Living with Borderline Personality Disorder

[lookingforme]

I had absolutely no idea where to put this post, but considering I already have the depressive disorder, I'd put it here. I have just today been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder on top of the depression, does anyone on here have it and is able to summarise it? I don't quite know how to explain it to people other than by listing symptoms, which I don't really want to do. And you know that old saying, if you can't explain it simply enough, you don't truly understand it. It's a strange label.

Suffice it to say that I haven't been having a good time of it lately, and this diagnosis makes me half relieved and half unknowing, which I don't much care for. I just know it's something I will have to work at to manage, and stress aggravates it, and right now, I am nothing but stressed,

Any help is appreciated.

Joelle

[lookingforme]

Hey James...you're right, not so great. In hindsight, I'm sorry I haven't been around for you. So, the offer to share is the same. I'll probably be silent for a bit. There's just too much to say, to say it, you know?

[james1]

Yeah I know the feeling. Like there's too much to handle, that talking would just tip it over even more.

Take care, I'm thinking of you.

Hugs

James

[lookingforme]

Yea, exactly that. Thanks James. I haven't stopped thinking of you, just struggling to be me.

Joelle

[james1]

Take your time Joelle. I understand that you're finding it really tough at the moment.

Of course, I'll be around when you do feel like posting back.

[Petra]

Hi Cheeky and James

I'm here too. Sometimes you just need to pull yourself up for a bit to 'just be'.

Hugs and kisses. xxoo

[lookingforme]

Hey Pet and James, thanks for being around, and being concerned. Pet, I'm really loving Puddles. Such a look of curiosity on his face.

James, I've been thinking about how I've been feeling. And for a while now...there's only been an image that comes to mind. I may try to draw it, but I thought I would describe it. I don't have much of a connection to the feelings today, but, this image remains.

It's the picture of a bare tree. It's crooked and bending but it's old, with large roots that go deep into the ground. It is on a small island, surrounded by water, but just off centre. There is no sun, but it you can see its affects through the dense clouds that take over the sky - the brightness shows through the top of each cloud will the bases are dark and rolling. The water around the island is rippling; breaking the image of the island, the tree and the sky into a sort of mosaic. Making recognizable images but, disconnected, and disjointed and discontinuous. All of this is in grayscale.

Now, take that image and turn it upside down, so what you look at as upright is the rippled and broken image, and its reflection is continuous version. This is how I feel; what my reality feels like - broken and disjointed, staring at a reflection that is whole but isn't like me, is more recognizable than I feel.

I don't know if that made sense at all...

[james1]

Pet, is that your duck? 🙂

Hey Joelle, so glad to hear from you.

That's a really evocative image. I...don't know what to say 😕 I guess all I can say is I get it. Maybe in a different way, but I get it.

I've also been struggling recently just with how I feel and like you, "I don't have much of a connection to the feelings today". I wrote to someone else that I'd "shut down" and I've been writing poems rather than trying to make much sense, so I think that's what I mean by I get it. Maybe not what you're feeling, but how. Now that just sounds silly, haha.

I'm not sure what to say...but here's a poem I wrote which your image reminded me of:

Shattered Smile

These lips tear open a gaping black hole;
it claws and crushes like a vice -
curved in a smile, and pinned by despair.

And crevices, cut and etched into stone
beside snake eyes that glitter with want;
reaching for your touch, a taste of fire,
but devour only my empty screams.

Stop.

Caress the cavity within.

My pain is this smile I’ve carved for you.

[lookingforme]

James,

Your poem is beautiful. Thanks for sharing it. I can't explain to you why but it resonates with me. So, I get you saying that you get it.

A fine pair we are, feeling but not connected to it. I'm glad someone gets it.

[Petra]

Hello Cheeky and James

You describe these feelings so well, I believe I can see them. Good to see you back and chatting.

This is my duckling 'Paddles'. A rescue duckling. All our animals have a story. Somehow we end up with the animals others don't want for various reasons etc. Paddles is helping us as much as we are helping him though. A good distraction for hubby who is weighed down by his PTSD somewhat at this time. The Universe provides in funny ways don't you think?

Always in my thoughts.

Pet 😊 xx

[spunkyturtle]

I'm scared I have BPD, I remember asking my psychologist and we went through the criteria, she basically said no because I don't self harm, although I later read that self harm is a large indicator, some people don't do it. I had other indicators, excessive spending, unstable relationships, unclear or unstable self image, impulsive self destructive behaviours, explosive anger, chronic feelings of emptiness and extreme emotional swings.

Im going to ask my psychiatrist tomorrow. I've felt like an alien so long like I don't fit in, I'd started to wonder if this is me.