everyone just to make them feel better. Whilst medication makes me calm in the moment I feel conflicted in my thoughts.

Guest_922 · ‎14-10-2017

Hi mary

that would have meant so much to your daughter.

I am a music teacher so music effects me greatly. I choose songs to reflect my state of being and that probably doesn’t help. This coming week is going to be really tough as It’s a similar week to the one that led up to my miscarriage. I have very big performances, long nights and have also found out that I am assessing a song that I identify with very strongly. It’s a raw, beautiful and honest song but I have to hold it together to be able to provide feedback in front of an audience.

I have copied in the lyrics as I think many here will resonate with it.

she used to be mine

It's not simple to say
That most days I don't recognize me
That these shoes and this apron
That place and its patrons
Have taken more than I gave them
It's not easy to know
I'm not anything like I used be, although it's true
I was never attention's sweet center
I still remember that girl

She's imperfect, but she tries
She is good, but she lies
She is hard on herself
She is broken and won't ask for help
She is messy, but she's kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone, but she used to be mine

It's not what I asked for
Sometimes life just slips in through a back door
And carves out a person and makes you believe it's all true
And now I've got you
And you're not what I asked for
If I'm honest, I know I would give it all back
For a chance to start over and rewrite an ending or two
For the girl that I knew

Who'll be reckless, just enough
Who'll get hurt, but who learns how to toughen up
When she's bruised and gets used by a man who can't love
And then she'll get stuck
And be scared of the life that's inside her
Growing stronger each day 'til it finally reminds her
To fight just a little, to bring back the fire in her eyes
That's been gone, but used to be mine
Used to be mine

She is messy, but she's kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone, but she used to be mine

Quercus · ‎14-10-2017

Hi Elaria,

How are you feeling? Your last few posts sounded sad (so hard to interpret the written word but that was my feeling). Have you got the weekend off for a bit of time to self care?

It's ok not to want to talk about your son. There are no rules for how we manage grief. Maybe after time goes on this will change but go with what feels right for you. If people start a conversation that is upsetting rather than shutting down maybe you can just quietly interrupt and say I can't talk about this yet.

As to meds maybe go back to your doctor and ask for something else or a lower dose. Meds are trial and error and if they make you numb you're not likely to want to take them even if you really may need them. What do you think?

As to the week coming up what are your options? Is reducing the work load an option? Asking for more help maybe job sharing? If not what self care methods can you think of and organise? Mindfulness apps for in the car? Midweek appointment with psych to check in?

I am thinking of you and hope this week is better than you are expecting. Feel free to write as much as you need ok.

❤Nat

Guest_922 · ‎16-10-2017

I do want to talk about my son. I want to hear his name and tell everyone that he existed but I can’t do that without falling apart, feeling broken and guilty and thats not professional. It’s not how I am supposed to conduct myself and it makes me angry because I shouldnt be back at work. I should be able to have access to maternity leave of some type to process this but I gave birth 44 hours and 46 minutes too early.

i am sad but also resent myself for making all the wrong choices. I would do anything for my two living children and while pregnant I didn’t do anything to help myself when I was sick. My boy would be alive today if I had gotten help earlier. If I had fought harder, dragged myself up and got to emergency sooner.

i have not only failed him but now I feel as though I am failing at parenting my other kids. I’m vacant or snappy. I want to sleep all the time when I’m home. My 4 year old said the other day that tomorrow there will be no grumpy mummy that I will have to smile.

im also failing at work. I’m asking for more time or exemptions from this and that. I feel overwhelmed by everything that needs doing and just want to get in my car and drive away.

i don’t know how to do this anymore. I keep putting up fronts. How do I get over loosing my child? How can I go back to normal? I don’t even know what that is anymore. Half the people I work with (more than half) have no idea that I gave birth. In their eyes I have two children not three. And In The eyes of some they just don’t understand that when I say I miscarried it is more than a heavy period that hurt like hell. That miscarrying for me meant labour from 10am till 3:14am the next day. That I held my baby, I named him, I celebrated him and then cremated him. That I had to make the same decisions as other parents who loose a child at full term. my body aches to be with him.

Guest_922 · ‎16-10-2017

Sorry Nat my last post wasn’t meant to be agressive. I just feel incredible lonely and guilty and was venting. Miscarriage is horrible at any stage I just feel that the societal view of miscarriage doesn’t fit my experience but technically still birth is not applied to me either so I am lost somewhere in between.