Feeling anxious about home

[Curious77]

Hello all,

I thought I would give these forums a try because I feel anxious every time I go home because I have come to the conclusion that my father is psychologically abusing me, continually harassing me and lying to me and not allowing me peace in general by trying to get me upset all the time. I am on a low income and I do not think too well because I stress out easily and feel overwhelmed by it all. I do not know how to get myself out of this and I do not have any close friends or family because of my father's behaviour and my own low self esteem and feelings of worthlessness. I can not remember the last time I was happy to be alive and connected to the world around me and I would like that to change.

[Curious77]

Hello Sarah,

I am so devistated for you Sarah, I am shocked. My thoughts are with you and everyone who loved her. I am always here for you whenever you want and are ready.
A huge hug for you Sarah.
A.

[Aaronsis]

Hi A

Just wanted to stop in and see how you are doing and say thank you so very much for your support and your beautiful message to me, it is places like this that really make the pain feel less heavy. I am so grateful to have the support here, even though we are all brought here by pain, somehow together it feels lighter.

How are you going? Narcissistic behaviors are very interesting and it is a whole lot to learn to manage a relationship with one. Even harder when you don't have the resources and you don't know the name and you just don't understand why everything seems to be your fault and why you are made to feel bad all the time. I hope that the reading is providing you with some support and in knowing that it was not you and that it was him and his personality trying to control and trying to enforce. It does not make it any easier but it may help in knowing that you didn't do any thing wrong.

So the update on the projector... it went as I thought it probably would....my spending $15 on a magnifying glass, her cutting the box up and putting her phone in it, it not really working, the magnifying glass just gets thrown on the floor...that's kids for you!....lol

Thanks again A for your support and for your kindness and your messages of strength to me, even though I feel pretty lousy just being here and reading the support I have is so nice, even though I have never met you I feel cared for and like I am not alone which is so very nice.

Hope today is a good one for you and chat really soon

Hugs to you A

Sarah

[Curious77]

Hello Sarah,

It is so good to hear from you and I am so glad that you find this forum helpful as a place of people in hard times that you share in common with and you don't feel alone and that you feel supported. I have been thinking about you and all the emotions and thoughts that you must be processing and how lousy you would be feeling and how much you are going to miss her. I am sure you have great memories that you will remember for the rest of your life and that she will always be in your thoughts but that doesn't ease the pain of such a loss but I know that your stronger than me with a better toolkit so I am sure you will cope better than me!
All that reading that I have been doing on narcissism has certainly caused me to do a lot of reflecting on my dad's behaviour and how it would not have mattered how I behaved and that it was always his intent to make me feel miserable. I can see now why he had no life or interests or desire to contribute to society or connect with people because his whole reason for living was to make those close to him miserable and to control them. His behaviour outside the home was just stage management and he obviously had no intention to ever live his own life or for any positive purpose. I just can't believe that a person's heart could be so sadistic and dark really.
Sounds like you might have a pile of objects that represent your kids half finished projects like that half projector if that is there habit.
So nice to hear from you Sarah.
A.

[Aaronsis]

Hi A

Thank you so much for your support to me and your caring and heartfelt words, it really does help and being here as you know really does make a difference, we are not alone and even if it is just words on a screen, the care and the love does translate sometimes and it helps so much. I don't think I am stronger than you A, we all get given things to deal with in life and they are all so different and we manage the best that we can, sometimes what I seem to be handling ok with others struggle and yet things that I struggle with others manage ok, I guess this is why it helps to reach out and to ask for help and to talk, as mostly others reach back and can offer another view point and that is great. I am coping and just getting through each day, remembering the good times and trying to manage the pretty bad final year I had with her. She struggled so very badly with anxiety and I just could not help her, she could not help herself. It is alot to think about but I will get there.

It is interesting when you do find answers to all that you lived with, even if they are from a text book and not from the person themselves. You are starting to see I think that you really did not have any role in the way your father lived his life and that he had so many things that he struggled with that made him the person he was. It is just so devastating that you wore the brunt of his personality and his problems and that is really just so much to think about. I am just so proud you are thinking about it and getting some help and support and that you know that you are not to blame and that you can heal from this.

My house does contain a whole heap of unfinished projects and it made me laugh to read that when you posted it as it is so true..she comes up with these ideas and then we go about them, they don't work and they then get tossed aside....ah the joys of parenting...she is asking for a sewing machine now as she wants to make masks, we all know how that is going to end so I have told her to use her grandmothers!!!!

Thank you once again for your support and your kind words to me. Each day is getting a little easier and while my cup is not totally full yet to be able to respond to people here how I would like, I am starting back and doing what I can. I have learnt the importance of self care, and you will be interested to know that while I talk to others here about self care, I actually did not have a plan for me..so I have done that now.

Hugs to you A

Sarah

[Curious77]

Hello Sarah,

Anxiety is such a horrible thing to manage, it really does take up all your energy and it becomes so hard to think about anything else. To be in that state for a whole year would feel like eternity so I really do feel so sorry for your mother and you because you were living it with her and you are still processing all that has happened and it is so hard to process with logic because anxiety is something that can take on a life of its own so a big hug to you Sarah. Mental illness is such a hard thing to get yourself out of so it saddens me that your mum was not able to find some light to give her some hope to break those horrible feelings she had. I am glad that you have this forum to help you through this tough time and the people in it to help you through what must be a mess of thoughts and I am so pleased you had something to laugh about with your daughters unfinished projects.
Reading up on my father's personality traits and his behaviours really does make you feel tired and flat just thinking about all the trouble he went to to make everyone miserable. I don't know what life was like in Greece and Turkey and what impact it had on my families mindset but it all seems to have ended up bottled in my father to end up in the state that he was in. Maybe it is true what they say about intergenerational trauma and my father might have been the end result and he simply didn't have the resources to deal with it but I should read up on that.
Big hugs to you and I hope the weekend brings you something to smile about.
A.

[Aaronsis]

Hi A

You made a really great point and mostly anxiety can never be helped with logic, and it is so hard for a person who is supporting another who is so beyond anxious that they are terrified with logical solutions and ways to help, this was my daily struggle. However my dear mum does not have to fight these battles each moment of each day now and can rest peacefully without the burden of her thoughts and fears, that gives me some peace too. She could not see the light or the hope and fear prevented her from doing the smallest of things, but one does have to start somewhere to encourage the process of feeling hopeful and feeling like there are better days coming.

We are so lucky to have places like here and this forum is so wonderful in so many ways. We can talk openly and honestly without the fear of being judged, we can get support from others that may have had the same or similar lived experience and know we are not alone and mostly feel compassion and care. I am so very grateful.

I do have a few friends that are from Greece and I do know that mental health and issues with mental health is something that their parents and especially grandparents did and do struggle with. Some of the older generation too from all nationalities are having to learn about mental health and that it is not a choice and that "chin up" does not help and that it is a real and crippling illness. I think we are learning and getting much better in our generation and in our kids generation but there is still some education to happen as it is a forever changing issue. I think also life was very different in our parents and grandparents day and they did have it much harder and the whole "get on with it" attitude really was common. So presenting as someone who is struggling or who is not coping or needing help I imagine was just not very common.

You will be happy to know that the next project has arrived at my place, my daughter is making masks at home and I bought her a small sewing machine which has kept her busy ALL weekend, the masks are actually really good! We will see how this goes and what the state of my house is like tonight with material and cotton all over the place! It keeps her happy and keeps her brain active in these times of not much else so I am happy to help her along in what she needs to get through these times too.

How was your weekend and how are you going and feeling? We have been talking so much about me that I forget this is your thread!

Hugs to you A

Sarah

[Curious77]

Hello Sarah,

I just get this image in my head of your mum being a person with such huge grief and worry that not even the simple pleasures of life that she once enjoyed could dislodge from her mind the thoughts she had even for a moment. It's such an exhausting situation that she did not even have the energy to put one foot forward to try and make her situation a bit better. It is like hitting a wall and you can't go forward anymore especially if you feel like you have struggled with things in your life for a long time and your just thinking what is the point of addressing anything because your thinking about other struggles that won't go away so your still going to be unhappy if you address a few things even. You can't even see yourself ever being happy so may she rest in peace.
I have been thinking about how much your children have seen and had to deal with in their short lives and how hard it must be to understand at such a young age. They are already racking up the life experience in areas that some people never have to deal with already. Oh and mask making could turn her into an coronavirus entrepreneur so sewing mess could be the new decor for your house if it doesn't get disgarded as an idea of course.
I think the disappointing thing about older European people is that some of them think it has got to do with the devil entering your mind and causing you to think negatively or self destructively or they think that you don't have enough faith in God that you will be taken care of or your not mentally strong enough to think about other stuff more positive so any person seeking support or understanding is met with indifference because they think that your not helping yourself so its probably a lot easier to just put your chin up and hope you don't break down from the mental strain of coping on your own.
I actually felt a little bit better today because the sun was out even though we are still in lockdown and there is far too much thinking time!
Hug to you Sarah.
A.

[Aaronsis]

Hi A

I read your message a few times as some things you wrote about anxiety and the way my mother may have been feeling or viewed the world I really had not thought about before, it was so helpful and by reading your message a few times it was like my eyes were open to some new perspective on her day and on her thinking and feeling. I always tried not to help her with logic, with trying to do things that I think and feel would work, but it always ended up that way and with me getting so frustrated and so deflated that she would not try, but as you say, she may have felt like she was standing in front of a huge brick wall and what a daunting thing to be not able to do a damn thing each day.

I actually went to see my brother yesterday for his birthday and we spent some time in clearing mum's room. It really just broke my heart to see the state of it and going through all the stuff and making bags to essentially throw away as things were is such bad shape. Dirty clothes mixed with clean ones, chocolate wrappers as far as the eye can see, pills on the floor that she had obviously dropped..just heartbreaking but I could not clean for her and she could not do it...what is the answer..I will never know!

Thank you A for thinking of my kids too, they have experienced a few of our dearest passing and it is alot for a child, however it is life and I have to be there if they need me, let them feel the pain too, let them know it is ok to talk about and to cry and to lose it and to not know how to feel sometimes. Parenting is a real journey that you find out new things all the time and things that you didn't really think about until they present themselves to you. My kids are pretty open and love a chat and I hope this will see them well in the future with sharing things that may bother or upset them, even the good stuff too.

It is very interesting about other nationalities and religion and how all sorts of things come in to play with how we hold ourselves each day. It is such a shame that we do accept people laughing and smiling and being happy and welcome it, yet crying and feeling pain is an emotion too and yet it is treated with negativity and shame. I hope that as we move on in life and have more acceptance around ill mental health that we can treat depression and anxiety with the same way we treat a headache, and just ask the person lovingly what they need.

It is so beautiful with the sun out and I am so happy to hear it has made you happy too.

Hugs to you

Sarah

[Curious77]

Hello Sarah,

I think I frustrate my mother with my negative thoughts as well. I think she just wants me to snap out of my negativity and start being positive and proactive instead of deflating myself and making day to day life difficult. I think she thinks that other people have it a lot more difficult than I do and everything that I am thinking is just water under the bridge and I just should move on. I think she thinks that my depressive thoughts are just a choice. It is hard for me to talk to her about my trauma and my triggers and how draining I find it and how difficult it is for me to feel happy at home especially with the lock down as I feel like I am frustrating her. I don't think she believes that a person needs to heal and move on with help from others after a bad experience to be mentally well and that you can't do it on your own. It is very hard to process thoughts on your own and you need the clearer mind of others when your feeling weak.
It really does sound like your mother was in a very dark place and my heart breaks for her. It sounds like she was in a daze in her mind unable to process her thoughts or move forward like being at the bottom of the ocean and every direction looks the same and chocolate might have been something that made her feel a bit better.
The brain can only deal with so much and you only have so much energy so the chocolate may have been an attempt to dull the pain or side track the mind for a bit because not seeing the point of doing anything or not knowing what to do is a lot more tiring then simply following a plan.
Hope you had a good weekend Sarah.
A.

[Aaronsis]

Good Morning A

From a mother's view point I understand totally her frustration, but not in the way that you think. As a mum you want nothing more than for your child to be happy, so I think when as a parent you do struggle to understand ill mental health you cannot understand why they "choose" to be this way. Now..you and I both know very well that this is NOT a choice and that you are trying more than anything to provide distraction, to search for joy and to mostly heal, but as you say, you cannot do this alone, you do need support, you do need to have someone to support you, not to judge you and you need to deal with the injustice and the abuse that was dealt to you. This is not something you just wake up and "decide" not to feel anymore, and self worth takes time to rebuild, so much time and love.

I think though that you see that your mother struggles with the notion of ill mental health and so you can perhaps choose what role she does play in your recovery and your journey. She loves you very much but she may not be the right person to provide you with your main supports that you need. Not because you don't love her and not because she does not love you, she does, she is just not equipped with the right tools to support you on this part of your journey, and you know what, that is fine. You have us and you have the support of your GP and you have other medical people on your team. It does hurt sometimes that the ones we need the most are not able to be there in the role we need them to be, but knowing this I believe is half the battle. We can then have a better relationship with them as we are not constantly angry or feeling let down that they are not doing "what we want them to". We no longer feel judged by them and this relieves alot of the strain in the relationship.

If you want to help your mum understand though you could write her a letter telling her how you feel and what you are doing and that you need her to do xxx and you want her to say xxx and not say xxx this may help her also, however, as I said earlier she may not be able to support you the way you need, and that is ok.

I think you are doing a wonderful job A and you are putting so many good things in place to move through this time in your life, an as you say at a time when we are really struggling in Melbourne, it is really tough on top of a normally hard day to have the extra pressure of isolation.

Know we are here, I am always here for you to chat to.

Hugs my friend

Sarah