Feeling anxious about home

[Curious77]

Hello all,

I thought I would give these forums a try because I feel anxious every time I go home because I have come to the conclusion that my father is psychologically abusing me, continually harassing me and lying to me and not allowing me peace in general by trying to get me upset all the time. I am on a low income and I do not think too well because I stress out easily and feel overwhelmed by it all. I do not know how to get myself out of this and I do not have any close friends or family because of my father's behaviour and my own low self esteem and feelings of worthlessness. I can not remember the last time I was happy to be alive and connected to the world around me and I would like that to change.

[Aaronsis]

Hi A

Another week of home schooling..I have really not ever experienced the anxiety that comes with this whole process and I feel for the kids, I am scared for the parents, it is so unknown and so many expectations...I just wonder how this all works out.

I have been thinking about your mum, her praying, her religion, that she is likely to choose the "chin up", "get on with it" approach and that this is not really working for you. I can see though that her praying and her beads is almost like a form of mindfulness, would you agree? That even though she is praying and talking to a God that we may not subscribe to, she is using this time to be calm and have her body and her mind calm and also feel like she is creating positive space for her, and that is pretty good. I think anything that makes people feel peace and calm and like they are doing good in the world is great. I do worry that she is using it to bottle up, to suppress and to ignore perhaps her trauma and her pain, which is how she gets through the day. I am just surmising here but from what you said her faith is her healing.

I agree with you, I don't think of bottling it up or suppressing these things as a good idea. I always think of a bottle of soft drink, it is fine while it sits there, but once you shake it up things change..if you leave the lid off the drink comes out and is free...it is out...but if you leave the lid on ..the soft drink will eventually explode, spray everywhere and make a huge mess. I think if we can get to the point that we know the drink has bubbles, we know that sometimes it feels fizzy and ready to pop, but if we take the lid off and talk and get some support and some help we can get the drink back to its stable self. I think you can see my analogy here...lol

I am so happy to hear that you have some sudoku to do and some crosswords too, it is at least something to get us through this time. We started a huge puzzle the other night and that has taken up some time for us, it is such a win when you find that one piece you have been looking for all night...a little like life really...

I also did a painting the other day of a Llama, I kind of had my mum in mind when I was painting it so that was a nice thing to do, she really loved Llamas and while we were waiting for her body to be collected we had her favorite Llama blanket over her.

This weekend I will be trying to celebrate my granny's 90th birthday. Skype calls and cake!

Chat really soon A, sorry for my late reply..

Sarah

[Curious77]

Hello Sarah,

Happy birthday to your granny, I hope she is in good spirits and well because lockdown has been so hard for a lot of people. It will be good for you to have some cake and fun with all the stress you and the kids have been under with home schooling. Hopefully you have been doing some fun things together as well like the puzzle to enjoy each others company too. I am happy that you did little things in your mothers funeral to remember who she was and what she liked and who she was as a person. You will always have those beautiful things in your mind like how she likes llamas so may she rest in peace.

I have been finding it hard with mum this week because she has a wall up even more than usual. I am a person who is sensitive to other people's moods so I have been finding it especially difficult. I was trying to explain to her how I have been feeling deflated even more because I came across 4 corners story about people suffering with mental ill health because it brought up things about the sort of violence and abuse my father did to me but she thinks that I have no one but myself to blame for living with him and interacting with him and I obviously didn't mind it that much since I dealt with it for so long. She thinks that my low moods are to do with laziness as other people are able to function day to day and it has nothing to do with trauma and feeling like an idiot for not realising what was going on and being treated like I don't matter and that I must be just incompetent for being so unproductive and that I can't be counted on in my state.
I just feel like her lack of listening to me is starting to turn more and more into victim blaming and that I am lost cause who can't move forwards into a brighter future so I feel apprehensive in talking to her because I feel worse afterwards. I just feel like she is bottling up her feelings and then it just comes out all of a sudden every now and then instead of just staying silent or deflecting my feelings.
I hope you have a great time with granny on the weekend and thanks for listening.
A.

[Aaronsis]

Hi A

Thank you so much for the birthday wishes for my granny, she had a lovely day and there was like, 19 ppl on the Skype call! She was very overwhelmed with the technology but as you can imagine she was very thrilled at all the birthday love. We had some cake and popped a cork and had some champagne so it was really lovely. She is in very good shape for 90! It is kind of hard to compare how my mum was in such poor shape at 75 and to see my grandmother flourishing at 90...it just doesn't make sense.

How have you been going this week? I am sure you are just as keen as me to find out what next for us here in Melbourne, I really hope that we can have some of the restrictions lifted a little.

How has this week been with your mum and making peace with her way of thinking and her attitude towards your wellbeing and trauma? I hope that you do know that you are not to blame for how you were treated, that you were a child and and a young adult and how were you to know this kind of behaviour is not "normal". I am so sorry that the 4 corners show didn't create even some questioning from your mum or some considering that there might be another way to think about your situation and others. I think as we have said before, she is very set in her ways and I do feel like she does this to push down and pain or even guilt that she may be feeling too. I am sure she has some of that if you were left in the care of your father and that she did not protect you.

I feel like you are coming to a point where you wont talk to much to her about how you are feeling as it is not helping you. At this time you need to have people who are understanding, who can assure you that you are not lazy and worthless and that ill mental health as a result of trauma is real and it is painful.

How has the suduko been going for you? what else have you been up to in these lock down times A?

Last night was the first time that I smelt the air and knew that it was spring, you know that warm air smell and like it is getting more sunny and warm and it just made me feel so happy.

Chat some more really soon my friend

Sarah xx

[Curious77]

Hello Sarah,

Your granny's birthday party sounds lovely, so glad you had a fun time. Coronavirus has changed what a birthday party is so much that's for sure just like what going to school means these days.
In between sudoku I have been reading up on how to make oneself more adaptable because I just feel like fear of the future has taken over my mind so I thought I would try to read up on people who can dust themselves off and start a new chapter.
I was reading about this young woman who has nearly died twice from burns and crashes which sounded absolutely horrible and it was interesting her concept of her identity has changed and the way people view her and feel sorry for her and how it all seems to over shadow her unique personality and what she has to offer other people. She feels like she is her disabilities and people don't see her abilities. Maybe the key to dealing with things is to not be so tied to your identity and other people's identity and let experience teach you new things and let new information inform your life choices and direction and not be scared of letting go of elements of your life that no longer fit the new you. Instead of holding on for dear life to things by pretending it didn't happen or that the new information is not true, we should be more like her and keep living life by adapting to the new circumstances by evolving with it instead of feeling sorry for yourself and feeling stuck. She is very inspiring I have to say by looking at what she can do rather than what is missing like I do and end up feeling stuck.
Hope your enjoying the lovely weather Sarah
Thanks for listening as always,
A.

[Aaronsis]

Wow A, this is a really amazing post and some really great insights that you have found and discovered.

It is so true, just as we are not the disability that life may have given us and we should not be defined by that, so too goes for mental ill health too, and just because you have suffered trauma, like you, or a suicide, like me..that is not who we are..I am not "Sarah the girl who's brother died by suicide", I am so much more than that. Just as you are not the pain and trauma that has been handed to you in your life. I am a little bit further down the track than you, I have turned my "thing" into a tool and it allows me to have a voice, it allows me to speak about suicide and it gives me the courage to reach out to others and have those hard conversations, that some others may not be so comfortable having. BUT..I have had to come down the road you are on to get here...you are so intelligent, you are so warm and so caring that I cannot help but see you being able to support someone else one day in the trauma that they have been through, your story, as they say, will be the healing of another A, I believe that.

You strive to learn, to understand and to grow, this is not a person who is defined by trauma, this is a person who is taking on the pain and the memories and questioning it, challenging it and creating a space for peace for it.

I am so proud of you A and reading what you have written here is a real testament to how far you are coming along in your journey. It hasn't been easy for you either, as you essentially are doing this alone, with the constant challenges of your mum too.

The weather has been so wonderful the past few days and I have been able to just get a coffee and sit in the back yard and drown in the rays, it has been a real pleasure. Have you been able to get some of this gorgeous sun?

I am wondering if you have heard of a lady called "Sam Bloom"? have a google and read her story of her incredible journey with a Magpie named Penquin.....

Hugs to you A and a huge high five..I am so proud of you.

Sarah xxx

[Curious77]

Hello Sarah,

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement and believing in my abilities. I just feel lost in my thoughts sometimes and feel like I am going insane so I don't really have any good perspective so it is good to have people like you who are looking at it from the outside and making me feel better.
I looked up Sam Bloom and what a tragic situation to find yourself in and it was beautiful how that bird came along and helped her out of her darkest hour. The great thing about animals is that they don't judge you and just want to spend time with you which is wonderful when you are feeling miserable and you don't need criticism or made to feel bad about yourself even if they don't mean it. It is so hard to have your life turned upside down like that and not knowing what you are going to do with yourself anymore because your situation has changed so much. It is sort of like becoming invisible because you don't feel connected to life anymore and that sense of your life has become worthless. It is so beautiful that she was able to rebuild her life and give it meaning instead of disability being a wall in front of her that she can't get past which is terrible for her mental health. Her family and friends must have been so happy to see her get out of that terrible mental state as well as that would hurt so much to see her like that.
I hope you and the kids are going OK in isolation as you have been home schooling for what feels like an eternity I am sure.
Thanks for your support and listening as always Sarah.
A.

[Aaronsis]

Hi A

It is nice to have people who have your back and can see sometimes what you cannot, through the fog and the thoughts and the pain, it is hard to see. I think that is also why talking and sharing is so great in that not only can you get some clarity on what you are feeling but you can also get some new eyes almost, that people can point out things to you that you can no longer see, or you have forgotten how to see. That even though you "know it" and logically it makes sense, our feelings don't let us and our thoughts don't let us and that is hard to battle with.

I am so glad that you had a look at Sam's story. It really is such and unusual one but it is so beautiful and so amazing in that you just don't know what is around the corner, what is going to be the thing that helps you and what is going to be the moment when it all changes. It is almost exciting to think about, that it will happen, there are better days ahead and that we just don't know what is going to make us feel good again.

Hopefully there will be a date that this home schooling will be over, my son is over it, I am over it, it is hard, it is so limiting and it just makes every one feel like a failure...anyway, I guess there are things that we can learn from this, I will let you know when I figure out what that is..lol.

I hope that we have some sort of easing of these restrictions soon, I just want to go to the movies or eat out and not have to see these four walls of my house. Ahhhh, but I have alot to be grateful for and I am trying to remind myself of that, trying to remember what we have learnt in this time and also the things I would not have done if we were not subject to this situation.

I am also just going through a bit of a time myself, just feeling guilty around my mother's passing and that I was not there for her, that I didn't do enough and that here I am on a forum to support people and I could not do that for her.

Maybe some outside time for me now with a coffee and some fresh air....

Hope you are good A and hope to chat to you soon.

Hugs as always

Sarah

[Curious77]

Hello Sarah,

I hope you have been enjoying the summer like weather over the weekend. It was so tempting for a lot of people to break the restrictions with socialising for sure as a lot of people have been feeling lonely with all this stuck at home and not seeing loved ones. Maybe some time in the garden would have been nice.
I am sorry you have been having a hard time processing all the thoughts that you are having about your mother. It is easy to just sit down and think about what you should have done or not done to help her but at the end of the day you tried your best in your efforts to help her with all the information that you had about her situation and how to get her moving forward. When you are in the situation you have to think on your feet plus all the other things you have to think about and do and you only have so much time and concentration so you can easily just end up seeing the trees for the forest so don't beat yourself up. Sometimes we can only realise what was happening with hindsight rather than when we are in the middle of it when it can seem like blur. I have no doubt that you are going to come out of this a better and stronger person as you learn more and more and realise more and more.
I am so happy to hear that they are starting up schools again to give everyone home schooling break!
Take care Sarah.
A.

[Aaronsis]

Hi A

Thank you so much for your support to me, I have been taking less time to write on the forum and some time for me, to do some things to fill my cup up so I can shake some of the mud that is sticking to me.

I must say that I am three weeks into some hypnotherapy that I have engaged a therapist to do with me and I am so delighted at the results, I am feeling some peace and mostly tho I am thrilled that the irrational thoughts are leaving me. I didn't know what to expect but had to do something and I think the work I am doing with this lady is really helping me, or maybe I am helping me...who knows! You are so very right about hindsight and the learnings we have after the fact....when we take the time to reflect and to see the situation for what it actually was and not layer it with expectations and unrealistic pressures.

The weather has been stunning although not so much today, but it is going to be awesome tomorrow so I really have to start to get out and do some walks and get that fresh air and nature in, it really does make a huge difference.

How have you been feeling A? Have you had any time of feeling like you are making some more progress and some time of feeling good?

The kids are back at school on the 26th so that is another step forward for us. They are really missing the social engagement and their friends too. I cannot wait for some small normality back for them.

I am feeling super lucky today as one of the lady's I work with has some chickens and she left me 1 dozen eggs on my desk so I am really looking forward to having eggs for dinner tonight...yum!

Great to chat with you some more A and sorry for the tardy reply, just taking some time to fill my cup up too which I am learning is very important, I spend so much time in sharing with others, I forget these things apply to me too.....

Hope today is a great one for you.

Hugs

Sarah

[Curious77]

Hello Sarah,

I can totally understand your need to just take a step back so that you can spend some time to heal yourself. Hypnotherapy sounds like a good way to bring feelings and thoughts to the surface so that you can deal them and feel better with what is happening in your mind,
I was listening to this woman who had a boyfriend and left him after two years but he didn't take it well and stalked her for ten years until he had a car crash. She talked about for all that time she just concentrated on doing everything she could to protect her self but she was unable to take the time to process and think about what was happening and had happened and to heal from it. It wasn't until the stalking ended that she fell into a heap from all the trauma she had suffered and began to analyse it all and it took her many years to heal. The problem was that everyone thought that she should have been happy that it ended and couldn't understand why she was so depressed but she had all this trauma that she hadn't dealt with and couldn't move on until she worked through it and she said that it was a very lonely path to walk because nobody understood what she was dealing with. This is why it's so good that your dealing with your thoughts so that it doesn't build up and you end up crashing like that poor woman did.
I am so glad that the kids are back at school and restrictions are easing. Hopefully people will start to feel like there old selves again.

Thanks for listening as always and hope your well
A.