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Living with Borderline Personality Disorder

lookingforme
Community Member

I had absolutely no idea where to put this post, but considering I already have the depressive disorder, I'd put it here. I have just today been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder on top of the depression, does anyone on here have it and is able to summarise it? I don't quite know how to explain it to people other than by listing symptoms, which I don't really want to do. And you know that old saying, if you can't explain it simply enough, you don't truly understand it. It's a strange label.

Suffice it to say that I haven't been having a good time of it lately, and this diagnosis makes me half relieved and half unknowing, which I don't much care for. I just know it's something I will have to work at to manage, and stress aggravates it, and right now, I am nothing but stressed,

Any help is appreciated.

Joelle

168 Replies 168

Hello James and Joelle,

Feeling a bit better now, thanks for your words. I believe that I crave physical contact because my parents were quite cold when I was growing up. Funny thing is now mum tries to hug me or pat me and I absolutely hate it. This goes for being touched by all immediate family members, makes me extremely uncomfortable. Childish, but I have to immediately wipe my hands on my clothes. Is it physical comfort from everyone, or just people you aren't super close with? Of course I am picky about who is touching me, but mostly just not strangers or family members.

I read through your other post and you've expressed a few points there. How have things been going? Have you made headway on your list?

The thing that set me off the other night was silly, just having parking issues as I'm house sitting for my sister in law at the moment. I've also been trying to reach out to my ex- and I think I remember you posting somewhere that you had done the same, but in a closing manner? Correct me if I'm wrong. And just generally feeling isolated and alone, and needing some comfort.

I think I kind of get what you're saying Joelle, but for me it's much simpler. I need a hug, dammit! Shower me with love. Then leave me alone. Hahahaha. But it does sound like one of the common issues with BPD, the concept of existence. I have kind of been noticing that I'll 'pop' into my own awareness like I've mentioned before and I am only realising now how odd that is.

It does feel like a world/life of mere slithers of happiness/good times, filled with a lot more negative. I feel like I hold on to the past a lot, because that's when my happiest memories were.

Something happy to report is I did my first wing chun belt grading today, and am no longer a white belt noob! Hooray!

xmin

Hey xmin,

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better. I feel the same way about my family and contact. My skin physically crawls when mum tries to touch me in anyway. I literally cower and try to disappear when I see her coming. Yea, I let people who I trust have physical contact with me. But not strangers and immediate family. Maybe a couple of cousins. You put it very well, sometimes you just need a hug dammit!

Yes, I call into question my existence, everybody else's existence, the connection between us. And what is real. I hallucinate at times and it is more in question now than in before.

It does feel like these fleeting moments. I don't think I have too many happy memories. Not since I was younger than 4 haha. I don't know, I don't fully understand the notion of being happy, what is good enough?

Hey, congratulations!

Joelle

BKim
Community Member

Hi there!
I've been diagnosed with BPD but was told to keep it hush when receiving medical care because there's a HUGE stigma against it and medical staff often think we're just attention seeking.
I explain it as having 3rd degree burns all over - everything is heightened and painful. And like having no control over my actions sometimes - my hands act while i watch. it's like watching a movie and screaming at the actor not to do something even though you know they can't hear you. And i'm needy and attention seeking. I need constant reassurance and confirmation.
BPD is really difficult and uncurable. but we can all learn tools to deal with the symptoms. distress tolerance is good. ACT is too. i hate CBT but i do use the mindfulness techniques on occasion!

We can survive this.

james1
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hey BKim,

Welcome to the thread.

Yes, the awareness of what we're doing totally sucks because it can lead to really strong self-hatred. But accepting that a lot of how we act is due to the way we were brought up can help.

I think what you said about needing constant reassurance speaks very true to me. But I also separate it from when people think they're listening, but in fact they're not listening and are just giving generic advice which makes me angry. Otherwise, it's like I need to be constantly told that people are not being silent because they are angry at me, but simply because they're busy but they'll talk to me later. I am so bad at waiting for people to reply!

My psychologist started with schema therapy with me then shifted to DBT. Are you still seeing your doctors?

James

BKim
Community Member

hey James1

yeah seeing a few people still. no more focussed therapy though. it's all just free talking. mainly learning to identify emotions and triggers and learning how to cope. most days im totally on top of it, it;s just some days i absolutely cant!

Hello everyone!

Oh thank goodness you understand Joelle, I've never met anyone who had the same skin crawling upon contact thing.

I only realised recently too that I don't have a bunch of happy memories. I definitely have memories and we were an active family, but there's no link of happiness at all, which is strange.

Thanks!

Hello BKim, I've also heard about the stigma towards BPD, it's a little worrying to me. I haven't really mentioned it to anyone, but I'm more open with my depression/anxiety. The burns all over your body analogy is a common one I think. Definitely with you there on the constant reassurance and confirmation. It's never ever enough that I think I did ok, I need someone else to repeatedly tell me so. Which I can imagine would be quite annoying on the other end =P. I'm going to attribute it to my upbringing, not a whole lot of love/praise there. Not good for the self esteem. The thing that pisses me off is the phrase 'you never know'. It somehow makes me feel like they're challenging me, and I'm too weak and uncertain for it not to bother me. I'm pretty bad at that too James, but I feel like I'm slowly developing that wise mind that tries to reason with my not so wise mind.

Good to see you dropping in here BKim, hope you have more good days 😃

james1
Community Champion
Community Champion
Ah, yes it's good that you're still seeing them to help you along. It sounds like you're in a better position than before, but it still sucks. Can I ask how long you've been going? I've only been at my psychologist for...~4 months now so it feels like I have ages to go.

Hope_love
Community Member

I'm new here and not sure if I place this post in the right spot.

Im here to ask for advise on how to convince my fiancé of almost 4 years to seek help for what I suspect is narcissistic personality disorder. We have had a very turbulent relationship and my relationships with my daughters have suffered immensely due to my fiancé raging and unpredictable anger, put down and humiliation of me in front of my daughters, family, friends and in public. He also tends to use emotional abuse to control me such as telling me I am worthless as a woman because I've had my uterus removed and now I can't conceive (I'm 46, he's 55 and none of us want children anyway) and he says it feels like Grand Canyon. This is just one of multiple things he says.

That said I wouldn't still be with him if not because I love him and appreciate all the other great qualities he has. I just can't seem to make him acknowledge that he is the problem and needs help. I hope someone here can give me advice because I am at my last straw and will soon end it if he doesn't seek help. All my family and friends have begged and advised me to leave him long ago. I'm still hopeful and will stick by him if he gets help and works on his issues.

xmin
Community Member
Hi Hope,

There might be a better place for you to post your query, but I'll add my personal bit here anyway. My brother has NPD and I read up a little about it- your story sounds very familiar as I've watched my sister in law with similar struggles. From what I've read, NPD is a tricky one. Convincing them they need help is a big struggle- some people who have NPD don't see it as a problem. And even if they do seek help apparently it is a long and hard struggle. It must be very hard and isolating for you. I mean, on the one hand you have not much to lose at this point, and it would hopefully only get better. On the other hand, it would be a long hard slog for the both of you. It's pretty sad to hear that your relationships with other loved ones have suffered.

So, since you're at a point where you will stick by him on the condition that he makes some improvements, perhaps you could set some concrete goals? Hopefully there's a suitable therapist out there to help things along. You could give a deadline by which he must attend a therapy session? I mean, you can't force him to go in with an open mind, but at least it's a good gesture. May I ask if you're personally seeing a professional for your own issues? An unbiased third party could help you see things more clearly.

The most important thing here is your personal health and safety. Honestly, you really need to put yourself and your needs and wants forward. I hear that you love your fiancé dearly and would love to resolve things, but it has to be a two way street, and it's already taken a toll on you personally and your surroundings. Please keep me updated on how you do.