I've had enough of being a nobody -just need to vent

[Lee lee 73]

I know what I feel but struggle to find the words.

I've had clinical depression for 10yrs. Numerous suicide attempts and hospitalisations.

I think about suicide every single day. Can't remember a day where I haven't. Everyday I wish I was dead and to miraculously not wake up. My family are toxic, I've never had a loving relationship, never felt mutually cared for or loved, never been proposed to, never married, never had kids. As a woman i feel embarrassed and ashamed of this. Feel ostracized because of this and so struggle to have things in common to form strong female friendship. My only support network is my psychologist but after5yrs of therapy I'm done talking. Done sounding like a broken record.

Yes, I know I dwell on what I don't have but this has not always been the case. I triedd and tried and tried. I'm sick of hesrinf my own thoughts 24/7 year after year. I've had enough. No one really knows what it's like to live totally alone year after year. I can't help but dwell on this. It's not natural to not have been loved, it's not what being human is about, I'm not human. I'm a nobody.

[Lee lee 73]

therising,

Thank you for your thoughts and sharing your experiences. I will write more soon.

Thanking you,

Lee

[Lee lee 73]

Hello Paul,

Thank you for your post, I truly appreciate it. I would like to write more soon, - I hope that is ok?

Thanks again.

Lee

[Lee lee 73]

Hello lovely Grandy,

How are you? RUOK?

How was your Tuesday Grandy? I do hope it went ok. Thank you again for popping in the other night, for sitting with me and lending me your shoulder. I'm not use to hearing such kindness Grandy so please forgive me if I don't respond how I should -So sorry beautiful lady. Sometimes it takes a bit to sink in. I'm guessing you maybe the same.

What have you been thinking and feeling beautiful? How is your appetite Grandy, are you eating much? It is very hard to I know 😓.

I hope you are able to sleep tonight lovely - sometimes some food in our belly does help. I wish for real I could sit with you my dear Grandy, make you a cuppa. You can get through this Grandy because you are a gorgeous person and the rest of the world needs to know how beautiful you are. Grandy I know this may seem like an odd question, is there something specific we can do to help you get through this? - what do you need the most?? I guess I'm asking so I know the best way to support you. I hope this makes sense...!

Goodnight beautiful Grandy. Thank you for your words, they always warm my heart.

Sending you sleepy vibes 😴😴😴 and big warm hugs 🤗🤗🤗🤗 🐶🐶🐺🌼🌹

Lee

[Ggrand]

Hello lovely Lee,

Im okay Lee, bit sore but okay...I have so much trouble accepting compliments, they don’t seem to belong to me, but I’m learning to accept them, still sometimes I dont know how to respond or what to say and need to go away from that post for a few hours.. your responding beautifully, dear friend, it takes time....but Lee the words I speak is the truth.

Sometimes it’s hard to explain but different people click more then others . If you know what I mean..umm I seemed drawn to you from your first post....hard to explain...

How are you sleeping? and how was your day..I sense that you are not doing to well these last couple of days....Remember sweetheart that you are liked/loved and cared for here on these forums by me and others....I’m always here 👀 watching out for you and also have a ready 👂 to listen if you need to talk....and well.... you have already captured my 💓 so I’m always here with love and care for you beautiful Lee...

You asked what you can do here to help me...your already doing it, just being here and talking, supporting, caring is all I need....I never had any of that until I came here... Now here is very important to me and so are the beautiful friends here that I care about and love.....You have a really beautiful soul Lee, I hear it in your words...

I would be honoured to make you a pot of tea and bake a double layer chocolate 🍰 cake, with chocolate cream in the middle...oh yes..maybe with strawberries on top...Oh and some whipped cream....oh and some chocolate sprinkles on top...🤗😚💛..ummm I think you might have guessed I loooove 💓 chocolate and strawberries....🍓

I hope your doing okay Lee, Please sweetheart if your struggling I would like to know to support you...You are someone special in my life now and I want only the best for you....

I hope you and your gorgeous puddy tat 🐯 sleep good tonight all cuddled up together, and tomorrow is a good day for you both..

Love and hugs..💜🤗..

Grandy...

[Lee lee 73]

Hi Paul,

Thanks so much for your post. I've read your responses on other people's threads. You come across as someone who is honest and down to earth -it's very refreshing. I feel privileged.

I'm so sorry to hear of your struggle Paul. Here I was thinking 10yrs with depression was long.....! After being on this forum I now realise there is no time frame to heal - despite previously having being told depression is curable. Manageable. ..yes....Sometimes. ..

Does that mean SSRI'S work for you Paul? I've been on a few different classes and sometimes a mix of both. I guess it all comes down to the individual doesn't it.

You are strong too Paul. Everyone I have met here is. Thanks so much for welcoming me Paul. It put another smile on my face.

Wishing you happy thoughts Paul.

Lee

[Lee lee 73]

Hello therising,

How are you, how are things?

Please accept my apologies for not writing sooner.....

I never really looked at disappointment as being an emotion - to me its just there..not an emotion, thought or feeling...… Both words, Evolution and disappointment are definitely powerful. It's interesting when you said your counsellor was only able to take you so far. Maybe that's why I'm feeling the way I am - in regards to my own psychologist I mean. I'm thinking about the group therapy more and more. Once I finish the clinical trial, I may consider it....hopefully it will be ok with work and my finances to take time off for it.

Thank you therising - I do hope you are keeping well.

Warmest wishes always

Lee

P.S keep dropping in to say 'hi'

[Lee lee 73]

Hello lovely Grandy,

Thank you for your post and for taking the time....

You have a special place in my heart too Grandy. I understand what you mean about connections...sometimes you just click with that someone (can I just sneak in here --- this is the case when looking for a psychologist - looking is the hardest part because we need to find that connection so we can get the response we need, in return - sorry, I just had to slip that in before it left my head). Anyway, getting back to connections with friends - I feel you understand me Grandy, you get me - I feel you're the only person that does (besides my psych on the outside). Because of this I feel the truth in your words, they are not just words. I care for you very much Grandy and I soooo want you to be happy within yourself because you are so worth it. Look at how many friends you have dear Grandy, you have lifted so many people. I see it in your responses to others. You have a friend in me too lovely lady (heart, heart, heart...emojis)

I think this clinical trial is starting to take its toll on me mentally and physically. I have headaches almost constantly (hence why I sometimes have to use my laptop instead of mobile)and very fatigued I was violently ill after todays treatment. On top of that, I'm 99.9% I am now peri - menopausal (sad,sad,sad emojis).
My heart hurts Grandy.... I don't see meds, therapy or anything ever fixing it. I'm sure the few people that know of my mental illness don't believe me....but it hurts so much on the inside. You just have to keep going.....for me, I don't have the courage to not. It is what it is I guess. All of us here are struggling...we just have to keep going, put one step in front of the other and make the most of those tiny good moments.

OMG Grandy, I loooove chocolate too- anything chocolate. I did buy some strawberries the other day, but you know for me, they always smell better than they taste. My dear Grandy, I would feel privileged for you to make me a cuppa and us, a double layered chocolate cake with cream and sprinkles ….yummmmmmmmmmm (tongue sticking out emoji).

I do hope you have been able to rest up today Grandy. Do you know, my house in Canberra had a man hole that would sometimes 'be open'. After a while I did realise it was from the wind.

I hope you are able to catch the sandman lovely Grandy...sending you sleepy thoughts, lots of warm hugs, a huge block of chocolate and a world of gratitude, love and care.

Warm Hugs always Grandy

Lee x

[Ggrand]

Hello Lovely Lee,

Thank you very much for your very kind heartfelt words...

Im very concerned for you and continuing the trials, please sweetheart your first, you must take care of you...It’s great that your doing the trails, do you get to see or speak to the other people doing the clinical trails as well?....I’m asking because if they don’t have headaches, or get violently sick, then this medication you are trialing doesn’t suite you. I mean is that this is my 4th lot of ADs I’m on because the others didn’t agree with my body....Please be very careful here..Please I’m very concerned about you..Does the clinic do follow up calls regularly? I’m sorry about all the questions just care for you..

Awwe sweetheart, I really hope they can fix you, it hurts doesn’t it, overwhelmingly sometimes...and I’m really sorry hun...it breaks my heart when I hear of your pain..Putting one step in front of the other, is really hard at times...A few times here I stopped putting that step forward, and well...Deebi, she talked to me and I stopped stopping and started putting that step forward again...I was so close .... I have as well as a few more labels...C-PTSD..and if I go down with a trigger, well Its unbelievable how far down that I get and I want to escape the hurt and pain I’m feeling..

Im so pleased you are a chocolate lover as well....I love strawberries dipped into melted chocolate, oh they are my favourite..I grew my own strawberries last year...like everything else I never done a good job, but I did get around a dozen or so and they are so much nicer then shop bought...I grow them in those foam rectangle containers..maybe that’s something you could try this year if you have a yard or balcony...

I am so honoured that we have met and are now friends..that means so very much to me Lee...💜🤗...I hope today is a good day for you Lee..Oh just in case you forget, you are a beautiful, warm-hearted, caring, compassionate and dear friend Lovely Lee....☺️😚..just a little reminder that you are a special person in my life and many others here as well...

much love and many hugs..💜🤗🤗🤗..

Grandy....

[Lee lee 73]

Hello Grandy,

I'm ok my dear good friend. Yeah, the mhn from the trial conducts follow up phone calls for 2 days after treatment days.

Please, you take good care too beautiful.

Talk soon lovely lady. Xx ooo

Lee (so sorry this is short 😞 )

[therising]

Hi Lee

Sorry to hear the trials are taking a toll on you. Agree with Grandy about being cautious and looking after yourself. If you do decide to pull out, remember what I mentioned about disappointment. Personally, I'd beaten myself up on several occasions in regard to being unsuccessful at giving up cigarettes until I reached the conclusion that I'd simply disappointed myself from the role of quitting. I'll appoint myself that role again when I'm ready. Yes, disappointment is simply about no longer participating in an appointment/an appointed role.

After reading of people's experiences in fighting depression, sometimes I wonder about the world of therapy and the strategies used. Imagine if people with depression and anxiety were taught certain aspects of psychology in therapy sessions, they would then be able to understand the impact of trauma and thought processing on their brains and bodies. Eg: This month's therapy sessions would involve understanding how neural networks form in the brain and what keeps them switched on. Now, let's work on consciously creating new networks. Next month's sessions: The impact of thought processing on a cellular level (the impact of chemistry on our overall system). Many folk seem to be attending sessions where the therapist gives strategies or meds without explaining exactly how they're designed to impact the brain and body. This tends to create a relationship of dependency as opposed to fully conscious self-healing.

I'm reading a great book at the moment called 'Becoming Supernatural' by Joe Dispenza (I have a few of his books). Whilst his writings cover topics like neuroscience, epigenetics (fascinating field) and quantum physics, he simplifies everything to become a unique take on mind/body/spirit. Whilst I'm far from genius regarding science and all that stuff, it really is such an easy to understand book full of incredible insight in regard to who we are and how we work.

Lee, I finally started a thread. It's in the 'Staying well' section and is entitled 'What skills were you taught when it comes to dealing with life's challenges?' It's one to getting people thinking. Most of us weren't taught a skill set, for sure, and we wonder why life is tough at times. Having come out the other side of depression, I can see clearly how I got into it and therefor teach my kids much in the way of maintaining good mental health. I encourage them to build on and reassess their identity regularly in a number of ways.

Take care Lee