When I was 18, a man 20 years older than me coerced me into a
relationship. He was a family friend and I worked for him. I told myself
it was what I wanted, that I said yes, that it was my choice, my
responsibility. I told myself that it wasn’t that ...
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When I was 18, a man 20 years older than me coerced me into a
relationship. He was a family friend and I worked for him. I told myself
it was what I wanted, that I said yes, that it was my choice, my
responsibility. I told myself that it wasn’t that bad because he never
hit me. I told myself that even if it was bad, I deserved it because I
was a terrible person/partner/mother. I felt no attachment to my child
but I took her and left anyway because nothing changed and I couldn’t
take the constant barrage of lectures, insults, questioning,
interrogating, accusations, gaslighting. I felt crazy. I left and told
myself it wasn’t bad and that it didn’t affect me at all. Well, nobody
would be surprised to hear it affected me. It affected me so badly that
the older I got the angrier I became, but I had no idea why I was angry.
Or why I felt broken, hopeless, trapped with no escape. I’ve been
married for years to a wonderful man who lifts me up instead of tearing
me down and I found myself screaming at him for the slightest thing.
Then I started remembering where I learned that behaviour. I remembered
how it felt. It almost broke me. So many things make sense now. My
anger. My fear. My hurt. I’m so ashamed. I feel disgusting. I feel all
of the feelings now that I didn’t feel then. I shut down to survive - I
was numb for over a decade. Now it’s like it happened yesterday. I was
sexually assaulted by this man, this predator. I was coerced and
manipulated and guilt tripped and threatened until I gave in. I remember
thinking no so many times when I felt like I had to say yes. I had to
say yes to the sex, to him getting me pregnant, so that he would leave
me alone. So that he would stop yelling at me, or giving me the cold
shoulder, or taking my medication away. I had to do whatever I could to
survive. For a long time when I looked in the mirror I didn’t recognise
myself. Now I do but I see that scared 19 year old again - and while I’m
getting a part of myself back it’s a part I don’t want. I don’t want her
shame, her guilt, her fear. I felt it anyway but now I know what it is,
it doesn’t help. I am still trapped, because this man is the father of
my daughter, and she loves her dad. She’s a teenager now, not far off
the age I was. I know I need to protect her but sometimes I feel as
violated by her as I was by him. He ruined my life then and he’s still
doing it now. I can’t even let my husband touch me because I feel so
ashamed. I will never escape.
PTSD for Medical and First Responders
