Feeling anxious about home

[Curious77]

Hello all,

I thought I would give these forums a try because I feel anxious every time I go home because I have come to the conclusion that my father is psychologically abusing me, continually harassing me and lying to me and not allowing me peace in general by trying to get me upset all the time. I am on a low income and I do not think too well because I stress out easily and feel overwhelmed by it all. I do not know how to get myself out of this and I do not have any close friends or family because of my father's behaviour and my own low self esteem and feelings of worthlessness. I can not remember the last time I was happy to be alive and connected to the world around me and I would like that to change.

[Curious77]

Hello Sarah,

Thank you for your kind words, it is a pleasure to have chats with and the forums are a better place with people like you.
We have indeed have had chats about my father and what lurks in that mind of his that he was never able to share or heal. It is a shame because he had all this inverted aggression that could have made him a great person. For example, he could have used his creativity for positive contributions instead of new ways to make people miserable. I am going off topic here but when you said I could be the person he could not be I once got an astrology chart reading some while ago and they mentioned that I came to the world at a time when he had suffered a lot of regrets about his mother who had died a few years before so I could have been the representation of his failures as a son and failures to his mother because apparently my nature points to similarities to my grandmother and I could develop great spiritual awareness like her and that his father was probably quite severe. My father was not capable of depth so maybe your right and it upset him all that had gone before and that I was a representation of what he didn't become. It would be such a painful thing for any person to view parenting as a constant reminder of all the scars that they carry. In a lot of ways I am at the crossroads of where my father was when I was born so I could end up with wounds that never heal and then take revenge on those around me like he may have as I have wounds too now.
I feel sorry for your daughter that she might have to give up footy again.
Thanks for listening as you always do Sarah.
A.

[Aaronsis]

Hi A

I too am very interested in astrology and I even have a book from a lady in India who hand wrote my future. It is the oldest little thing now (45 years old)..BUT there are soo many things in there that I have read and that have actually happened in my life. I lost it for many years and only found it when I was packing up to leave my husband in 2015. I didn't actually sit and read it til many months later and it was so uncanny how many things she predicted in my life, she even described what I would look like!

I think you are so very much more aware of your feelings, or your emotions, you are a thinker and you actually want to make your life happy, successful and productive. You want to have good relationships and all these things in themselves are reasons why I am very sure that you will not end up with wounds that do not heal and definitely not being a person to take revenge on those around you, I just don't see that in the person that I have been chatting with and supporting here. You want good in your life, you are seeking healing and you are learning about your fathers behaviors and also yours, all of this can only lead to positive and strong outcomes A.

You may be right in that he did see you as a representation of his failures as a son, however this is not your fault and it is not your role, as a child to fix or to heal your parents. Your father could have at anytime reached out for some help, for some support or even if he could not he may have even just apologized sometimes, he could not. As you said, he did not share his pain or try to heal from his pain and unfortunately it did fester and become a trait in him that he was not able to manage. So as you can see, it was not your fault, you did nothing wrong, you were in the firing line of a person so sad and so damaged, but you are free of those behaviors now A and you are doing so many things right, in healing you and making choices in your life that create positivity and goodness.

I am also really impressed to read that you can see other ways to channel emotion and to direct into places that are positive and useful rather than having them come out as anger and abuse. As you said he could have used it for positive contributions rather than making others feel bad. I think that is why things like painting and writing are so good in that you can feel the emotions when you are doing these things and I know myself I always feel better afterwards.

Hope you have a wonderful weekend A

Hugs

Sarah

[Curious77]

Hello Sarah,

Thanks so much for our chats and support, it really does help me to see things in a more balanced way instead of making myself more sad or upset. It does sadden me that my father was not looking for joy and happeness in his life and he wanted make sure that I wasn't happy either.
This week I started to run into a person that I used to talk to every day at the train station again after a month when I ran into him last and it feels nice to talk to a person whose life is going well and has goals in his life because I feel so stuck it actually feels good just being happy for someone else. He doesn't fear the future like I do which is a place where I would like to be. My life is so much smaller then his so its like I barely exist in comparison to him which is sad. He was showing me pictures of his bathroom renovations and I was thinking to myself how nice it would be to be that happy about being alive instead of life just being another day to get through. He is like the exact opposite of the person that my father was so I find it was refreshing that he has no anger in him and wants his life to be a positive experience instead of just a descent into increasing patheticness.
I admire Indian astrologers because they are so specific in their predictions rather than just say what types of things might happen like a western astrologer would which means that they are more likely to make a mistake because it isn't vague.
Have a great weekend too Sarah.
A.

[Aaronsis]

Hi A

My weekend has been going well and hope you have been able to do some fun things even though we are back in iso! I have dragged out the paints and am going to see what creations I can come up with in Iso part 2!

I am so happy to hear that you do feel supported here and that you are able to consider, have a balanced view and also know that there are other options, thoughts and concepts, that is the joy in talking and sharing, we do get to hear other view points and think if these will work for us, some will, some wont but at least when we share how we feel we can open up the options to welcome ways to heal and to continue on in the wellness journey.

That is really exciting that you have reconnected with an old friend and are chatting and sharing pics with him at the train station. I am so happy that he is a positive person and is doing some great things in his life and that his story is giving you hope that there is joy to be found in life. Can I ask you a question though? If you were to ask this person whom you have been chatting with "Do you think A is a really happy person?" "Do you think that A is full of confidence?" what do you think he would say? I think you know where I am going here in that just because this person comes across to you as "the opposite of you", this may not be the case. Just as you are able to mask your pain, he too may have things he is masking. My point is that even when we are in pain and hurting we can find things to do that make life enjoyable, like renovating bathrooms and taking on projects that do give us things to look forward to. He may not be the opposite of you at all, he is just as you are, making the best of each day and is trying to see hope and joy.

You are not pathetic A, you are man who is on a journey and is making so many good choices and so much progress. I am so sorry to hear that you still fear the future, I hope that in time and with some of the help you are getting you can see that the future is actually going to be pretty good, I think you can see that some really positive things have and are happening to you already.

You are intelligent and strong and you want so much for yourself and this can only lead to better things ahead for you A.

I have just heard the news that we will return to remote learning with the kids so back to getting all that set up for the kids and trying to find some ways to get them engaged and to stay focused...yes bribes!!!..lol

Hope you are having a good weekend.

hugs

Sarah

[Curious77]

Hello Sarah,

Your so right about not knowing what is going on in the background in a person's life so you don't really know what there state of mind is. Even when people talk about things in there life they can pretend that they are coping well because they don't want people to think that they are weak because they are a mess inside or they don't want to push people away because they are worried that other people don't want to deal with there emotions. This is probably partly culture and partly upbringing but it is very difficult to tell people what you are feeling so you end up with people like me who try to give people the impression that I am happy and well when really I am not coping well and you also don't want things to become awkward as well. People also don't want people to think that they have failed in life and that they are stupid by telling people what has happened.
All of this could definitely apply to my friend as well and I know that my friend has had cancer when he was a baby so that would affect him mentally and his attitude to how he lives his life but who knows what else is going on in his mind unless it is discussed. He could be having relationship problems for example. Hopefully our culture will change overtime as a result of mental illness being a topic that is now discussed more openly through things like beyond blue so that people don't feel they have to struggle on their own anymore. I am also hoping that one day I will be in a mental place where I look forward to planning and implementing plans for the future like my friend so that I get out of bed with enthusiasm and purpose. I also hope that I never have a person in my life who doesn't support me and works against me so that life is not tiring anymore.
I remember that picture you had of a cow so I am looking forward to your next installment!
Hope your having a great weekend Sarah and thanks for listening.
A.

[Aaronsis]

Hi A

It is always good to consider that just because people are smiling that their life is happy. I think mostly people are but there are so many of "us" that wear a mask, say everything is fine when it is not. I hope that your friend is happy and that he has been able to manage his childhood cancer, that is really scary. I guess my message was that we should not look at others with eyes that make them better or more successful that us, we just never know what is going on for another person.

Well maybe we should talk about ways in which we are going to get you out of bed each day with purpose and with some solid things to look forward to and to start to create that future that you are reaching for. The future is actually tomorrow, or even this afternoon! It may not be a bathroom renovation but it could be putting up things around the house that change the feeling so it is more like home, your home. It could be planting something, and watching it grow and feeling so awesome that you can do it, it really is helping me!

How are you going at this time that we are back in stage three? Maybe you will start some creative projects to help with the time and with the emotions, what sorts of things do you like to do, maybe even a puzzle?

I am trying to put some things in place as I have the anniversary of my brother's passing on the 31st and I am not sure how I am going to go. My father is in NSW and we cannot be together. I have a special candle and will buy myself some flowers, I guess the thought of being alone does not help either, I really cannot believe it is almost one year, that he is really gone and that he was only 19!

Is your coffee shop still open that you visit each day?

Chat some more A

Your friend

Sarah

[Curious77]

Hello Sarah,

You are such a brave and strong woman and you have put so much time and effort into managing your thoughts and emotions that you will cope with your brothers anniversary better than you think. It is just so evident from your posts that you are able to use your brain to navigate life and everything that happens in it to learn more about yourself and make your self an even stronger person then you already are. You and your father have a shared experience together so even though you are not together physically, it will help you mentally to have him in your thoughts while you both grieve together. So really you will not be alone in the true sense of the word. You also have the support of your loved ones and the people on these forums who are sharing your pain with you by sending you warmth.
I have been doing a little bit around the house like getting rid of things that I don't need or weren't mine so I can feel a bit better but that isn't much but atleast it is a start. Corona virus lockdown is hard to deal with on a personal level with all that is going on in my head but hard to deal with in general because you hear about how hard things are for others and it makes you feel worse. The past week there has been so much in the media about everything from eating disorders to people feeling like they have no hope for the future about how they are going to attain there aspirations. Even the little things not being there in your life can make you feel disconnected and lonely like visits to the library even.
A big hug for you Sarah.
A.

[Aaronsis]

Hey A

Thank you so much for your support and your kind words to me, I sometimes don't feel strong and brave, I sometimes do and that is what gives me hope in the knowledge that it is ok to have some times of weakness and sadness but I also know that there will be better days and that feelings and emotions change like the weather. It is so great to know that there are places like here, that while I am here to chat to you and to provide support to you, you also provide so much support to me too, and that is huge to me.

You are very right in that my father and I do have this shared experience and though we will not be together in the true sense of the word, we will be together in our feelings on the day. I am trying to make it a celebration of his life and not a day of misery, I am sure he had enough of those so I think I am going to try to be kind to me on the day, do what I need to do, get some beautiful flowers, maybe go somewhere for a really nice walk.. we will see, but you are right, I will cope, I will be fine and it is just another day really and not any easier or harder than any other of the 365 days we have not had him for.

I am really pleased to hear that you are clearing out things that you no longer need or that are not yours, it is really cathartic to do that, to have a cleanse and to start fresh, to be rid of the old baggage and to make room for fresh new things. This is true for feelings and emotions too, which is why I find writing so wonderful.

This isolation time is a challenge and we do have to keep coming up with new ways to keep the days relevant and filled. I have done some baking today, some work and my daughter died my hair! It has made my day feel full and like we have had some time together too which is nice. It is almost 3.30pm and my son has just joined us from his slumber...sigh!

It is a shame that the library is closed and places that you can go to get some human interaction, while I tend to get that from the shops even that is frustrating me now with people shopping like it is doomsday! I am surprised when people have not learnt from the last time, we did not run out of food or supplies so there was no need to stock up for 7 months!!! Ahh well, I guess it is human nature for us....

Off to Officeworks to buy a magnifying glass with my daughter..she wants to make a projector..stay tuned for that one!

Thank you for your support to me A, I appreciate it more than you will know.

Hugs hugs hugs to you

Sarah

[Curious77]

Hello Sarah,

I am so happy that I am able to support you but it isn't comparable to how much you have supported me over the last few months. I have been going through the darkest time in my life and I don't know what I would have done without your kind words and advice. You give out so much kindness in these forums and it is pleasing that you get something out of it as well. It takes so much strength to help people after you have gone through hard times instead of acting out in negativity so it speaks volumes about you as a person. I have been re reading my posts and it is shocking how much despair and pain there is in some of my posts and how you always come back with great support regardless of how low I feel.
Lately I have been reading about narcissistic personality disorder because my father got more and more severe as time went on and he must have been very high in severity on the continuum because of how far he went towards the end to try and get back control and what he did in the end even though I did nothing to him to attack him and only wanted him to treat me with respect. I suspect now that he must have gone to the lengths he did because of how angry he was that I did not comply with what he wanted and that he wanted to pay me back and he was not wrong in anyway. I just feel so much sadness that I was in the life of such a person for so long and how I will never understand how 5% of people could end up like him and hurt so many people with no remorse.
Thanks for listening as always Sarah and I am looking forward to hearing about that projector!
A.

[Aaronsis]

Hi A

I just wanted to let you know that my mother passed away unexpectedly on Wednesday and so just am taking some time for me. You too know how traumatic this is and as you can imagine I am devastated.

I will be back I just need some time for me.

Thinking of you too.

Hugs

Sarah