Feeling anxious about home

[Curious77]

Hello all,

I thought I would give these forums a try because I feel anxious every time I go home because I have come to the conclusion that my father is psychologically abusing me, continually harassing me and lying to me and not allowing me peace in general by trying to get me upset all the time. I am on a low income and I do not think too well because I stress out easily and feel overwhelmed by it all. I do not know how to get myself out of this and I do not have any close friends or family because of my father's behaviour and my own low self esteem and feelings of worthlessness. I can not remember the last time I was happy to be alive and connected to the world around me and I would like that to change.

[Curious77]

Hello Sarah,

So glad that your going well even if it has been crazy because I had not heard from you in a bit longer than usual. The whole year has been a bit crazy really because of the virus and even worse then 2008 when they had the financial crisis because at least that did not affect birthday parties or the footy and making teenagers unhappy or husbands having to do more housework.
Thank you for your kind words about my reflections and I am glad that you get something out of it just like I get something out of getting my thoughts of my chest and reading your posts which are helpful and give me a new way of looking at things. When you are in a bad way mentally, you can't tell the wood from the trees and you are unable to see things clearly so that you can come up with solutions so positive and smart people like you are great for a person like me to cope with life a bit better.
Sometimes when you talk to other people about things or ask questions you can end up feeling worse because they make you feel like your being self destructive or otherwise making you feel bad about the thoughts your having or invalidating your concerns or what you feel you need or missing from your life so it's good to have people like you around.
It is nice when you come across people at the coffee shop who appreciate the little things about people and it does make you feel good.
Hope your week has become less crazy Sarah and thanks for listening.
A.

[Aaronsis]

Hi A

I am so happy to hear that our conversations give you hope and that you do feel supported here. It is hard to talk to our friends or family or colleagues sometimes, people don't always know what to say, or feel like they will say the wrong thing, so they do come off as if they do not care or that you are overreacting or that everything is fine. Sometimes it may be that they too are going through a tough time and instead of using as an opportunity to support each other, they feel like they are being exposed so run. I think that is why places like this are so wonderful, people are here to help, to chat and to let others know that they are not alone and that people, so many people are going through similar battles also. I am not sure that I am that smart A, I am just someone that cares and that wants to help and to let people know that there is hope, there is help and that people matter, that everything is also not Black and White and what works for one person may be a horrible idea for another, that is the joy of sharing and exploring different ideas and perspectives.

Sometimes it does take someone else to point something out to you, or to put something in a different way and you then can resonate with it, consider it and see that it may work for you, this is also why talking and sharing is so important, one little thing that someone suggests could really make a huge difference to someones thinking and therefore their life!

I am so happy to hear that you are feeling like you are coping better and that you do feel hopeful, this is huge and so very wonderful.

I hope you have some nice things planned for the weekend, while we are in Melbourne and we are the "norty" state, I hope you can get out and do some non "iso" things and enjoy the weekend A.

I have been cooking and planning three dinners and some lunches so that all the family can come at different times to see my son for his birthday, it is exhausting but fun too...I cannot believe I have a 16 year old!!!

Huge hugs to you and chat some more soon

Sarah

[Curious77]

Hello Sarah,

What a big moment for your son and how lucky is he to have all those dinners lunches that turn it into an extended birthday party. Who says lock down is bad although I do feel for you with all that extra work but I'm sure the good times with everyone will make it definitely worth it, and all those staggered presents instead of in one go is pretty good too for the son.
This week has been a hard week for me because people have been bringing up all the mistakes that I made over the years in regards to my father and that I should have done this or that and I would be in a much better state. I think that people think that I am too emotional and not capable of reasoned thinking or that I am stubborn so I have been feeling like a failure. I don't know what to say to people of late because I feel like I am going to make myself even more stupid than I already look by telling them what's going through my mind. Unfortunately the decisions that I have made were the decisions that I made with the information that I had in mind and the stress that I was under and there isn't really anything I can do about it now so it's frustrating having these things brought up and just made to feel silly.
Thanks for listening and I hope you have a happy birthday weekend with the family.
A.

[Aaronsis]

Hi I have headed away for a weeks or so to see my dad in NSW so very sorry for this late and short response. I want to talk to you about others and the way the respond and comments they make and how sometimes it is simply out of fear or not knowing what to say... asking questions thinking they are helping by talking but the line of questioning ends up being painful and hurts you. However the more you do talk and share you will find people who can understand and who do help you. I think this is also a good way to see that we are not all perfect.. that while u r on your journey ... others are figuring out things too... and given some time to reflect, next time you do speak they may have something helpful to say.

Thank you for your kind words about my son’s birthday. He had a lovely weekend and got lots of goodies and birthday love.

Once again apologies for the slow response... some mental health time is wonderful.

Chat soon and take care

Sarah

[Curious77]

Hello Sarah,

It is great to hear from you. I hope you are having a great time in nsw and enjoying your father's company. I think you were saying that you have a lot on your plate of late so I am glad that you have been able to drop everything and go away to spend some time to recharge the batteries and just have a good time and be happy. Lucky your father is not in qld because then they might have turned you away for being a naughty victorian.
You are right when you say that people learn as they go or that they don't know what to say or ask when talking about what you are going through. When you talk to people again later you can tell that they have had a bit of a think about things and come at it from a different angle. Other people I am finding that I have to stay away from or not bring up certain things because I find it too triggering or uncomfortable. It is actually pretty hard to tell who you can talk about things with and who you can't under normal circumstances let alone difficult ones so your pretty cautious about opening your mouth anyway.
It would be even worse if you had to subject yourself to police questioning or if you had to go to court because then the questions and suggestions they make would be a lot more intrusive and confronting and not necessarily concerned about the impact it is having on you or whether you are suffering or not so I feel for people that have to go through that.
Hope this post finds you well Sarah.
A.

[Aaronsis]

Hi A

You are so very right in that over time and sometimes through conversations that hurt you do learn who you can confide in, who supports you how you need to be supported and also who you simply cannot talk about feelings or struggles with. I too have a list of people who support me.. some are for the lighter things and one person in particular I can talk about anything with.. detailed and hard painful things.. I think this too is a journey and finding our support people, but.. they are around we have to keep talking and finding who they are.. as painful as rejection is, as deer in headlights responses are, as hard as it is to see those balk and run... it is part of the journey and then when you find your crew... you have them.

I am having a wonderful time with my dad, and yes I am a naughty Victorian and am being very careful to not drive my car around town too much ... lol. I hope we get home ok on Saturday as they are stopping people..fingers crossed.

We are watching the footy tonight and have a roaring fire so I am super happy.

Chat soon A and hope your week is going well.

Huge hugs

Sarah

[Curious77]

Hello Sarah,

I am so happy that your having a great time with your father. You two being in different states you probably don't see each other as much as you would like so I am glad that your lapping it up right now.
For me the topic of a deer in headlights is pretty much a feature of my personality because I am quite sensitive about my environment and people so I often wonder whether I am reading the right signals from people or whether I am reading things that aren't there or whether I am letting my feelings take over from logic.
I feel like ever since I have been concentrating on my reactions to people and situations I am learning more and more about me as a person and my needs and wants and reactions and feelings which is a good thing because over the years I have been living my life by whether I feel comfortable in situations and letting my feelings take over rather then learning about what is behind it all and why I do what I do. I think when things go from the subconscious to the conscious it means that your not living your life blindly anymore but it is confronting learning about how poorly I view myself and my lack of self love. I don't know but maybe corona virus is causing me to think more about myself through more thinking and all the things that I need to become a more mentally well person by being more isolated and that isolation makes everything that is wrong with me more obvious perhaps.
Thanks for listening Sarah, have a good weekend.
A.

[Aaronsis]

Hi A

Thank you for your kind words, I did have a really great time with my dad and actually timed it so well now that we are in lock down again and I wont see him for at least another 6 weeks, longer if we cannot get this under control.

I am so happy that you can see the positives in this time and that you have been focusing on you and your mental health and noticing what you need and what you are learning, it is so wonderful to be on this journey with you and to hear about all the things that you are discovering about you and how you are thinking differently and feeling and how you are addressing things that are coming into your thoughts.

I think that we all have experiences in social situations from time to time of the whole "deer in headlights", people are not always easy to read, and as you know, people do put on masks to smile and to accept what you are saying, are they really feeling awful too? I still have trouble reading people and making sure I am getting what I am saying across correctly, I think if we are mindful of what we are saying and have good intentions we mostly get it right. So please do not think that because you are on a journey to wellness that you are the only one who is questioning your reading of others feelings and responses to you, I think this is very smart as it shows your compassion and your care that you do take care in what you are saying and in other peoples feelings and not every one can say that A!

How have you been spending your days and what things are you doing to keep busy and keep entertained?

I am so very proud of myself as I am growing these veggies and they are really taking off, I have never done this before so had no idea what to expect and am so delighted that they have not died. I am actually updating my pic to my latest one of my veggies..lol

Have a great day A and hope your week is going well. Also hope you are taking the news of another 6 weeks of iso well, I think you are doing great in this time as we discussed so hopefully another growth period for you.

Chat soon my friend

Sarah

[Curious77]

Hello Sarah,

So glad that you had a great time with your father and right before the lockdown which is good. It would have put you out big time if you had to negotiate all these lock down measures plus everyone else that needs you home including the veggies!
I am not looking forward to lock down because I feel so miserable at home. I have so many bad memories in that place and I just remember all the stuff that happened with dad and all the mistakes that I made that made me go deeper and deeper into his dark personality, it would have been nice if I cut ties with him earlier and I wouldn't have all these bad memories that have really affected my sense of self and how I feel about myself and just my ability to enjoy life. I just wish I never found out how little my father cared about me is the worst thing. Unfortunately finding another place is proving difficult as there must be a lot of people out there who are really struggling so hopefully the government can spend more on affordable housing to take the stress off people.
So nice to hear from you Sarah and enjoy the veggie patch.
A.

[Aaronsis]

It is great to hear from you too and I am sad to hear that the new restrictions make you feel really miserable and bring back memories of when your dad was alive and how those times made you feel. I am wondering how you would feel about creating some new memories in the house? Maybe a coat of paint? Maybe a picture on the wall? Maybe doing something that you have never done before in the house like special baking and being able to replace some of the bad and dark thoughts and memories with new ones that make you feel happy and celebrate you and how far you have come. It could be cooking a special meal or even playing some music and having a night for you...I am just throwing around some ideas, you can make it whatever you like but you could really start to make the space yours and start to make it a happy place.

I also want to remind you of the mental space that you were in when your father was alive and how controlled you felt and how sad you felt. Do you really think that you were able to make the decisions that you can make today? I think we know hindsight is a wonderful thing and we would all do so many things differently if we knew the outcome first..we don't so we do with today the best we can and forgive ourselves for the things we could not do yesterday A. You are in a very different place mentally and emotionally than you were when your father was alive and you were living with him. The choices you would have made if you were able to A would be very different so I ask you to try to have some compassion for yourself and to see that you did the very best that you could with the knowledge you had and with what capacity you had.

I am also really sorry A that you found out how little your father cared for you, that must so very hurtful and painful to hear. Can I suggest to you though as we have talked about before that I am sure your father loved you A. I think he had so many things that he too was working with and suffering that he was trying to do the best with what he could also. We just don't know what he went through each and every day and I am sure in his own way he did love you very much. From the person I can see here I find it very hard to think he could not love you, you are so thoughtful and kind and caring and such a sweet person, maybe you reminded him too much of the things he could not be.

Hugs to you A, I am so sorry we are about to head in to another period of isolation. I am here, to chat and to listen.

Your friend

Sarah