Feeling anxious about home

[Curious77]

Hello all,

I thought I would give these forums a try because I feel anxious every time I go home because I have come to the conclusion that my father is psychologically abusing me, continually harassing me and lying to me and not allowing me peace in general by trying to get me upset all the time. I am on a low income and I do not think too well because I stress out easily and feel overwhelmed by it all. I do not know how to get myself out of this and I do not have any close friends or family because of my father's behaviour and my own low self esteem and feelings of worthlessness. I can not remember the last time I was happy to be alive and connected to the world around me and I would like that to change.

[Aaronsis]

Hey A

It was so wonderful to hear from you again.

I am so sorry to hear though that whole disability employment services is turning out to be a challenge for you. That is mostly really disappointing to hear that it is up to the consultant you get as to the outcome and your experience with them is consultant based. You would think that there would be guides and rules and very clear directive for each person so that everyone get treated equally and gets the benefits and services that they need. I understand that if you are in breech of the rules that your payments are terminated and that makes sense but once again these breeches should be clear and made so that one size fits all, not up to the consultant with whom you deal with. I can understand your frustrations with this and also feeling let down with this kind of grey area and knowing there is not some consistency.

That is worrying that they don't have specialists that can relate and to work closely with people in that area of their specialty. I am not sure if it is possible but can you request to be transferred to another consultant once you establish that perhaps the person you are speaking with cannot support you? Also if you are feeling like you are being ignored and not getting the support you need I would absolutely put a call in to see how you can transfer to another person with whom does have a better understanding of what you need. I would guess that there is no harm in asking and finding out if this is possible. Just like counsellors we don't always mesh with people and this goes with any walk of life, but if these people don't serve us or connect with us surely we are within our rights to keep trying until we do get a person who can help, what do you think about perhaps asking if you can see someone else?
This is your care and your journey and you need to feel supported. Maybe they think that they are supporting you well enough, so if in fact you don't mention it they may just assume that the service is providing you with adequate care.

I am so sorry A that this is proving trying for you and letting you down.

I am glad that you like a good cat video though, they are just the funniest and a really great way to get some fun in the day. Cats in real life are even funnier and as I have three they never fail to provide me with endless entertainment.

Things are going pretty well for me atm and I am feeling mostly pretty good, thank you for asking A.

Chat soon my friend and hope you are well.

Sarah

[Curious77]

Hello Sarah,

I hope the school holidays are going well. It certainly helps that we are out of lockdown so you don't have to send each other mad.

I have been spending time in a group lately trying to understand my needs better and set boundaries for myself so that I can have a life that is more like how I want. I realise now that in order to stop yourself from ending up in situations where your needs are not met and you are not being treated the way that you want is easy to do when you are just concentrating on the other person and not on yourself.

With everything that is happening with the employment agency and with everything that happened with my father I think this is the common link that I need to work on to give myself more power over my own life. When people are coercively controlling you it is easy to forget your own needs and I can see that this can easily happen with my consultant as I could just end up concentrating on the obligations that I need to meet instead of what I want. I think it is hard work trying to stay conscious of your own needs instead of ignoring them my whole life but it is something that I need to work at with the support of the group.

I thought about what you said about finding another consultant and I decided to send them a letter about how I am finding it retraumatizing to have somebody behaving like my father and ignoring my needs and what I want and punishing me if I don't do something their way and not working with me. I also explained that sometimes she speaks in a passive way which insinuates what she can do with her power which is also retraumatizing. Hopefully I will hear back from them soon!

Thanks for listening to me as always and I hope you are in a good mental space!

A.

[Aaronsis]

Hi A

It is wonderful to hear from you and you are very right with the lockdown thing, I am so glad that we are not in the same boat still as NSW, although we did have our turn. The kids are on school holidays so are able to see friends and get out and about and do things which thankfully is a huge relief for me. I just feel so bad for them when they are all cooped up and have no where to go and no one to see, I cope better as I still have work but they had nothing.

I am so very proud of you that you are spending some time with the group and that you are starting to make choices that work for you, make you feel good and to set boundaries to support your growth and your wellbeing, this is fantastic news. It is so very important to make your feelings and your thoughts and your opinions a priority to you, as you say, and stop looking to others to fill gaps or even change behaviors, choices are ours and it is within us to surround ourselves with likeminded people, people who support us and people who let us be who we are and accept us. It is hard to know and learn this though but I am so glad that you are on your way to knowing how important you are and how vital it is to acknowledge you.

Well done on considering that another consultant could be the way to go, as we said, in life we don't connect with everyone and that is totally fine, however we need to keep searching until we find the people we connect with, never more so that with a therapist or counsellor, we really need to have that connection to get the best out of the sessions. When there is that connection you feel validated and that you can consider that what they say to you may work for you and that is wonderful. I hope that they are able to support you and to make an appointment with a new person for you.

I am in a great space A, thank you for asking, while July has now sort of become a month I would rather not do, I am getting around it and managing the days. I have two anniversaries this month, the 15th will be the first year of my mother's passing and on the 31st will be the second year of my brother's passing, so some tough days but they will get easier. We were not able to do much infact anything for mum as COVID was in full swing so we will lay her ashes next week in a place that I think she would really love, I hope she will be peacefully resting there.

Hope that this note finds you well A and that things are going along happiness for you, you sound like you are in a great space.

Hugs

Sarah

[Curious77]

Hello Sarah,

What a difference two months makes and now it feels like we have been in lockdown forever like those poor souls in nsw. The poor kids are stuck at home again and workers have turned their homes back into offices again. The ones that do go to work have to risk covid again.

This covid has certainly put my group meetings and centrelink trials and tribulations on hold for now which is annoying because you can't get into a rhythm and it sort of feels like you are going back to scratch. You can't help but wonder how the people that you have been talking with are going with lockdown especially some of them who do not have good home environments and those that really need someone to talk with if they are not able to discuss things with the people in their life.

I have been spending my time on reading books on love. I figure that because I do not know what love feels like or how it is supposed to go, I should read books about it so that I can tell the difference between a disfunctional relational ship and one that works to the benefit of both people.

One of the books that I read was by a person called Teal Swan and she made it sound so simple that love is where you take another person so that they become a part of you so if they hurt you hurt too and you are trying to make each others life better. I also learnt that invalidating people and not listening to people or not trying to put yourself in their shoes is not love either but a form of abuse. I am now under the impression that most relationships are toxic so I don't know whether it was good or bad that I read the books. On a positive note I now know that a relationship is much more likely to last if your lives can exist side by side and can help each other otherwise it is far more likely to become a bad experience.

I hope you were able to bring closure to the passing of your mother by doing something meaningful and special with your mother's ashes. At least lockdown happened in August not July luckily!

Thanks for listening as usual Sarah.

A.

[Aaronsis]

Hi A

How wonderful it is to chat to you again and yes, two months does make a big difference. We have been doing lockdown for so long and I think that NSW and VIC have really copped it hard this time. I am hopeful that the end is in sight and we can get back to doing some things that we used to very soon. It is so hard for the kids especially in that they cannot see friends and do the usual things that they would, mine are finding it so tough this time around. My heart breaks for them as at least I can get out and do some groceries and come in a few days a week to work, they are stuck at home.

I am sorry to hear your routine with groups and with centrelink trials has also been impacted, you are right, the routine disruption really causes upset when you feel like you are making progress and starting to find your feet, how frustrating for you. That is very thoughtful of you to be thinking of others at a time like this and how they are coping if they don't have people to chat to or engage with, I think that here in this community on the BB forum we have seen some new people come to chat for this very reason, as well as people posting more frequently due to isolation or limited interaction with family and friends, it is so hard, like a time we have never really known before.

That is such a lovely idea that you are introducing yourself to the concepts and notions of love through reading, it really will open your eyes to many ways in which people feel love and give love too. You are very perceptive though and just as these are stories you will get mixes of toxic components too, which I guess is good to see but also remember that these are stories and not really true accounts of how to love or be loved. I think that the only way to really learn that is to experience it A. With basic principles in place:

• Treat others how you would like to be treated
• Speak to others how you would like to be spoken to
• Think of the other person when making decisions, even if they don't directly impact them
• Think of small things to show the person that they mean something to you

Another thing to think about is establishing boundaries with what sort of things you will not accept from another person, this too applies to friendships and to just being with other people in general. You are very right that a relationship is most successful when each party has a love for themselves, has their own interests and then side by side you compliment each other and support each other.

Hugs

Sarah

[Aaronsis]

....I forgot to mention...yes we were so very very lucky in that the day we went to lay mum's ashes was Thursday 14 July...we then went into lockdown on the Friday night. I am so grateful we got to do this and to have the time to celebrate mum and to lay her where it may have meant something to her. We got some gorgeous flowers and we spent the day driving there and back and chatting and remembering her and we had some lunch too. It was not what I ever thought I would be doing in saying good bye to her but I think she would have loved it.

Thank you for asking and thinking of me A

S