I've had enough of being a nobody -just need to vent

[Lee lee 73]

I know what I feel but struggle to find the words.

I've had clinical depression for 10yrs. Numerous suicide attempts and hospitalisations.

I think about suicide every single day. Can't remember a day where I haven't. Everyday I wish I was dead and to miraculously not wake up. My family are toxic, I've never had a loving relationship, never felt mutually cared for or loved, never been proposed to, never married, never had kids. As a woman i feel embarrassed and ashamed of this. Feel ostracized because of this and so struggle to have things in common to form strong female friendship. My only support network is my psychologist but after5yrs of therapy I'm done talking. Done sounding like a broken record.

Yes, I know I dwell on what I don't have but this has not always been the case. I triedd and tried and tried. I'm sick of hesrinf my own thoughts 24/7 year after year. I've had enough. No one really knows what it's like to live totally alone year after year. I can't help but dwell on this. It's not natural to not have been loved, it's not what being human is about, I'm not human. I'm a nobody.

[Lee lee 73]

Hello lovely Grandy,

So sorry, I know you have so much going on. No need to reply again beautiful lady as your words have comforted me . I do hope you are ok.

Big warm hugs, sleep well

Lee xxx

[Ggrand]

Hello Lee,

Im sorry I had to stop, I’m okay now...I’ll start again...

The dreadful roller coaster, I think it’s a part of our journey to wellness...

Lee, please darling, don’t ever give up, I believe the ups of the roller coaster get longer each time and eventually we will be up the top 24/7.. I believe this, it might take some time, but so worth it when it happens..

I never felt my mum or dads arms around me, or the words I love you..and that is so very sad and still hurts badly today, my parents and eldest brother were narcissistic, I was unwanted and was told so..., I felt like I was an intruder in my parent home when I was living there..... I read somewhere that we get our self esteem of other people especially our parents when growing up...as we get older our self esteem needs building up by others around us

Do you go out with friends or acquaintances for a cuppa or drink sometimes. The elderly people you care for do you chat to them, I can imagine how much they look forward to seeing you lee, a special and caring somebody....

Lee. Sweetheart .You are a somebody, a someone, a person, you help people here, I’ve read some posts you have posted to others, you have helped me as well with your caring words..I care for you Lee.... you make a difference to here...you are Lee lee and you are very cared for and liked/ loved here...Please believe me..

I done a lot of research on our thoughts with depression, i really think you might find it interesting and it just might help you....I wrote up my research in Deebi’s thread called ....”Understanding depression to beat it “...on the last page I think the date is 31 may Starts my research. There’s not much reading , but I feel that it might be able to help you a little knowing the 4 stages that our thought process goes through before our depression gets a stronghold of us and takes over our thoughts...I can manage to catch my thoughts before I get to number 4..the stronghold...Maybe Lee If you feel like it, you don’t have to read it...no only if you feel to... it just might help a little bit... on the top right hand corner this page is a search box just type the thread title and like Magic it will appear....

Lee please be kind to yourself, treat yourself gently and be very kind to yourself...You have people here who care for a lovely person called Lee...💜🌹..I’m one of those people 🕊👼..

Im sorry it’s such a long post..

Love and soul touching hugs...💜🤗..

Grandy...

[Lee lee 73]

Hello dearest Grandy,

Thank you so much for your post Grandy - you always warm my soul. Your words come from your heart. You know exactly what to say to help us here Grandy because they are words you long to hear yourself. thank you also for sharing how your family are, with me. I'm slowly getting through your thread so I apologise if you had to repeat it.

Do you know what I just thought writing this.???....if only we got everyone here on BB to move and live to the same suburb. ...what a beautiful caring and compassionate community we would live in. I know for sure I would love to live/work in that community! !

Grandy, I liked what you said about our self esteem......do you know what, since I made the decision to not speak to my family (one i feel guilty about every day ), my self esteem has improved not a lot but I guess I realised I don't know have to put up with them rubbishing me.....it makes sense now.

I will have a read of what you have researched Grandy. Thank you. I guess our thought process is one issue I butted heads with my psych (the only issue ) and that was that my thoughts are facts not just thoughts . Maybe I just needto hear it from here...to allow it to sinķ in.

Grandy, I have made two friends since moving here. They are male friends. .(and only friends ). I make the most of their friendship 'on my good days'. We meet out for a coffee but I almost always come home feeling deflated, for numerous reasons ., it's the same thing with all of us with mental health issues. ..those that don't have it don't know what to say so they say nothing and avoid you from then on....

Thank you again for your beautiful kind caring words Grandy. Please don't apologise for having to stop writing halfway through a post....you are struggling with so much Grandy....i mean it when I say to only reply if and when you feel up to it. ..not before. I feel embarrassed and ashamed for pointing out that previous post...(that's me though). I honestly did think it had got missed due to the Internet gremlins. I wouldn't have written that post if I knew you didn't care...it's because I know you do that I felt i could i could open up to you. .even though I felt guilty doing so!

I hope the spring sun is shining on you today and always Grandy.

Sending you big warm hugs and soothing thoughts my dear friend. You be kind to yourself too Grandy. You deserve it and are truly truly more than worthy of it.

Lee xxxxxxxxxxxxxoòoòòooòoooi

[therising]

Hi Lee and Grandy

You are such beautiful people, such beautiful friends to each other. Whilst the BB forums are a wonderful way for us to get to know each other, there remains a kind of longing at times to meet up over coffee or what-not, in person. Boy, how that would be a soulful experience. Instead, I give you both a soulful 'Cheers' as sit here with a cuppa in my hand. I shall go even further by setting the scene where (in my mind) I give you a welcoming smile and hug before pulling out chairs and offering you both a choice between biscuits or chocolate cake with your tea or coffee.

Agree with you 100% about the community thing Lee. Community implies a common unity, a togetherness of like-minded people all helping each other. I actually replied to you in Aman's thread, something which I hope you give consideration to, in regard to a little micro-community of sorts.

In regard to self-esteem, I read a wonderful book called 'The six pillars of self-esteem' which gives great insight. The 6 pillars: The practice of living consciously, the practice of self-awareness, the practice of self-responsibility, the practice of self-assertiveness, the practice of living purposefully and the practice of personal integrity. Of course, depression can make these concepts difficult to practice but the book also gives insight into how we lose self-esteem and the damage that can do to our psyche.

Cheers once again. Take care of yourselves!

[Lee lee 73]

Hello Therising and Grandy,

You both have a beautiful way with words, I wish I was able to return the favour. Thank you therising for your post, your smile, warm welcome and hug. I'm crying as I write this because I am so grateful but also, how I sooo wish it could take place for real. After reading your post in Aman's thread, I tried to look for your personal thread but I didn't have any luck (do you have one?). I wanted to seek your opinion but didn't want to ask on Aman's thread. So thanks again. You mentioned you've had depression for 15yrs....do you mind me asking.... do you see a psychologist and if so, how long for? As you may have read, I am struggling with the decision to continue with my psychologist. I just want to know if there is anyone else out there who has been and is still receiving therapy after 10yrs? Until I joined BB last month, she is my only support network. I did start seeing a psychiatrist in April this year but have recently stooped this as well. Please only answer if you feel comfortable to do so. I will look into the book on self esteem that you suggested. It does sound interesting.

Thank you for the cuppa, chocolate cake and most of all, both your company. "Cheers" to us. Therising, I do want to apologise for being short in reply when you first posted on my thread. I was in a different headspace (...well, actually, I am everyday...but I have no doubt we all are). It was you Grandy who helped turn that around.

Wishing you both peaceful thoughts and returned hugs

Please feel free to drop in anytime therising. I would like that very much.Hope to talk soon.

Lee xxxxooo

[Ggrand]

Hello Lee , therising,

I could imagine a little town with all these caring and wonderful people from the B.B. forums living in it...It would be the best place on earth to live in....What a beautiful place that would be.....

Hello therising...... I have read quite a few of your posts and you are so helpful with your lovely words and great insight into mental health, I also read about how you ending up with calling yourself therising and I thought how Lovely the meaning behind your name is....Thank you also for your warm smile, cuppa tea, oh definitely the chocolate 🎂..and most importantly of all thankyou for joining us and your beautiful warm company....and kindness..💜.

Hello Lee...It’s very heart warming to hear that your self esteem is starting to grow, your doing so well, I’m really proud of you..That’s nice to know you have 2 friends that you can have a coffee with...I hope that your friendship grows stronger as the time passes...Doesn’t matter male or female friendship is beautiful if you can just sit have a cuppa and be comfortable in each other’s company...I can relate to feeling deflated when you get home... I feel the same on a Tuesday after work...deflated, sad, lonely..We keep going, day by day...but Lee we will get better, we have to be able to, I keep reminding me it’s our thoughts that is doing this to us, we have to change them...but it’s so darn hard isn’t it..We know but just can’t do it....

I’m so very pleased that I helped turn you around, Lee...I felt your pain and hurt when I read your first post, in fact I was 😭 my eyes out trying to read it..I felt so much sadness for you and just wrote to you what I was feeling in my heart for you...💜🌹..

I hope that everyone has a day that nice memories are made from with some light shining into you...

Love and hugs..💜🤗🌹🦄...and Peace 🕊..

Grandy...

[therising]

Hi Lee and Grandy

You a such beautiful soulful folk, I feel privileged to have made that soulful energetic connection with you both!

Lee, the true message we convey is not to be found in how our grammar is structured, it is to be found at a far deeper level than this. You are a true wordsmith in the way you communicate, have no doubt. Personally, I love playing with words; seeing that they can be so damaging, I like to explore and recreate them in my own way to varying degrees. And Grandy, thank you, in acknowledging that 'the rising' is about the rising process out of the depths of depression and yes it is a process. I chose the profile pic as a reminder that we all hold the light that has the potential to take us out of the depths of darkness, it becomes a matter of understanding and letting go of the things that keep us anchored there.

Lee, I never really put much thought in regard to a personal thread. Thanks for planting that seed in my mind, I shall strongly consider it as well as what I should call it. In regard to a therapist, during my time in depression I discovered that both medication and the right therapist are a bit like setting out on a quest to find the Holy Grail (do they actually exist in the first place). I believe they do but it's a bit of a journey to find the best ones for each individual. During my years in depression from the age of about 20 to 35 (I'm 48 now), I trialed about 5 different meds after the first lot ceased working, after I had my first child (a hormone thing I suppose). I also found a great counsellor who could only take me so far before referring me for more in depth help. The one psychiatrist I did come across did not help me at all. It was the group therapy which made the difference for me.

Talking of playing with words, I will give you 2 of the most powerful words I have found in my life:

Evolution - Evolution is where love is to be found (switch the 1st four letters around). Personal evolution is about self-love. Your search for ways out of depression defines your longing for evolution. In other words, you love yourself more than you may realise.

Disappointment - We are often appointed some pretty intense and unrealistic roles to play in life, therefor dis-appointment can be a positive process, when we no longer accept these roles in our quest for a more authentic self. Unfortunately we've come to define disappointment as an emotion rather than a process.

Take care of yourselves and enjoy the chocolate cake!

[Ggrand]

Hello Lovely Lee,

RUOK?

lovely lee I’m not sure how you are feeling today, but I wanted to come and visit you, and just sit quietly with you, friends can do that, just sit and enjoy the presence of each other’s company...I will just sit next to you and you can rest your head on my shoulder..close your eyes and just relax, while the beautiful lavender scented candle fills the room with its delicate and relaxing scent.....

I hope you sleep deeply tonight Lee, you are loved and cared for here, by name and I’m certain by others..

Im wishing that tomorrow will be a better day then today...

much live and hugs..💜💜🤗🤗..

Grandy...

[blondguy]

Hi Lee Lee 73

I noticed your post on another thread. Its great that you are with us on the forums. I am sorry for the pain you are going through. Just out of respect for you...I was diagnosed with depression circa 1997 and it can be a dark place to be in for sure. Its my 23rd year on SSRI's

As you know there is no judgement on the forums.....just the best support we can provide through our own experience 🙂

Thankyou so much for being a part of the Beyond Blue forum family Lee 🙂

Any questions are more than welcome.....Your strength is amazing....Nice1

My kind thoughts for you

Paul

[Lee lee 73]

Hello Grandy my good friend,

I am ok. Thank you for sitting with me.

So sorry this is short 😞

I do hope you're day is better tomorrow as well.

Thinking of you often . Big warm hugs to you lovely lady.

Lee xxoo