Feeling anxious about home

[Curious77]

Hello all,

I thought I would give these forums a try because I feel anxious every time I go home because I have come to the conclusion that my father is psychologically abusing me, continually harassing me and lying to me and not allowing me peace in general by trying to get me upset all the time. I am on a low income and I do not think too well because I stress out easily and feel overwhelmed by it all. I do not know how to get myself out of this and I do not have any close friends or family because of my father's behaviour and my own low self esteem and feelings of worthlessness. I can not remember the last time I was happy to be alive and connected to the world around me and I would like that to change.

[Curious77]

Hello Sarah,

Thanks for your advice about my mother. I never thought about it in the sense of tools that she has that she can help me with or just unable to help me. I suppose my mother is a person that has a lot of faith in God and that she can lap up the opportunities that God has for her so it is a bit hard to explain to her that my confidence in myself is at a low point and I don't know whether I can spot the opportunities that she can spot because my mind doesn't work as well as it would normally and my decision making skills are impaired so I need help with life by people whose brains are working better than mine. I even have difficulty objectively looking at my own experiences and need a psychologist to process my thoughts and reactions and what I don't even see going on. I am glad though that my mother doesn't understand because it means that she has never been in my horrible situation and I wouldn't want her to experience it. Also, my life has been very different to hers so naturally our tools available in each of us is going to be different because experience and circumstance are different which is OK. For example, I don't know what it feels like to watch a child grow up or what it's like to be in a country I know nothing about.
I hope you and the kids are coping OK with everything as I know you have a lot of thoughts and feelings going on as well. It is so hard to lose someone even when you know it is coming let alone when it happens all of a sudden so a big hug to you Sarah. Thanks for listening and your illuminating thoughts.
A.

[Aaronsis]

Hi A

That is interesting in what you say about your mum and her faith in God and how it does give her peace, peace that she believes she can hand over her trust to God that things will work out and it almost relieves one of the "worry" of life as people of faith know that God has it taken care of. I personally am not in this category and while I believe that there is something else out there, I am not sure that it is the Bible and God. I tend to think we are the ones that have to do the work for our happiness and for things to be better in our lives and actively make efforts to engage the help of others, to talk, to seek medical intervention if need be and that sure, there are most definitely better days ahead but I am not sure God has anything to do with that...those are just my beliefs though.

As you say, it is a blessing that you mum does not know of what you talk about and the pain and the hurt and the confusion and the not knowing and trouble understanding, and that she has not had to experience this in her life, maybe she has though but in her own way and with her faith she has or maybe even continues to fight battle too...she just does it differently to you, and that is why ill mental health is so tough to manage as one size most certainly does not fit all.

I wanted to talk to you about your impaired decision making and your inability to process your thoughts, is this something you want to share here, to see if I can help you with that, you most certainly do not have to as you are getting help from a professional which is wonderful, just wondering if you wanted to share some things here?

Watching a child grow up is one of life's blessings to, but..it is hard, it is emotional and it is a challenge in which you are forever questioning if you are doing it right or have you said the right thing or did you manage that well...parenting is hard and that is something I try to remind some of the younger people I talk to here too...it does not come with a handbook and we do get it wrong too. Mostly we do things out of love, some parents have battles we as the child know nothing about, it is all very complex. But with love and understanding and compassion we can grow and learn. Unfortunately you are having to manage this part on your own as you did not get this from your father, but you are doing a brilliant job and the effort you are putting in to learn about you, to grow and to heal is outstanding A.

I really enjoy chatting to you, stay safe today

Hugs

Sarah

[Curious77]

Hello Sarah,

I think back through my life, there is so little that I remember and the things that I do remember are either traumatic or things that I did because I was stressed, in childhood that is. For example I remember rocking in a chair when I was stressed and not being comfortable saying anything in case I get shouted at or not getting a good reaction. I also remember trying to stay out of the way of my parents rather than interacting. I don't have many good memories at all so it's like I blanked out large parts of my childhood. Was my childhood that bad or was it just really boring and I don't have any memories of having good times with my family which is sad. I try to think back to sources of my inability to make decisions without getting really nervous or scared and I can't think of events that can help me to understand how I ended up like this. I still feel paralysed with fear when I try to make decisions or move forward with ideas and I find it hard to switch it off. It is like my ability to process thoughts is foggy and confused and nerve racking because of all the negative feelings that I get so I end up going no where with it.
When I think back to times when I felt comfortable in people's company all I can think of is just nervousness so I don't remember how I ended up so nervous around people. It's frustrating just not feeling comfortable around other people automatically and finding it difficult to stop it. I just feel like a person with all these subconscious patterns that are self destructive and unhelpful with no origin and can't remember ever being any different.
It is hard for me to try to explain things like this to my mother because she thinks that I just need to move on but it is hard to move on from these things that are deeply etched in your behaviours.
Thanks for listening and it is nice chatting with you too Sarah.
A.

[Aaronsis]

Hi A
Sorry for my absence..home schooling is proving to be time consuming, I feel like I am just fighting with my kids all the time and then when they ask for help I have no idea..sigh..i really have a whole new appreciation for teachers and the struggles they must go through to keep kids engaged and motivated...

It is so hard to "MOVE ON" in the whole sense of the concept, in that you no longer and effected that situation..HOWEVER..you are moving on, slowly and surely, you have learning that you are doing, you have healing that you are doing and also acceptance of these behaviors and that they did happen to you, that you were wronged and that it was unfair. Time, time..it is taking time A but you are going through the process and you are doing so well. I know it is hard when the ones we love cannot support us as we need, we have talked about this, I just hope that your mum can see some small signs of your huge progress, I can see how much you need this validation from her, that you are worthy and that you are important. That is the piece that I am would like you to know today that you are worthy and that you are so important and even though your mum, who you love and cherish so much, cannot see how far you have come..YET....she will and in the mean time I can see how much progress you are making and I can see how much work and effort you are putting into this. Please try not to let her lack of understanding overshadow the hard work you have done and continue to do. What you went through with your father was so very much and takes time. I am wondering...and I may be off here..but maybe your dear mother has some guilt of her own, that she could not protect you from him and that you were there every day in his care to be subjected to this behavior? Maybe telling you to "get over it" and "move on" is her way, as you say of brushing this away and making out like it didn't happen or was not as bad and it makes her feel pain too. Just a thought and I may be off here. That maybe she is trying to "rush" your healing as it is reminding her too of her pain in that she could not protect you.

Making choices and decisions is tricky and there are always consequences for them..good and bad, I am hoping that as your self confidence grows your ability to make these choices is lessened as a struggle and more of a joy in that you can start to see it as you taking control of your life and making choices for your life.

running out of room..

Chat soon and huge hugs

Sarah

[Curious77]

Hello Sarah,

I got a bit of a shock two days ago when I was talking with my mother and she suggested that I was seeking attention by being depressed and that I just wanted sympathy and that other people that are in abusive situations feel a weight lift off there shoulders when that person leaves their life and feel so happy and why can't I feel happy. Having read your post, maybe those comments were a desperate attempt to get me to move on so that she can stop feeling pain about her guilty feelings that I was in that situation. I got the impression that she thinks that I am being stubborn by not moving on but that could also be her protective feelings towards me and her desire to rush me to recover. I think maybe she wants someone to give me a tablet that can restore me straight away and then it would all be over or something along those lines.
Unfortunately for me this whole experience with my father has really affected my identity and what I thought was my relationship with him and I realised really late what he was doing so I have a lot of revision of my life to do because my experiences have to now be understood in a new light. For example, his inflated ego and desire to control to the point of revenge and destruction if he doesn't get his way, which puts his behaviour throughout my life in a newconditions light

[Curious77]

Sorry Sarah,

Accidently pressed the reply button, seems to happen to me on smart phones! Computers are better.
I hope things are going well at home with the kids and home schooling and thanks for listening Sarah.
A.

[Aaronsis]

Hi A

I am so sorry to hear that the relationship with your mum continues to challenge you, and that you feel like she is judging you and maybe feeling annoyed that you can't "just move on", that you need sympathy and attention. I was thinking about her comment that others who have suffered have an enormous weight lifted off their shoulders once the person who has inflicted this pain/trauma/grief leaves, I am wondering if that is how she is feeling, that she is feeling a weight lifted off after your fathers passing and she is infact projecting her thoughts and her expectations on to you. It would be interesting to ask her how she knows that this is how people feel when a person leaves....it would show some insight into her thinking and feeling if she could talk about this further with you.

Maybe that is something you have to start to do with her, question her statements and why is it she believes that or says that, don't challenge them just listen and maybe this will shine some light on her thinking. As you say we know she feels like you are attention seeking, next time she says that to you maybe ask her what she thinks that means, maybe if it is a cry for attention what can she do to help you in that space? Why does she think you may need some extra attention? Maybe you do need some extra care at this time from her? These are not bad things for her to know, questioning someones statements sometimes helps us to understand where they are coming from. And while we know your mum is feeling pain too, she may, as we talked about before have her own guilt around this, and just wants it all to go away. That she is coping (?) why can't you? These are all just things that I am surmising here and if you want to go down that path with her that may be helpful to you too. As we also discussed you may choose not to have her as part of your support team and when these things come up you can say you would prefer not to talk about them with her. Only you can answer that A.

You are very right in that the actions of the past have shaped you and now you are finding out who you are and your new identity, take all the time you need, healing has no time frame and nor does discovering one's self, I don't think we ever stop discovering new things about ourselves, ever. That is called growth.

Your growth is huge A and you have come such a long way and I am proud, I hope you are too.

Self discovery is hard, you are still in there and fighting and this is awesome.

Hugs

Sarah

[Curious77]

Hello Sarah,

Your thoughts were very interesting and it gives me a lot to think about as it puts things in a different light.
On the weekend, I spoke to mum and we were watching an interview with Mary Trump about a book that she has written about the Trump family. She talked about how her grandfather was a sociopath and affectively abused her father into alcoholism and early death because he didn't like his personality and mum said that that there are a lot of people who get abused and it was not just me. She is either very keen for me to recover or she doesn't see abuse as anything consequential because she was abused as well so there is nothing to worry about and she doesn't see what all the fuss is about with me having mental issues. I was surprised how she glossed over the trauma that this man had suffered at the hands of his father and I found it very sad what she had to say about her grandfather and grandmother in regards to her father. I was quite drained by that interview and my mother's response so I didn't really feel like challenging her. I also figured that maybe my mother just wants to hear what she wants to hear in regards to mental illness as she wants recovery. This has probably made her listening skills worse and I just find it tiring not being heard. I think with my mother there might be a mental block or maybe she really does think that I am attention seeking or maybe she thinks that I need to become tougher. Then again she is religious so maybe she thinks there is punishment in hell so no need to worry if God is keeping score. Thanks for listening and your great advice as usual Sarah.
A.

[Aaronsis]

Hey A

I am so happy to hear that our chats are helping A, and hearing that you are searching and questioning and looking for answers, for ways to understand and intimately making a brighter path ahead for you. The more you question and receive information with open eyes and an open heart the learning and the understanding does grow.

I am also not sure what to make of your mother's position, there are so many reasons so could be acting the way she is, shutting out the conversations, brushing over traumatic events, pointing out that others have pain and trauma to, as to minimize the pain and feelings you have. As you said, she has too gone through things in her life and this is perhaps the way she manages to get through each day. With her faith in God and her religion and knowing that might give her all the hope she needs, that she doesn't need to know details, or work through situations or talk about events that happened to her, she has placed those in the hands of God and is happy with that.

As we know what works for one person is not the same as what does for another, and this is what I think you are really struggling with, the fact that your mother cannot see with empathy your pain, your trauma and is almost dismissing it. This is really hurtful to you as you need and want her support. I am not sure that even if you were to say these words directly to her that she would be able to, as we have mentioned before. That is really hard to hear I know and I am sure it is pain all over again and again each time she dismisses you.

You made a really great point to me last month about logic, I have really heard you with that and it has left me alot to consider. I have been thinking about how I even respond to people on here and how logic and obvious answers are just so unhelpful. I am wondering if we are taking the same approach here with your mother? Are we coming at her lack of support and empathy for you with too much logic as to what she "should be doing" and "should be saying"...I am going to think about this some more and see what other way we can engage your mum and reach her in her place where she can find something, even if it is so small, to be able to help you A as that is what I am hearing you need so much. Your mothers support and comfort.

On a side note, how are you filling the days with lockdown? I have been baking and doing a puzzle that is so beyond hard that I want to throw it out the window..but wont let it defeat me!

Hugs and chat soon

Sarah

[Curious77]

Hello Sarah,

It is very nice of you to think about my issues during the course of the day and then offering me advice once you have formed a view. I am glad that you get something out of my posts sometimes too and you try and apply it to how you respond to others. It is so difficult to know how to respond to others and what type of help would be most beneficial for them, especially with the anononimity of forums. Speaking of logical and illogical, I think my mother wants me to take up religious practices like praying and counting religious phrases using beads to clear my mind of my thoughts of the past. I have read things about how people try to block out trauma by pushing things to the back of their mind but is that really going to help long term I don't know. I can see that working for things that are unanswerable or temporary things but I don't know if it would work for a person in my situation. Wouldn't that just cause it to come out in subconscious ways with out you even realizing and then wonder why things always go wrong for you or you end up engaging in self undoing or not understanding your reactions and feelings. I think you need to some how build your confidence up so that you feel like a person that is deserving of good things and good enough to feel loved by others rather then just trying to ignore it. That way you understand your own feelings and thoughts so that you can deal with things better.
Sometimes when I am in my mother's company I feel like I am invisible or that my feelings are irrational because she is sure that it is all mind over matter and you can just make any thoughts just disappear. I suspect my mother will start to accuse me of being stubborn by not inviting God into my life but I suppose that this is a journey that I have to travel on my own without her as I am not able to discuss my thoughts and feelings with her as you can see that she doesn't feel comfortable with hearing bad thoughts at all. I suppose my mum is a dedicated believer in the idea that life must go on and there is no time to be miserable and bad thoughts are not things to be entertained.
This lockdown must have gone for a while because I have done more sudokus and crosswords then I would for an entire year.
Thanks for listening as always Sarah.
A.