Feeling anxious about home

[Curious77]

Hello all,

I thought I would give these forums a try because I feel anxious every time I go home because I have come to the conclusion that my father is psychologically abusing me, continually harassing me and lying to me and not allowing me peace in general by trying to get me upset all the time. I am on a low income and I do not think too well because I stress out easily and feel overwhelmed by it all. I do not know how to get myself out of this and I do not have any close friends or family because of my father's behaviour and my own low self esteem and feelings of worthlessness. I can not remember the last time I was happy to be alive and connected to the world around me and I would like that to change.

[Curious77]

Hello Sarah
The coffee and going around the shops sounds like a great way to enjoy your friends company and engage in a bit of creative thinking. When you look around at things it gets your imagination going about your home and your clothes and what new things you could do or new layout ideas and you end up forgetting about other things especially when your with somebody that you really get along with well.
Ever since I went to the psychologists I have been spending a lot of time thinking about how badly I deal with stress. I have been thinking back to times where things have just sprung up on me my initial reaction has not been to think and come up with a plan but to act as quickly as I can to get away from the stress but it ends up working out bad. I seem to find stress so uncomfortable that I just act spontaneously because I cannot just sit with that stressed feeling. It is like being in an uncomfortable conversation and not working on it and walking away. I probably should tell the psychologist that I need to come up with a way to feel more composed rather then let things overwhelm me. It would probably help me socially too if I was able to deal with nervousness as that causes me to run away as well instead of work through it. Lots of things to work on in terms of stress management I think.
Thanks for listening Sarah
A.

[Aaronsis]

Hi A

I did have a wonderful time walking around the shops, as you said, just looking at the clothes, observing other people, just casually wandering and being able to just not have to think about too much, it does do my mental health wonders, and then there are those added bonuses of the little massage places that I love too.

Stress management is a good one to address and there are some things that I do when I feel like I have too many things on my plate and can deal with them all so I write a list, of all the things that are worrying me or causing me to feel bad or things that are coming up that might worry me, then I put down a solution next to it or a date as to when that will be done with for example if it is a bill or the likes. When it is all down in front of me I can see it all clearly and think about each one at a time, when you put a comment or a point or a solution next to it it makes it seem less of a problem, then you use the list to remind yourself that you have got things under control, it also act as a reminder if you have tasks on there to complete and as you cross things off as they become completed or done or you no longer have to think of them it is a wonderful feeling. Do you think that this is something that might work for you?

Feeling nervous in social situations is not something I have ever experienced as I am a huge extrovert, however I think the more situations that you slowly introduce yourself to and expose yourself to the courage to contribute to the conversation or just be able to be in the conversation and not contribute will feel easier. You don't always have to be funny or think of something witty to say, just by repeating what someone has suggested or said can sometimes be a way to include yourself in a conversation but without the pressure of having to "freak out" about saying the wrong thing or what to say or what will people think. I am not sure if I am on track here but you can let me know if you think that this feels comfortable for you and like something that might work.

Have you got anything planned for the weekend?

I met a friend last night for dinner and we had a huge bowl of Pho and it was the best, it has really made me feel happy, and seeing my friend too.

Hugs to you A

Sarah

[Curious77]

Hello Sarah,

I am pleased that you have had a number of outings during the week and now you can spend the weekend to unwind and do little things at home that you enjoy. I am sure they added a spring to your step and made you feel good.
Your suggestions about stress management makes a lot of sense because a list becomes like a step up step guide to work through something and it allows you to remember things that need to happen if you have a bad memory like I do. It is also something that you don't need to rush and you can rework it and you can come back to it when something occurs to you. Most stress comes from not having a plan of attack or not being familiar with something and the rest of it from a lack of self confidence or motivation but listing and problem solving would certainly help.
In social situations when your are nervous your mind doesn't think well anyway so your worried about saying something silly or inappropriate so it would help to acknowledge what the other person is saying rather than trying to think up something yourself so your advice is good I think and gives you some thing to concentrate on instead of your nervousness. The other person would also feel listened to which is also good.
Thanks for listening Sarah and have a good weekend.
A.

[Aaronsis]

Hey A

I am really glad that you like the idea of a list, it does sometimes come out like a list of "all the things I have to worry about", however it is like once you have written it down and thought about it and considered how it will be resolved it is like "great, I have worried about that now I can move on", well at least that is how it feels for me. It does give me peace and as you say, it does act as a reminder, a list of things to do maybe and also when you come back to the list at another time, you may feel like the issue doesn't need to be on there anymore so you can cross it off, that feels so good too. But to me it does act like a note so as I know the "worry" is taken care of, I haven't missed anything and that I can get on with my day. I will be interested to see if you take it up and if it gives you the same level of peace it does for me.

Being in conversations is hard if you struggle with what to say so I hope that this little trick will at the very least relieve some of the anxiety about "what to say" and "how to contribute", you can merely feed off what others say and rephrase it, reword it, and then in time you might find that you are starting to feel somewhat more comfortable to even contribute a feeling or an opinion of your own, it may even happen and you have not realized it...and don't feel like you have to comment on everything, just word here or there will make a big difference to how you are feeling I think, do you?

Well I am happy to see the sun this morning, I am off to footy training this morning with my daughter, it is her first training back this year so she is super excited to be back with her team. I have to stay in the car but I am quietly happy about that as I will have the heater on and a coffee..lol

Hope you are having a good weekend my friend and chat soon

Hugs to you A

Sarah xx

[Curious77]

Hello Sarah,

Lock down must be such a shock for children over the last 3 months because they have not been able to enjoy every day activities with their mates and the things that they enjoy especially with all that energy and enthusiasm that they have. I could imagine your daughter feels alive again now that footy is back.
I have noticed over the weekend that when you write lists of things that cause you problems it doesn't seem like such a big problem but when your just thinking about things and you start remembering things about the past and it just snowballs into a huge problem and you start panicking so maybe the real benefit of lists is to concentrate the mind rather than letting your fears and imagination run wild.
It is probably the same with socialising and thinking about it and your imagination and fears make you panic so when the time comes to socialise your in fear and unable to relax so maybe concentrating the mind is the order of the day as well. Maybe in life you just need to be methodical so that your fears don't over take you and cause you to run from stressful situations and end up miserable all the time.
Nice chatting with you as always Sarah
A.

[Aaronsis]

Good Morning A

What a wonderful message from you...the answer is YES....that is absolutely right and you have discovered the key to the list, brilliant. What you have said is exactly true, the list becomes a task, an activity to complete, like wash the towel, do it, hang it out, completed task. Sometimes when we can do this with our thoughts and worries we treat them as a task, address it and hopefully move on after the task has been completed, or in this situation the worry has been "worried about". It can really remove the emotion, the overthinking, the procrastinating, the building of one worry creating another worry. This realization A also goes to my point of how very in touch you are with your thoughts and with your feelings and this really is so wonderful.

I am reading a book at the moment and it is by a young woman who tried many times to take her life and her journey to wellness, she talks about the effect that your childhood has on you, of course, but that your core beliefs, what you whole heartedly believe to be true about you, can be changed, things like I am unloveable, I am not worth it, all these things that a traumatic childhood can create in a person. I am wondering if your core beliefs are something you can think about A. I hope that then this might be something you can chat with your therapist about and to get some help with addressing, of course I am here to help you with that too.

I cannot say enough how strong I think you are A, and I feel so grateful to be part of this healing journey with you to watch you find out who A is, that he had trauma in his life, that with help he realized that this was not who he was but what had happened to him and that he now has a wonderful journey ahead to find out who he is, but mostly that he is loved, people care very much about you A, I care and I am so very proud of you.

You are right about the kids, they are really enjoying being back at school with their friends and also being back at sports too, while footy training was a little different, it was good to see them all out there running and connecting.

Have a wonderful day my friend.

Hugs

Sarah

[Curious77]

Hello Sarah,

Thank you so much for your kind words about the way that I think and the journey that I am on and that you have faith in me to go through the journey and not collapse and give up. It certainly is a roller coaster of a journey and you don't even know what thoughts are going to pop up through out the course of the day in your mind or whether your going to be happy or sad from one moment to the next,
The book that you are reading about that woman and her healing journey sounds like a real eye opener of a book. It is good that she was able to overcome a tendency to reinforce her core beliefs as can easily happen because when things happen you can easily use it to back up your thoughts on yourself. You can easily just brush off any good things that can happen in life as momentary or you can look at something good happening and thinking that it is too good to be true and expect it to collapse as always and that it is not your destiny to lead a happy life. It can cause you to not have any motivation to go after any thing or to try anything because you don't believe that you are good enough so good on her for being able to get past all the negative thoughts that she built up in her childhood and had the strength to over come it all but it sounds like she had some luck that the journey did not end along the way.
Thanks for your support as always Sarah.
A.

[Aaronsis]

Hi A

You are very right in what you say about trying to keep the good things at bay as you don't want to have expectations to lead you to disappointment and to being let down. This is actually what she addresses in her story that once she did really accept that the people in her life did love her, where not going anywhere and that they did want the best for her and could see a future for her she really did start to hope, to plan a future and to accept the good things in her life. She never celebrated a birthday and did not want to as the thought of no one coming or being let down was too much so it was easier to just ignore it. Once those core beliefs that you are not worthy of love or that you are not capable of loving are truly addressed, that you can see that the reason you come to feel like this is that is how you were taught as a child, as a child you only know what your parents show you, and take it as fact, it is hard to rearrange this thoughts to know that how, as a child were you to know this was not the way, this was not how love is..you were not. So it does take some coaching and some real work to know that you are worthy, that you are loving and that you will have good relationships in the future, that people do care and we are here because we care, not because we "have to be" or because "we feel sorry for you".....

I think about what you said often, even about the coffee lady telling you how happy your face is and what a great smile you have. These are the small things that will build your confidence in you. Even though inside you are not feeling that way you are making choices to smile, she had no reason what so ever to lie to you or to make up any of that stuff she said, so take her compliment and know that it is true. Just as being told often enough the negatives are your reality, it is time know to consider the positives and let them be your core beliefs, that you are a wonderful and lovable person A.

I am off to make some bolognaise as my friend is coming for dinner, it is a new recipe so I have no idea how it is going to go but it has milk in it!!!

Hugs to you my friend

Sarah

[Curious77]

Hello Sarah,

You are so right about core beliefs and how they affect the way that you behave and the decisions that you make. When your a child your not even in a position to be able to judge behaviour or analyse the way people behaviour. You effectively just absorb other people's behaviour towards you and build up ideas about whether you are a welcome arrival into the family or not and the conditions under which your welcome. If you feel welcome and loved then all is good but if you don't then you go into survival mode by coming up with ways to stop people to mistreat you or make you feel bad about yourself or punish you. You become reactive to your environment and hide your personality and thoughts and desires because you don't believe that the outcome will be good. This means that you can't learn and grow and become the person that your meant to be or develop your personality or creativity because you don't believe that you are accepted as you are. This makes it hard to make friends because your not comfortable with who are and not being liked so it doesn't make for a very resilient person when things go wrong with other people and reinforces the ideas in your head about yourself. Such a hard road unpicking all of those core beliefs.
It was random how when I was reading your post I remembered how when a girl was leaving the coffee shop to go back to France because she finished studying here, she gave me a card saying how lovely my smile was on dark winter mornings
Hope that bolognaise was nice Sarah.
A.

[Aaronsis]

Hi A

Once again apologies for the late reply, what a huge crazy week it has been and it is only Tuesday...lol.

I hope that you are doing ok this week, I really enjoy reading your reflections on how you are feeling and what you are experiencing and the journey that you are on. I know I have said this before but your emotional intelligence is so very inspiring and you do know so very much about your past and the behaviours that have been taught to you and done to you. I really believe this is partly why you are doing so well as you can see that even though you were a child and you had nothing else to compare life to and that you trust adults and you do take things as truth, you also know that these things can be undone, in time, with support and that you do not own this traumas in your life and you are not responsible for them.

That is so very lovely that the girl at the coffee shop gave you a card with those beautiful words, that must have really warmed your heart A, that is a real testament to your good nature and warm and happy face, even though inside you are feeling quite different. You are trying and this is awesome.

My bolognaise sauce was so good, I am actually going to make some more tomorrow as I have to make a huge lasagne as it is my son's birthday on Friday, his party got cancelled due to the new restrictions in place so we will have a small family dinner instead, he is really sad about that....poor kid!

Hope this note finds you well A and that this week is going well for you.

Chat really soon

Hugs

Sarah